Film!: Bitch Slap / Bruce Campbell

Bitch Slap (2009)

So yeah, saw Bitch Slap. Fuckin’ loved it… for the most part, at least.

While some effects were noticeably bad, such as the green-screen beach (and the green screen train station, and the green screen green screen), they were more than tolerable and actually added to the unique Spirit-style look of the film. Everything looked pretty much fake, so be it, and there’s not anything wrong with that a film that isn’t set out to be anything other than radically visually entertaining. However, when things got out of hand it did tend to look like complete shit. That crazy ass shootout in front of the Piggly Wiggly was far too jumbled and trashy. I don’t know if that’s what they were going for, but I hope not. It was mildly funny, but it got messy real quick… especially compared to how the rest of the film was either: classic Grindhouse, Glossy New-School B-Film, and Fake-As-All-Shit James Bond throwback.

The props all looked pretty sweet, aside from that big ass plasma cannon that was more plastic than some of the acting. I caught all the tributes and got what they were going for, but what really made the film was the “artistic” way in which it was shot. Bitch Slap is pretty much nothing more than a thirty minute film, padded out (no pun) with another fifty minutes of sweet sweet booty and titty shots. If Grindhouse was Back-To-Back, then this shit is Front-To-Front, and I appreciate it too. Not a film without its flaws (one being that supposedly 3/4th of the chicks featured “aren’t as hot as they’d like you to believe” – though, they’re still mad hot made up), it definitely makes up for it in gratuitous stuff. I’m not bothered that half the girls in the film aren’t my type (too tall, too thin, too mouthy, too violent, not blonde enough, not black enough, they speak English, have hidden agendas, are drama queens, are switch-hitters, wear tin-foil hats while they eat breakfast, collect PEZ dispensers, adore QT, think they’re “all that”, spout catchphrases, ect)…

…because the film was actually fun! Despite how much of it may have started to suck here and there, nothing can take away the fact that the movie completed its mission to keep my eyes on the screen and my hand on my controller. This movie is beyond absurd; sometimes even with the wacky sound effects to boot, and never takes itself too seriously. With Camero’s mugging, Trixie’s pouting and Hel’s Clint Eastwooding mixed in with some over the top and ridiculous dialogue, you’ll know right away what you’re in for. And it does all get stranger as it goes along, with mysterious surprises and eye opening flashbacks tossed in for good measure.

There’s a little Nunsploitation tribute scene that makes the film collection worthy even if the rest of it might not appeal to you in a major way. But I don’t see why it wouldn’t anyhow, as there’s a little something for everyone… with maybe the exception of straight females, but their ‘demographic’ isn’t really suited for these things am I right? And perhaps people with good taste too, but everyone did a bang up job in their roles. Aside from the three main girls, the characters of Gage and Hot Wire were especially badass. As for Kinki, I can see what they were going for obvious tribute-wise, but her high pitched cackling annoyed me to no end (much like Baby in Robert Zombie’s films). You can tell that everyone was really having fun with this project, and that’s what the viewer should do too.

Would you like to see Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior, and Kevin Sorbo hamming it up to the eleventh degree? How about seeing America Olivo rip off her traditional black and white habit down to kinky leather lingerie? Or maybe to see the three ladies take a quick break from digging for treasure to have a soaking wet water fight? If you’re into cheesy ass films and can endure horrible CGI, but enjoy a glossy look and some ADHD editing mixed with some slo-mo, then Bitch Slap is for you!

I can understand how this movie is getting some low ratings and pretty much trashed wherever you look. But for every bad review there seems to be someone else claiming to love it. I’m not generally too hard on these kinds of movies because I go in with absolutely no expectations to begin with most of the time. Bitch Slap is to Grindhouse, as Austin Powers is to Bond Films… so what do you expect? Entertainment for one, and Bitch Slap does not fail in that department. Also, as an added bonus, it doesn’t utterly reek of pretentiousness. You might catch a whiff when Trixie goes on about that Samurai sword, but that’s it. Watch the TRAILER, or just see the film and prepare for major grinnage.

My Name Is Bruce (2007)

So what is a “bad” movie? Another low budget film from recent years that you can find getting utterly beat down in online reviews is Bruce Campbell’s film “My Name Is…” I read somewhere “Without Bruce in the film, this would be complete shit” or something to that affect, which is kind of paradoxical thinking anyways, since there is no “this film” without Bruce. All the jokes are of the inside nature, and the film is basically a showcase for Bruce’s many theatrical talents. The plot is as simple as it can get, but that’s no problem at all.

Here Bruce is doing a self-parody, with a special emphasis on his ‘loserness’ and ‘dick-headedness’. Acting like a complete prick one minute to scrounging leftover hooch pints for any last drops the next. Not that desperate alcoholism is anything to laugh about, but he did that shit so well that I couldn’t help it. When the incredibly violent god of bean curd (and war?), Guan-di is unleashed, Bruce is called upon by uber-fan goth boy Jeff to save the day. Of course, upon first encounter with the glowing eyed demon, Bruce proceeds to immediately shit his drawers and run off screaming while blindly squeezing triggers.

After all the hype and welcoming of the kidnapped Bruce to the small town of Goldfuck, his true colors are shown as a coward and selfish bastard. But will love and a surprising rising sense of morals help Bruce to realize what he’s meant to do? Things might just get a little sappy. With some bad jokes flying around and a lot of wackiness occurring, you can expect a little bit of the tofu con queso.

I dig Bruce Campbell. The dude is brilliant, and his sometimes (often-times?) over-dramatic acting is the stuff of legend. This film is a great showcasing of his abilities and is thoroughly enjoyable. It’s not really scary at all, and the musical interludes are a bit distracting and kind of suck… but everything else is all gravy. Especially in the case of Bruce’s love interest in the flick, Grace Thorsen, as the incredibly busty and always jiggling Kelly. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of her.

Some say that “If you’re not a fan of Bruce Campbell, then you won’t like this movie.” To which I say, “Dude, everybody is a fan of Bruce Campbell.” So quit hatin’ and start masturbatin’…