Dogfish Head FORT

Dogfish Head Fort - Ale brewed with Pureed Raspberries (2009!)

Occasional Rarity (Limited Release)

25.4 fl. oz. / $16.99 USD / 18% ABV

About: "An ale brewed with a ridiculous amount of pureed raspberries (over a ton of 'em!). Fort has a Belgian-style base, then we follow a similar fermentation process to the one we use on our other super-high ABV beers, 120 Minute IPA and World Wide Stout. 

Fort is an excellent candidate for cellaring. Grab a few bottles, enjoy one now and lay the others down for a few years. Want to know when the Fort you find was bottled? Check the 'Bottled On' date on the neck of each bottle. Fort is also an excellent food beer. Our favorite pairings include anything chocolate or a nice piece of duck.

The Fort label art was designed by our rock-and-roll friend Tara McPherson. Tara also did the label art for our Chateau Jiahu and our 2012 Seasonal Prints and Uber-Tap Handle. Can you tell we kinda love her work?!"

Thoughts: I've been wanting to try this one for years. Something about that incredible artwork, the ridiculous price, the warning label on the cap... five or six bottles have been sitting in the liquor store down the street for a long time now, so I figured I'd make today that day. Three of the bottles were from 2011 and the two in the back were from 2009. So like a maniac I of course grabbed a 2009 one, since I too, like to live dangerously.

Fort poured a really hazy dirty orange color and featured an off white head that puffed up, before slowly dying down and never completely fading away. It's really murky. Some black flakes floating around the bottom, but I can only see it due to the light through that narrow bottom tip of the glass.

The smell actually reminds me of the other high gravity Dogfish head brews. I haven't exactly had a lot to compare these to so obviously they would I guess. The first whiff I got off the bottle wasn't exactly a pleasant one though. This is some harsh shit, right here. It smells a lot like wine. And not those pussy ass fruit wines either, I'm talking actual wine. Though it is fruity and has almost a little bit of a cider-like quality to it as well. The raspberries came through just moments later with a tremendous amount of alcohol. After a while they lay hidden until breathing in for a long period, then the sweetness starts to slowly emerge and build up heavily. But this doesn't smell sweet. It smells tart as fuck actually. The Belgian base is somewhat hard to get, but one you find it, it stays right there along with the blistering booze. 

The taste at first is way sweeter than the scent led on. It started with a huge blast of raspberry puree, followed by doughy warm bread that engulfed the mouth and then the slightest haze of booze which came in and fell back reasonably quick, leaving a very smooth and luxurious aftertaste. Nice. I didn't really know what to expect from the smell, but I was thinking it was going to be a lot harsher than it actually ended up being. Make no mistake, this is boozy as all hell... but I'll be damned, there's nothing off putting about it at all. It's a little bit spicy, a bit fiery (both in the mouth and belly), sweet and tart at the same time, robust and malty, succulent and savory, tangy and tickling. It's got a zing to it, and a light haze that rides through all the way. The brews got hints of golden raisins, tart cherry, half-cooked sugar rolls, plums, white grapes and tons of raspberry. Some truly mystifying shit this one is.

Mouth feel is smooth, slightly watery, tingling, extremely coating, long lasting, immense and satisfying.

Overall thoughts? Well, I can't say that I'm not satisfied. It could have been a shitload worse. Not only did I enjoy this brew thoroughly, but I'm feelin' real nice right now as I finish the bottle alone in this dark room of lamented anguish. I wouldn't go as far as to call this a great brew on its own, but for a Dogfish head rarity, its among the top, and that's despite being a fruit beer! Let's face the facts... who really likes fruit beers? Double IPAs that reek of tropical fruit juice, perhaps, but this is one fruit beer actually worth trying. Now where'd I stash my bottle of raspberry MD20/20 for that comparison review!?

Emilia Clarke takes a sizzling bath in Game of Thrones (2011)

When I first started watching Game of Thrones, this incredibly sultry hot blonde named Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) showed up and the first thought that entered my brain was "holy fuck... I hope she get naked!" C'mon, you know me. What else would you expect? With that forlorn, destitute look on her face I could only imagine the sensual tear-shedding leg-spreading bet-wetting sessions that were in store. Sadness, of course, is and has always been my favorite starting point. So needless to say, I was a little more than excited. 

It was that very moment when her brother walked into the "Virginal Bathing Room" and began to molest his dearest sister, much to my twisted delight! "Awww sheit" I said to myself, "...here we go!"  Yes indeed, there he is sizing her up but for some reason not enjoying it (he's obviously from the House of Flames, if you know what I mean - la-de-da!). He wants to pawn his 'dumb bitch of a sister' off to some neanderthal for his own personal gain of course, but that's all politics and I'm not here to discuss such matters.

No, I'm here to discuss titties!

That's right Daenerys... don't look so surprised. 

"My titties?" She asks while looking up at me with those sweet little titties...

"Yes." I reply to the cute little voice in my head as I walk away to masturbate alone.

Then this weird thing happens where she steps into this steaming hot bath that could easily peel the flesh off of any normal human, and she doesn't even blink. Since I don't know what's going on yet with the series at this point I just assume that she's just some fucking sadomasochistic, post-traumatic molesting-brother hypnotic-induced empty-soul pain-freak!!1? But *spoiler alert*, it turns out that she's just hot... under the collar! ;) If you know wh

Stay tuned next time for more Titties and Beer right here on Titties and Beer, the site that obsesses over titties while beer is consumed while titties are looked at while drinking beer is drunk. Will there be more to come from sweet little Emilia? You bet your sweet little huge beer covered titties and blonde wig there will be. Will I actually focus on my artistic craft instead of just taking snapshots of hot girl's titties? You just keep clicking that update in your reading list to find out! But if you don't see tits, blood or beer... then perhaps I've officially lost my brain. In that case you should call your nearest embalmer, embed the last pic I posted into my retinas 4 Flies style and rest my hands on my cock. Just in case.

Marion Cotillard goes for a swim in Rust and Bone (2012)

When Stéphanie (Marion Cotillard) got her legs bitten off by a Killer Whale (!!1), she never would have expected to find a soul-mate in fellow tortured soul (and previously disregarded piece of trash / knight in off-white satin) Alain (Matthias Schoenaerts). But I guess it goes to show. For a woman who used her immaculate beauty to fuck with, belittle and cock-tease guys at bars up until the point where they would straight-up punch her in the fucking face, this dude did nothing more than step up and protect her. It was his job at the time, granted. He wanted that sweet pussy, granted. He didn't get none, due to her living with her abusive boyfriend. Granted?

It was just another night and she was acting like another (pretend high-end) bitch as usual. But perhaps there was a bit more to this guy than just wanting to F to teh UCK! He's got problems. She's got problems. He noticed something wrong, gave her his number and left. She kept it, and I guess that's an admirable slut feature, but she never called him while she was out taunting the crowds with her succulent titties. Though I guess getting your legs bitten off by ORCA and having everyone around you just fuckin' disappear with the quickness afterwards makes a once-hot chick totally desperate. Thus the white knight got that fateful call, a couple months after our dashing lady had been bed-ridden and without feets.

But our man remained the man that he is, whether right or wrong or both, and stayed true to himself no matter the case. He didn't treat her like a cripple. When he saw her again, for the first time it seemed, he treated her just like he had treated her that fateful night... and actually, a bit worse (if you're sentimental). Which is understandable! She was being totally narcissistic and had to be tamed somehow. But our guy here isn't perfect, far from it, and he's not an egotist, no way. He's attracted to this chick and things are weird all around no matter what, so he's just going to do what he does best and that's let the person around him be comfortable. Stéphanie has a bit of trouble (no pun) stepping into her new skin, but that doesn't stop Alain from not giving a fuck after she refuses to go into the ocean with him for a swim.

He goes anyways, after delivering a "psshh" before he struts off. When he comes back, Stéph comes to her senses and decides to go in for a dip. Once she gets in the water our hero lets her free and she waddles around while he goes back on the sand to get some rest. This is just one of the instances where Alain doesn't let her new found handicap get in her way or stop her from doing what she should be. It's a very admirable trait from a (disputably) not so admirable human being, and it's delivered with raw honesty and a positive attitude. All despite them not really knowing each other... yet. Both of these lost souls however suspect, or come to the realization rather, that they know each other a lot more than they let on. As an added convenience, both of them are deeply flawed individuals and as it turns out, they balance one another out in a raw, grimy and sadly euphoric sort of way.

Not to say that she was the only desperate one... they both are, obviously. That's what "life" does to a person. Especially a person who doesn't know what path they're on, should be and/or never will, which is everybody. But let us not dwell. There's a moral to this story I think, and that's to roll with the punches... and uh, Killer Whale bites(?) ...and just live your mundane life to the fullest. I suppose forming bonds is a rather difficult thing. Were we as humans meant to select another, provide and protect? Or were we made to run rampant and fuck everything that moves (or lays still for a while)? Little bit of both? Since the dawn of time, man has tried to have everything.

Years ago, I was told the story of a man who went around the world stealing rare pussy. For each precious pussy gathered his legend grew stronger. Everyone from each of the villages and towns nearby searched far and wide (no pun) for that missing pussy, but couldn't find it. One day, a small boy was wandering along by the river and found several dead bodies of hot chicks. It turns out that our rapist was just going around thrashing grrrls up and laying waste to their corpses in the lake. This man had no intention of collecting PYT's and displaying them for his own ego. He simply did not give a fuck. The point of the story Dear Reader, is that some guys just want to watch their cocks burn. I really only posted these pics for wet t-shirt nipple pics. Hope you enjoyed the words though. ;)

Fantôme de Noel

Fantôme de Noel (2012/2011???)

Brewed and Bottled by Brasserie Fantome, in Soy, Belgium.

Speciale Release (Winter). 

25.4 fl. oz. / $14.44 USD / 10% ABV

About: "FANTOME SPECIALE NOEL: brune foncée, très caramélisée, malts torréfiés, et assez forte! (10% alcool).... Une bière pour un hiver rigoureux ... et idéale à offrir!" "A very dark and entirely unique holiday seasonal beer, at a whopping 10% alc. by volume. Reportedly spiced with honey, caramel, coriander, black pepper, and other secret ingredients."

Thoughts: A bottle with a cap and a cork? What in the fuck... well that's interesting. As I hold this bottle up to the light I notice what appears to be a shitload of yeast floating around the bottom. At least, I hope that's what it is. ;) As I snap a few shots of the bottle, I think to myself 'how the fuck am I gonna do this?'...so I pop off the top and go to work with my shitty one dollar corkscrew (hey, it beats a sharp knife). I man up and twist that cork out of the tight bottle, a billow of grey smoke rises up and I take a whiff. Not bad. The cork has "Brasserie Fantôme Soy 086/477044" written on the side of it.

I tilt the glass and start to pour and this beer is nothing but head. Usually I have a half-finger head, not a half-finger of beer with a head nearly to the top of the glass.  I let it die down and go for a second pour... same results. Yeah, this is going to take a while. I guess I'll talk about the cool artwork on the label. It features Santa riding on a sleigh with the Fantôme ghost looming in the air, looking down on him mischievously. Cool stuff. He also looks like a floating snowman.

Noel pours a really cloudy, muddy apricot amber like dirty-orange color with a ten finger off-white head and about a trillion carbonation bubbles rising up at the speed of light. With the vast amount of bubbles maintaining the head there's no way this is going to be dying down anytime soon.

Smells just like a Belgian farmhouse ale. There's that heavy yeast, hints of crisp apples and black pepper. Overall very pleasing to the senses. It smells a little bit fruity, slightly tangy, and lightly spiced. Not really sensing anything "Christmas-y" about it, but whatever... I'm used to that by now. It's a bit floral, there are cherries dancing in the background and it's got a toasty note to it most likely due to some rye like malt and pepper. This beer is in a green bottle as well, and has a fair amount of skunk to it.

The taste is... well, not really like anything I've ever tasted before so I guess that's new and interesting. On the first gulp I got a little bit of tartness that mellowed out quick, which followed by a little bit of a burnt rubbery sensation and after I swallowed tons of cigarette smoke and ash. That all sounds really unpleasant, but it wasn't actually that bad for a first gulp. The taste of kissing a cute girl who smokes all day long is probably the least spectacular part so far. I wonder how it'll get upon further inspection.

Hmm... is't actually not quite bad. It only tastes like cigarettes and stale bubblegum when you breathe in afterwards, but aside from that it's got a gently sweet and tart taste to it. It's got a char to it around the back like I noted, but it's not really like wood, but more like burning paper. My, doesn't that sound refreshing? It doesn't taste much like bubblegum as much as it does like sour cherries, ocean and bonfire mist, and gentle spices. It's a bit rubbery, like chewing on old 80's He-Man toy heads, but I've had FAR worse than this. In fact, if going into this you consider it a smoked beer then you'll probably be more than excited and pleased by the taste of things here.

Puckering inside my mouth to examine flavor and it gets a little bit like fresh cut grass and fruit that has fallen from a tree and is starting to get moist. While inside the mouth this beer is a treat in itself, nicely sweet with some very enjoyable Belgian yeast, a lot of cherries with some gentle tartness. It's only when air hits it afterwards is when the heavy fog sets in. I'm not even a third of the way through the bottle yet, and can only imagine what this beer will be like once I pour that yeast from the bottom of the bottle into my glass.

Alright, poured the bottom of the bottle in and now it's thick like fog! Looks kinda like brown juice from a carrot and vegetable juicer or some shit. And huh... perhaps I should have rolled this bottle before I poured it, because to me now it tastes a little more even. Still tastes pretty much the same... just a little more even. I guess the closest thing I could possibly compare this to is Mad Elf Ale. I guess these Belgian folk have some crazy as all fuck Christmas beer. Apparently I'm getting used to it. Have I evolved!? o_o Nah, perhaps these beers have damaged my brain cells.

Founders DOOM

Founders DOOM - Imperial IPA Aged in Bourbon Barrels (2013)

Backstage Series (Extremely Limited Release).

25.4 fl. oz. / $14.99 USD / 10% ABV

About: "Doom is unleashed when Founders’ award-winning specialty Imperial IPA, Double Trouble, is aged in bourbon barrels for four months to create a distinct flavor experience. So, while Double Trouble is brewed to turn your world upside down, Doom is brewed to tear it apart: pungent hops conspire with boozy bourbon notes to send your senses spinning. Known as “Hand of Doom” when originally brewed for our taproom, this 10% ABV beer is a unique addition to our barrel-aged repertoire, which has mostly consisted of malt-forward beers such as Backwoods Bastard and Kentucky Breakfast Stout.

The Backstage Series brings some of our most sought-after and experimental taproom beers to a much larger audience. Every single 750mL bottle of these limited batches is intended for Founders fans to share, celebrate and thoroughly enjoy. And each release affirms that, as a small brewery, we are following our passion: beer that is brewed for us. It will always be about producing the best beer we can and offering it to those who share our enthusiasm. Backstage Series beers are brewed sporadically throughout the year in limited supply. These beers are not on a set schedule and may or may not ever be brewed again. Regardless, rest assured that whatever comes next will be amazing and unique."

Thoughts: DOOM poured a yellowish color out of the bottle that formed into light, slightly orange golden honey-like hue. It's got a one finger super opaque white head with all different shaped bubbles. The beer is really cloudy and there are quite a few carbonation bubbles rising up from the center of the glass and even around the edges.

On the first whiff out of the hissing bottle I got a strong double IPA for a single second before a rush of bourbon barrel oak flooded in and consumed it. Pouring it into the glass and leaning in I envision kiwi, pineapple, grapefruit and... coconut. This really smells like candy. Like guava fruit roll-ups with little shreds of coconut on them. Very juicy and fruity and tropical. As it warms more of that vanilla like bourbon comes out.

This stuff is absolutely insane! Liquid candy makes you dandy. It's all those smells I listed above but in a wet juicy explosion of marvelous flavors, with a bitter haze at the end of it all and a mellow woodsy aftertaste riding it out. The sweetness, bitterness, and bourbon addition all go through stages. It's got strength around the back, it's peppery around the middle and boozy after each gulp. Aside from the more dominant flavors, there's a malty backdrop that's sweet like honey. This one is real big on flavor all the way through. It's great. Loads of complexity.

Doom is some pretty heavy stuff. It's tingly in the mouth and has a great peppery sensation to it. It finishes a bit dry as well. The beer mellows slightly over the time of long sipping and gulps... but it stays incredibly tasty and those barrel flavors really come out. It's got a fruity punch that still hits hard with each taste even after you've let it settle inside you for a while. This is some fine drinking.

Mix-a-six Madness!

What do beer and porn have in common? Everything... when it's Beer Porn!

Overall this was a pretty nice haul. The only thing is, I didn't really get anything that I truly desired. Not to say that I'm not pleased with what I brought home, but the fact is I went out searching for a few things in particular, couldn't find them, and came up with a case of the pouty-pouts at the liquor store as I moped around for a solid thirty minutes. It was after all an hour long round trip, not including my sad time and stopping at other places. But enough of me being a total bitch... let's check out the inventory:

1. Stone's ENJOY BY (Batch #7). This was a separate store (non haul) purchase. This is the third time I drank this beer and I have reviewed it three times on this very website. CLICK to ENJOY it.

2. I just bought my very first Fantôme! It's their Christmas beer of course, which is the most expensive thing in that lineup. I've always wanted to try one of their brews and since I've got an affliction for snowmen that resemble ghosts... or wait, is that the other way around?

3. I was about to purchase LiVE about a month ago in a bomber, but the price climbed from 7 to 10 something bucks during the week so I said fuck that! I don't know if it was a mistake or what the hell was going on, but I do love me some Southern Tier and still wanted to try it. There I am a month later and it's eight dollars for a six pack and it comes with a Free pint glass w/ logo. Nicely done.

4. The Fantôme was part of my sixer-mixer. The other beers I just wanted to try without buying 4 or 6 packs. Being parts of a whole, these beers were significantly cheaper (though not necessarily cheap) than other big beers. Thirsty yet?

Fright Rags KILL Destroyers T-Shirt!

I wonder what came in the mail today? Awwwwwww yeahz. Take a look at that. Would you just look at it?! It's been a while since I pre-ordered anything, let alone a T-Shirt, but I just had to have this colorful piece of yarn on a drunken whim. I'm not much of a KISS fan, but I do dig their cover art and this was just a really funny idea for a shirt. And just check out how fabulously gay Mr. Voorhees looks there! Gotta luv it. And don't get me started on the placement of Chuck's blade. Hehehe...

Also included were these freebies: A totally killer American Werewolf sticker(!), a Large Marge "Fright Film Facts" card and of course like always, a WarHead. I love the bonuses that Fright Rags give out, especially when it's a sticker. Stickers rule. Thanks dudes! 

As always: Click on both images to see the large (marge) versions.

Stone, Aleman and Two Brothers DAYMAN Coffee IPA

Stone, Aleman and Two Brothers DAYMAN Coffee IPA (2013)

Collaboration Brew (Limited Release) - Bottled on 3-1-13 (25 days ago as of this review).

22 fl. oz. / $7.19 USD / 8.7% ABV

About: "Jim Moorehouse, Nate Albrecht and Brad Zeller, three pals planning to open a Chicago brewpub under the moniker of Aleman, won first place at last year's Iron Brew homebrewing competition in the Windy City. Their style-bending IPA artfully married the assertive tropical bite of Citra hops with amazing coffee flavor and aromatics to create something truly unique and exceptional. Serendipitously, Two Brothers recently kicked off a new adventure roasting their own coffee beans, and provided just-in-time freshly roasted java for the brew. The result is an innovative IPA that's well balanced and intensely flavored thanks to the felicitous blend of hops and fresh roasted coffee."

Thoughts: Had to pour this one straight down into the glass to get that half finger sliver of a head there, which was slightly off white and bubbled away quickly. DAYMAN poured out a light but vivid orange color, with perhaps a slight shade of auburn in there too. Lot of carbonation bubbles rising despite the short head which is strange.

Smells a lot better than I had thought it would. I didn't know what the fuck to expect when I read "Coffee IPA" on the bottle, but scent-wise the blend is pretty remarkable. You get those hops for a split second before this ridiculously sweet smelling coffee rushes in and then just swirls around. After that it's like a really neat blend of an ice coffee with tons of sugar and cream... and weed.

The taste: Out-fuckin'-standing. Wow. What a beer. For a coffee beer I mean, don't get me wrong. I hardly ever drink coffee, but I used to years and years ago. I got these amazing tasting iced coffees all the time from this local shop back in the day, I think the name was Starfucks or something, I can't remember, and the flavors in here taste just like it. Especially considering at the time I was reeking of that dank bud, this one just really takes me back to the good old daze. If I hadn't ashed my stash this would be the perfect opportunity to get back to the review, so... this beer has a crazy mix of gentle bitter and sweetness that compliment each other well. There's this lingering bitterness that lasts the whole way through, but man it's not really bitter at all. It's got this indulgent sweetness that pulls it back the whole way, but at the same time it's not sweet at all. The mingling of flavors here is just so strange that it has to be experienced by anyone who's into IPAs or coffee just to see how in the hell this sort of thing could happen. This is a weird one!

Decided to look this one up and I guess some people are saying that this is better "on tap". I want to know who the fuck bought a bottle of this AND had it on tap in the same week it came out. They say that "the hops really pop instead of being overflowed by coffee"... but uh, well, I guess you've got to be in the right place at all times. I couldn't possibly know how the tap "with heavier hops" compares to this, but after warming a bit the coffee does tend to take over. When I first opened this hops were crazy nuts, and then everything mixed brilliantly... now that I'm later in the day and am drinking the last half of the bottle after hitting up some other brews, this one really has a strong coffee kick to it. So maybe it's just the warming effect.

I enjoyed this. It was one of those surprising bottle openings that I didn't expect to please me, but it just happened to be so weird that it was a nice change from the same ol' shit.

Scored 46 Playboy Magazines from the Early 90's!

So I'm down at the pub a while back when in walks fellow wizard Randalf the Mouth, aptly named due to his unrelenting one way conversational skills and large, pointy gray grey hat. As we both enjoy the early morning's liquid refreshments, he tells me of the previous workweek's vast account of incredulous and personal events. During the first ten minutes of his story about moving to a new apartment right down the street, my mind wanders and he notices that I have become entranced once again by the eye-catching, shiny, glitter covered, bouncy titties behind the bar. "Speaking of titties," he says "you outta see this huge box of old Playboys I had to lug up the stairs."

Tires screech, my eyes bulge... he continues talking, I interrupt him. "Wait a minute! Huge box of old Playboys?" He then tells me he's got all these old magazines that he doesn't really have a use for anymore, whatever that means. I ask him what decade. Early 90's he tells me. A flood of images rush through my brain, and I think about my old lost copy of Jenny McCarthy's 30 minute Playmate VHS. What bountiful treasures are buried within that box I imagine. "You can have them if you want." o_o! Holy shit. Yes, that would be fantastic, absolutely fantastic. I of course ask the obligatory question any rational perv would ask: "Are the pages all stuck together?" Of course not, he assures me.

These are 24 of the more interesting (and classic) covers... the last two are pretty WTF!? Also, I decided to go with my better judgement and not include the ones with Donald Trump or that chick from Murphy Brown.  

Nothin' sticky, they just all smell like cigarettes. Thanks Randalf, and Cheers to you!