Silent Night (2012)

SILENT NIGHT (2012)

Silent Night didn't really do it for me. I liked a few things about the movie, and I'll talk about those few things before I go off and tear this fucker a new vagina. Here's what I liked:

1) It's a decent enough old-school throwback. While it may fail in quite a few areas when it comes to being an old-school throwback, it does somewhat look and feel like a back-in-the-day horror. While these type of films may not be considered "exciting" these days, the over-saturation of today's "stylistic" viewings does lose its charm after a while, and it's always a bit of a fond remembrance-type thing to go back. This film's attempt at this was at the least semi-admirable. 

2) Jamie King (Sin City) and Donal Logue (Grounded For Life) are two people I will watch in whatever they're in. Donal really steals the whole fucking show here, dude's a total boss, and it's obvious since he's the only one who really gets to put up a fight against the killer. *spoilers* He's not the killer. Jamie does what she does best as well, though it's hard to see it for the most part since everything is so dark and she's made out to be plain and "unattractive". While I respect Malcolm McDowell's array of work, he's basically just doing a re-make Dr. Loomis here and it's distracting. But more on him "phoning it in" later.

3) The Blood. While most of the bloody was "par for the course", we the viewers were treated to a few bits of gruesome goodness. And it was nice to see some variation in the ways this Killer Santa killed his naughty foes. At least the kills never really got too boring. Way to mix it up, guy! 4) The Boobs. It was nice to see a topless girl running around for a while trying to get away, but let's face it... the My Bloody Valentine remake did it a fuck of a lot better than this. 5) The Intro. I really loved how he made his own outfit and after getting into it all, pulled out the fist-pump at the end like a corny motherfuckin'-badass. It was so lame that it was awesome. 

And here's the Shit that bugged me and took me out of the film: 1) The Color Tinting through the whole film just sucked and it looked like total crap. It was drab as hell. Was this intentional, or were these natural hues of the Midwest? Doesn't matter because it looks boring. 2) Also, damn near Most of the Lighting completely sucked (need I say all of it?). What makes it even worse is that a lot of shots were filmed in dark rooms with bright windows directly in the background (!) and it was horribly distracting. Basically, the movie looks as if it was shot by a third grader. Why in the fuck would you film this semi-attractive woman with her top off, in front of a blinding window shade where every bit of light obscures the shot? It seems as if every decent shot in this film that could have been is corrupted by shitty lighting and shot decisions.

3) It's not enough that the movie looks so bad, but The Script is Horrible! It tries way too hard to be "cool", edgy and obscene. The profanity doesn't help the film at all. You got a movie here that's trying for an old look and feel, yet at the same time a little girl is slapping her mother's medicine out of her hands and yelling "fuck church" because she wants to go to the mall. Now I didn't mind that scene and was actually pleased that the little girl was immediately killed off after that *spoilers*, but it's just another scene in a series of random scenes that have little to no connective tissue. Overall I feel that the story was haphazardly written.

4) All of Sgt. Laughter's lines. Did they purposely make every single fucking thing he said cliche just for the hell of it? I suppose that really goes hand in hand with that throwback thing. A lot of lines in old horror films were really lame but they got a funny kind of inside joke cult following among friends. I don't think you can recreate that type, especially when Malcom McDowell didn't even seem to give a fuck the whole time. Not that he was given any good material to work with. He mostly just walks around and spouts out catch-phrases.

5) This Movie is on the edge of Boring! The colors and dim lighting make it even worse, but underneath the visual aspect, the movie just isn't terribly interesting. It's easy to drift out of the movie watching experience with this one. When I watch movies I  It doesn't hold you to the screen. Luckily all of the kills and the boob shot were timed in a way that once boredom began to set in you'd be taken out of it for a second. And while I did appreciate the boobs of the beautiful Cortney Palm, I was really hoping to see Jamie take it off... or at least Courtney-Jane White die topless on that deer rack.

Riveting stuff. GET NAKED!!

6) The Ending. So at the very end *spoilers* it reveals that the Santa who built a homemade flamethrower and killed his cheating bitch of a wife with it, only to be shot down by a police officer, is actually the father of this movie's killer. Turns out that his son was sitting in the back of the truck watching the whole thing go down. So he witnessed his father kill his mother and an officer kill his father afterwards, and wouldn't you know as it turns out, the cop in question was the father of our story's primary chick. How fucking convenient. That's a relatively competent explanation. But wait?! There's more...

In the movie they talked about a whole series of murders taking place every Christmas from town to town throughout the years, late after the flamethrower massacre had occurred  Now, this whole back story doesn't really match this dude's actions at all. He seems to punish people who he deems to be "bad", which is a strange topic in itself, since how did he know that pre-teen girl talked a bunch of shit to her mum and was a total little bitch? This scene occurred and then he walked up to the house. Was he standing outside the window the whole time or something? He surely couldn't have known that girl. Then he goes about giving other children "gifts" (the gift of not-death for the most part), which shows that he has some sort of fucked up system of principles.

But then why did he go about killing for so long from town to town? Especially to do that for so long, only to finally murder his father's killer, a police officer who according to his daughter was a "Good Man!", and then nothing really stands out or comes from the act. Wouldn't you think that particular murder to be a bit important and closer to the finale? It happens off-screen and they hardly even make a scene of it apart from the daughter crying and mustering the courage to go get him. So we get a whole bunch of graphic scenes of people we don't care about being murdered, but the one murder that would make sense of everything and tie the whole film together is pretty much just a forgotten afterthought. Is the killer simply insane? 

So what in the fuck is going on here and why is this shit so sloppy? I don't mind nonsensical stuff. Helicopters falling through movie theater roofs for no god damn reason whatsoever, or your stalking killer ending up being the obsessed lesbian friend you thought you knew. But this was just lazy. And are we to just assume that after getting away from the blaze at the end that the killer just drives off, only to murder in another town the next year? It feels as if this movie has a lot of little ideas that went into it, but all of them were only half thought out and nobody cared to finish them. It's pretty amazing that I actually finished this movie, but I did so due to my own fucked up system of principles.

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)

The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special is the biggest pile of horse shit that I've ever seen in my miserable life... or at least when it comes to the MoTU series, and probably even the shittiest out of every animated Christmas special ever made. Not only does this forty-five minute cartoon have no redeeming qualities at all, but it's in fact fully capable of pissing off even the most tolerable of He-Man fans. After all, there's only so much fond remembrance that the toy-line can bring. Let's face the facts here, He-Man is a pretty "silly" show and it hasn't exactly aged well. To call it "silly" might even be an understatement, as some of it is just downright fucking stupid. It's bad enough that Prince Adam wore a lot of pink and strutted around in tights all the time with those frilly bangs, but did he have to be such a fucking idiot all the time too?!

Even though most shows like He-Man, Transformers, G.I.Joe and Thundercats have had stupid moments and horrendous episodes, He-Man is by far the worst offender when it comes to unbridled stupidity and cheesiness. Thundercats has really maintained a maturity and intellect, though Lion-O is just a naive kid in The Rock's body so there's a lot of cause for dumb moments, but that's part of the story line. Transformers may get pretty lame at times, but it's mostly robots fighting and cool looking cars and planes speeding, so you can forgive that easily. G.I.Joe was over the top, but man was it a smart show with a lot of crazy shit going on. But He-Man, that shit was just lazy as all fuck. They used the same shots over and over in every single episode, and most of the dialogue sounds like it was written by a monkey jerking off.

Like I said, most of the other cartoons has so many redeeming qualities that the little things could be easily forgiven... but I'll tell you what can't be forgiven easily: This mind-numbingly horrid spoon-fed shit-stew of crap! So the story goes like this: Orko hijacks a space cruiser just for fun and because he's a dumbass (I guess he does this kind of shit all the time since he's comic relief) and because of something the ship crash lands on Earth. He finds some children roaming through the snowy forest area nearby and decides to befriend them. He should have just let them eat those poisonous berries they were picking. Meanwhile, Man-At-Arms sends Princess Adora off to some weird ass mermaid planet where these pointless, not-really-transforming, pretty dumb looking, hot-girl-enslaving robots called the Monstroids do a lot of nothing and then get their metal asses handed to them. 

We're then treated to the boy and his little sister(?) telling Orko the story of Chris... oh wait, no, they just cut back to them after all that so-called action and the kid says "...and that's the story of Christmas!" Wow. Talk about cheap. Which brings me to how little actual "Christmas" stuff is in this special. They played it safe alright. So safe in fact that I'm surprised they even mentioned half of the shit that they did. Anyways, the Princess has some lesbian sex with one of these hot as all fuck mermaid wenches and then steals her glowing crystal of power that has the power to do something or other concerning the ship that Orko crashed somewhere. It all ends up with them beaming him, the ship and the kids (you know, for some added excitement) back to the planet of Eternia. Orko goes all orko and convinces all the responsible gods of the kingdom to keep the kids for a while so they can tell everyone about this thing called Christmas. One of She-Ra's man-buddies and a chick named Perfuma sing a song with the two kids that is so delightfully horrid, it'll make you want to go out an buy a Foo Fighters album just to get the pain out of your brain.

I blacked out right around this point, and really, it's a bit of a blur... but I'll try to make sense of it, even though, believe me, there's not much sense to make. Skeletor was of course at the time doing something evil and sinister, plotting to wreck something or take over the kingdom, and just fucking around per usual. Something happened on another planet(?) with these things called the Manchines, which are like these little super-fucking-gay cute species of weaklings that need to be obliterated as soon as now. I remember drifting in and out of consciousness and that it sucked. Oh man did it suck balls! So Skeletor ends up kidnapping the kids from their kidnappers somehow and takes them on some LoTR-esque type journey through the snow covered mountains of madness to his rape-cave. Why he didn't use his astro-glider or his rescue peeps I don't know why, can't remember, but Skeletor shouldn't be walking to his own fortress. Where the hell are his cock-sucking minions anyways?

Look at this shit! Would you just Look at it!?

Suddenly, a Wild Snow Beast appears. "I don't know what's happening to me, but I must save the children!" Wait, what the fuck? Did Skeletor just say that? Yes, he did, and on top of that, he busts some chill ass moves and that Snow Beast drops like a 12 year old girl at a Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 premiere. The kids keep calling him nice after that and he pretends not to like it. "Listen, I'm not nice and kind and I'm not wonderful!" Sure buddy. The kids start talking to Skeletor, pleading and saying shit like "Please Mister, we're cold." Skeletor is having none of it, but wait... what's this...? Something is happening to the blue-skinned, buff-ass grinch with the face of skull. He magically produces and gives the kids winter coats, and then on top of that, carries the little crying Manchine puppy so it doesn't get cold. What in the fuck! What's he going to do next, start baking cookies and help them decorate a stupid tree!?

Fuck you Rick Berman! Out of nowhere The Evil Hordak shows up in a huge, dick shape helicopter to save the day. And it's about fuckin' time too. I can't take this shit no mo.

The Evil Hordak of course is a complete badass here and just one bad motherfucker who couldn't give one single shit-lump of coal about whatever this Christmas is or these little bastard kids. As always (since the dawn of the 80's cartoon age) when a new villain is introduced into a cartoon and then there are two main villains, we all know that one of them must go out looking like a bitch. If "Never Back Down" and "Michael Bay" ever taught me anything, it's that. Remember The Mighty Megatron bowing down to that punk son of a fuck The Fallen? Calling him "master" and all that bullshit? Yeah, it made me want to lay ass bricks. That's pretty much the deal with Skeletor here. He's reduced to looking like a total dickwad. It's not bad enough that 80's cartoon villain leaders had to always yell "retreat!" and "you got me this time" and shit like that, but now this fuckin' guy is sucking alien puppy dick and camping out with little kids. It's sickening.

There's hardly any Christmas stuff in this show, it's all about peace and caring and happiness. That's not what Christmas is all about! ...It's about presents! Dur. He-Man does dress up like Santa though, and it looks stupid as shit too. Skeletor even says things like "Thank goodness this Christmas only comes once a year, because I don't like feeling this way." It's horrendous. I don't know if these kids are boys or girls, or if one is a boy and one is a girl or they're both just non-gendered or what the fuck is going on. It's really ambiguous. The episode is filled with nothing but totally lame puns. Every action that occurs is stated out loud while it happens and the reasoning behind why it's happening as well. It's very mind-numbing. I feel even stupider than I usually do after watching this kid shlock. Final Thoughts: This was some bitch ass shit I'll tell you what! Skeletor ain't no caring, nurturing, puppy-dog cuddling, warm and fuzzy lover of some genderless punk kids.

A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas (2011)

A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas (2011)

[Rated R: for strong crude and sexual content, graphic nudity, pervasive language, drug use and some violence.]

Six Years after Harold and Kumar escaped from Guantanamo Bay, the two have drastically grown apart. Harold (John Cho) is more than happily married with Maria (the incredibly hot Paula Garcé) while Kumar (Kal Penn) has been left by Vanessa (Danneel Ackles) and does nothing but sit around his dirty apartment smoking weed and watching television (in today's case: A Christmas Story). When a mysterious package addressed to Harold arrives at Kumar's place, the two are reunited and Maria's father's prized Christmas tree gets inexplicably burnt down. So ensues another wacky adventure of miss-mashed events while the two go searching for a replacement tree.

I loved Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Let me just get that out of the way. There were so many great scenes: the two of them whispering in Freakshow's truck, the Burger Shack employee talking about the secret sauce, the way they laugh during that PSA spoof, I got to see Malin Ackerman topless, Ali Larter and Rachel Nichols got it on in a nasty wet lesbian scene (wait, no... my mistake, that's just what I wanted this year for Christmas!), the animated burger land sequence that ends in Kumar licking Harold's face, the chubby extreme-velociraptor punk, the rabid raccoon, ect. The dialogue was all good and none of it seemed awkward aside from the "fuck it" kissing scene at the end. And it wasn't trying too hard (maybe the BattleShits scene). Then the sequel came and for half of it I just couldn't give a shit. I wasn't really into that whole "Hunting the terrorists" plot and I don't really care too much for Rob Corrdry. Those scenes were more of an annoyance to me, as was smoking with George W. I did like the John Reep scene about "whooping your little cyclops ass!", and the KKK stuff, the bottomless party, the more gentler scenes about Kumar's past smoking weed with Vanessa.

But the problem arises with the film trying too hard to be obscenely gross or super funny, when it shouldn't, and isn't. The same thing goes for the third film, Harold and Kumar Christmas. They went way overboard with the Neil Patrick Harris stuff, first of all. He's like in one-third of the total film, it's ridiculous. I didn't need to see him do an entire song and dance routine in 3-D. He was good in the first film, and even OK in the second, but this was too fuckin' much. Harold and Kumar both have new best friends in this one (played by Thomas Lennon and Amir Blumenfeld) and thankfully their scenes aren't nearly as annoying as the side scenes from part two involving the Government. I liked the running gag with the baby girl that keeps getting fucked up on various drugs.

There's a really awesome Claymation scene where the two are seriously tripping out on spiked egg nog and have to escape a giant, sinister snow man that's destroying the city. We even get our first shot of genitals here (Kumar's humongous 3-D clay dick in your face!). It keeps coming back to reality and showing how insane they're acting even though to them they're in a clay world and some crazy shit is going down. Then there's a little nod to A Christmas Story later on when Harold gets his dick stuck to a pole and Kumar decides that only his warm saliva can get it unstuck. "No! I don't want you spitting on my penis!" Aside from the more penisy scenes, we do get to (not) see NPH jerking off on a model's back while he gives her a massage, and a really nice ass shot from Maria (one which rivals the ass shot in Immortals). Nice!

Paula Garcé as Maria, who is perhaps the sexiest woman alive, gets a few more scenes this time around which I enjoyed. She's drop fuckin' dead gorgeous. And in this one she shows off her sex-craved side. The acting seems a little forced to be ultra naughty but I didn't mind. Danny Trejo play's Maria's Christmas tree sweater wearing father who seemingly wishes to disembowel Harold. The guy is dead serious about the trees that he grows (just check out that sweater!). Patton Oswalt plays the Mall Santa who of course, sells weed on the side. Danneel Ackles as Vanessa, was hardly in this movie at all (that sucks). Elias Koteas is here (Christopher Meloni couldn't make it) playing a Mob boss who wants the boys dead in a rather lame subplot involving his virgin daughter who can't seem to get fucked. His scenes are well done, but every scene with his kids are super annoying. Richard Riehle plays the real Santa, who again of course loves smoking pot out of his candy cane bong(!). I probably don't have to tell you how awesome this guy is in whatever movie he's in. He stole all the scenes he was in, playing probably the best Santa representation I've ever seen.

My favorite part of the whole film was the Nunspoitation scene. It's so good to see hot, nude, lesbian nuns soaped up and showering together in a mainstream film these days. I really appreciate the filmmakers for giving the nun-lovin' viewers something special. That, and any time I got to see Maria's face (or other parts) really left me with that warm Christmas feeling inside. I can see why they had to estrange Harold and Kumar, being it a major plot point of Santa's secret package that reunites them and saves their friendship. It was weird though, seeing them so distant and uncomfortable with each other. Guess it had to be done for the sake of the story and to introduce new characters. Side characters should stay side characters though, that's how I feel about it in these films. So, I guess I'd say that Harold and Kumar Christmas was a mixed sack. It's got a lot of small doses of truly funny moments, but a lot of the puns and dialogue with the lamer characters (mob kids, black guys selling trees, and new best friends to a lesser extent) are just kind of boring and tiresome. Something that plauged the last film, but hopefully not the next.

Note: Being that this film has 3-D firmly in the title and the films itself makes extremely obvious nods that it's in 3-D, make sure you see this in a theater with decent glasses and equipment. In fact, if you're seeing 3-D films in multiple theaters around your town it's good to find out which one does it best, don't keep switching it up if you have a bad experience in one. Always go to the place that plays it best if you're going to pay extra.

Treevenge (2008)

Treevenge (Short) (2008)

When I first saw the trailer for Treevenge last December, I damn near shit my pants when [BLACKENED SPOILER] the tree grabbed that little girl. [/SPOILER] It was loud as hell, very unexpected and after the initial shock, totally sweet! I must have laughed for five minutes. By this time, you've most likely seen the short film either online of if you were lucky and adventurous, during a festival run or a one day showing at some burnout driven theater. I've decided to pay my respect to the misunderstood and relentlessly violent forest creatures in this very post.

The beautiful main theme from Cannibal Holocaust plays as the crane shot glides over a landscape of snow covered trees. Seemingly out of nowhere, burly men arrive carrying axes, chainsaws and weedwhackers. As they scream with excitement before the maniacal devastation, a small baby tree shudders in fear. After many of the trees are hacked down, one of the men stomps the little tree to death. As the rest of the trees are gathered up to be sold, they (the trees) witness the horrors of man as many of them are unnecessarily harmful and mean spirited towards pine. The tree abuse doesn't end there as then they are needlessly screwed into christmas stands and then humiliated with decorations. While there are those who simply abhor trees, even the ones who claim to love them may not be safe. As we soon come to find out, there's only so much these trees are willing to take before they lay the saps down.

This sixteen-minute dark comedy from the director of the yet to be released film "Hobo With A Shotgun" is a more than welcome addition to the holiday horror-fare, and will go well along side other low budget Gore-Fests such as Le Bagman, and even longer films like Plaga Zombie: Mutant Zone and Darkness: The Vampire Version. Obvious tributes to the style of past horror masters are prevalent, but a definite sick sense of humor looms over the proceedings. Here be more [LOW LIGHT SPOILERS] Did you think that baby tree getting stomped for no reason would go unpunished? Hell the fuck no. During the tree's rampage of vengeance, a mother is grabbed by branches and her baby goes flying to the cement. As she screams in horror "My baby! My Baby!" Another of the trees hops four feet into the air and with its severed stem, lands a crushing blow, splattering the baby's head into strawberry puree.

One tree's branches go in a woman's mouth and come out of her eyeballs, then they go through her frustrated lover's eyeballs and out of his mouth, and then the pull their two faces together. It's like some sick ass Fulci's Lady and the Tramp version of the spaghetti scene or something.  Some dude (who's obviously got some serious emotional problems) drills a hole into one of the trees stems, slathers it with petroleum jelly and well... you'll get the idea at least when he slides his fingers inside. Oh, and does the tree fuckin' rape the guy afterwards during the chaos? You bet your prickly pine needle it does! [/SPOILERS] I dig Treevenge. I'm a sucker for short films with deep rooted gore influences and insane happenings. When films don't make any sense at all, are absurd and just fucked up for no reason, I tend to find more enjoyment in them. There are times when this is not true (H2) but I'll not discuss that for even the thought of headache inducing beats and flashing lights may lay me out. Things here got pretty corny, but it probably helps that the main man in this is the splitting image of Joel McHale. So that all works out. Also, there's this really hot blond Twihard in another family with a decapitated cat and a broken tele who I'd like to just take under my branch. If she were a tree I'd cut her down and then climb her, if you know what I'm saying. What in the fuck!?

While not the greatest thing I've ever seen, Treevenge sure did quench my appetite for the quote-unquote holiday season. Which really, I had none to begin with. It's definitely got its moments and it's fun as hell, so there's no faulting the thing despite the supposed lacking spots (some of the dialogue, if at all). Though those moments did add to the surreal feel of the whole thing, so you can't really blame em. I did like that "I should have stayed in school!" line that came right out of nowhere. These guys sure as shit hate trees, but why? From working with them, or the smell of them, or the sight of them? I guess they just f'n hate nature.

Watch in on TWITCH or on teh YouTube.