Alucarda (1978)

Alucarda, la hija de las tinieblas, an absolutely fascinating and erotic film by Juan López Moctezuma. It is to this day my very Favorite film of all time. What can I say? I'm a damn suckerfucker for romantic vampire stories. So let's get this sparkling Halloween party started!:



I feel as if somebody has been watching me sleep!

The torrid story of desire and an emotionally eruptive friendship between two fifteen year old girls in a convent is intensified not only by the true love expressed between the two, but also by a mystical mindscape and series of spiraling events which lead the two down a destructive path.



My parents are dead. Mine too. Lesbi friends?

A path mind you, which is worth every second of agony if you are lucky enough to experience what these two had. Alucarda's uncontrollable ambition and Justine's somewhat reluctiveness to accept and delve into what she doesn't know, yet desires, takes their relationship as well as the film to heavy extremes. Satanism and death included. ;)

But death is something Alucarda is more than willing to accept since her lustful ambition will not be subdued, and as proven when you see Justine rise nude from a blood filled coffin, it becomes clear that their love transcends death. These moments of insanity as well as the pain of love expressed emotionally and very apparently, are made that much stronger by the more gentle scenes.

When Alucarda speaks to Justine about secrets and holds two small insects in her hand, or when the two frolic about the fields; There's an aura of innocence, yet as it would come to be, curiosity holds profound answers. When Alucarda stares into the double edged knife blade you can see by the look in her eyes that she is fueled by an unholy passion. Being very passionate, and not to mention evil, she clings heavily to her lovely Justine. But whether or not she's a predator is left for the viewer to decide.

The daughter of Lucy Westenra and Lord Dracula, Alucarda comes from a unrelentingly passionate and quite romantic bloodline. Such as in the case of her father, with her dark nature and morbid state of being, she can easily be seen as a villain who's deeds corrupt the innocent. Though these things are initially shadowed by her mother's passed down beauty and charm, she much like her father becomes the target of suspicious thoughts. Being both young and extremely rebellious, while in a convent run by a maniacal tyrant along with his horde of mummified nuns, her quest for happiness through true love is doomed from the start!

This knife... it sparkles!

Oh fuck! She's corrupted!

Do you believe in love? Do you believe in destiny? True love may come, only once in a thousand lifetimes. I too have loved. They took her from me. I prayed for her soul. I prayed for her peace. I believe that Alucarda truly loves and loved Justine, and I do believe that she fell instantly in love with her. Despite knowing her for all of no seconds, and at first only admiring her from the corner of a room before approaching. She is true to her nature and follows the whims of her soul. I've been prone to fall madly in love with a beautiful woman that I've done nothing more than simply lay eyes upon. Not a crime, but a curse, and yet, a fundamentally beautiful one at that.

"I know what you are."  "Say it." ... "Satan Worshipper!"

Alucarda brought the doe eyed and soft faced Justine into her dark world of pain and loneliness, not against her will, but because they were kindred souls. Alucarda is more in tune with the environment of these things, so she knows this far before Justine would have ever imagined the thought. Justine, even though at times utterly terrified of the idea of undying love, still was in need of it. Alucarda did not trick Justine into loving her as the female burrito wrapped women of god believe! Nor did she intend to move on after Justine's final death by making a rainbow connection with El Doctor's blind and easily influential daughter. Alucarda simply falls in love too easily. There are far worse things awaiting man than death, come taste what I have seen!

For the sake of argument, there are always two sides to a story. Some believe that Dracula is a fiend who enters windows as mist and rapes innocent blond sluts. Others say that Dracula once had a true love whom he adored above all else and would suffer through the ravages of time to meet once again. To love once again. I say, what is true love? I have loved a few select amount of the long haired gothic girls in my time. Does loving one tremendously mean you cannot love another? I too believe in Lust, but I know what love is. In the case of Alucarda and the doctor's daughter, or Dracula and Lucy even, can lust become love?

 

These are the unanswered questions, since as we all know, circumstances beyond their control got in their way. Shortly after the blind daughter took a nasty spill down several flights of clay stairs unto skeletal remains, Alucarda's heart simply couldn't take losing another love while avenging the previous. And she died. Lucy was restrained against her will and beheaded, presumably after giving birth to Alucarda. And she died. Everyone that Dracula loves dies, but they die with love in their hearts. Evil fucking love. Is it any wonder they are tortured souls? I am the dragon of blood... the relentless Prince of Pain.

Carrie. Eat your period out!


I first knew Alucarda back in 1995 when I rented the film on VHS under the title of "Mark of the Devil Part 3". I actually rented it along with MotD Part 4 which is really Tombs of the Blind Dead. Tina Romero scrambled my brain when I was fifteen and just messed up all my shit. When I saw this she became the Goddess of my dreams and I never looked back. In every woman since then I have looked for a bit of her in all of them. Hard as it is when half of the young gothic Satan worshiping chicks are lesbians, I still got my fill of the darkness, and therefore I regret nothing!

For two really great Alucarda blog reviews check out:

Killer Kittens From Beyond The Grave

Reverend Phantom: Overfiend Of The Underworld 

I seriously cannot watch that Rev Phantom video without grinning from ear to ear. "A love for.... sssSATAN!? Check." Very good show. Also, check out this nicely done video of Alucarda set to the music of London After Midnight: Spider & The Fly.

Unhappy Halloween!!1

Feel that gentle chill in the air. After suffering through an overly humid and hot summer without a single breeze, I can finally step outside and feel cold and comfortable. Damn it feels nice. The day is dark and cloudy, the air is crisp and the vampires aren't sparkling. Since I didn't get a pumpkin this year (I've been slacking), I'll have to post one of my festive Halloween drawings: Toothy the Rotten Squash (2009)!

Toothy says: Hide yo cats and check yer candy. Now let's crack open a few cold ones and toast... to Nosferatu.

Female Vampire?

I was actually pretty pleased with how this one turned out (Female Vampire Skull, late 2009). Make that more than pleased. I don't like to toot my own horn but quite frankly I'd say it's badass! Especially for such a simple design. Like many of the pencil abortions from my mind, this one was just completely random. Sharp downturned cheekbones just suddenly sprang to mind, gave it sinister female eyebrows and vampire teeth for no other reason than I dig that shit.

Plus a diagonal scar running down the face for extra character. Bordered it off for framing. Meh. Co-worker of mine says he'd love to get it as a tat, but he's too chickenshit. Every time I see the fucker I ask him where his tattoo is... I've got none but I'm thinking I may just beat him to it if I ever go completely f'n nutz.

Heavy Fuckin' Metal maaannn...

In order to add another dimension to my crummy little blog, I've decided that I'll be continuously posting snapshots of my super lame artwork! I sketched this out the other day while watching Dexter, and shaded it in last night before passing out from severe shot damage. I call it, Childish Rocker Skull (2010)! Behold the insanity:

Immature Heavy Metal artwork dude! A Skull! Inverted Pentagram! Curse Words!!1 Muwhahaha...

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2009)

I've seen a lot of weird shit in my day, so I'm not going to be traumatized or anything by The Human Centipede. In fact I'd say that it was a quite delightful experience to finally view it, and on my birthday no less! I enjoyed it while eating Chinese food and drinking shots in the dark. THC has actually been a topic of "conversation" with a few of my co-workers for a couple months now. I brought it to their attention by playing it off as if they wouldn't want to know about it, which in turn got them more interested. Then I would go on with the whole synopsis of the film and that would be it. Pretty soon we were all obsessed, despite not even seeing the picture. Soon we were randomly quoting trailers at each other "Oh no, I've gotta shit. I'm so sorry!" Cue agonizing human centipede rising-up groan.

The Human Centipede sure as fuck gained infamy quickly. I've seen its success compared to the whirlwind of hype that surrounded Snakes On A Plane back in the day. While SOAP was all over the net, and though THC is as well, I've been seeing a bit more of THC on the tele. Strangely it seems, that THC has been acknowledged by even regular ol' 'Normies' as something to be seen. Perhaps due to some unfathomable form of curiosity, or that now in this internet age where anything gross is just a click away, nobody is truly normal anymore. Note that I've never considered anybody I've ever met as normal. As a matter of fact, the weirder you appear and/or are on the outside, the more comfortable you may make me feel. And I am one uncomfortable dude, mostly due to all the facades of people claiming to be "regular".

A couple years back Kevin Smith brought "ass to mouth" into a more general public eye with the constant verbal droppage in Clerks 2. Now I suppose The Human Centipede has brought the notion full force and permanently embedded it into the minds of the "general public". Due to the tremendous amount of widespread wonderment over the film, I'd say that the general perception of THC is that of comedic value rather than horrified traumament. The premise of a Mad Doctor sewing three people ass to mouth to make a pet human centipede cannot be pondered for too long a time without eventually bringing a giggle or a laugh. As a sick motherfucker, I'd say it's downright hilarious! Even Daniel Tosh from the tv show about the web show Tosh.0 did segments and follows it seemingly religiously. Click HERE for his twenty-five minute Spoiler monologue on the film.

Despite being hailed as utterly horrifying and gruesome, THC isn't actually all too graphic of a horror film. Maybe I'm desensitized but I thought there would be one or two shots equivalent to hardcore porn at some point during the merging of flesh. It's all shot reasonably tasteful (though the director claims this is a trick in order to blindside the viewers once the nasty, truly vomit inducing sequel hits). And while what's happening on screen is indeed horrific, it's not some suspenseful cat and mouse sewn ass to mouth game, but rather a creepy yet lightly humorous affair. Any comedic properties in the film seem purely unintentional since the director maintains a straightforward dark tone, but I can see past that shit. I know he was brimming with glee as he shot this film, laughing all the way.

There are a few squirm inducing moments despite being a film of little gore. When Lindsay chews through the straps and jumps out of the bed to run away, she forgets to take the needle out of her arm and it suddenly just rips open this long hole that gushes blood for the next twenty minutes. That scene alone has to be the most shocking, as it was both disgusting and surprising. Aside from that there weren't many 'holy shit' moments, unless of course you count the 'holy shit, I'm going to shit' scene. That part of the movie however doesn't send a shock down my spine, but rather fills my tummy with bouncing gumdrops of joy. The look in her eyes while he prays for forgiveness as he shits into her mouth is worth the price of admission alone. And I was laughing like a madman when I finally got to see it all go down... her throat that is.

Does THC live up to the hype? That's not always an easy thing to determine. I enjoyed it, and I guess that's all that matters to me. The Human Centipede is a very flawed film, but I don't think it really cares. It's competently shot visually and everything looks magnificent, though there are quite a few unexplained occurrences that defy logic. It maintains its fucked up and over the top tone throughout, but didn't seem to reach its full potential (I'm not sure it was meant to however). The girls are dumb as all hell (I suspect they say eachother's names so much for fear that they'll forget them), but they get shut up quickly enough so we're saved from their annoying voices. Every character at one point, and sometimes more than once, makes the worst possible decision they can. Is this done to make the film appear surreal and humorously astonish the viewer, or simply to just piss the overly anal people off? Some may nitpick these things, but stupid decisions by annoying bitches tripping over plotholes are what make these movies go round, so I just take em in stride.

What blasts The Human Centipede into outer space masterpiece land is Dieter Laser, who plays the Mad Doctor in the film. This fuckin' guy is the most magnetic, scary ass dude out there. He is the true shining star here and everything he does is freaky as all hell. He comes and stands in the doorway of his basement hospital room, turns on the light and looks at his three kidnapped victims with a smile like he's just been shot by cupid's arrow. After he finally gets his human centipede to rise up and they're all crying, he breaks down and joins them (though, his are tears of joy). There's a great deleted scene right after this where he gets up and starts dancing around the room, then suddenly just erupts into fist pumps of complete awesomeness. "Yeah baby! Who's the man now!? Whoooooo!!1" He nearly puts Nic Cage's "I'm Castor Troy" prison outburst in Face/Off to scene-chewery shame.

If you're a fan of really awful films, comedies that pose as horror, Junji Ito & David Cronenberg (and one to not harshly comparison judge), hitting up the ATM, and sewing, then I can safely suggest you see The Human Centipede. Whether its considered the "worst movie ever" or "refreshing", THC has one thing majorly going for it, and that's popularity. Everybody is talking about this, and just hearing what the movie is about, people are definitely curious to see the atrocity. The only demographic I don't really see coming to the table are tween girls, but I've got the final solution to that: Sparkling Human Centipedes! That watch you sleep! "I know what you are." "Say it!" "Human Centipede." "Then ask me the most basic question, what do we eat?!" You heard it here first.

Kadaj: The Incomplete One

Characters I adore, Vol 2: Kadaj. The main antagonist from the CGI Animated film Final Fantasy VII Advent Children.

In the beginning of FF7:AC the 'hero' Cloud is pursued by three mysterious silver-haired, black leather clad ruffians on motorcycles, who seemingly came from nowhere. Not much is immediately known about them, other than that they're searching for "mother" and they know that their "brother" has her hidden somewhere. Over the course of the film they ruthlessly taunt, battle and wage war on Cloud and his friends. As we come to find out, these three lads, Kadaj and his two "brothers" Yazoo and Loz,  are the Remnants of Sephiroth.

Each of the three are representations of Sephiroth's long gone being. Loz is the strongest and fastest, and holds a strong emotional connection to "mother" Jenova. Yazoo is unmerciful, yet cool and calm, and "aloof " in his demeanor. Kadaj, their leader, represents Sephiroth's anger, rage, and insanity. The three are guided by a force unbeknownst to them, though Kadaj seems to have realized sooner than the others just what they are set out to accomplish. He is incomplete, a vessel used in reuniting Sephiroth and Jenova, and that he knows this truth disheartens him greatly. Yet, he still goes about his 'mission.'

 

Though his age is unknown, Kadaj's youthful appearance and tantrum like outbursts make him seem like "a psychotic, unstoppable child". This was done purposefully by the creators of the story, and though he may lose his cool once in a while, he always calms down. Once he has calmed down however, that's the time to be afraid since he lets his powers loose and summons large monsters to wreak havoc on innocent townsfolk. He's also prone to summoning Shadow Creepers (wolf like smoke creatures) whenever it pleases him. Being a very skilled swordsman and thoroughly determined, he eventually takes on Cloud one on one and after absorbing some of "mother's" dripping head cells, becomes the true embodiment of Sephiroth.

So what do I like about Kadaj, aside from him being a pretty boy and a brat sometimes? Perhaps that he's a lost soul. Nothing is really his, and his destiny may not be his own. He's insecure, and feels overlooked by "mother" as she most surely loves only Sephiroth. He's tormented, flawed and yet still very cold and calculated in his efforts. He's got style and always delivers his words with a smirk or a sneer. He is utterly determined and will let absolutely nothing stand in his way. Despite being a "puppet" he is so strong, and he's never afraid, not even in the face of death. He's a charismatic badass, with a lot of inner turmoil.

Siren: The Demon Bird

Characters I adore: Siren (aka Silene, aka Sirene) The Demon Bird, from the extensive horror series Devilman, by Go Nagai.

She's Japanese, and white as a ghost. She's honorable, and yet, she'll hit you with dastardly tricks whenever she pleases. She's beautiful and topless, which is seriously distracting if she's trying to kill you. Oh, and if she's trying to kill you you're probably already dead, unless of course you're Devilman.

I don't know what it is about girls with wings, but I can't not lust for them. Purgatori, the "voluptuous, crimson-skinned, winged vampire goddess" from Chaos comics is no exception either, but that's one for a different post. Perhaps what instantly draws one to Silene is that her wings are attached to her head! It's brilliant beyond comprehension, and I would go as far as to say that she's flawlessly designed. Her image has been presented in many forms from Manga, Anime and artwork, to action figures, models and real life actresses (eh, and cosplayers too). I feel that her look was perfected in the second OVA of the Devilman Series (image above). Notice the striking blue eyes, cute little sharp teeth and yellow above her nose and brow to accentuate her long flowing wings. She's also got razor sharp talons, courtesy of her yellow bird hands and feet, some nifty head antenna that she can read minds with (or is that destroy minds with?) and some feathery ass padding.

While Silene is a ruthless demonic killer, she is also a victim afflicted by the sorrows of lost love. Awww! As the story goes (and this is the shortened version), Ryo Asuka brought his "good friend" Akira Fudo into the know when it comes to demons and possession. In order for them to keep man's natural enemy from destroying the earth, he needs Akira to become possessed by an incredibly strong demon and yet, maintain control of his own consciousness (shit never happens). Sounds like quite a task, but Akira is up for it and uses his unmeasurable love for girlfriend Miki Makimura to keep him grounded and in control. Blood is shed at a nightclub for a black magic ritual and it works; Akira is merged with Hell's god of war Amon and through his pure and innocent childlike heart, controls him and becomes Devilman. Only one little problem: Silene is Amon's bride from the demon world and now Akira has taken him away from her, so she is seriously fuckin' pissed off about that.

Cue Epic f'n battle! Silene tears Devilman to shreds, hitting him with everything she's got including damn near electrocuting him to death with her antennae. This fight must go on for at least twenty-five minutes and includes some noteworthy moments of dismemberment and impalement. Their super powers, such as teleportation, levitation, and extra sensory perception are displayed to make things a little more interesting. This particular fight is much more vicious than their previous, if you put bloodshed over mental torment I suppose. Back in the 70's the nudity, profanities and violence had to of course be toned down. In the early 90's however, their looks were upgraded as well as their attitudes and they displayed a wide array of emotions. I'd say that it's rare for an ultra-violent battle to stop for a few short moments as one demon confesses his love for another before committing suicide to benefit her. Despite the preceding chaos, this touching scene really works and I could feel for Kaimu and Silene as she let out that agonizing scream.

You can see the Beginning and Middle of the their battle on YouTube, as well as the Finale. In the 90's both Devilman OVAs were released in hard white clamshell boxes from a company called L.A. Hero. I got a hold of both of them way back then so I can tell you that the subtitles were very well done. However, those first two videos online have some annoyingly shitty subs that I've not seen before. They do no justice at all to the source material, and sadly the DVD from Manga Entertainment is dubbed. The only video I could find of the fight's ending is in Japanese with Spanish subs. I'm hoping some definitive version comes out on Bluray soon but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Silene has much of what I look for in a woman: She was born in the 70's, she's a bloodthirsty blonde bombshell, she's Japanese, she's not real, ect... and as currently as 2004 the character of Silene has been represented again in two different medias. One in a photo-manipulated artwork book from Screaming Mad George. A model calling herself "Persephone" posed in photos depicting her battle with Devilman. Also, a fashion model named Ai Tominaga played Silene in the not-too-well received live action Devilman film. Who would I like to see play her in an American film version? Perhaps Emily Browning.  It's been six years since Devilman and Silene got to see some action, get on it Hollywood!

Monster Cereal Mayhem!

It's true, Strange Kids Club and Eat the deaD just did it, and hell, there's even a whole blog itself dedicated to the stuff called simply MonsterCereal (update your site mofo!), but I just couldn't help myself. I had to get in the action. Where I grew up, finding a box of Count Chocula or Boo Berry was a very rare occurrence. On top of that, I never even seen a box of Frankenberry up close until about six years ago for the first time. I remember some thirteen years ago driving an hour to see a beautiful, gothy young lady. We had such splendid times, and in her town there was a supermarket that I had never heard of before. We must have been stoned (when were we not?) when the subject came up, but she told me that fateful day: There are monster cereals inside.

To the Boomobile! I bought three boxes of Chocula that day in my glazed, red eye state of glee. I visited her regularly over the next two years and wouldn't you know, I'd end up bringing back a box of Boo just about every weekend. Those were good times man. I was much, much more of a cereal eater back then than I am now. I never really got "the munchies", but when it came to cereal nothing smaller than a salad bowl and a third gallon of milk would do for the festivities. Went through a whole box of Rice Krispies Treats cereal in a day. I was fuckin' addicted to that stuff. But no matter how much I loved that, or Oh's, or Kix, nothing really compares to the feeling one gets when it's sugary Monsters.

I gotta say, I thought the artwork from last year was horrible. Man do I miss the classic designs featuring the full characters. It wasn't even too long ago that they changed it all up, and while I don't mind portraits, these just aren't cuttin' it. The previous designs were shoddy and looked like they were drawn by an eleven year old girl - no offense to the little twihards. This brand spankin' new box art isn't anything special either. It's at least somewhat stylish, a different and weirdly distorted take on the characters. I'm just not fond of the style, that's all. FrankenBerry doesn't look all too bad, but Chocula got robbed and poor Boo there quite simply got fuckin' massacred. He doesn't even look like himself, let alone a caricature. For shame!

The three major monster cereals are pretty constant now all year around these parts (and it's been a couple years since I checked but so was Quisp!), so I don't really blow a fat milky load whenever I see em in the stores. But I do get excited whenever there's new artwork done or a promotion. I was aghast when I saw what they did to my favorite character Boo Berry. Would it kill ya General Mills to give the guy a yellow hat and not seriously deform the shit out of his beautiful stoned face? Oh, and some mail in figures or decoder rings or other merchandise would be a nice little treat also. Maybe some new commercials or a cartoon series on the Hub? All we get this time around is the same comic on the back of each box and a whole grain guarantee. Lame.

I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bastard but perhaps I am. I don't want some weak comic or some online code where you redeem some useless computer bits. I want an in box prize aside from the tasty cereal. Fuck, even a trading card would suffice. Just throw something cool at the customer GM. It doesn't have to be something huge like a return of Fruit Brute or Yummy Mummy *hint nudge*, but it's f'n Halloween time man! Take advantage of this, and have some fun for Boo's sake. It's time for the monster cereal characters to rise up and get the recognition they deserve. Who's against me?