March 31, 2013

Danny Trejo is A MOTHERFUCKER in Bad Ass (2012)

When the popularity of Epic Beard Man reached soaring heights and made an internet celebrity (i.e. youtube sensation) out of Tom Bruso, it was only a matter of time before his already not so bright and shiny image would be unnecessarily mishandled for the sake of an incredibly shitty action movie. Internet "memes" are of course the next logical steps in storytelling these days (where else are new ideas going to come from?), and what better one to expand upon than the AC Transit Bus Fight I am a Motherfucker video! But trust me, this is no Safety Not Guaranteed... oh no... what could have been a heartfelt movie with a lot of emotion was only halfway thought up and the rest of it was filled with made-for-tv slop.

I love me some Danny Trejo. In fact, I think he's an awesome choice as the lead here. I know that Slick Tom there is an old white dude, and the guy he beat down was some trash talkin' black guy, but Trejo just works perfectly in this role. I don't even really mind that in the movie he beats down two skinheads who are threatening elderly folk on the bus. Facts are always changed in movies and little changes like that just have to be dealt with. I was actually pretty excited about seeing this when I rented it a while back, but after it was all done with I just felt really let down.

It started off nicely enough, with a shot of Dat Ass! Danny Trejo looked great dressed just like the dude. There was a girl wearing big headphones who looked kinda sorta like Amber Lamps, but like a frumpy totally not as hot version of her... then the skinheads showed up, and it was weird, but the bus scene played out and it ended up being a cool representation of the original event. As the film slowly progressed and Epic Beard Man became popular around town (and all over the net) it started to be a rather endearing film. It was gritty, depressing, and bleak. Just the way I like it.

Then Charles Dutton and Ron Perlman show up (two guys I have no problem with, in fact, I do enjoy their work), but man, the material that these two are given here with this lousy as all fuck script just turns this potentially uplifting movie about a guy forever down on his luck to a goddamn shlock-fest. Total z-grade action thriller type stuff ensues and it's all really lame. This second TRAILER actually does a decent job of making the film look somewhat better than it actually is, but even watching the first one or the film itself left me cringing. This could have been a hell of a lot better it the filmmakers didn't turn it into such a dumb emotionless turd by the end.

Safety Not Guaranteed is proof that a movie can be made out of something with as little background story as a newspaper clipping about a guy wanting a companion to go back in time, and if you've got writers and directors with heart, there can be an awesome film there. Bad Ass just leaves a bad taste in my mouth when it's all said and done. The story was changed so much that I bet Tom Bruso never saw a penny of whatever money was made from this. If I'm wrong about that let me know, because really I would like to know the facts on that. It would have been cool if he had a cameo at least, or it was dedicated to him, or he saw some profits. But I don't even know if he's aware the movie even exists.

I would recommend renting this or however you view movies these days just for a single view. But for me, the real story and multiple videos online about this guy are a hell of a lot more interesting than this flick. It's too bad, because like I said, there was a lot of potential with this project. It was just handled incompetently and by the looks of things, for all the wrong reason$$$.

March 30, 2013

Sixpoint 3BEANS

Sixpoint 3BEANS (2013)
Limited Release (Brewed Once)
12 fl. oz. (x2) / $7.63 USD / 10% ABV

About: "Celtic lore spoke of a land where the beer fell in showers and the music of the gods could be heard. Brewed from beans and barley, this ale was so dark, rich, and satisfying that no gathering ever went unthankful. Prepared in cauldrons and consumed from horns, this was truly the drink of the gods. Centuries later, a towering, all-sating dark ale has been resurrected at Sixpoint. With a silken mouth feel despite a hefty 10% ABV, 3Beans is the result of myth, tradition and innovation. The collaboration of three New York City companies sincerely committed to their craft brings to you the biggest beer Sixpoint has ever canned.

1. The first bean sprouts from tradition. Romano beans are included in the mash, their proteins giving extra body to an already rich ale. Northern brewers of yore, short on malting barley due to finite harvest times, have used the hearty beans to supplement their ales for centuries. 2. Cacao beans from Mast Brothers Chocolate, the first bean-to-bar chocolate makers in New York City, are the second of the triumvirate. Mast Brothers makes only super dark chocolate, with no milk or butter, that displays their beans’ uninhibited flavors. Using a specially-made, small-scale cacao bean winnower, they separate the fatty nib from the outer husk. While these husks are not used in their bars, they are packed with dark chocolate flavors. In the 3Beans mash, loads of the shells are included along with the beans and barley malt, accentuating them with savory chocolate flavors. 3. The final bean comes from Stumptown Coffee, a company equally committed to showcasing their product’s natural character. Post-fermentation, the beer is blended with Stumptown cold-brewed coffee, a specifically calibrated concoction perfectly intense for the process. The infusion heightens the brew with rich, roasted coffee flavors and presents another layer of complexity.

Finally, 3Beans is aged on toasted American oak, which provides woody vanilla notes and further enriches the body. Ancient brewing techniques in concert with innovative methods and the finest products have produced a brew that triangulates the spirit of the Sixpoint Motto… Beer is Culture. For more info about 3Beans, click HERE."

Thoughts: If you're going to drink any kind of porter then you better damn well make sure it's a Baltic Porter. That's what I always say. 3BEANS poured a brown sludge like color that formed into such a dense black that there's no way in hell you'll be seeing through this one. The head on the beer exploded upon the pour and featured a light tan color resembling a fluffed dessert topping.

Smells cold. You know the smell of cold right? There's a perfect balance of coffee and chocolate here. I'm also getting cherries, and tons of em. Smells of sweet cream and candy... high quality stuff too. A little bit of booze, a little bit of smoke, and some vanilla. I know I always say this but if soft serve swirl ice cream was mixed with a few of those crunched up cherry liquor chocolate candies and then poured into your morning coffee, it would be this beer.

The taste on this one is pretty intense. Not overwhelming by any means, but it hits strong and you feel it in the gut. What I like about this beer straight off is that it doesn't hit you with straight up coffee or chocolate, but rather some thick malts and a lot of dense hops which is surprising. It tastes like really dark beer, but not generic at all (like some seasonal fillers from Sam Adams for instance)... a well made brew that's up front spicy, flavorful and smokey, with a little bit of char on the end and a fruity tang. It's borderline burnt, but man does it really work out well here. Once that burnt sensation kicks in, so does the heavy haze of booze and it just covers its ass properly. When it falls back you get the true nature of the brew and it's all blended together quite well, and yet you can pick apart different things you like about it. There's a long lingering taste in the mouth that you can only attempt to fade out, but it's not going anywhere. There's a heat throughout the whole beer too. Drink it ice cold and you'll still feel a burn inside the mouth. It's spicy and instantly warms, even before you swallow, which is pretty weird.

Mouth feel is a little on the light side, yet really creamy. It swirls nicely and goes down with a flick of the ol' wrist. There's a film coating the inside of my mouth and the taste is just embedded into my inner skull. I taste this everywhere. Aftertaste gets a bit rich and salty. Starting to notice some green beans and broccoli, grass and pussy juice. No complaints here. This is some good stuff. I would have liked it slightly more if it came in tall thin 16 oz. cans instead for the same price though.

Pretty happy about not only getting a badge for this one, but also the honor of trying a brand new beer that tastes great and didn't let me down. Three things right there that I always enjoy, thanks to these three beans.

Cambridge Brewing Heather Ale and Weekapaug Gruit

Cambridge Brewing Heather Ale - Brewed with Heather Flowers (2012)
First Batch Brew.
22 fl. oz. / $6.99 USD / 5% ABV

About: "From out of the darkness of pre-recorded history, Heather Ale is an altogether unique brew. Originally crafted by the inhabitants of coastal Northern Europe, Scandinavia, and the Northern British Isles, fresh heather flowers and other herbs were used to balance and flavor the rustic yet sweet toasted character of the malted barley. Its brewing tradition existed long before the advent of hopped beers, and has continued, sporadically, in small rural communities for millennia.

Brewed with imported Scottish floor-malted barley, fresh hand-harvested heather flowers were added to the kettle during the boil along with sweet gale and lavender, with a further addition of fresh heather and yarrow to the conditioning tanks. Each year the CBC brew-staff handpicks the fresh herbs for this beer from a field along the Atlantic Coast, and adds them into the brew-kettle the very next day. The aroma and flavor are a surprising jog of ancient memory, with commingling subtle notes of heather and honey and an obscure wildflower spiciness complemented by the interplay of mild but assertive, toasty-sweet malt.

Note: Pregnant or breastfeeding women may wish to avoid consuming this beer due to the mild medicinal nature of the herbs used in crafting this beer."

Thoughts: Heather Ale poured a slightly hazy auburn yellow with a huge fluffy white head full of small incredibly small bubbles. The carbonation in this thing is going nuts!

This beer smells really cool. Probably no surprise that it smells of a floral brew. It reminds me a little bit of Samuel Adams White Christmas for some reason. It's got a winter spiced ale type of thing going underneath those huge floral notes. When breathing in real hard, it's like putting your nose right inside a blossoming flower. Really cool stuff.

Before I even get to the taste, I gotta comment on this mouth feel. This beer has an insane feeling to it, it's great. It's incredibly thin and airy, and it just explodes into bubbles and dissolves... now that probably doesn't sound too appealing, but it is so weird and unique and just feels so funny that I love it. It's reminiscent of a soapy type of texture, but doesn't really taste soapy which is a fear that some brewers have with lavender additions.

Of course it's got all of that floral tone from the scent right in there with the taste. A light malt backup gives off a gentle semi-sweetness, and among that there's a soft peppery flavor that goes along with it. It's very crisp. Toasted malts aren't all too sweet, and do have a little bit of raw touch to them, but that helps this beer right along without taking it to any extreme area. It's got a decent bitterness, a decent sweetness, tons of flavor all around and it genuinely interesting.

Overall the taste is pretty unique, and it's got a great aftertaste too. A fun little beer.

Cambridge Brewing Weekapaug Gruit (2012)
Limited Release - First Batch (April 2012)
22 fl. oz. / $6.59 USD / 5.5% ABV

About: "A modern take on a mideaval, unhopped herbal beer! Produced for centuries, long before the use of hops, Gruit (pronounced “grew-it” or “groot”) was what beer was throughout the Middle Ages. Our contemporary interpretation of gruit is brewed with malted barley, wheat, and oats, and fermented with our Belgian yeast. It also incorporates the traditional brewing herbs sweet gale, yarrow, and wild  rosemary, along with Labrador tea, licorice root and nettles, all organic and wildcrafted."

Thoughts: Weekapaug poured a deep and hazy dark-auburn orange and featured a big, light-auburn almost tan head that began to rapidly deplete as I started snapping photos. It's loud too. Definately the loudest head I've ever heard before. Kinda sounds like rice crispies, that's how loud these bubbles are popping! Nuts.

Speaking of nuts. It's very nutty. Not really peanuts though, slightly off. Yeasty nuts more like it. And yes, I did stop and giggle to myself after I wrote that. The scent immediately reminds me of a certain Dogfish Head brew... Pangaea.

Taste is that of the smell. It's very mellow. There's a hint of light butter in there, or are the herbs just playing tricks with my mind. It's not remarkably sweet, but there's a lingering sweetness throughout the whole beer. When you first get some in your mouth it's just slightly tingly and almost hints at being spicy, but not really. There's an almost sour-like tinge that can attack if you let it hit the right spot, but mostly it's only a weak puckering effect. It's a bit fruity up front, like a semi-sour citrus, but the herbs mix in quick and take the flavor to a strange otherworldly dimension... then after it's swallowed there's that lingering Belgian yeast / peanut note. It's not bad.

Mouthfeel is that of a semi-flat soda. It's very smooth and crisp through. Starts to dry the throat after a while.

This beer goes through a few fun little stages but it doesn't seem terribly complex. It's like a strong tea rather, with a bready malt backdrop. This beer is ranking for me as a very decent end enjoyable experience. I'm not going to go out and re-buying it anytime soon, but I would like to try other beers of this seemingly rare style. After all, the very few beers I have tried that taste like (two or three of them) have all been unique and also pretty good, though all very similar tasting. Something about these types of beers intrigue me in a strange way. I don't yearn for them, but I'm still rather fascinated and want more.

March 27, 2013

Genesis Rodriguez sheds tears in Casa de mi Padre (2012)

Yeah, so I watched Casa de mi Padre a while back and you know what, it was pretty good for funky little spanish language Mexican genre-tribute flick starring Will Ferrell. That was the big draw apparently, that he speaks some interestingly entertaining white-guy version of español (which is something you don't ever see evur from any actors out there) and on top of that as an added bonus, the movie just happens to be fucking bizarre as all hell! It's the kind of flick that you'll have to see to believe. And while viewing it, you're not going to believe it could be so outrageous, yet take itself so "seriously". I guess that's part of its charm.

The laughs aren't easy, the situations are all seriously awkward and the drama is way over the top. And you know the fun part about it all? It's all meant to be that way. This is a weird fucking movie. But it's totally charming and filled with a lot of great moments and drug-induced character interactions that'll keep things interesting. A lot of people I've talked to say they can't stand that Will Ferrell son of a bitch, but I really don't give a shit either way. I like about half of his stuff I guess. His movies definitely go along better with hot chicks involved though. He may have gotten the second best scene in Old School when he shot that fuckin' dark into his own neck, but the real honor goes to Elisha Cuthbert laying belly down in her panties. Dark lord be unmerciful. 

And in that movie he was married to Leah Remini! If you only knew the amounts of splooge I jizzed from my fat little pre-teenage chode back in the day, watching her get pimped slapped by Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell, then you'd know how much of a goddess she truly is. Even now in the day along side Kevin James, all prego and stuffed to the gills, I'd still be all over that. No fucking doubt about it man. What the hell was I talking about again? Oh right. Genesis Rodriguez, or something. Yeah, so Will Ferrell marries this hot as all fuck bitch in his new movie too. Is this guy a mad hot slut magnet or what?! Maybe he can stop time like Zack did and then take his time to properly molest these women's minds. 

Genesis doesn't do all that much here (for a main character) but look totally hot and pretty, stand around and sob, and look totally pretty and hot while she does it. Well, she does take off that wedding gown and attempt to kill herself (hot!) and I think at one point she fucks a white tiger in the desert (mega-hot!), but I could have been drunk when I was watching this so who knows. All I know is that I was very pleased to have her here, and at the same time very disappointed that I didn't get to see her sweet, sweet boobs. But I guess that sort of thing makes me want her even more. *creep stare* 

Has anyone ever seen the movie called "Mafia" starring Jay Mohr (an actor who I think is totally awesome by the way)? This was way back in the day before all those "Movie" Movies got popular. He played a young and coming up gangster, in a world that totally sucked ass... at least for the viewer. There was a Chucky reference, they did a Forrest Gump thing, nothing was funny and the whole movie sucked balls! Dude, it was horrid! I haven't seen it in about twelve years or so but I'll tell you that the movie left me with some deep emotional scarring. I wonder how that movie holds up now compared to all the other bullshit non-movie, pop-culture tribute-flicks in the new series being released. Casa de mi Padre sort of reminded me of it for some weird reason. Only this movie kicked its balls into outer space!

March 25, 2013

Jack Torrance's REDRUM shirt!

There was a time when I visited teefury every morning before work. I've only actually purchased three t-shirts from them, but I still enjoyed seeing what would be the limited release for the day since I'm a lover of artistic endeavors and well... ya know, cool shirts n' stuff. It's a damn shame that 90% of the time they're popping off Doctor Who shit and nothing else (aside from Firefly and Star Trek/Wars or whatever else bullshit mainstream nerdling sci-fi). It gets pretty annoying after a while. And not just for me. Many have complained. But sometimes... and by sometimes I mean, every few years... you'll get lucky when you check it. For instance the True Blood shirt I bought there! I got lucky on 5-26-12 on a usual groggy 4AM trip to the computer:

Art by Jimiyo. [I also purchased this guy's Skeleton Sonic the Hedgehog shirt too but the fuckers printed it crooked so I only wear it to work were it'll get thrashed to shit.] This shirt however, quickly ascended the ranks of my very favorite shirts to wear when I'm not busting my ass working eighteen hours a day. The shirt looks great, I've gotten tons of compliments, a lot of strange looks, and there's always that weird moment when I run into someone wearing a regular Jack Dagniels shirt and we trade off winks and snappy-finger-point alcoholic-bonding moments. Only my shirt is totally way more badass than theirs. They know it, and I know it. Here's hoping that Tee Fury drops the bullshit and lays down some more black horror shirts sometime soon.

March 24, 2013

Dakota Fanning feels the PAIN in Twilight: Part 5 (2012)

Jane, Jane, Jane... you little bitch. You totally and utterly, completely and agonizingly hot, little bitch. Oh, how I've always wanted to feel the PAIN. I welcome the PAIN. I thrive for the PAIN! Unholy fucking hell, here I am begging for that sweet, sweet PAIN. Lay it on me baby. Lay on me and then lay it on me... just give me that look and you'll witness the PAIN of enormous amounts of semen exiting the opening of my dick, which will amount to so much liquid pleasure that it'll rip the tip of my cock open and blood will spill about... blood you will hopefully drink as I lay there dying with a smile on my face.

Baby? You don't seem amused. I suppose that would probably freak you out. A smile, I mean. Obviously with your flawless and not to mention totally hot beauty, you've never smiled a day in your damned life... most likely since smiling causes wrinkles, or so they say. But you're a goddess of a vamp so that shouldn't matter, oh, and did I mention that I'd slit my wrists just to have you want my blood in your mouth. I'm totally that desperate! Jane, I never wanted you to die. I wanted you to win the Twilight Games. I was jerking for you the whole time my darkling.

But I guess thing don't always go your way... no matter how much PAIN you afflict on your desired targets.

Out of all the multiple times I've seen every Twilight film in the cinema (picking up chicks hasn't been so easy since  so many mom's eyeballs got glued to Jacob's undressing wolf-weiner), never has there been more of an insane reaction from every single person in the place than when Jane laid a shit her Gothic dress, finally showed some fear in her face, ran away, and then got her bitch ass handed to her. 

The place blew the roof off when she showed that look of fear and ran away. My first thought was 'who would have thought that Jane was so hated by the entire female community?' and the second thought was *racist comments*. With all the shouts of "Die bitch!" from the twelve year old white girls and their moms I didn't know what to think. But I guess the hatred for Jane runs deep, no matter where the reader and/or watcher is from. People fucking hate this chick.

I'd just lay it all down as Jealousy. I guess if you hated her in the books, later seeing her as portrayed by the immaculate Dakota Fanning would cause extreme rage among all the cute, virgin and/or goblin girls of this day and age. Then again, who the fuck would want to be Bella when you could be Jane? Personally, I could take my pick of both at the same time... but that's a whole different sexual matter altogether. ;) 


March 17, 2013

Snargle the demon child's Gnarly Demise in Demons 2 (1986)

How do you top a scene where a really hot, frizzy-haired, stuck up chick gives birth to a demon out of her back of all places? Well, have a fucking six year old kid birth an even shittier looking demon out of his chest!! That'll show 'em. Demons really set the standard for some gruesomely outlandish shit back in the day. In fact, it was so completely awesome of a film, that the only possible option for a sequel was to simply mimic it. The bar was obviously set too high, and while I've heard ideas from the filmmakers themselves that would have made the next film darker and a lot more grim, what eventually happened turned out to be just a silly rehash with some admirable distorted features. The following may or may not be one of them, depending on how you appreciate your schlock. Here's a scene from Demons 2 where a pregnant lady fights off a six year old kid who's been infected by the demonic virus from hell, and well... one of them is going to give birth! Hope you got a bucket full of buttered popcorn, bitches.

Snargle used to be a quiet young boy named Tommy who liked to watch scary shows on television and play with all his toys (a melted Castle Greyskull, Fisto, his favorite ray gun and his protective sidekick, a knock-off Snarf doll). He may not have been the smartest kid when it came to answering the phone, but you can't blame him for having shitty parents who didn't give a fuck. Tommy did however display one useful skill for a boy his age when he came across a thrashed room and some free roaming demons: he hid. Even though he was completely scared shitless, Tommy managed to clench those little butt-cheeks of his and keep his quivering trap shut as he stood silent as a statue inside a crawlspace behind a wall shaft. He felt the fear that night alright, but didn't let it overcome him. Tommy kept his cool, even when an ass ugly demon veered its head inside of the shaft and looked around, foam-a-droolin'.

But there was no Luck of the Irish for little Tommy on this fateful night, oh no. Just moments after he had successfully eluded that nasty demon wench, some of Sally's blood came dripping through the ceiling area and onto his neck. The look on his face was that of confusion as tears streamed down his cheeks, and the sinking in the viewer's hearts was that of him now being totally fucked! Nobody in this movie is safe I tell ya... nobody. It was only a matter of time before little Tommy transformed into some kind of childlike abomination of a demon. A little freakazoid who's favorite Nintendo game is now track and field on the blood of his victims! What a slippery slope these child actors go down indeed. I have a feeling little Tommy was alienated enough throughout his short life... that all he really wanted when he turned rabid, was a friend to play with. And the only other kid in the building, well, that other kid is in that pretty lady next door's belly.

After being unnerved by strange noises, Hannah walks towards her front door. Checking through the peephole, she sees nothing, but hears the voice of a young boy instead. She's suspicious of course... I mean, who wouldn't be? Peepholes are creepy as fuck, dude! But this kid is just so convincing with his frightened pleas for help. "Come on lady... my Sega broke and now I'm all alone." Hannah buys into his tearful blabbering, and like an incredibly sexy woman with a compassionate side would, she slowly opens up her entry way for the young lad. And that's when it happens:


He ain't no Leprechaun and her belly ain't no pot... of gold, that is. ;) Hannah screams in terror as this little fucker furiously dry humps the door for a few minutes. He's gargling n' shit and she's freaking out while he scratches everything he can get his claws on, while getting seemingly closer and closer to her arm. He edges his way through eventually and she just backs up and tries desperately to come up with a new plan. What in the hell should she defend herself with... a kitchen knife perhaps? Surely there's something else in this apartment aside from plants and textbooks!

There's about a twenty second stand-off with a table between the two, and just when it's about to get interesting, the kid grabs his stomach and starts convulsing. He starts screaming, falls on the ground and wiggles about like he's having a seizure. All of a sudden, something starts popping its way out of his chest, Alien Style! Man... this is going to be good! I can't wait to see what the hell this thing is. And then it happens: this thing, looking like Grover and Kermit the Frog simultaneously ass fucked Miss Piggy to death and her still decomposing corpse produced a horribly disfigured and slimy baby - something out of an early Peter Jackson film - emerges and totally fucks up the integrity of the scene.

Snargle's baby comes out and the film turns from cheese to camp. Where in some areas it seemed as if the director and producer wanted to go darker, scenes like this proved that they either didn't really give a shit about the tone of the film... or that they were just high as fuck. There are probably a lot of factors in play here, the most prevalent being they wanted to get the film out as soon as possible after the immediate popularity gained from the first. A lot of great ideas had come up and were incorporated into the story, and a lot of them turned out really good.... but a lot of the good ideas they had, ended up turning to shit. Lovable shit, of course.

So little Snargle Nug rips his way out of his host parent/child and smiles like a little freaky freak. He chases Hannah all around the apartment like a maniac, but eventually slips up and she gets the better of him. Snargle 2.0 gets trapped in the fold-up wall bed, and as he attempts to claw his way out, Hannah runs over to her table of product (which just happens to be surrounded by mood lightening candles) looking for something to defeat this demonic puppet with. I wonder what she'll grab right off of that easily accessible table? Perhaps something that every pregnant woman should keep next to her vitamin C chewables, hairspray and moisturizer?

Oh, I don't know... how about some POISON!!!!

Every pregnant woman should keep a large bottle of poison with a skull and crossbones on it right in the middle of the living room. I happen to keep a bottle in my house on my waist-level shelf at all times, just in case. I also like to keep one in the fridge next to all my beers... you know, because I too like to live dangerously. I'd expect a poison bottle with a skull and crossbones and that many XXX's to be just sitting around in some lab run by a mad scientist or something, but not in the apartment of two preppy's with an affinity for 80's neon glowing signs and the artwork of Patrick Nagel.

Okay, so maybe all that stuff is for her two thousands plants that she's got in the apartment. That's probably her hobby or something. But poison? Really? I'm no expert or anything on growing plants (as far as the police know) but do indoor plants get weeds? Wouldn't killing the weeds with poison hurt the plants themselves? No matter. In fact, watching TruTV has taught me a thing or two about women: They've always got poison stashed somewhere. If it's not out in the open in the middle of the living room, it's probably in their boyfriend's, husband's and/or baby's body. Women are sick like that!

Hannah pours the acid onto Snargle's spindly fingers and he squeals in pain. He retreats shortly after and all becomes quiet. Just as Hannah lets out a sigh of relief, the bed come tumbling down and Snargle hops onto the back of her neck! She freaks the fuck out and squirms all other the place. There's no telling if he's scratching her or what the fuck is going on, as their apartment's psychedelic lights and neon signs are blinking and flashing and going dim and everything is in strobe effect. But when it all stops, it turns out that I was right all along! This little fucker just wanted a friend to play with. Awwwwwww... look at him.

"Snargle 2.0 in da house biznatch!"

Just when you think Hannah is all done for, George bursts into the room (Finally!) and shoves the only weapon he can find in a second's notice, an umbrella, straight up Snargle's little bitch ass. The sharp tip of the instrument comes out through his mouth, and plugs him up against the wall. Pus comes flowing from his stupid little eyeballs and grue drips all over the place as he writhes in pain, stuck like a retarded Shadowcat in a Portal. It's disgusting.

Thus, was the end of Snargle, and his wacky escapades. 

RIP you squealing little fucker.

My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.