February 14, 2013

A few Valentine's Day Tips from Lamberto Bava.

"This one goes out to all of you DEMON LOVERS out there!"

Did you just read that with Issac Hayes's voice in your head? Sweet. I've always been a bit of a "hopeless romantic" when it comes to fucking hot sluts to death with my ivory tusk. Oh shit, wait... talking like that isn't romantic at all! What do I do on Valentine's Day again? Oh right. I wine and dine 'em, or something. Or was that, I wine and then dine on them? Muahahaha. No matter. Either way there's a lot of whining going on. Believe me. But I'm not here to talk about my night-vision window-piercing x-ray goggles and the quirky girl next door who constantly masturbates in front of her confused cat, no. I'm here to talk about love. Aww. Love, and Demons.

Demons is one bad mother - shut yo mouth - Bitch, I'm only talkin' bout Demons! Lamberto Bava's film Demons has taught me a lot about that crazy little thing called. Horny people get scratched up, have little itty-bitty Valentine's Day monster children birth out of their backs, and it's all a real crazy scene. Some chalk it up as mindless entertainment, but when you look closer, Demons is really a movie about couples, relationships and matters of the heart. Think I'm nuts yet? Here are some of the few romantic ideals and notions that director Lamberto Bava has taught me with his greatest triumph of film making: 

Hold your honey close to you.

Stay close to and hold your honeyz because you never know when one of them will break out with disgusting sores, oozing goo and attack you with claws-a-blazing. Take a look at George's face in the pic below. That's fear. Not from the scary movie on the screen, no way... that's "what the fuck did I just get myself into" fear! Cheryl isn't grasping onto his arm in fear either. That's the face of man-destroying determination. 

But it's all good while it lasts, at least in the beginning.

And you know something crazy exciting about the beginning of a stupid relationship with some ziti sweety you've just met?

Play your cards right and maybe you'll even get a blowjob!

Who doesn't want that? These two fine women above are all over it. Slot A or Tab B? That's the great thing about the variety of Demonic Whores out there brotha! They'll do it any way you like.

Hell, you can even fuck 'em with the TV on while a documentary of some Demon Outbreak plays out lifetime-style.

Don't want a girlfriend?

Then take your Favorite Prostitute out for a night on the town!

C'mon, everybody's got a favorite. You can bring extra "friends" if you like, just to take the edge off... but in the end you know who you're attached to. Why worry about the other fuckers? Life is shit and you know it. Now go have some fun. Be young, dumb and... if the night goes right ...not full of cum. Unless you're a grrl. I guess. Meh.

Cheating on someone this Valentines Day?

They don't call it VD for nothin'.
Try not to get tongue twisted... or strangled to death in the process.

And if you can't get a date this Valentines Day, as least you can still:
HANG OUT by yourself.

All the girls will be talking about how well hung you are the next day. (I tell lame jokes a lot, but even this one is pushing it).

Yeah, all the girls and that one guy in the tan suit and tie in the background there.

No matter how bad it gets...
Remember, things could be a lot worse:

Yeah. Fuck Valentines Day!

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My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.