Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)
[Rated PG-13: for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity]

Breaking Dawn Part 2 starts off very quietly with Bella in a room looking at herself in a mirror. She looks fabulous! Edward slowly walks and they softly touch each other  hold hands and kiss. They tell one another "I love you", then Edward smiles and tells her "We're the same temperature now." Awww. Hey, you think she practiced with a Popsicle before they finally had sex? After staring at herself and her husband for a while, Bella remembers that she just had a baby. "Renesmee, where is she? I have to see her!" Edward says that Bella can't see her until she feeds, so they go out and do some vampire stuff. When they come back, Jacob is waiting (with a shirt on for once) and he slowly lets her sniff him to get acquainted with hopefully not wanting to eat him I suppose? Through a series of unspoken nods, Edward and Jacob decide it's safe for Bella to see her own child. And here we're introduced to the most beautiful, creepiest looking motion-capture CGI baby version of an eleven year old actress you'll ever witness in your entire life. 

At this time Bella is unaware that Jacob has imprinted on her newborn baby Renesmee, something which ultimately means that he'll be having sex with her for the rest of their lives by the time she's seven years old (which is supposedly 16-18 in Dhampir years?) Everyone else knows this however, (and through a series of unspoken nods) they try for about a minute to keep things quiet after Bella awakens from her deathly slumber. But treating her as a stupid little girl doesn't seem to work any longer as she's now got golden red eyes and no pulse. She wants to know why Jacob gives such a shit about her baby and nobody getting eaten in her newborn state, and why he's being so clingy not all of a sudden. So Edward and Jacob agree to tell her (through a series of unspoken nods) that he has indeed made an "uncontrollable" wolf-clan mind-meld with one-day-old Renesmee and that their souls will forever be forced together (something Jacob always wanted to do with first and only other love Bella but couldn't, since she is a "Shield").

Bella becomes understandably pissed off and beats the shit out of him for this, shouting things like "I haven't even held her in my arms and you've taken her from me!" and the utterly fantastic "YOU NICKNAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!?" upon hearing him refer to her as "Nesse". He's like, "Bella, It's not what it looks like! You've gotta understand, I know she's just a baby but we're getting married." Or some shit like that, and it's great, because it IS what it looks like. I can't believe they're trying to sugarcoat this... I mean, I'm sure they'll wait until the time is right. By this time Jacob is in Edward and Bella's lives forever, and no matter how pissed off Bella originally was about this, Jacob even starts living at the Cullen's house. Which is pretty fucking bizarre considering how everything started out. But by now with these films and how ridiculous they've become over time with the sequels, nothing like this should be a surprise by now. They're all one big fucked up, not-really-happy but gloomy and forlorn family.

So I guess the plot of the story is that vampire Irina (the immaculate Maggie Grace) witnesses the young girl Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) floating through the air collecting snowflakes for Bella and Jacob. She stares at them for a while in shock and disgust, before running off to Italy to tell the Volturi that the Cullens have created a vampire child - something strictly forbidden and a crime punishable by death! Of course, Renesmee is actually only half-vampire (which for whatever reason isn't that bad?), so the Cullen clan goes around the world searching for other vampires to be witnesses to this, in hopes that nobody will die. SPOILERS: Everyone dies! I guess in the books nothing really happens at the end... that's what I heard. The Volturi show up and it's all drama, they're all about to kill everyone, but are convinced not to because the girl is half human, and they all live happily ever after. The filmmakers here added a little bit of action to the finale here, and man, did it make for one hell of a cinematic experience!

If you're going to ever watch this film, the absolute best time to do so would be right now in the Cinema with tons of unsuspecting fangirls of all ages. Why? Because you're going to want to be there to experience the reactions when their beloved characters are crushed to death and gets their heads ripped off. When the time for the big standoff comes, shit gets really intense (the music stops) and Aro (Michael Sheen) does his best impression of Nicholas Cage in Face/Off after snorting all those drugs. This fuckin' guy is nuts, so anything can happen here. After discovering that Renesmee isn't a true vampire child, Irena takes responsibility for her mistake and wasting their time... to which they then rip off her arms and head and light her on fire. Boo-yah! When the Volturi grab hold of Alice, she tells them that nothing she shows them will change their decision to fight and kill. And just when it seems that she's done for, father of the Cullen clan Carlisle runs to her aid.

As he runs towards the Volturi mob, Aro charges towards him and they both collide in mid-air. Aro lands crouching in the snow and Carlisle falls to the ground. As Aro rises up slowly, we see that he's holding Carlisle's severed head in his hand. Every single chick in the theater let out a super loud Gasp when this happened, and it was awesome. Even I was shocked admittedly. Who the hell would have expected that? Esme (Elisabeth Reaser), Carlisle's wife, lets out a horrified scream. Then both parties run towards the other and the bloodshed ensues. There was a buzzing throughout the room when the battle finally began. The screen was chaos with some fodder getting offed first, then Jane (Dakota Fanning) gets sight of Jasper (Jackson Rathbone). Bella tries to project her shielding abilities to protect him, but is ambushed by Jane's brother Alec (Cameron Bright). Without Bella's protection and outnumbered, Jane applies her "PAIN" spell on him. Jasper falls to his knees and the Volturi guard Demetri karate-chops his head clean off! 

At this point with Alice's boyfriend dead, the crowd starts to fucking lose it. I could hear "OMG"s everywhere, girls started breaking down and crying, and one chick just kept repeating the phrase "What is happening?! Are you serious?! What is happening?!" Wolf brother and sister Seth and Leah got it next. Jane then hit Seth the "PAIN" and a Volturi guard crushed his neck in about thirty places, dropping his drooling doggy corpse to the ground. Leah sacrificed herself to save Esme from being dragged down to hell and fell (in super sad slow motion with emphasis on crying wolf eyes) down into a lava pit. Nobody could sit still, people were thrashing around in their seats and I was waiting for someone to faint, but then the tides turned on the Volturi. Edward ripped off one of the guards heads with a twirly wrestling move. The blonde snobby Volturi guy got his face ripped in half lengthwise by some hot blonde vamp chicks, leaving his chin and tongue tangling as he fell to the ground. The older Volturi gentleman was torn to shreds after quietly whispering to himself "Finally" and allowing it to happen.

Emmett drops Alec on his back and kicks him in the throat, knocking him three feet into the soil. He then  rips his body from his head, by the feet(!), much to the dismay of Jane. As Aro and Jane begin to notice that things aren't going so well anymore, Alice makes a mad dash for Jane while under the protection of Bella. Jane for the first time in the series feels the fear, makes a face that looks like she's pissing herself, and starts to run away. The crowd goes nuts, laughing out loud and clapping. Alice grabs her by the throat, Jane shits bricks, and then Alice feeds her head first to big, black wolf Sam. Sam tears her head clean off and tosses it aside and the whole crowd cheers. Some people even stand up and scream. This was by far the loudest reaction during the whole movie. Man, people must have hated that bitch. With the whole theater in pandemonium, Bella and Edward double teamed Aro. Edward kicked him in the nuts and Bella jumped on his back and twisted his head off like a bottle cap. The place was in hysterics, when suddenly, as Bella was just about to light Aro's head on fire and we're staring into his fearful eyes, the scene cuts back to Alice holding Aro's hand. The sinister reveal that mind-fucked everyone in the audience, and left everyone talking till the end credits was tremendous. "They made me cry, those bastards!"

Even though the scene occurred as she was (or just after she was) showing him a vision, it was of course shown to us differently than the rest have been so far, and it was done seamlessly. Of course, this was done to trick the audience into as many emotions as possible and it totally worked. Some have said that this is a big "FU" to the people, or that the filmmakers were intentionally fucking with the rabid fans by pulling their heartstrings but I say Whatev! That shit was hilarious! I'm begging for an extended cut where more of the main characters die. Some of them seemed a bit left out of this battle, which was the only downside to it since Emmett and Rosalie could have died too. Even though everyone really didn't die, there actually was one true death in this one. The vampire girl Irena, who stuck her nose where it didn't belong. I guess the moral of the story is that bitches shouldn't fuck around in other people's business. If she hadn't been snooping around and later ran her mouth, everything would have been fine and she'd still be alive. No matter how hot she is, this sort of thing shouldn't be tolerated in any way, shape or form.

So all in all my niece and I had a great time seeing this along with all of those sobbing, orgasming and heart attack having girls. It was a pretty diverse crowd actually, but everyone got swept up in the final act. A plus for the grown men in the audience, we got to see a lot of decapitations and well, that dude's face being ripped lengthwise in half was the scene that had me laughing for about a minute. There was also a very PG-13 sex scene towards the beginning, with a lot of close-ups of legs, and arms conveniently covering boobs. Acting and make-up are of course what to be expected with these Twilight films. No matter how sappy or juvenile the story may ultimately be, a majority of side characters got some ample time in these last five films to make at least an impact when they were killed off. There were also a lot of ultra close-ups, a lot of airbrushing in some scenes (specifically on Bella and Renesmee's faces) and there's the issue of the CGI on actress Mackenzie Foy to superimpose her face on an animatronic baby or later in a future vision, a teenager. It wasn't overly horrible, just very noticeable.

The Twilight "Saga" may be a series of films where very little actually happens, but I can appreciate it for what it really is... and that's stupid, stupid fun. It sends a horrible message to young women, it's completely ridiculous, and it's all based around an incredibly selfish, stuttering, blinking, suicidal girl played by the incredibly hot Kristen Stewart. People say that these movies "Ruined Vampires", but similar shit was said when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were cast in Interview, and look at that movie now. It's pretty badass. You just wait... in about twenty years we'll be looking back at the heyday when Sparkling Vampires like Edward weren't such pussies as compared to what they've got now. Now that it's all "over" now, what's there to look forward to? Next year a new movie based on another of Stephanie Myers' books is coming out, called The Host. Who's starring in it you ask? Saoirse Ronan, who I at the moment am completely obsessed with. Just like with Kristen Stewart, these fuckers keep finding a way to pull me into this chubby author's world. Till next time... keep on Sparklin'.