Lagunitas SUCKS and A Little Sumpin' Sumpin' Ale

Lagunitas SUCKS - Brown Sugga' Substitute Ale (2013)

Winter Seasonal (Dec/Jan)

6 Pack (72 fl. oz.) / $10.99 USD / 7.85% ABV

About: "AKA Holiday Ale. This beer was originally brewed in 2011 as a Brown Shugga’ substitute, due to construction-induced capacity issues in our facility. However, we liked it so much it had to make a return trip. Net contents: Ounces and ounces of Malt, Hops, Yeast and water."

Thoughts: SUCKS poured a golden light orange with quite a bit of yellow in there. The head was huge to build but eventually popped down to a sliver that coated the top of the brew evenly. Lots of lacing as is usual with Lagunitas stuff. The beer is clear and clean looking.

This is by far one of the best smelling beers I've ever had the pleasure of holding up to my nose for an hour. It smells like tropical fruit juice candy!!! Absolutely amazing, and the scent is huge too. Nothing is hiding here. It's smells strong, and fresh, and just fucking glorious. Grapefruit and pineapple sexin' it up and oozing that love juice all over the damn place. The dank on it is so sweet that it's sticky and man, if this beer came in a smokable version... you know what I'm sayin'. ;)

Very nice balance on the taste. It's got a smooth as all hell light-malt base that's sweet and soothing while the hops bleed all over the tongue and engulf the mouth with their resiny presence. This beer is a complete blast of flavor from the moment it hits your lips and it just lasts forever, fading out ridiculously slow and never completely. Which is a great thing too, because you won't want this beer to end. It's got a peppered spiciness to it, it's bready, has the perfect amount of sweetness complimented by what could be overwhelming hop strength... but the hop strength is perfect. Just at the edge of being too much, the bitterness falls back at the exact right time and it's just beautiful. It's hazy, dank, and blissful to drink. This has to be one of the best beers I've ever had (good thing I got six and there's more at the stores), and I don't usually come out and say it but I'm giving SUCKS a near perfect beer score.

SUCKS is seriously drinkable, just as it is enjoyable to sip or take small gulps with. I could easily drink about twelve of these and it would be pure ecstasy. It's hard to think of a more accessible near-8% ABV brew from Cali that's easily obtainable and worthwhile. The question I'm asking myself right now is this: If SUCKS is so damn good, and it's a substitute ale for Brown Shugga', then how fucking good is that beer!? I've yet to drink it, so somebody let me know. NOTE: I think I read the other day that this beer has just gone full time. Congrats, SUCKS. Being a substitute sucks, and being a replacement ain't the greatest thing either, but getting a year round release without usurping another brew? That's some popularity.

Lagunitas A Little Sumpin' Sumpin' Ale (2013)

Brewed and Bottled by Lagunitas Brewing Company, in Petaluma, CA. USA.

(Un)limited Release (Year Round).

12 fl. oz. (x6) / $10.99 USD / 7.5% ABV

About: "Brewed with 50% Wheat Malt and all the "C" hops. This special ale is something fairly new under the sun. It's got a lot of wheat, it's rich with hops, it finishes dry. We've watched with some amusement as the internet beer rating sites argue over how to classify it. You ever notice how everything has to be today's version of yesterday's whatever. Well, whatever. Sometimes we wonder what the world would be like if everything was perceived for what it is, and now what it reminds you of. The sun would rise everyday as if for the first time, you'd wake as if newly born, you'd see your lover next to you anew, the air would smell like flowers, work would be like the first day back in school, a beer would make your eyes roll back in your head in ecstasy... well, maybe not. Made with: Hops, malt, Hops, Hops, Yearst, Hops, Water, and Hops."

Thoughts: A little Sumpin' Sumpin' huh? Jason Voorhees would not approve! Drank the first four of these while watching Friday the 13'th Part 3 in 3-D with those shitty blue and red glasses that came with the DVD. Talk about a headache. It was pretty shoddy business, but at the beer made it a little better. Too bad I didn't find "an eyeball!!!1" in my beer though. 

Little Slutty Slutty poured a very light yellow with a soft shade of orange in there. Kinda like honey actually, with a one and a half finger white bubbly head and tons of carbonation. The beer is crystal (lake) clear.

Nice, crisp aroma. Getting pears in heavy syrup, and a lot of wheat in the background. The beer has a sweet almost cider-like undercurrent to it, but in the forefront and dominating the scent is just sweet, tropical hops. Pineapple, mango, soft apples, and a hint of zest and peels.

Strong flavor here. Tons of hops up front. A dry sweetness implodes, and an extremely gentle bitterness expands throughout the mouth. Pucker up and suck in some air and you'll get a slap of heavier bitter cold and yes, some noticeable alcohol strength. Hops and zest set off a tingling effect on the tongue, it's a little bit stinging, bubbly and bittersweet. But it's a really sweet bittersweet, like butterscotch candy, only an alcoholic version of it. There's a lot of lemony zest all over the back end of this one too. As it warms the flavors intensify and it gets really crisp, tart and sweet, but never rough or too strong.

Mouth feel, well, it kind of numbs the tongue which is weird. It's got a gentle watery texture but the heavy carbonation makes it tough to swallow. This is a solid brew, and probably the best Wheat Beer that I've ever had. For a Pale Ale it sure is hop forward and glorious. I don't like it as much as their "Sucks" brew, but I could still drown in this one. I'd like to try the variations they have on this one, particularly the Wild Ale version, as I'd probably like that one a bit more.

Tröegs Nugget Nectar

Tröegs Nugget Nectar - Imperial Amber Ale (2013)

Spring Seasonal. (February-March)

12 fl. oz. / $2.99 USD / 7.5% ABV

About: "Squeeze those hops for all they’re worth and prepare to pucker up! Nugget Nectar Ale will take hopheads to nirvana with a heady collection of Nugget, Warrior and Tomahawk hops. Starting with the same base ingredients of our flagship HopBack Amber Ale, Nugget Nectar intensifies the malt and hop flavors to create an explosive hop experience. Malts: Pilsner, Vienna, Munich / Hops: Nugget, Warrior, Tomahawk, Simcoe, Palisade / HopBack Hops: Nugget / Yeast: Ale."

Thoughts: I decided to go with my Jason Voorhees glass since that hand squeezing the hop looks a bit like Jason crushing some dumb slut's head.

Poured a bright orange with some reddish tones in the shadows and a white head that was relatively small but lasted for a moment or two. The beer is ultra clear and there's a bit of abundant carbonation slowly arising.

This smells really good. Fruity. Loads of hops. Tons of orange. Grapefruit, cut in half and dipped into a plate of sugar. Hint of kiwi. But mostly oranges and sweet oily hop presence. Just by smelling this I can see why it's so popular. I bet it's got a simple yet effective malt bill that perfectly compliments the hops used and allows them to shine through. This reminds me of the west coast. Wonder how it tastes.

Nicely done. The taste on this one is very damn good... not incredible, but it's actually almost there. I wonder why these guys would move from Cali to Hershey, PA of all places anyways. This beer has what some may consider to be a perfect balance. For me it could use just a little more strength, just a touch, but man... the long lasting sweetness that swirls around in the mouth at first that leads to the gentle bitterness just before the swallow and that raw kick in the tongue hits. Killer. Belch a few times just to experience the fun of what you just let inside you.

Double N leaves the slightest film inside the mouth, but it's quickly licked away. The after effect however is going to stick around for a long while. This taste doesn't fade. It may take a few hours. This is one slick brew. A little watery but damn flavorful. It's got a low level dank that just lasts throughout everything and that's the best thing about this one. If you like dank, and the smell, then you'll like this one because that special flavor just embeds itself in your senses.

Kate Beckinsale conjures The Baroness in Total Rekall (2012)

There wasn't really much that I could remember (or is that... Recall? *DrEvil*) concerning this unexciting 2012 Colin Farrell flick "Total Wackage". Well, aside from Kate Beckinsale being in it and looking totally smokin'-fuckin' hot! She took the sleek, sexy, sinister, sultry and sardonic babe role to the next level with her portrayal of a totally sleek, sexy, sinister, sultry and sardonic bitch with a sour-lime twist. Making me horny as a motherfuck in the process.

I found it particularly exciting how she got off with that gun pointed at her neck. 

She showed a bit of some cat-like reflexes...

...and then she got wet!

Taking it to the streets with some skin-tight hotness and some fucking drone robots (just for good measure I guess) was a smart move on the filmmaker's part. Myself? Well, I personally would have had her naked getting fucked by said robots. But I guess tight black clothing and/or leather is a nice choice for the PG-12 crowd.

I couldn't help but picture Sienna Miller as the Baroness while I watched Kate Beckinsale go all out and kick some ass with a fury in Total Rekall. There's just something about a slim and sexy brunette wearing tight black clothing and wielding heavy artillery that really turns me on.

Fact of the matter is this: Kate Beckinsale is a total babe, and whether or not she's trying to kill me in my dreams... I'm just glad she's there at all. ;)

Dogfish Head FORT

Dogfish Head Fort - Ale brewed with Pureed Raspberries (2009!)

Occasional Rarity (Limited Release)

25.4 fl. oz. / $16.99 USD / 18% ABV

About: "An ale brewed with a ridiculous amount of pureed raspberries (over a ton of 'em!). Fort has a Belgian-style base, then we follow a similar fermentation process to the one we use on our other super-high ABV beers, 120 Minute IPA and World Wide Stout. 

Fort is an excellent candidate for cellaring. Grab a few bottles, enjoy one now and lay the others down for a few years. Want to know when the Fort you find was bottled? Check the 'Bottled On' date on the neck of each bottle. Fort is also an excellent food beer. Our favorite pairings include anything chocolate or a nice piece of duck.

The Fort label art was designed by our rock-and-roll friend Tara McPherson. Tara also did the label art for our Chateau Jiahu and our 2012 Seasonal Prints and Uber-Tap Handle. Can you tell we kinda love her work?!"

Thoughts: I've been wanting to try this one for years. Something about that incredible artwork, the ridiculous price, the warning label on the cap... five or six bottles have been sitting in the liquor store down the street for a long time now, so I figured I'd make today that day. Three of the bottles were from 2011 and the two in the back were from 2009. So like a maniac I of course grabbed a 2009 one, since I too, like to live dangerously.

Fort poured a really hazy dirty orange color and featured an off white head that puffed up, before slowly dying down and never completely fading away. It's really murky. Some black flakes floating around the bottom, but I can only see it due to the light through that narrow bottom tip of the glass.

The smell actually reminds me of the other high gravity Dogfish head brews. I haven't exactly had a lot to compare these to so obviously they would I guess. The first whiff I got off the bottle wasn't exactly a pleasant one though. This is some harsh shit, right here. It smells a lot like wine. And not those pussy ass fruit wines either, I'm talking actual wine. Though it is fruity and has almost a little bit of a cider-like quality to it as well. The raspberries came through just moments later with a tremendous amount of alcohol. After a while they lay hidden until breathing in for a long period, then the sweetness starts to slowly emerge and build up heavily. But this doesn't smell sweet. It smells tart as fuck actually. The Belgian base is somewhat hard to get, but one you find it, it stays right there along with the blistering booze. 

The taste at first is way sweeter than the scent led on. It started with a huge blast of raspberry puree, followed by doughy warm bread that engulfed the mouth and then the slightest haze of booze which came in and fell back reasonably quick, leaving a very smooth and luxurious aftertaste. Nice. I didn't really know what to expect from the smell, but I was thinking it was going to be a lot harsher than it actually ended up being. Make no mistake, this is boozy as all hell... but I'll be damned, there's nothing off putting about it at all. It's a little bit spicy, a bit fiery (both in the mouth and belly), sweet and tart at the same time, robust and malty, succulent and savory, tangy and tickling. It's got a zing to it, and a light haze that rides through all the way. The brews got hints of golden raisins, tart cherry, half-cooked sugar rolls, plums, white grapes and tons of raspberry. Some truly mystifying shit this one is.

Mouth feel is smooth, slightly watery, tingling, extremely coating, long lasting, immense and satisfying.

Overall thoughts? Well, I can't say that I'm not satisfied. It could have been a shitload worse. Not only did I enjoy this brew thoroughly, but I'm feelin' real nice right now as I finish the bottle alone in this dark room of lamented anguish. I wouldn't go as far as to call this a great brew on its own, but for a Dogfish head rarity, its among the top, and that's despite being a fruit beer! Let's face the facts... who really likes fruit beers? Double IPAs that reek of tropical fruit juice, perhaps, but this is one fruit beer actually worth trying. Now where'd I stash my bottle of raspberry MD20/20 for that comparison review!?

Emilia Clarke takes a sizzling bath in Game of Thrones (2011)

When I first started watching Game of Thrones, this incredibly sultry hot blonde named Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) showed up and the first thought that entered my brain was "holy fuck... I hope she get naked!" C'mon, you know me. What else would you expect? With that forlorn, destitute look on her face I could only imagine the sensual tear-shedding leg-spreading bet-wetting sessions that were in store. Sadness, of course, is and has always been my favorite starting point. So needless to say, I was a little more than excited. 

It was that very moment when her brother walked into the "Virginal Bathing Room" and began to molest his dearest sister, much to my twisted delight! "Awww sheit" I said to myself, "...here we go!"  Yes indeed, there he is sizing her up but for some reason not enjoying it (he's obviously from the House of Flames, if you know what I mean - la-de-da!). He wants to pawn his 'dumb bitch of a sister' off to some neanderthal for his own personal gain of course, but that's all politics and I'm not here to discuss such matters.

No, I'm here to discuss titties!

That's right Daenerys... don't look so surprised. 

"My titties?" She asks while looking up at me with those sweet little titties...

"Yes." I reply to the cute little voice in my head as I walk away to masturbate alone.

Then this weird thing happens where she steps into this steaming hot bath that could easily peel the flesh off of any normal human, and she doesn't even blink. Since I don't know what's going on yet with the series at this point I just assume that she's just some fucking sadomasochistic, post-traumatic molesting-brother hypnotic-induced empty-soul pain-freak!!1? But *spoiler alert*, it turns out that she's just hot... under the collar! ;) If you know wh

Stay tuned next time for more Titties and Beer right here on Titties and Beer, the site that obsesses over titties while beer is consumed while titties are looked at while drinking beer is drunk. Will there be more to come from sweet little Emilia? You bet your sweet little huge beer covered titties and blonde wig there will be. Will I actually focus on my artistic craft instead of just taking snapshots of hot girl's titties? You just keep clicking that update in your reading list to find out! But if you don't see tits, blood or beer... then perhaps I've officially lost my brain. In that case you should call your nearest embalmer, embed the last pic I posted into my retinas 4 Flies style and rest my hands on my cock. Just in case.

Marion Cotillard goes for a swim in Rust and Bone (2012)

When Stéphanie (Marion Cotillard) got her legs bitten off by a Killer Whale (!!1), she never would have expected to find a soul-mate in fellow tortured soul (and previously disregarded piece of trash / knight in off-white satin) Alain (Matthias Schoenaerts). But I guess it goes to show. For a woman who used her immaculate beauty to fuck with, belittle and cock-tease guys at bars up until the point where they would straight-up punch her in the fucking face, this dude did nothing more than step up and protect her. It was his job at the time, granted. He wanted that sweet pussy, granted. He didn't get none, due to her living with her abusive boyfriend. Granted?

It was just another night and she was acting like another (pretend high-end) bitch as usual. But perhaps there was a bit more to this guy than just wanting to F to teh UCK! He's got problems. She's got problems. He noticed something wrong, gave her his number and left. She kept it, and I guess that's an admirable slut feature, but she never called him while she was out taunting the crowds with her succulent titties. Though I guess getting your legs bitten off by ORCA and having everyone around you just fuckin' disappear with the quickness afterwards makes a once-hot chick totally desperate. Thus the white knight got that fateful call, a couple months after our dashing lady had been bed-ridden and without feets.

But our man remained the man that he is, whether right or wrong or both, and stayed true to himself no matter the case. He didn't treat her like a cripple. When he saw her again, for the first time it seemed, he treated her just like he had treated her that fateful night... and actually, a bit worse (if you're sentimental). Which is understandable! She was being totally narcissistic and had to be tamed somehow. But our guy here isn't perfect, far from it, and he's not an egotist, no way. He's attracted to this chick and things are weird all around no matter what, so he's just going to do what he does best and that's let the person around him be comfortable. Stéphanie has a bit of trouble (no pun) stepping into her new skin, but that doesn't stop Alain from not giving a fuck after she refuses to go into the ocean with him for a swim.

He goes anyways, after delivering a "psshh" before he struts off. When he comes back, Stéph comes to her senses and decides to go in for a dip. Once she gets in the water our hero lets her free and she waddles around while he goes back on the sand to get some rest. This is just one of the instances where Alain doesn't let her new found handicap get in her way or stop her from doing what she should be. It's a very admirable trait from a (disputably) not so admirable human being, and it's delivered with raw honesty and a positive attitude. All despite them not really knowing each other... yet. Both of these lost souls however suspect, or come to the realization rather, that they know each other a lot more than they let on. As an added convenience, both of them are deeply flawed individuals and as it turns out, they balance one another out in a raw, grimy and sadly euphoric sort of way.

Not to say that she was the only desperate one... they both are, obviously. That's what "life" does to a person. Especially a person who doesn't know what path they're on, should be and/or never will, which is everybody. But let us not dwell. There's a moral to this story I think, and that's to roll with the punches... and uh, Killer Whale bites(?) ...and just live your mundane life to the fullest. I suppose forming bonds is a rather difficult thing. Were we as humans meant to select another, provide and protect? Or were we made to run rampant and fuck everything that moves (or lays still for a while)? Little bit of both? Since the dawn of time, man has tried to have everything.

Years ago, I was told the story of a man who went around the world stealing rare pussy. For each precious pussy gathered his legend grew stronger. Everyone from each of the villages and towns nearby searched far and wide (no pun) for that missing pussy, but couldn't find it. One day, a small boy was wandering along by the river and found several dead bodies of hot chicks. It turns out that our rapist was just going around thrashing grrrls up and laying waste to their corpses in the lake. This man had no intention of collecting PYT's and displaying them for his own ego. He simply did not give a fuck. The point of the story Dear Reader, is that some guys just want to watch their cocks burn. I really only posted these pics for wet t-shirt nipple pics. Hope you enjoyed the words though. ;)