Stone Enjoy By IPA

Stone Enjoy By 12.21.12 IPA (2012)

Limited Rotating Release (3'rd Batch).

22 fl. oz. / $7.19 USD / 9.4% ABV

About: "Bottled On: 11.16.12 Enjoy By Date: 12.21.12 You have in your hands a devastatingly fresh double IPA. While freshness is a key component of many beers - especially big, citrusy, floral IPAs - we've taken it further, a lot further, in this IPA. You see, we specifically brewed it NOT to last. We've not only gone to extensive lengths to ensure that you're getting this beer in your hands within an extraordinarily short window, we made sure that the Enjoy By date isn't randomly etched in tiny text somewhere on the label, to be overlooked by all but the most attentive of retailers and consumers. Instead, we've sent a clear message with the name of the beer itself that there is no better time than right now to enjoy this IPA."

Thoughts: I'm reviewing this beer on 11/26/12. This IPA is ten days old. When I walked into the liquor store I didn't imagine that I'd even see this, as the last couple of special Stone releases I've seen with my own eyes, I'd had to drive an hour to find and by then it was far too late. This bottle wasn't even on the shelf. It was still in a box on the floor in front of all their other bombers. All I saw when I looked down was "JOY BY" and the Stone logo. My eyes opened up like Pixel Dan when he got Classics Mosquitor in the mail.

It let out a long hiss as I tore the cap off. Couldn't resist taking a sniff from the bottle and man does that smell fucking great! Poured it into my Stone glass and we've got a light one. This beer is super clear, light-golden yellow in hue and has one of the whitest heads you'll ever find atop a brew. The head is really sticking around too. It's been about five minutes since my pour and it's still pretty damn thick. This one has moderate carbonation.

The beautiful scent of hops is off the charts here. Abundant amounts of citrus: grapefruit and tangerine... and what's this? Pineapple too, oh, and a little bit of leafy pine. It's a bit lemony, very zesty, earthy, raw and really sweet. It just slowly climbs up inside your nostrils and you don't want to lower that glass away from your face. It's almost zombifying. Good shit. Hang on, I'm gonna let my chick smell it. She says it smells "stinky", and then she pointed to the washrag in the sink and said, "like that". She so crazy. Ha ha.

I got the weirdest sensation when I took my first big gulp of this... and that was that this beer tastes real. Like, really real real. It's got a nice toasty caramel backup that accompanies the extremely strong hops superbly, and it's really sweet. The beer is a little bitter, but with the soothing malt in the back, it stops just before it gets absurd. So let's just say it's balanced quite finely. It's really indulgent tasting too, and there's a gentle peppery tone throughout. But it's very mild. For the most part this whole beer just screams out tropical fruit! It's insanely fruity up front and after you swallow it down you get a slow, creeping crawl of leaves and pine that don't jump on you, but just make their way in almost unnoticed.

Mouth feel is damn smooth, and creamy too.  The aftertaste is great, light and doesn't fade for quite a while. I haven't gone off and tried too many Stone brews all that much, but this one really has that West Coast IPA vibe about it. Even more than the other brews from them I've ever had probably. Can't find any Pliny? You may have better luck finding this. Check their Website for the Stats! Looks like they care about their beer, doesn't it?

Stone Enjoy By 04.01.13 IPA (2013)

Limited Rotating Release (5'th Batch).

22 fl. oz. / $7.19 USD / 9.4% ABV

About: Purchased and Drank on 3/1/13! The info on their website and on all of the bottle of Enjoy By have remained the same throughout all five of the runs so far, so I'm assuming that all of these beers are meant to be the same? I'm not quite sure.

Second Thoughts: Nice hiss with a little smoke. Poured this one out pretty carefully but had expected more of a head. Got about a half finger sliver that lasted a full minute before dissolving down into a haze and a few bubbles. This beer is a dark yellow / light orange color and overall quite light in appearance. It's very clear with a little bit of carbonation rising up.

Tropical fruit up front. Real nice. Yep, this is nothing but tropical fruits all around. Tons of mango, mango rind, sweet orange, some grapefruit, juicy peaches ...a little bit of papaya and pineapple, and just a hint of pear. The hops aren't overly aggressive, they're not crawling up my nose infecting my brain the way I like, but this is one beautiful scent that's for sure. Some very gentle pine in the background.

Something I didn't get in the scent I was hit instantly with the flavor and that's a spicy peppery splash of resiny hops. Cool. The taste isn't as sweet as the smell lets on, and I'm totally fine with that, because it's not a bitter bomb either. It leans more towards the bitter side, mostly towards the end of the swallow but it starts off with a gentle sweetness and that sweetness comes slowly flowing back after breathing in a little bit so it ends up evening out rather well. Still, aside from the bitter and sweet there's that awesome oily and prickly peppery tone that mainly permeates throughout the brew. I may be mistaken, but this beer starts to taste even better once it warms up a bit. It's not really that warm yet but I had it ice cold when I pulled it out. Now that it's getting warmer all the flavors and sensations in this beer are blending together harmoniously and it is fantastic. Nothing goes over the edge here, but it taps into every area of itself in little spikes at a time. Great stuff.

It's got a very surprisingly gentle aftertaste that feels pretty good. The mouth feel is pretty dense. This beer may look light, but it doesn't feel light at all. The near 10% ABV is extremely well hidden as well.

Now I've gotta say that I did enjoy the 12.21.12 more than this batch. It had a fiercer scent and was better balanced for some reason. Though, like I said, I have no idea if this is always meant to be the same exact beer every time around or if little changes are made depending on what they've got and / or are doing. But this beer just hit the shelves, and I bought it on sight. And if I ever get the chance to get the next version, I'll do the same thing. Keep it up Stone.


Stone Enjoy By 05.17.13 IPA (2013)
Limited Rotating Release (7'th Batch).
22 fl. oz. / $7.19 USD / 9.4% ABV

About: Bottled on 4/12/13 (Sixteen Days Ago as of my writing this review).  I do believe every single new bottle I see of this beer is going to become an instant buy and review here on the Double Vision.

Third Thoughts: Poured a real misty yellow-orange, slightly amber color with a nice solid white fluffy head on top.

The scent on this is absolutely incredible. It's just bursting with ruby red grapefruit, just sliced and squeezed mere seconds ago, right up the motherfucking nostrils. This is incredibly fresh and oh, so strong! Getting a little passion fruit in there too. Tropical fruit dominates here, man, and it smells just like juice. 100% fruit juice scent, but it's f'n beer! Can you dig it sucka? Like a mix of tangerines and grapefruit. Really wild shit.

Sweet nectar of the ungods... this shit is unreal! A little syrupy sweetness to kick things off, some peppery spice midway through and a crisp hazy bitterness to ride it out - all of that with an immense depth of flavor all the way through from beginning to end. From scent to aftertaste this is one magnificently crafted brew. Delicious! This is the reason why IPAs exist. It's tingly and tickling, coating and embedding, satisfying and savory. This is one of those beers that just hits the taste buds with every kick-back. Liquid pleasure in a bottle. The bready malts are creamy tasting, real doughy and softly under cooked like... and the pine at the end of it all is gentle but quite lingering.

Tons of resin builds up and floods in around the end of it all, and it's thick and dank.

Look at that beer this time around and the two that I had before it. I noted with this bottle that it poured real misty looking. Well, the pictures don't lie (colors are sometimes off, but a dense haze compared to a see-through brew can't be attributed to flash or lighting). First time around I got a massive head and clarity, second time I got nearly no head and still very much clarity, and now the third time I've got a solid head with some density. Interesting. Who knows, maybe it was change in glassware. ;) I highly doubt that, but nonetheless the fact remains that this beer is utterly kickass by all means.

Stone Enjoy By 09.13.13 IPA (2013)
Limited Rotating Release (10'th Batch).
22 fl. oz. / $5.99 USD / 9.4% ABV

About: Bottled on 08/09/13 - Drank on 08/23/13. Bottle was refrigerated when I bought it which was a nice touch for once. Huh, looking at my reciept I was charged $5.99 for this one instead of $7.19 like the previous bottles. It's about time! Got this along with a four pack of SN 2013 Bigfoot all for $12.23. You really can't beat that deal.

Fourth Thoughts: Nice big frothy foamy head on the fucker. This time around the beer is clear orange again. My etched glass is kicking up some moderate carbonation bubbles and it's lookin' pretty bright.

Tropical fruit notes hit the nose first and then a rush of strong and pungent pine kicks in. There's a real syrupy smelling sweetness to this one, not really fruit juice sweet like before, but rather a dank, stank caramel sweetness. Tangy wet fruits splattered and doused over pine needles. Noticeable haze of alcohol lingers beneath.

Loads of hop bitterness on the tongue. Tons of pine. Mild syrupy sweetness. A haze of soapy grass.

Mouth feel is a tad watery and leaves crisp but coats the teeth and lingers in the taste. It's a bit drying.

I really wish this one had more of that stunning tropical fruit cocktail like the last bottle. I still really love this beer, but this one just isn't as intense as before. The flavors die down a little too quickly and all you're left with is intense bitterness on the back of the tongue. It could use a little bit more of a balance and a more brain tingling aroma. This version is just a little more brutal in the alcohol fumes department.

Stone Enjoy By 11.12.13 IPA (2013)
Limited Rotating Release (12'th Batch).
22 fl. oz. / $8.99 USD / 9.4% ABV

About: Bottled on 10/4/13. Drank on 10/13/13. Nice. Got this in the next state over. It was nine bucks, but it had just been bottled and I haven't seen it locally so I grabbed it.

Fifth Thoughts: Poured a very light orange color that looks a lot yellower than it usually does. Light slightly cream colored head on top that turned to slush. The beer is very clear with a moderate amount of carbonation rising up.

The scent on this one, incredible! Ultra tropical fruit blast to the fuckin' face! Tons of piney dank resin backing that up. A pure west coast DIPA through and through, it smells fierce and magnificent.

First big gulp and interestingly enough, it's not as bitter as the last time. In fact, it's actually pretty sweet. It starts off really sweet and just when the bitterness starts to flow in the boozy fumes hit and another super syrupy sweet spike slithers its way in. The taste is just like the smell, and that's totally awesome. Drinking this is like smoking that dank sticky crystallized red hair Cali bud and then choking back some pineapple juice. What a cool taste.

Mouth feel is pretty pure. The flavor stays long after it's gone but it's not sticky or coating at all. The beer just flows away clean and leaves a very nice aftertaste for a while. This one's got a nice balance, but seems a little on the sweeter side. Those who love Enjoy By but didn't dig the harsh bitterness of the last batch will no doubt love this one.

Oh what the fuck... I just went on Beer Advocate to check what batch # this one was and I scrolled down to the reviews only to see someone describing the taste of this as freezer burn popsicles. I do see where he's coming from. I get it a little bit here. But popsicles aren't supposed to taste like pine, grass or weed.

A look at No Shame's Luciano Ercoli Death Box Set

On February 28th 2006, No Shame Films (now defunct, see MYA Communications) released a Special 3-Disc Collector's Edition of two Luciano Ercoli directed films in what they called the Death Box Set. Included in this set are the two films: Death Walks on High Heels (1971), Death Walks at Midnight (1972) and a CD Collection of music from Stelvio Cipriani entitled The Sound of Love and Death (this collection features only music from his work on other films however). It's a pretty hefty 3-Disc here and it comes with slipcase that features slick, glossy embossed sections: the bright lettering, the blood, the rectangular photos on the back and a clear spiked glove on the front that you can only see when you hold the case a certain way in the light. It's pretty cool, and though the artwork on the slipcover is pretty minimal (with just outlines mostly), No Shame didn't exactly have the best track record for their artwork so I'll take it.

The inside of this set is very nice looking and the disc holders are tight and can be pushed (they fold) inward with a snap in the middle. This clear case has a really good design, and though there isn't much on the inside cover, it's just a cool arrangement.

A 16-Page booklet is included with Liner Notes and Bios from Chris D. (notably, The Pinky Violence Collection), as well as some poster art, a few stills from the films and a Soundtrack track listing. 

Lastly, two Postcards are included. It's nice that there is so much lobby card art here, but I would have rather preferred six to twelve full page postcards with some of the selected artwork instead of these two being so clumped together. It's still a nice touch though.

While not absolutely perfect, this is a really nice set and a great set from No Shame. I love it when soundtracks are included with DVDs, even if they're filled with nothing but music from the composer's other films and not the films in the set.

This set is now OOP, but originally had a MSRP of $34.95 USD. The discs are REGION 0 NTSC, UNCUT presentations with Anamorphic Widescreen in OAR (2.35:1), and feature Italian and English Mono tracks as well as English Subtitles.

Samuel Adams White Christmas

Samuel Adams White Christmas - Ale Brewed with Spices (2012)

Limited Release (Winter Seasonal? - New)

12 fl. oz. (x6) / $8.99USD / 5.8% ABV

About: "Using some of our favorite Christmas spices, including cinnamon, nutmeg, and orange peel, we brewed this hazy white ale with distinct fruity citrus notes and a warm spiciness. The blend of malts contributes a medium body with a subtle sweet note while the wheat provides a slight crisp character. The lingering spice notes leave you wanting more. Malts: Samuel Adams Two-Row Pale Malt Blend, Wheat, German Pils / Hops: Spalt Spalter Noble / Special Ingredients: Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Orange Peel / Yeast: Samuel Adams Ale Yeast."

Thoughts: Christmas Beers. You gotta love it. Or do you? White-mas poured a super-light yellow lemony-type color with a fluffy white head. This beer is ultra cloudy, with slight carbonation.

The scent is a very light citrus tone with all of those familiar spices from the Fat Jack and Merry Mischief. And though everything here is super light, it still smells delightful overall. It smells a little bit like oranges, and maybe a touch of kiwi, which is weird since lemon and grapefruit usually prevail. But here it smells a lot sweeter and of course, those spices help things out a bit.

The taste is decent enough. It's not fulfilling or exciting at all really. Hmm. It's like water with the spices. Imagine Fat Jack or Merry Mischief... only without the special stuff, the kick that makes those go above and beyond the usual stuff SA does. This is like a watered down-tasting version of those brews. It may be a lighter affair, but it's void of any unpleasant factors. It tastes like a Sam Adams brew, which I guess is consistent, but they don't really seem to ever venture into unknown territory. These guys play it way too safe, and this beer (along with many others) is proof of that.

Mouth is pretty thin. Not exactly what you would think of when you imagine a "Christmas" beer, but if you're going to session a sixer, I don't see why this wouldn't do. It does after all taste good. It's just that after trying their other seasonal offerings (which feature the same spices, and yet are far superior) this one just doesn't cut it. However, this is a damn fine White Ale for what it is. The spices don't overpower and actually fade along with the initial taste, but leave a remembrance of the brew on the tongue. Still, it's far too watery for its own good.

At least they put this out by itself in six and twelve packs. I'll take this any day over the other beers from their Winter Pack, aside from Fezzi, which should have gotten this treatment. Hey, there's that playing it safe again!

Shipyard Bourbon Barrel Aged Smashed Pumpkin

Shipyard Bourbon Barrel Aged Smashed Pumpkin (2012)

Limited Edition Release (Bottle # 02105)

25.4 fl. oz. / $13.99 USD / 11.4% ABV

About: "Shipyard Brewing Company has released the first in its new line of limited edition bourbon barrel aged ales. In October, 350 cases of Bourbon Barrel Aged Smashed Pumpkin will be released in select markets. This beer has been brewed and carefully cellar-aged in small batches for over 100 days in decanted bourbon barrels. This line of unique beers allows Shipyard’s brew house crew to blend their creativity and passion for beer to create these special, limited release brews. These 750 milliliter (1 pint 9.4 fluid ounce) bottles are all hand filled, corked, and individually labeled with the bottle number. Recommend serving temperature is 55 degrees Fahrenheit in brandy-style stemware. Malt: Pale, Whole Wheat, Munich / Hops: Willamette and Saphir / Yeast: Top-fermenting English."

Thoughts: Barrel Aged Smashed Pumpkin poured a dense, cloudy and hazy apricot puree color, and with a little bit of a violent pour on the second try, a slightly yellowish head foamed up then quickly disappeared. Carbonation is very low of course.

First scent is straight up bourbon. I let it sit for about two minutes and went for it again, and this time I'm bombarded with beautiful spices: Tons of vanilla and cinnamon, with a little bit of nutmeg lingering behind. It's really boozy and sweet at the same time. It's got a light malt base which is excellent because it really allows the other factors here to shine through.

This baby is sweet as hell! It's heavy on taste, the spices are plentiful, and yet, nothing is overly extreme. It falls back at a moderate pace after the swallow, but the taste doesn't fade quickly which is a relief. It's got a decent spice kick to it. It's boozy, buttery, robust, spiced and just has a very nice flow to it. It's a bit one note, but it's a damn good one note and I'd say that this one is a lot better than anything else they put out. Though I might prefer their regular Smashed Pumpkin to this, but I haven't tried it in a year so we'll see.

Mouth feel is not really watery, not really syrupy, thought it tastes a lot more like syrup, it feels more like water. It's somewhere in between. Foam is very light and leaves a bit of a residue on the inside of the mouth when it's all said and drank.

5 Things that Suck about Demons 2 (1986)

Demons 2 may not be as cool as I'm making it seem of late... at least, that's the word not going around. I keep hearing them say that the sequel is so inferior, that they fear a remake of the original will be done starring the cast of Twilight, or even worse, with Megan Fox!? Gasp! Me? Personally, I'd welcome that shit with arms wide open! I may not have a limit, but I know what bad stuff is. See below for a few examples:

1. The Demon Puppet!?

Yes, that is an actual screenshot from the film.

Don't get me wrong, it's entertaining as all hell, and funny too... but what the fuck man!? Hey, look, I like this little dude, OK? It's a shitty, winged mini-demon puppet on some super obvious strings. It jumps around, slowly peeks out from hiding spots, giggles in a high pitched tone, chases a super hot pregnant chick around her apartment and generally goes nuts. It's pretty funny when you think about it. After all, that's something that I would do. Besides, actress Nancy Brilli is so incredibly hot in this that it really helps get through the scene... at least for me.

But you know what? And you're probably going to notice a common theme here: This totally sucks compared to the original film! Everything in this movie pretty much just fucking pales in comparison to the first Demons. In the original, a Demon birthed itself out of that bitch's back (which is weird in itself), and it was pretty big (which is even weirder), but in this film the little kid turned Demon just lays down and wiggles around while making screeching sounds and then this stupid puppet pops out, making goofy faces and squealing.

The scene is actually really fun (though a bit drawn out) because of all of the horrid neon lights that these two have decorated their apartment with. It's like a bar, but not. It's very, very 80's and they go total psychedelic on the viewer while this little fucker rampages his way through her laundry baskets and fold-up bed. Eventually this little annoying fuck is stabbed to death with a black umbrella. As I hate continuous, high-pitched noises, his death was quite welcome. Yet, as I love Demonic creatures controlled on strings, I feel a sadness that he never got to infect anyone.

2. Jacob Driving.

Interrupting the Demon action in the first film with punks driving around was bad enough for some people out there, but at least those scenes were entertaining. (You got to see cocaine gently scraped off a girl's sweet titty with a razor blade!) The second film's version of these filler scenes however, are downright irritating.

These scenes of Jacob driving that keep interrupting the film are just BORING and that's the biggest crime of all  - especially in a horror film. In the original Demons film, you don't for a single second get bored with watching the punks in the car driving around and finally making their way to the theater. Coke is sniffed. Titties are cut with burning (snowing?) passion. And there's some really laugh out loud funny dialogue.

Date Rapist gonna Date Rape!

But here in Demons 2, nothing happens man! They just fucking crash the car and that's it. We watched this date rapist and his goons, plus one scared bitch, drive their way to a party they never got to, just to eat cake and terrorize, which they didn't get to, and all they did was crash... and not even DIE!? The fuck is that shit!

3. The Shmucktoberfest Scenes.

Listen, I like getting smashed and gobbling down bratwurst as much as the next guy, and... wait, that didn't sound right. Uhhh... Amidst all of the brutal Demonic violence in Demons 2, we're "treated" to inter-cut scenes of Sally's "parents" out about the town at some food festival where people are singing, dancing and eating bratwurst... all to the tune of beautiful brutalful accordions, and of course the clunky sounds of a drunkard's vomit hitting the cobblestone roadway. How lovely. In another lucky turn of events, we get a few more "parents in peril" scenes from the mother and father of that kid who likes answering the phone all the time. Unless it's them calling that is.

It's bad enough that we once again get pointless teen-driving scenes that distract from the action, but now we've gotta watch this shit!? Lamberto Bava and his lady are no actors that's for sure, but at least they got some decent dubbing. Yeah, almost as good as the rest in the film. To make matters even worse, the print source for all these out-and-about (2n'd Unit Director Nephew?) scenes are all tore to shit. The picture is bouncy as all hell, blurry, and just completely fucked. Let's spread it out throughout the last half. I can understand them leaving Sally alone for the night since it's her birthday, but the little dude's parents!? They just went out for a good time and said "let the fuckin' TV take care of him".

Their scenes while out on a "date" are completely pointless too. Don't worry though, they left the drunk ass bitch next door as a back-up checker-upper. What? Her Demon Dog ate her like taters, remember, so she ain't answering the phone neither. But enough about those Supersexy Swingin' Rubes! Sally's parents are so worried about their obviously suicidal daughter, that they eventually rush home (her father wasn't too fond of having to leave for the party just to "eat like a dog" and "drink beer" - wth?) and end up crashing in a near head-on collision with some young punks who's driver has "never had an accident." Or was that the parents of the little Demon kid? Ah fuck it, either way it's the same shit.

Relax Bitch! He's NEVER had an accident.
Don't you watch Twilight!?

Nothing is going to happen.

4. High Rise Buildings Aren't as cool as Theaters.

Face it. The cinema rocks... from independent Midnight Movie one screeners to the huge deluxe Multiplexes with two floors and escalators. There's just something about going there that brings back "warm" feelings and good memories. In the original film we're watching a movie where other people are at the movies watching a movie, which is pretty neat. In the sequel however, everyone is at home doing whatever they usually do (eating dinner with the family, getting sloshed with the doggy or boning your favorite prostitute) and they're watching some shitty program on television. Not as cool.

WOW! That's like... totally not boring or anything.

When all hell breaks loose in the Cinema, we've got things like projection booths, bloody isle seating and cool posters in the background. In the High Rise we get awesome scenes in elevator shafts, a weight room and some nifty shots up against some quadruple pane windows. Wow! To me, really there's no comparison, as the atmosphere of the theater in the first film totally beats out this boring ass apartment building. Also, there's all sorts of neon 80's headband shit going on with these oiled up buff dudes and toned chicks working out and it's pretty damn cheesy. In the original there's a prop in the cinema's lobby with a samurai on a dirt bike holding a silver mask from hell!

Sure, doors mysteriously lock, the windows are are bazooka-proof and when everything shuts down there's that familiar claustrophobic vibe to it all... but the aura of the Metropol isn't there. This building has no character. Look at it! It's just reflective windows shaped like a box. I understand a new setting was needed to keep this from becoming a straight-up remake, and they did get some cool shots of obvious dummies being dropped from high places, so I guess you could just consider this one me nitpicking. And what's with all the rock climbing gear in this? The guy in the TV had it and our hero's got some stuff as well.

5. I Liked Them Better before...

Hey, check it out guys!! That's the dude who was the badass pimp (with a heart of gold) in the first movie, and that other guy is the dude who was the junkie leader of the punks! He snorted cocaine out of a Coca-Cola can and the pimp dude was the shit man... he took switchblades to Demons and took control of the whole situation like a muthafuckin pro. But wait, where are his hoes? His pimp gear? Why's he wearing an orange tanktop and telling these sweaty buff dudes in a gym to "keep pumpin' baby... keep pumpin'!"? What the fuck? He should be yelling that at his bitches. And why in the hell is that coked-out madman a security guard in this building all of a sudden? Has he reformed? He just told those kids fucking around in the elevator to "Cut it out! This is a respectable building!!" That doesn't seem like something he would do. What's going on here?!

Yeah. It's great seeing these two guys back (and even the girl in the TV taking photos - she was Edith the slut in the tent in the original film within a film - talk about typecasting!), but it's not the same, man. I was rooting for these two crazy sum-bitches in the first movie, but here... here I'd just like to see one get his face clawed and the other get his balls ripped off by a Demon!

Hey, whattayaknow! ;) Looks like things worked out for everyone. But seriously, what a bitch ass way for the Pimp, er, Bodybuilding Instructor to go out. Still it is pretty cool that both of these dudes came back and did parts in the sequel though. Bobby Rhodes pretty much does exactly what he did the last time this shit went down and ended up pumping the people up (and not just physically) to stand and fight the Demons. Which is pretty badass (and you can see the thrill of it in his eyes when he unloads a shotgun in the chest of one of those fuckers), but death is inevitable.

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)
[Rated PG-13: for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity]

Breaking Dawn Part 2 starts off very quietly with Bella in a room looking at herself in a mirror. She looks fabulous! Edward slowly walks and they softly touch each other  hold hands and kiss. They tell one another "I love you", then Edward smiles and tells her "We're the same temperature now." Awww. Hey, you think she practiced with a Popsicle before they finally had sex? After staring at herself and her husband for a while, Bella remembers that she just had a baby. "Renesmee, where is she? I have to see her!" Edward says that Bella can't see her until she feeds, so they go out and do some vampire stuff. When they come back, Jacob is waiting (with a shirt on for once) and he slowly lets her sniff him to get acquainted with hopefully not wanting to eat him I suppose? Through a series of unspoken nods, Edward and Jacob decide it's safe for Bella to see her own child. And here we're introduced to the most beautiful, creepiest looking motion-capture CGI baby version of an eleven year old actress you'll ever witness in your entire life. 

At this time Bella is unaware that Jacob has imprinted on her newborn baby Renesmee, something which ultimately means that he'll be having sex with her for the rest of their lives by the time she's seven years old (which is supposedly 16-18 in Dhampir years?) Everyone else knows this however, (and through a series of unspoken nods) they try for about a minute to keep things quiet after Bella awakens from her deathly slumber. But treating her as a stupid little girl doesn't seem to work any longer as she's now got golden red eyes and no pulse. She wants to know why Jacob gives such a shit about her baby and nobody getting eaten in her newborn state, and why he's being so clingy not all of a sudden. So Edward and Jacob agree to tell her (through a series of unspoken nods) that he has indeed made an "uncontrollable" wolf-clan mind-meld with one-day-old Renesmee and that their souls will forever be forced together (something Jacob always wanted to do with first and only other love Bella but couldn't, since she is a "Shield").

Bella becomes understandably pissed off and beats the shit out of him for this, shouting things like "I haven't even held her in my arms and you've taken her from me!" and the utterly fantastic "YOU NICKNAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!?" upon hearing him refer to her as "Nesse". He's like, "Bella, It's not what it looks like! You've gotta understand, I know she's just a baby but we're getting married." Or some shit like that, and it's great, because it IS what it looks like. I can't believe they're trying to sugarcoat this... I mean, I'm sure they'll wait until the time is right. By this time Jacob is in Edward and Bella's lives forever, and no matter how pissed off Bella originally was about this, Jacob even starts living at the Cullen's house. Which is pretty fucking bizarre considering how everything started out. But by now with these films and how ridiculous they've become over time with the sequels, nothing like this should be a surprise by now. They're all one big fucked up, not-really-happy but gloomy and forlorn family.

So I guess the plot of the story is that vampire Irina (the immaculate Maggie Grace) witnesses the young girl Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) floating through the air collecting snowflakes for Bella and Jacob. She stares at them for a while in shock and disgust, before running off to Italy to tell the Volturi that the Cullens have created a vampire child - something strictly forbidden and a crime punishable by death! Of course, Renesmee is actually only half-vampire (which for whatever reason isn't that bad?), so the Cullen clan goes around the world searching for other vampires to be witnesses to this, in hopes that nobody will die. SPOILERS: Everyone dies! I guess in the books nothing really happens at the end... that's what I heard. The Volturi show up and it's all drama, they're all about to kill everyone, but are convinced not to because the girl is half human, and they all live happily ever after. The filmmakers here added a little bit of action to the finale here, and man, did it make for one hell of a cinematic experience!

If you're going to ever watch this film, the absolute best time to do so would be right now in the Cinema with tons of unsuspecting fangirls of all ages. Why? Because you're going to want to be there to experience the reactions when their beloved characters are crushed to death and gets their heads ripped off. When the time for the big standoff comes, shit gets really intense (the music stops) and Aro (Michael Sheen) does his best impression of Nicholas Cage in Face/Off after snorting all those drugs. This fuckin' guy is nuts, so anything can happen here. After discovering that Renesmee isn't a true vampire child, Irena takes responsibility for her mistake and wasting their time... to which they then rip off her arms and head and light her on fire. Boo-yah! When the Volturi grab hold of Alice, she tells them that nothing she shows them will change their decision to fight and kill. And just when it seems that she's done for, father of the Cullen clan Carlisle runs to her aid.

As he runs towards the Volturi mob, Aro charges towards him and they both collide in mid-air. Aro lands crouching in the snow and Carlisle falls to the ground. As Aro rises up slowly, we see that he's holding Carlisle's severed head in his hand. Every single chick in the theater let out a super loud Gasp when this happened, and it was awesome. Even I was shocked admittedly. Who the hell would have expected that? Esme (Elisabeth Reaser), Carlisle's wife, lets out a horrified scream. Then both parties run towards the other and the bloodshed ensues. There was a buzzing throughout the room when the battle finally began. The screen was chaos with some fodder getting offed first, then Jane (Dakota Fanning) gets sight of Jasper (Jackson Rathbone). Bella tries to project her shielding abilities to protect him, but is ambushed by Jane's brother Alec (Cameron Bright). Without Bella's protection and outnumbered, Jane applies her "PAIN" spell on him. Jasper falls to his knees and the Volturi guard Demetri karate-chops his head clean off! 

At this point with Alice's boyfriend dead, the crowd starts to fucking lose it. I could hear "OMG"s everywhere, girls started breaking down and crying, and one chick just kept repeating the phrase "What is happening?! Are you serious?! What is happening?!" Wolf brother and sister Seth and Leah got it next. Jane then hit Seth the "PAIN" and a Volturi guard crushed his neck in about thirty places, dropping his drooling doggy corpse to the ground. Leah sacrificed herself to save Esme from being dragged down to hell and fell (in super sad slow motion with emphasis on crying wolf eyes) down into a lava pit. Nobody could sit still, people were thrashing around in their seats and I was waiting for someone to faint, but then the tides turned on the Volturi. Edward ripped off one of the guards heads with a twirly wrestling move. The blonde snobby Volturi guy got his face ripped in half lengthwise by some hot blonde vamp chicks, leaving his chin and tongue tangling as he fell to the ground. The older Volturi gentleman was torn to shreds after quietly whispering to himself "Finally" and allowing it to happen.

Emmett drops Alec on his back and kicks him in the throat, knocking him three feet into the soil. He then  rips his body from his head, by the feet(!), much to the dismay of Jane. As Aro and Jane begin to notice that things aren't going so well anymore, Alice makes a mad dash for Jane while under the protection of Bella. Jane for the first time in the series feels the fear, makes a face that looks like she's pissing herself, and starts to run away. The crowd goes nuts, laughing out loud and clapping. Alice grabs her by the throat, Jane shits bricks, and then Alice feeds her head first to big, black wolf Sam. Sam tears her head clean off and tosses it aside and the whole crowd cheers. Some people even stand up and scream. This was by far the loudest reaction during the whole movie. Man, people must have hated that bitch. With the whole theater in pandemonium, Bella and Edward double teamed Aro. Edward kicked him in the nuts and Bella jumped on his back and twisted his head off like a bottle cap. The place was in hysterics, when suddenly, as Bella was just about to light Aro's head on fire and we're staring into his fearful eyes, the scene cuts back to Alice holding Aro's hand. The sinister reveal that mind-fucked everyone in the audience, and left everyone talking till the end credits was tremendous. "They made me cry, those bastards!"

Even though the scene occurred as she was (or just after she was) showing him a vision, it was of course shown to us differently than the rest have been so far, and it was done seamlessly. Of course, this was done to trick the audience into as many emotions as possible and it totally worked. Some have said that this is a big "FU" to the people, or that the filmmakers were intentionally fucking with the rabid fans by pulling their heartstrings but I say Whatev! That shit was hilarious! I'm begging for an extended cut where more of the main characters die. Some of them seemed a bit left out of this battle, which was the only downside to it since Emmett and Rosalie could have died too. Even though everyone really didn't die, there actually was one true death in this one. The vampire girl Irena, who stuck her nose where it didn't belong. I guess the moral of the story is that bitches shouldn't fuck around in other people's business. If she hadn't been snooping around and later ran her mouth, everything would have been fine and she'd still be alive. No matter how hot she is, this sort of thing shouldn't be tolerated in any way, shape or form.

So all in all my niece and I had a great time seeing this along with all of those sobbing, orgasming and heart attack having girls. It was a pretty diverse crowd actually, but everyone got swept up in the final act. A plus for the grown men in the audience, we got to see a lot of decapitations and well, that dude's face being ripped lengthwise in half was the scene that had me laughing for about a minute. There was also a very PG-13 sex scene towards the beginning, with a lot of close-ups of legs, and arms conveniently covering boobs. Acting and make-up are of course what to be expected with these Twilight films. No matter how sappy or juvenile the story may ultimately be, a majority of side characters got some ample time in these last five films to make at least an impact when they were killed off. There were also a lot of ultra close-ups, a lot of airbrushing in some scenes (specifically on Bella and Renesmee's faces) and there's the issue of the CGI on actress Mackenzie Foy to superimpose her face on an animatronic baby or later in a future vision, a teenager. It wasn't overly horrible, just very noticeable.

The Twilight "Saga" may be a series of films where very little actually happens, but I can appreciate it for what it really is... and that's stupid, stupid fun. It sends a horrible message to young women, it's completely ridiculous, and it's all based around an incredibly selfish, stuttering, blinking, suicidal girl played by the incredibly hot Kristen Stewart. People say that these movies "Ruined Vampires", but similar shit was said when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were cast in Interview, and look at that movie now. It's pretty badass. You just wait... in about twenty years we'll be looking back at the heyday when Sparkling Vampires like Edward weren't such pussies as compared to what they've got now. Now that it's all "over" now, what's there to look forward to? Next year a new movie based on another of Stephanie Myers' books is coming out, called The Host. Who's starring in it you ask? Saoirse Ronan, who I at the moment am completely obsessed with. Just like with Kristen Stewart, these fuckers keep finding a way to pull me into this chubby author's world. Till next time... keep on Sparklin'.

5 More Wacky Things about Demons 2 (1986)

Man, Demons 2 sure is one wacky flick I'll tell you what brotha. Most everyone says that it sucks, but you know, something about this movie just gives me a case of the giggles. Go ahead, just stare at that first screenshot down there for a while and then tell me you don't feel bubbly like champagne. Here's a few more weird moments from the film:

6. Demon Mugging!

It's pretty un-fuckin'-believable the amount of times Demons stare into the camera in this movie. I always thought that was weird. Rare even. But at the same time, it's so dumb that I can't help but laugh every single time it happens! This breaking of the fourth wall was most likely not done tongue in cheek, but rather for the creepy scare factor. And while the very first time it happens (when the Demon from the television program takes that evil glance towards you) is a bit chilling, the rest of the times it's just so overly cheezy! I don't know, maybe it's because they're Smiling!! Then there's the growling, snarling  jaw writhing, teeth licking, wide ass eyes, red contacts, and extreme close-ups. Sure, it's way overdone, but I don't think I'd have it any other way. Fondue me.

7. This fuckin' guy yellin' "Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!1"

As Sally begins to transform into a Demon after blowing out her candles, she can't contain the pain any longer and needs something to clench onto. That's where this unlucky son of a bitch comes in. He's standing there next to his good friend(?) Sally, having a grand old time, enjoying the festivities and smiling away like a dumbass... when suddenly, Sally grabs him by the forearm and begins to squeeze. Now believe me you when I tell us that the look on this fucking guy's face is absolutely priceless! Hey, speaking of blowing, clenching and squee

He then lets out one of the most unintentionally funny lines in the film when he tries to get the other people's attention with a desperate and horrified "HEEEE-EYYYY!" As claws emerge from underneath Sally's fingernails and pierce into his flesh, he contorts his face and screams over and over again. Much to the delight of the viewer. I'm sure everyone was eagerly awaiting the slaughter to come after seeing this guy and Sally's other dumbshit friends fucking around with the electronics in the elevator. What are they trying to do, get themselves stuck in there for three fuckin' days or something?! Oh wait... was that foreshadowing?

8. "I'm Scared Stiff of Elevators!"

So the film starts off with this mildly attractive blonde prostitute (and yeah, I'm sugarcoating that shit) entering a 'strange, mysterious and futuristic' high-rise building. How do we know that she's a prostitute? Well if you're in tune with that stuff and depending on what dub of the original Demons film you're watching, you can either "Tell 'em a mile away" or they're "fuckin' everywhere". Also, in her next scene she's disrobing and telling some suit n' tie schmuck loo-zah that they "can do it anyway [he] likes".

Wait, where was I? So the film starts off with this old broad with - hang on, let me search this one - a hairstyle that is referred to as "Bangs with a Bob" (think of Andrea Rau from Daughters of Darkness - except a lot less hot!) and she's about to ascend the elevator up to some middle-aged dude's room and get paid to suck and/or fuck him for three minutes. While waiting for the elevator (which is being tampered with and keeps going up and down single floors at random) a handsome bookworm nerd hero shows up aside her and waits as well. They exchange glances. In particular, she exchanges glances with his package (see above).

Five minutes later, after the deliverance of flesh, she exits the apartment and heads to the elevator once more to 'go down'. At the same time, the sensitive yet manly yet nerdy boyfriend sets out to obtain his hot pregnant wife some pickles and ice cream cake in the middle of the afternoon. Hey, it's possible. And the two of them meet up again at the elevator, and so quickly I might add! That's when the lady makes the rainbow connection:

Stupid Blonde Hooker: "Aaah, you finish too? Tee-hee."

Handsome Guy who Loves his Pregnant Wife: "Excuse me? 0_o"

Dumb Blonde Prostitute: "Heh. Nothing."

Does this lady think that anyone remotely good looking must sell their ass for cash? It gets annoying, amirite beautiful people? I love these short scenes between the two here, and for one simple fact: That this bitch cannot think outside of her own box! She's so caught up in the pussy delivery business that she doesn't even see real people anymore. Simple coincidences become whatever her lifestyle favors, in her own mind. Meaning, she's one stupid, lost and empty vessel, just waiting to be penetrated by demonic forces. Hey, she's used to it. Relax.

9. Get Sally Some Midol!

Sally is having one hell of a bad birthday. Despite having tons of people over and lots of yuppie dancing going on with that shit music in the background, she still can't seem to have a good time. I wonder why. I happen to think her hair and dress look cute, but I'm into that frumpy casual-goth look so don't take my word for it. She hates it all though. Her hair is a total mess, her fucking sleeves keep moving back and forth (what the fuck is that?), her shoes are ridiculously hideous and to top it all off, some idiot just invited the guy who date raped her six months ago to her birthday party!

Oh, and did I mention that she's having her period too?

The proof is in the puddi... picture. Huh. All of a sudden I'm in the mood for a Bloody Mary. Too bad I'm all out of spicy hot V8. And why did I just get an image of Paris Hilton in a bikini eating that juicy burger and drippin' that uh-sauce all over the place? So Sally menstruates, and blood drips though the building's lower floors like acid, infecting anyone who comes in contact with it. OK, I know blood was coming out of her from the forehead down, but I've got no reason not to believe that it didn't come from everywhere. Let me have my fun won't you!?

Sally and all of her stupid friends are a bunch of repugnant idiots anyways, those lame ass yuppy fucks, and I'm glad they're all Demons now. At least that's one step up from being a brainwashed zombie anyways. I'm just pissed that we didn't get to see her rip Jacob's balls off.

10. Demon Dog!

This furry little dog's transformation into a Hound From Hell is particularly gross, if only for the clear gooey slime as his new fangs and gums peel away from his original face skin. After the transformation is complete, the dog looks pretty silly, but when this shit is going down it is just some nasty stuff. Probably more disturbing than the new Demon Teeth that get pushed out of the humans, just for the fact that this dog's entire upper lip just peels back like that and ends up just over those glowing Demon eyes. This drunk broad watches on in sheer terror, most likely pissing herself, while she stands frozen and confused.

She notices that the dog lapped up some of Sally's vaginal excretions and in a weird (and very Demons 2-esque) fashion asks the dog: "You didn't like it... did you?!" What in the? Hey lady! Quit talking to your pets. Your demon pets. You drunk ass demon pet dog owner. Now feed your dog! Hey, stay tuned for more of the neverending tribute to Demons 2. Up next, a few of the many things that totally SUCK about the film. Be prepared.