Photos of the Synapse DEMONS and DEMONS 2 Blu-rays.

I'm so excited that I could puke! I opened the mailbox with a desperate anticipation once again to day, but this time, there is no disappointment setting in, oh no... because I finally received the Blu-ray Combos of two of my very favorite films of all time, Demons and Demons 2, released by one of my favorite DVD companies, Synapse Films. I have yet to view either of the four discs yet, but the packaging looks incredible. On top of all the hard work that the guys over at Synapse did, they also included these totally awesome insert cards for both films. The first is the infamous Metropol movie ticket, in shimmering gold no less(!), and the second is a bloody invitation to Sally's fucking birthday party! You gotta love that. Each case also came with a  2013 Synapse catalog booklet. Both steelbooks were sealed and individually encased nicely in bubble-wrap. 

Front and Back of both Steelbooks:

 Demons full cover, inner case and insert card:

  

Demons 2 full cover, inner case and insert card:

Tech specs:

I'm so glad they included the US English dub that I grew up with. I never really liked the International English version all that much. It'll be great to finally throw out that old VHS dupe from back in the day and to be able to watch this in far better condition with the voice-overs I know and lust. If you need me, I'll be cracking open a bottle of Ommegang's Game of Thrones Take the Black Stout and enjoying a night of Demons! Later haters.

Demons (1985) and Demons 2 (1986)

Lamberto Bava's DEMONS (1985)

Immediately from the subway intro you're immersed into a strange world of Freaks. That one crazy ass chick with the checkered fades and all the other pervs riding this thing seem to really creep this little beauty out. Look at her sitting there, all innocent and frightened, and feel the need to corrupt and filthify rise. The man in the iron mask Leonardo Decapitator comes out stalking like a mofo and it's on... to the cinema that is. Sun setting and ominously placed is this theater. Surreal are the insides of this haunted gateway to hellish desires as the patrons enter and converse with one another. We are slowly introduced to them all, our drug filled minds left with enough mystery about each of them to configure within ourselves who they are, and more importantly, how they behave behind closed doors. Their perversions, mostly hinted, their audacity, seemingly writhing under the skin. The pimp and his two ladies of the alleyway spark up a bit of the gnarly ganja bud and we're off. We've got a blind dude that can feel evil but can't sense his daughter/wife/niece/??? making out with some creepy balding gentleman. An old grump and his dumpy wife quarrel like some old married couple, and you can clearly see he wants to strangle all those horny teenagers there to death. Perhaps he misses those younger days of getting laid by an exciting new girl, instead of having to bed his constantly nagging wife.

That's funny, the bleeding won't stop and our hero emerges in the form of a demonic hooker who spreads the disease through her fingernails. She never should have put that strange silver mask on her face. Everything is taken to the next level when a knife comes ripping through a tent in the movie within a movie. Fiore Argento turns her head from the screen, for she is scared. This is the point of no return. It's in your system now. You sweat heavily as you remove the seemingly tightening sweater around your shoulders. The blue tint seeps in and there's nothing you can do about it. White Wedding hits the system and you're gathering some spilled coke off a young punker's breast with a razor blade. You know you want to cut her just a little bit... and you know if you do you'll be rewarded later on since she likes it that way. Then before you can even say "we've gotta stop the movie" a young lady gives birth out of her f'n back! (Sadly her child was crushed to death when a helicopter fell on it. A tragedy if I ever saw one.) How can these monstrous green-drool-spewing cum-dumpsters be stopped?! Hop on your motorbike motherfucker and grab that Saumuri sword son because you're now fully immersed in the Lamberto Bava's mind rottingly addictive DEMONS!

It's nothing, it's just a scratch! Don't be so sure of that. That is the advice I would give to any unsuspecting viewer of this classic lesson in unpredictable, sudden and most gruesomely gruesome terror. Demons isn't just a film that you watch and say "oh hey, that was cool", oh no... Demons is a film that you watch, and it fucking gets inside of you man. That scratch it left there on your brain? It's gonna infect, it's gonna rot, it's gonna thrive, and it will ultimately instruct. Just like the bloodthirsty demons in this movie, you too will be left drooling green shit out of the side of your mouth when you're done watching this. Make no mistake, there's nothing physically wrong with you at this point. That's just what happens to people after they watch the most awesome movie ever made in the existence of life death! Your eyes go blank, your mind goes numb, your teeth get popped out by newer, sharper and deadlier teeth. Crooked fangs capable of ripping large chunks of human flesh out of the thigh of any soon to be limping pimp without a cane. And since I just brought it up, if you're going to be a pimp I say fucking act like it dude. That limp is Tony the Pimp's lesson in this film. You can't be treating your hoes all nice, takin' em out to movies n' shit, then helping out your fellow man.

You was caught slippin' Tony! And now look at you... King of the Demons. Huh. I suppose things really worked out for the guy in the end. Well then, I guess it's true what they say: If you can't beat 'em, Eat 'em! Haha... get it? Beat 'em!? Like he totally didn't do to his ladies since he's a pimp with a heart of gold. Awwwww. And now he's Eatin' up motherfuckers like something a pimp would normally eat back in his designated hood. Something from a hamburger stand I would presume? Chili cheese fries from Wienerschnitzel most likely. That's right, I'm throwing down all the lame jokes and racist puns today. But enough joking around. Demons is an absolute onslaught of gore drenched madness that cannot be underestimated and will not be unappreciated. It's a straight up party film, totally IN YOUR FACE, and hell... every party I've ever been to has been a horror party: Soul-Meatball Pizza, Old Crow, a shitload of that California Chronic and some Dario Argento on Lamberto Bava thespian action. If that doesn't get you hot then you're not old skool like me. And if you can't spell skool right, then you probably spent your youth masturbating to Demons upstairs in your attic bedroom instead of going to class, just like I did.

Lamberto Bava's DEMONS 2 (1986)

From that magnificent mind fuck of a bloody cake introduction, to a frumpy girl's frumpy ass dress lookin' frumpy on her birthday, to a little kid answering the phone and saying "No, Daddy's not home.. neither's Mommy. I'm alone!", to Sally's messy menstrual cycle dripping through the floors of the apartment building and infecting everyone there, to "Bottles! Fill em with gasoline to make bombs!", to the pointless shmucktoberfest scenes, to climbing an elevator shaft and then later down a building in the most badass of fashion, there's no denying that Demons 2 is one wacky experience. "What did Jacob do to Sally?" you ask. Wha..? What the hell do you think he did to her!? I mean take a look at the guy, if he's not a date-rapist then I'm not also not a date-rapist. Am I right? Also, I mean, wait, scratch that last part... scratch it just like a psycho demon bitch grabbing a former coke addict punk turned security officer by the face and ripping the flesh fresh from his skull. Oh, and don't think that little dude who answered the phone is going to be safe just because he's a kid either. Not a fuckin' chance, because if Demons 2 has a general theme it's that everyone in this movie is fucked! That little bastard ends up hiding in a crawlspace behind a wall while being chased down by some ugly as all shit transgendered(?) demon.

It's a really tense scene, and just when you think he's eluded certain doom, Sally's blood drips through the ceiling panels and lands right on his fucking face! Demonic transformation is now imminent. That poor son of a bitch. All he ever wanted was a friend, but his lousy ass parents just left him alone all the time with his toys and a television as supervision. Not a problem now however as the pregnant lady next door has a brand new friend for him, ready and waiting to be freshly ripped from her womb that is! Sally's blood floods the building's power generator, every door locks down, the power shuts off and we got a frickin' demon dog on the loose in here. Just when things get good we're treated to some more footage of Jacob driving around the city, listening to some music which I can only describe as some "hardcore thug shit". Why are these pivotal scenes of Jacob driving his goons around so important to the storyline you ask? That's a very good question. All hell breaks loose in this futuristic-like building and George must navigate shafts, sluts and demonic sluts drooling over his shaft to make his way back to his apartment in order to rescue Hannah, his preggers and totally hot wife. Will he make it in time before a squealing butt-monkey of a puppet demon nibbles her to death? Make a wish and try to blow out that last candle girlie, because in Demons 2 it's happy deathday to you!

When looking at Demons and Demons 2 back to back it's hard not to recognize the similarities the two films have with each other and the strange connection they share with The Evil Dead (1981) and Evil Dead 2 (1987). Demons 2 and Evil Dead 2 are both a remake and sequel at the same time. They share pretty much the exact same stories as the originals, only they've been tweaked, expanded upon (or lessened) and in the case of Evil Dead 2 some say greatly improved upon. Unlike how many people find Evil Dead 2 to be a superior film to its predecessor, this is not the case when it comes to Demons and its second installment. Demons 2 is for some reason looked down upon when compared to the first film. The glaringly obvious reason to see is that the original Demons is a pure masterpiece of untouchable mind altering madness. When you first see Demons, believe me when I tell you that you've never seen the shit go down like just did. The adrenaline rush that it gives off with the brilliant and seamlessly combined visuals, gore effects and hard rock soundtrack just cannot ever be matched. Does that mean that Demons 2 by default just automatically sucks balls? Hell no. If you go in expecting the exact same thing then you may as well just re-watch Demons. And I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood to see a fussy Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni act like a spoiled brat and get her just desserts when she horrifically transforms into a slimy demon.

Demons 2, while similar, is an entirely different entity than the first movie. It may not be the aggressive colorful monster that Demons is, but it's got its own twisted, alternate reality-like aura to it. Some people may be turned off by the rehashing of the movie within a movie (now a television program inside a movie) which seemed a lot better the first time around, as the cinema setting adds a spectacle aspect to it all. The sequel's version is a lot less ominous, and the characters are a lot stupider, but that makes for most of the fun. With Demons, chaos is a large order of the day, whereas in Demons 2 it's all a bit more methodical seeming. While Demons 2 builds to a boil, the original film hits you in random spurts and violent outbursts before delving into full blown insanity. Both films have their own unique charm (Is that the right word? Charm?), but believe me when I say that Demons 2 should not be overlooked. If you're one of those people out there who has dismissed this more than worthy sequel as garbage then I implore you to revisit the movie with an opened mind, and possibly some intoxicating chemicals in your system to take the edge off. Demons is a movie that always stays awesome no matter what and never lets the viewer down, and Demons 2 is a movie that gets better every single time you watch it. That's actually one of the secrets to Demons 2 that not many people know since they most likely don't give it a second viewing. So go on and throw that Demons 2 disc into your DVD player and experience a movie that you once thought sucked kick your brain's fuckin' ass!

Snargle the demon child's Gnarly Demise in Demons 2 (1986)

How do you top a scene where a really hot, frizzy-haired, stuck up chick gives birth to a demon out of her back of all places? Well, have a fucking six year old kid birth an even shittier looking demon out of his chest!! That'll show 'em. Demons really set the standard for some gruesomely outlandish shit back in the day. In fact, it was so completely awesome of a film, that the only possible option for a sequel was to simply mimic it. The bar was obviously set too high, and while I've heard ideas from the filmmakers themselves that would have made the next film darker and a lot more grim, what eventually happened turned out to be just a silly rehash with some admirable distorted features. The following may or may not be one of them, depending on how you appreciate your schlock. Here's a scene from Demons 2 where a pregnant lady fights off a six year old kid who's been infected by the demonic virus from hell, and well... one of them is going to give birth! Hope you got a bucket full of buttered popcorn, bitches.

Snargle used to be a quiet young boy named Tommy who liked to watch scary shows on television and play with all his toys (a melted Castle Greyskull, Fisto, his favorite ray gun and his protective sidekick, a knock-off Snarf doll). He may not have been the smartest kid when it came to answering the phone, but you can't blame him for having shitty parents who didn't give a fuck. Tommy did however display one useful skill for a boy his age when he came across a thrashed room and some free roaming demons: he hid. Even though he was completely scared shitless, Tommy managed to clench those little butt-cheeks of his and keep his quivering trap shut as he stood silent as a statue inside a crawlspace behind a wall shaft. He felt the fear that night alright, but didn't let it overcome him. Tommy kept his cool, even when an ass ugly demon veered its head inside of the shaft and looked around, foam-a-droolin'.

But there was no Luck of the Irish for little Tommy on this fateful night, oh no. Just moments after he had successfully eluded that nasty demon wench, some of Sally's blood came dripping through the ceiling area and onto his neck. The look on his face was that of confusion as tears streamed down his cheeks, and the sinking in the viewer's hearts was that of him now being totally fucked! Nobody in this movie is safe I tell ya... nobody. It was only a matter of time before little Tommy transformed into some kind of childlike abomination of a demon. A little freakazoid who's favorite Nintendo game is now track and field on the blood of his victims! What a slippery slope these child actors go down indeed. I have a feeling little Tommy was alienated enough throughout his short life... that all he really wanted when he turned rabid, was a friend to play with. And the only other kid in the building, well, that other kid is in that pretty lady next door's belly.

After being unnerved by strange noises, Hannah walks towards her front door. Checking through the peephole, she sees nothing, but hears the voice of a young boy instead. She's suspicious of course... I mean, who wouldn't be? Peepholes are creepy as fuck, dude! But this kid is just so convincing with his frightened pleas for help. "Come on lady... my Sega broke and now I'm all alone." Hannah buys into his tearful blabbering, and like an incredibly sexy woman with a compassionate side would, she slowly opens up her entry way for the young lad. And that's when it happens:

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S SNARGLE!"

He ain't no Leprechaun and her belly ain't no pot... of gold, that is. ;) Hannah screams in terror as this little fucker furiously dry humps the door for a few minutes. He's gargling n' shit and she's freaking out while he scratches everything he can get his claws on, while getting seemingly closer and closer to her arm. He edges his way through eventually and she just backs up and tries desperately to come up with a new plan. What in the hell should she defend herself with... a kitchen knife perhaps? Surely there's something else in this apartment aside from plants and textbooks!

There's about a twenty second stand-off with a table between the two, and just when it's about to get interesting, the kid grabs his stomach and starts convulsing. He starts screaming, falls on the ground and wiggles about like he's having a seizure. All of a sudden, something starts popping its way out of his chest, Alien Style! Man... this is going to be good! I can't wait to see what the hell this thing is. And then it happens: this thing, looking like Grover and Kermit the Frog simultaneously ass fucked Miss Piggy to death and her still decomposing corpse produced a horribly disfigured and slimy baby - something out of an early Peter Jackson film - emerges and totally fucks up the integrity of the scene.

Snargle's baby comes out and the film turns from cheese to camp. Where in some areas it seemed as if the director and producer wanted to go darker, scenes like this proved that they either didn't really give a shit about the tone of the film... or that they were just high as fuck. There are probably a lot of factors in play here, the most prevalent being they wanted to get the film out as soon as possible after the immediate popularity gained from the first. A lot of great ideas had come up and were incorporated into the story, and a lot of them turned out really good.... but a lot of the good ideas they had, ended up turning to shit. Lovable shit, of course.

So little Snargle Nug rips his way out of his host parent/child and smiles like a little freaky freak. He chases Hannah all around the apartment like a maniac, but eventually slips up and she gets the better of him. Snargle 2.0 gets trapped in the fold-up wall bed, and as he attempts to claw his way out, Hannah runs over to her table of product (which just happens to be surrounded by mood lightening candles) looking for something to defeat this demonic puppet with. I wonder what she'll grab right off of that easily accessible table? Perhaps something that every pregnant woman should keep next to her vitamin C chewables, hairspray and moisturizer?

Oh, I don't know... how about some POISON!!!!

Every pregnant woman should keep a large bottle of poison with a skull and crossbones on it right in the middle of the living room. I happen to keep a bottle in my house on my waist-level shelf at all times, just in case. I also like to keep one in the fridge next to all my beers... you know, because I too like to live dangerously. I'd expect a poison bottle with a skull and crossbones and that many XXX's to be just sitting around in some lab run by a mad scientist or something, but not in the apartment of two preppy's with an affinity for 80's neon glowing signs and the artwork of Patrick Nagel.

Okay, so maybe all that stuff is for her two thousands plants that she's got in the apartment. That's probably her hobby or something. But poison? Really? I'm no expert or anything on growing plants (as far as the police know) but do indoor plants get weeds? Wouldn't killing the weeds with poison hurt the plants themselves? No matter. In fact, watching TruTV has taught me a thing or two about women: They've always got poison stashed somewhere. If it's not out in the open in the middle of the living room, it's probably in their boyfriend's, husband's and/or baby's body. Women are sick like that!

Hannah pours the acid onto Snargle's spindly fingers and he squeals in pain. He retreats shortly after and all becomes quiet. Just as Hannah lets out a sigh of relief, the bed come tumbling down and Snargle hops onto the back of her neck! She freaks the fuck out and squirms all other the place. There's no telling if he's scratching her or what the fuck is going on, as their apartment's psychedelic lights and neon signs are blinking and flashing and going dim and everything is in strobe effect. But when it all stops, it turns out that I was right all along! This little fucker just wanted a friend to play with. Awwwwwww... look at him.

"Snargle 2.0 in da house biznatch!"

Just when you think Hannah is all done for, George bursts into the room (Finally!) and shoves the only weapon he can find in a second's notice, an umbrella, straight up Snargle's little bitch ass. The sharp tip of the instrument comes out through his mouth, and plugs him up against the wall. Pus comes flowing from his stupid little eyeballs and grue drips all over the place as he writhes in pain, stuck like a retarded Shadowcat in a Portal. It's disgusting.

Thus, was the end of Snargle, and his wacky escapades. 

RIP you squealing little fucker.

A "What if...!?" scenario for Demons 2 (1986)

Aaah, Demons 2. What could have been. Although I love Demons 2 like a virgin nerd loves looking for lizards in an old cemetery (Nerdgins love lizards), the movie has always left me with a lot of "what ifs". One in particular has to do with that thick jawed - not to mention thick headed - spermicidal party pooper Jacob Dateraper, who just got invited to Sally's spechul birthday by mistake. We all know what happens with this guy, or should I say, we all know what doesn't happen with him. I'm going to examine the #2 Reason from my Things that suck about Demons 2 post from a while back, and go over a few easy things that could have been done to rectify... his presence in this movie.

"Jacob went BALLS DEEP on me... and now I'm gonna shove those BALLS DEEP down his throat!"

Throughout this splendid film we as the viewers are subjected to scenes of this dumb son of a fuck driving around trying to get him some of that sweet, sweet poon-tang. Now, I've seen entire films dedicated to guys driving around trying to get laid and nothing else (The Stoned Age, anyone?), which have entertained me and are even some of my favorites to this very day. I fucking love The Stoned Age, always have and always will. But what the hell were Lamberto and Dario smoking when they came up with the punk-out bullshit ending to Jacob's "character arc"? He drives his loser/junkie goth friends, and potential up-and-cumming date rape victim aptly-named "Nuggette", around town for an hour at high speeds trying to get to Sally's party. What manner of chaos is this greasy motherfucker planning? His "boy" in the backseat lets his status be known by saying that if they're too late, they'll "all go hungry and there won't be any cake" or any food left as Sally's. Right, so they've got the munchies. But Jacob isn't just heading to her apartment for "cake". That's right, you heard me... the cake is a goddamn lie! Why, oh why, is he taking this horrified blonde chick over to Sally's? That is the real question...

...and I'll tell you why. Because there's nothing date rapists like to do more than introduce their newer acquisitions to their previous conquests. This guy is sick I tells ya! In his mind he's all 'badass' in the role of driver and leader of the freak-show he's got there. He knows that once they arrive at the party he's gonna whip out his cock and everyone there is going to line up mouths agape as he tosses it down across the dinner table, giving all in attendance the chance to lip grasp his stick shift. Then when he busts his nut it's going to be a fat, globby-splooge mess of frosting all over Sally's poor unfortunate cake! Of course his boy will grab a slice because he's a fucking moron, and take a bite while trying to act superior and laughing at all the party guests. All the while Jacob will be clenching his jaw with determination as he brutally sodomizes this ride-along blonde in front of his so-called "ex", causing her to feel, more and more with each thrust of the grimy greasy sausage, like a worthless piece of garbage. That's precisely the strand of what could be considered a 'thought process' running through Jacob's mind as he peels through a red light and crashes into another car. In fact, I'm sure of it just by the conceited self-righteous look on his chiseled face.

What is the point of all those inter-cut scenes with Jacob driving to the party, along with all the inter-cut scenes of the parents out about town, only to have them collide while on the way to the apartment building (and then nothing)? First of all, the parents I could care less about... but that whole thing with Jacob they were at least building up to something. There was the guy asking "What did Jacob do to Sally!?" and then waiting outside make sure Jacob doesn't come in when he gets there. Just look at the guy who's supposed to stop Jacob from entering the building too. He's a total doofus! It would have been worth it just to see the guy try and stop these dudes and get his ass handed to him in the process. There are so many possibilities for this part of the storyline to be so much better! What the fuck happened? Did the guy playing Jacob quit the film to be a male model for race-car magazines? Did secondary run out of money to finish the extra scenes (or did their cameras fizz out and break)? Were the writers going for some nihilistic edge as some sort of fucked up point? Then why not have Hannah give birth to a demonic baby at the end of the film like they had originally plann... Jesus Fucking Christ!!!1

Jacob, look out! There's a DEMON in the back seat!

Unholy shite where did, how the, when umm... hey, wait a minute! That's not a demon. Fuck you Rick Berman. That scared the fucking shit right out of me. Somebody kill it with fire! No wonder Jacob has to go around date raping hot sluts... I bet his alternative was bedding down this chick's sister. Looking like Tim Curry from Rocky Horror Picture Show got ass fucked by Tim Curry from Legend and had a ghastly ass baby is what it looks like. Dark lord. If I didn't go blind from constantly masturbating years ago that would've done it boy let me tell you. Two chokers and she's still breathing, what... the... fuck? Somebody break out the remote controlled shock collar on her Deadite ass for fuck's sake! This stuff is getting out of hand here. Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right, "What if Jacob had made it to the party?" I think that may have been the whole idea behind this entire post. Who didn't want to see Jacob get his balls ripped to shreds by Sally? Show of hands, and/or balls that you've previously torn off yourself or another poor soul!

"You invited him here!? That fucking guy date raped me you IDIOT!!"

Like I said, a whole shitload of crazy stuff could have gone down with Jacob's arrival. I think they pretty much wrote themselves into a corner with the whole "building being non-accessible" thing though. Nobody goes in or gets out, right? Except people do get out at the end... so these punk ass lowlifes could have found a way to break in. There's always a way, that's what I say. And if you've got to bend some logic so a vengeful young lady can break in her new claws on some greasy meatza balls, then so be it. But, alas, that doesn't happen. Sally doesn't rip Jacob's balls off and shove them down his (or anyone else's) throat. Which, I suppose, kinda begs the question... Was Jacob really all that bad? Did he actually "wrong" Sally? Who are we, as the dumbfounded viewers, to make assumptions? What has Sally ever done to give any of us the perception that she's nothing more than a psycho bitch who's obsessed with her own looks and doesn't give a fuck about anyone else? Not much really.

Look at this Fuckin' Newb. Standing outside of a party the whole f'n night for a guy who never shows up.

After Jacob's very first car accident he seemed to forget all about Sally and was focused on helping out his new girl and friends. Sure, Jacob likes to have hot and nasty sex with any stuck up sweety he can lay his greasy pizza-eating hands on, but that doesn't make him a date rapist! Sheesh. Honestly speaking, Sally seemed pretty high maintenance and totally irrational on her own. If Jacob was ever to be her boyfriend or fuck-buddy, then it must have been some hard work for him. Why else would he be constantly clenching his jaw like that? Imagine the stress of having Sally for a gally. "My Hair My Dress My Face My Vag BlahBlahBlah...."  Jacob didn't date rape her, she rape dated him. Once he left her out to dry due to her multiple collective clinging attributes, she obviously went total psycho and blamed TV. What-ev, Sally.

Nancy Brilli gets a bit unnerved in Demons 2 (1986)

When I'm watching a film about bloodthirsty demons running amok and scratching people to death the last thing I want to see is a calm spot where the movie slows down, the music disappears and everyone is just hanging around. It's inevitable however. No matter the insane blitz of violence and rockin' tunes, there's always a quiet spot to let you catch your breath, set up some "atmosphere" and add to the "tension".

Luckily in Demons 2, we get a nice little scene with Nancy Brilli as Hannah where she's waiting for her husband to come back. But instead of him showing up and everything being fine, strange noises and a creepy child's voice get her a bit paranoid instead. We're treated to a few close-up shots of the beauty, and even get to see another character stare directly into the camera again. I think the breaking of the 4th wall count is about at six now, maybe seven.

 Here's lookin' at you babe!

12 Great Quotes from Demons 2 (1986)