November 20, 2012

5 Things that Suck about Demons 2 (1986)

Demons 2 may not be as cool as I'm making it seem of late... at least, that's the word not going around. I keep hearing them say that the sequel is so inferior, that they fear a remake of the original will be done starring the cast of Twilight, or even worse, with Megan Fox!? Gasp! Me? Personally, I'd welcome that shit with arms wide open! I may not have a limit, but I know what bad stuff is. See below for a few examples:

1. The Demon Puppet!?

Yes, that is an actual screenshot from the film.
Don't get me wrong, it's entertaining as all hell, and funny too... but what the fuck man!? Hey, look, I like this little dude, OK? It's a shitty, winged mini-demon puppet on some super obvious strings. It jumps around, slowly peeks out from hiding spots, giggles in a high pitched tone, chases a super hot pregnant chick around her apartment and generally goes nuts. It's pretty funny when you think about it. After all, that's something that I would do. Besides, actress Nancy Brilli is so incredibly hot in this that it really helps get through the scene... at least for me.

But you know what? And you're probably going to notice a common theme here: This totally sucks compared to the original film! Everything in this movie pretty much just fucking pales in comparison to the first Demons. In the original, a Demon birthed itself out of that bitch's back (which is weird in itself), and it was pretty big (which is even weirder), but in this film the little kid turned Demon just lays down and wiggles around while making screeching sounds and then this stupid puppet pops out, making goofy faces and squealing.

The scene is actually really fun (though a bit drawn out) because of all of the horrid neon lights that these two have decorated their apartment with. It's like a bar, but not. It's very, very 80's and they go total psychedelic on the viewer while this little fucker rampages his way through her laundry baskets and fold-up bed. Eventually this little annoying fuck is stabbed to death with a black umbrella. As I hate continuous, high-pitched noises, his death was quite welcome. Yet, as I love Demonic creatures controlled on strings, I feel a sadness that he never got to infect anyone.

2. Jacob Driving.

Interrupting the Demon action in the first film with punks driving around was bad enough for some people out there, but at least those scenes were entertaining. (You got to see cocaine gently scraped off a girl's sweet titty with a razor blade!) The second film's version of these filler scenes however, are downright irritating.

These scenes of Jacob driving that keep interrupting the film are just BORING and that's the biggest crime of all  - especially in a horror film. In the original Demons film, you don't for a single second get bored with watching the punks in the car driving around and finally making their way to the theater. Coke is sniffed. Titties are cut with burning (snowing?) passion. And there's some really laugh out loud funny dialogue.

Date Rapist gonna Date Rape!
But here in Demons 2, nothing happens man! They just fucking crash the car and that's it. We watched this date rapist and his goons, plus one scared bitch, drive their way to a party they never got to, just to eat cake and terrorize, which they didn't get to, and all they did was crash... and not even DIE!? The fuck is that shit!

3. The Shmucktoberfest Scenes.

Listen, I like getting smashed and gobbling down bratwurst as much as the next guy, and... wait, that didn't sound right. Uhhh... Amidst all of the brutal Demonic violence in Demons 2, we're "treated" to inter-cut scenes of Sally's "parents" out about the town at some food festival where people are singing, dancing and eating bratwurst... all to the tune of beautiful brutalful accordions, and of course the clunky sounds of a drunkard's vomit hitting the cobblestone roadway. How lovely. In another lucky turn of events, we get a few more "parents in peril" scenes from the mother and father of that kid who likes answering the phone all the time. Unless it's them calling that is.

It's bad enough that we once again get pointless teen-driving scenes that distract from the action, but now we've gotta watch this shit!? Lamberto Bava and his lady are no actors that's for sure, but at least they got some decent dubbing. Yeah, almost as good as the rest in the film. To make matters even worse, the print source for all these out-and-about (2n'd Unit Director Nephew?) scenes are all tore to shit. The picture is bouncy as all hell, blurry, and just completely fucked. Let's spread it out throughout the last half. I can understand them leaving Sally alone for the night since it's her birthday, but the little dude's parents!? They just went out for a good time and said "let the fuckin' TV take care of him".

Their scenes while out on a "date" are completely pointless too. Don't worry though, they left the drunk ass bitch next door as a back-up checker-upper. What? Her Demon Dog ate her like taters, remember, so she ain't answering the phone neither. But enough about those Supersexy Swingin' Rubes! Sally's parents are so worried about their obviously suicidal daughter, that they eventually rush home (her father wasn't too fond of having to leave for the party just to "eat like a dog" and "drink beer" - wth?) and end up crashing in a near head-on collision with some young punks who's driver has "never had an accident." Or was that the parents of the little Demon kid? Ah fuck it, either way it's the same shit.

Relax Bitch! He's NEVER had an accident.
Don't you watch Twilight!?

Nothing is going to happen.
4. High Rise Buildings Aren't as cool as Theaters.

Face it. The cinema rocks... from independent Midnight Movie one screeners to the huge deluxe Multiplexes with two floors and escalators. There's just something about going there that brings back "warm" feelings and good memories. In the original film we're watching a movie where other people are at the movies watching a movie, which is pretty neat. In the sequel however, everyone is at home doing whatever they usually do (eating dinner with the family, getting sloshed with the doggy or boning your favorite prostitute) and they're watching some shitty program on television. Not as cool.

WOW! That's like... totally not boring or anything.
When all hell breaks loose in the Cinema, we've got things like projection booths, bloody isle seating and cool posters in the background. In the High Rise we get awesome scenes in elevator shafts, a weight room and some nifty shots up against some quadruple pane windows. Wow! To me, really there's no comparison, as the atmosphere of the theater in the first film totally beats out this boring ass apartment building. Also, there's all sorts of neon 80's headband shit going on with these oiled up buff dudes and toned chicks working out and it's pretty damn cheesy. In the original there's a prop in the cinema's lobby with a samurai on a dirt bike holding a silver mask from hell!

Sure, doors mysteriously lock, the windows are are bazooka-proof and when everything shuts down there's that familiar claustrophobic vibe to it all... but the aura of the Metropol isn't there. This building has no character. Look at it! It's just reflective windows shaped like a box. I understand a new setting was needed to keep this from becoming a straight-up remake, and they did get some cool shots of obvious dummies being dropped from high places, so I guess you could just consider this one me nitpicking. And what's with all the rock climbing gear in this? The guy in the TV had it and our hero's got some stuff as well.

5. I Liked Them Better before...

Hey, check it out guys!! That's the dude who was the badass pimp (with a heart of gold) in the first movie, and that other guy is the dude who was the junkie leader of the punks! He snorted cocaine out of a Coca-Cola can and the pimp dude was the shit man... he took switchblades to Demons and took control of the whole situation like a muthafuckin pro. But wait, where are his hoes? His pimp gear? Why's he wearing an orange tanktop and telling these sweaty buff dudes in a gym to "keep pumpin' baby... keep pumpin'!"? What the fuck? He should be yelling that at his bitches. And why in the hell is that coked-out madman a security guard in this building all of a sudden? Has he reformed? He just told those kids fucking around in the elevator to "Cut it out! This is a respectable building!!" That doesn't seem like something he would do. What's going on here?!

Yeah. It's great seeing these two guys back (and even the girl in the TV taking photos - she was Edith the slut in the tent in the original film within a film - talk about typecasting!), but it's not the same, man. I was rooting for these two crazy sum-bitches in the first movie, but here... here I'd just like to see one get his face clawed and the other get his balls ripped off by a Demon!

Hey, whattayaknow! ;) Looks like things worked out for everyone. But seriously, what a bitch ass way for the Pimp, er, Bodybuilding Instructor to go out. Still it is pretty cool that both of these dudes came back and did parts in the sequel though. Bobby Rhodes pretty much does exactly what he did the last time this shit went down and ended up pumping the people up (and not just physically) to stand and fight the Demons. Which is pretty badass (and you can see the thrill of it in his eyes when he unloads a shotgun in the chest of one of those fuckers), but death is inevitable.

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