Kadaj: The Incomplete One

Characters I adore, Vol 2: Kadaj. The main antagonist from the CGI Animated film Final Fantasy VII Advent Children.

In the beginning of FF7:AC the 'hero' Cloud is pursued by three mysterious silver-haired, black leather clad ruffians on motorcycles, who seemingly came from nowhere. Not much is immediately known about them, other than that they're searching for "mother" and they know that their "brother" has her hidden somewhere. Over the course of the film they ruthlessly taunt, battle and wage war on Cloud and his friends. As we come to find out, these three lads, Kadaj and his two "brothers" Yazoo and Loz,  are the Remnants of Sephiroth.

Each of the three are representations of Sephiroth's long gone being. Loz is the strongest and fastest, and holds a strong emotional connection to "mother" Jenova. Yazoo is unmerciful, yet cool and calm, and "aloof " in his demeanor. Kadaj, their leader, represents Sephiroth's anger, rage, and insanity. The three are guided by a force unbeknownst to them, though Kadaj seems to have realized sooner than the others just what they are set out to accomplish. He is incomplete, a vessel used in reuniting Sephiroth and Jenova, and that he knows this truth disheartens him greatly. Yet, he still goes about his 'mission.'

 

Though his age is unknown, Kadaj's youthful appearance and tantrum like outbursts make him seem like "a psychotic, unstoppable child". This was done purposefully by the creators of the story, and though he may lose his cool once in a while, he always calms down. Once he has calmed down however, that's the time to be afraid since he lets his powers loose and summons large monsters to wreak havoc on innocent townsfolk. He's also prone to summoning Shadow Creepers (wolf like smoke creatures) whenever it pleases him. Being a very skilled swordsman and thoroughly determined, he eventually takes on Cloud one on one and after absorbing some of "mother's" dripping head cells, becomes the true embodiment of Sephiroth.

So what do I like about Kadaj, aside from him being a pretty boy and a brat sometimes? Perhaps that he's a lost soul. Nothing is really his, and his destiny may not be his own. He's insecure, and feels overlooked by "mother" as she most surely loves only Sephiroth. He's tormented, flawed and yet still very cold and calculated in his efforts. He's got style and always delivers his words with a smirk or a sneer. He is utterly determined and will let absolutely nothing stand in his way. Despite being a "puppet" he is so strong, and he's never afraid, not even in the face of death. He's a charismatic badass, with a lot of inner turmoil.

Siren: The Demon Bird

Characters I adore: Siren (aka Silene, aka Sirene) The Demon Bird, from the extensive horror series Devilman, by Go Nagai.

She's Japanese, and white as a ghost. She's honorable, and yet, she'll hit you with dastardly tricks whenever she pleases. She's beautiful and topless, which is seriously distracting if she's trying to kill you. Oh, and if she's trying to kill you you're probably already dead, unless of course you're Devilman.

I don't know what it is about girls with wings, but I can't not lust for them. Purgatori, the "voluptuous, crimson-skinned, winged vampire goddess" from Chaos comics is no exception either, but that's one for a different post. Perhaps what instantly draws one to Silene is that her wings are attached to her head! It's brilliant beyond comprehension, and I would go as far as to say that she's flawlessly designed. Her image has been presented in many forms from Manga, Anime and artwork, to action figures, models and real life actresses (eh, and cosplayers too). I feel that her look was perfected in the second OVA of the Devilman Series (image above). Notice the striking blue eyes, cute little sharp teeth and yellow above her nose and brow to accentuate her long flowing wings. She's also got razor sharp talons, courtesy of her yellow bird hands and feet, some nifty head antenna that she can read minds with (or is that destroy minds with?) and some feathery ass padding.

While Silene is a ruthless demonic killer, she is also a victim afflicted by the sorrows of lost love. Awww! As the story goes (and this is the shortened version), Ryo Asuka brought his "good friend" Akira Fudo into the know when it comes to demons and possession. In order for them to keep man's natural enemy from destroying the earth, he needs Akira to become possessed by an incredibly strong demon and yet, maintain control of his own consciousness (shit never happens). Sounds like quite a task, but Akira is up for it and uses his unmeasurable love for girlfriend Miki Makimura to keep him grounded and in control. Blood is shed at a nightclub for a black magic ritual and it works; Akira is merged with Hell's god of war Amon and through his pure and innocent childlike heart, controls him and becomes Devilman. Only one little problem: Silene is Amon's bride from the demon world and now Akira has taken him away from her, so she is seriously fuckin' pissed off about that.

Cue Epic f'n battle! Silene tears Devilman to shreds, hitting him with everything she's got including damn near electrocuting him to death with her antennae. This fight must go on for at least twenty-five minutes and includes some noteworthy moments of dismemberment and impalement. Their super powers, such as teleportation, levitation, and extra sensory perception are displayed to make things a little more interesting. This particular fight is much more vicious than their previous, if you put bloodshed over mental torment I suppose. Back in the 70's the nudity, profanities and violence had to of course be toned down. In the early 90's however, their looks were upgraded as well as their attitudes and they displayed a wide array of emotions. I'd say that it's rare for an ultra-violent battle to stop for a few short moments as one demon confesses his love for another before committing suicide to benefit her. Despite the preceding chaos, this touching scene really works and I could feel for Kaimu and Silene as she let out that agonizing scream.

You can see the Beginning and Middle of the their battle on YouTube, as well as the Finale. In the 90's both Devilman OVAs were released in hard white clamshell boxes from a company called L.A. Hero. I got a hold of both of them way back then so I can tell you that the subtitles were very well done. However, those first two videos online have some annoyingly shitty subs that I've not seen before. They do no justice at all to the source material, and sadly the DVD from Manga Entertainment is dubbed. The only video I could find of the fight's ending is in Japanese with Spanish subs. I'm hoping some definitive version comes out on Bluray soon but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Silene has much of what I look for in a woman: She was born in the 70's, she's a bloodthirsty blonde bombshell, she's Japanese, she's not real, ect... and as currently as 2004 the character of Silene has been represented again in two different medias. One in a photo-manipulated artwork book from Screaming Mad George. A model calling herself "Persephone" posed in photos depicting her battle with Devilman. Also, a fashion model named Ai Tominaga played Silene in the not-too-well received live action Devilman film. Who would I like to see play her in an American film version? Perhaps Emily Browning.  It's been six years since Devilman and Silene got to see some action, get on it Hollywood!

Monster Cereal Mayhem!

It's true, Strange Kids Club and Eat the deaD just did it, and hell, there's even a whole blog itself dedicated to the stuff called simply MonsterCereal (update your site mofo!), but I just couldn't help myself. I had to get in the action. Where I grew up, finding a box of Count Chocula or Boo Berry was a very rare occurrence. On top of that, I never even seen a box of Frankenberry up close until about six years ago for the first time. I remember some thirteen years ago driving an hour to see a beautiful, gothy young lady. We had such splendid times, and in her town there was a supermarket that I had never heard of before. We must have been stoned (when were we not?) when the subject came up, but she told me that fateful day: There are monster cereals inside.

To the Boomobile! I bought three boxes of Chocula that day in my glazed, red eye state of glee. I visited her regularly over the next two years and wouldn't you know, I'd end up bringing back a box of Boo just about every weekend. Those were good times man. I was much, much more of a cereal eater back then than I am now. I never really got "the munchies", but when it came to cereal nothing smaller than a salad bowl and a third gallon of milk would do for the festivities. Went through a whole box of Rice Krispies Treats cereal in a day. I was fuckin' addicted to that stuff. But no matter how much I loved that, or Oh's, or Kix, nothing really compares to the feeling one gets when it's sugary Monsters.

I gotta say, I thought the artwork from last year was horrible. Man do I miss the classic designs featuring the full characters. It wasn't even too long ago that they changed it all up, and while I don't mind portraits, these just aren't cuttin' it. The previous designs were shoddy and looked like they were drawn by an eleven year old girl - no offense to the little twihards. This brand spankin' new box art isn't anything special either. It's at least somewhat stylish, a different and weirdly distorted take on the characters. I'm just not fond of the style, that's all. FrankenBerry doesn't look all too bad, but Chocula got robbed and poor Boo there quite simply got fuckin' massacred. He doesn't even look like himself, let alone a caricature. For shame!

The three major monster cereals are pretty constant now all year around these parts (and it's been a couple years since I checked but so was Quisp!), so I don't really blow a fat milky load whenever I see em in the stores. But I do get excited whenever there's new artwork done or a promotion. I was aghast when I saw what they did to my favorite character Boo Berry. Would it kill ya General Mills to give the guy a yellow hat and not seriously deform the shit out of his beautiful stoned face? Oh, and some mail in figures or decoder rings or other merchandise would be a nice little treat also. Maybe some new commercials or a cartoon series on the Hub? All we get this time around is the same comic on the back of each box and a whole grain guarantee. Lame.

I don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bastard but perhaps I am. I don't want some weak comic or some online code where you redeem some useless computer bits. I want an in box prize aside from the tasty cereal. Fuck, even a trading card would suffice. Just throw something cool at the customer GM. It doesn't have to be something huge like a return of Fruit Brute or Yummy Mummy *hint nudge*, but it's f'n Halloween time man! Take advantage of this, and have some fun for Boo's sake. It's time for the monster cereal characters to rise up and get the recognition they deserve. Who's against me?

A Few Good Collection Pictures.

I've always dreamed of sitting in my own home theater. People around me over the years of my life growing up, they told me of their many dreams, some big, some small. Everyone was always so into cars and dropping tabs or even smoking crack with their cats, and really I couldn't give a crap about cars. This was one of MY dreams and to some it may seem big, to others small; but to me it is a small dream that means something very big. See, I've learned to enjoy the little things, something I implore you all to do as well, but I did dare to dream a bit bigger. So after years and years of dreaming about something like this, I came across a Black Friday sale and went for the half-off deal on this soon to be discontinued tele: A Mitsubishi 60" Class 1080p 120Hz DLP HDTV WD-60C9. The upgrade was Unicron sized.

I still don't have any speakers, and the only negative reviews this TV got were those of Audio (it's not that horrible - but I learn to deal with things). Well, I guess I'll have to wait a while for the 9.1 HD speakers since I'm dead broke... but I didn't buy the thing for Audio. I've gotta adjust volumes sometimes between games, film, and television programs, but it's nothin'. A loud BOOM here and there. Can't fault the thing, it was made to go with a sound system (not its own) and I'd rather spend money on "other stuff".

The following pics are the from top to bottom, the left - then right sides, of four of my eight shelves on the contraption I built years ago. Only a few who view this blog have seen the whole thing since I posted older pics in the past on the now defunct DVDAF message boards. Not much has changed since I haven't been purchasing DVDs lately. That second Gialli Collection Boxset is probably the newest non-Blu purchase and that was ages ago. Still, I hope you enjoy the pics as much as I enjoy staring at the actual thing, for it really is a labor of love.

Meh, I guess I should get out more. Long as nobody knows!

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004) and Extinction (2007)

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

I want you to think about the original 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' movie for a moment. Released back in 1990, I was just ten years old when I got to see it at the cinema. I remember how awesome I thought it was, but I was young and didn't quite grasp the true reason behind this. Sure, turtles kickin' ass right, what's not awesome about that? As I watched this over the following years, I realized something about it: That it's fuckin' sad, man! The first film was so dark, so utterly depressive, grimy, and yet not to mention spot on perfect. I found a common bond with it as I grew older and became more depressed myself. It's got sort of a captivating aura about it, and that is how TMNT is done right. True to form, spirit and style, even the laughs to be had come off with a sense of closeness between the characters that you can really feel.

Fast-forward one long year later, and to quickly capitalize on the tremendous success of the first film, we're presented with 'TMNT2: The Secret of the Ooze'. That sour churning you feel in your stomach when I bring up this sequel is normal, so don't panic. They took a masterpiece of a film and followed it up with a slapstick frenzy of arseholeness previously unforeseen in such quick form. Sure, the sequel was aimed at a younger audience than the first, but it was dumb as all hell! The first film earned my respect with an honorable portrayal of sewer dwelling humanoid mutant turtles skilled in the ninja martial arts. The second film is as if they were all repeatedly hit over the heads with 2x4s and fed nothing but pizza topped with Crystal Meth. When you're young, it's quotable, but later on only about two or three of those puns are actually funny. I still laugh at the "You take the ugly one! No, you take the ugly one! I'll take the ugly one! Which one's the ugly one?" line, even though you can see it a mile away.

The sequel is IN YOUR FACE to the extreme and rocking mics like foot vandals, and while I can appreciate supreme extra cheese, I will not condone this type of thing. I wasn't aware of the fact that Jill Valentine was the most supremely badass chick on the planet with a supercool annoying attitude and take no prisoners retort. Her introduction in the film is a mix of laugh and sigh inducing, and while I know that she is actually rather badass and annoying, they amplified it to a ridiculous degree. Think Stallone in Cobra when he's first called in; totally bodacious scene. Now, smother it in stinky ass cheese and put it in a short skirt. Kind of a turn off, right? I like a strong female lead, and I guess since she's got to compete with Alice they had to up the ante or something so it's a wee bit understandable I suppose. Unless you take into account the introductions of the other characters as well. What's with the Carlos intro scene? Girl's already been bit, surrounded by twenty-two zombies on a rooftop and he decides to order the chopper back so he can f'n zip line into the chaos and waste time! That's a really nice and extremely dumb thing to do, bravo.

And I guess it should be considered flattering that this new director decided to take scenes straight from the game and film them in live action. Say what you will, it's better than putting actual video game footage into the film... but, it really doesn't make up for the lack of Anderson's visual expertise. Even though he wrote the 'script', I can only imagine if he had directed all four films. Meh, I'm sure it'll grow on me with repeat viewings. I just don't really appreciate the style they went with this time, nor some of the visual effects. For instance, when the zombies first appear it's done in blurry vision. And not even good blurry vision, choppy shitty looking bullshit. When we first get a glance of Nemesis, they try not to show too much by keeping it a side shot, but show way too much of the side shot in the process. And not that I enjoy nitpicking, but why in the fuck are all the soldiers wearing black motorcycle helmets? Where are their motorcycles? Probably in the Umbrella shop getting some sweet airbrushed Licker artwork done or some shit. That'd be sweet!

Things I liked, uhhh... well, I love graveyards and that graveyard scene was satisfying. There were topless zombie stripper chicks. When Alice ran down that building it looked pretty cool for the most part, you could see right through it, but it was a cool scene. Nemesis looked better than I thought he would, which is important to a film without depth. He may not have been shot properly at all times, but the make-up was done right. The Lickers were spectacular looking! I was slightly blown away when they came onscreen actually. They were completely CGI this time around but I think they nailed it. At least, in comparison to the real life actors who added the Canadian bacon to this big ol' slice of Hawaiian.

Would it kill these filmmakers to show a little subtlety though? It's not 1993 anymore.

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

And then the ninja turtles went back in time to Japan. I guess something different had to be done, like oh I don't know... say for instance, taking Resident Evil into the f'n Desert!? Yeah. I'm just glad all the fun characters from the last film are back: LJ the funny pimp, Carlos the Mummy Slayer, Jill the volcano on legs and, wait... oh right, Claire is in this one and Jill has mysteriously vanished yet nobody really mentions it that much. Oh well, Otto the bus driver to the stoner rescue! And what's this, well hello K-Mart you hot little slice of jail-bait clearance sushi. Me like K-Mart. Want to shop in isle of unmentionables. Speak over intercom devoted love for her. Claire is nice too, but I guess like all of the other introductions aside from Alice's, everyone get the small slice from the pie. Alice does however get slapped with the anchovies when they take scenes directly from the first film to start off her clone's actions. They couldn't even re-film that and make it at least a little bit different?

Like Apocalypse, Extinction features a bit of redundancy with footage from the previous film. It's a trend with these sequels though, so no point in focusing on it. There are after all, more important things to worry about. The Wesker character is not only squandered here, but the actor portraying him doesn't fit the bill at all. His scenes and vocal actions come off as lame and uninspired. He should have been more imposing, with a low toned yet menacing soundtrack, while calm and calculated looking. Here, he's just kind of there and I wasn't feeling it. I don't think anybody was feeling it, especially not the actor playing him. True, a character such as Wesker is indeed difficult to get right, which is why it took a mix of acting and computer generated graphics to make him come so alive in RE5. In Extinction he's not so much animated, and definitely could have done with an injection needle full of juice to get things heated up. He's really only at board meetings in this film via hologram, so there's not much to be expected, but a little more effort could have created a more interesting outcome. Even if it meant holographic flickering, however cheap that may be.

At least throw in a little more shitty CGI if you're going to fill the rest of the film with it. I can't imagine how they'd end up dropping the quality of CG from the first sequel with not much money spent on sets. They're in the desert most the time and yet the CG in this film is substantially worse than the previous. Why? Was all the money for Apocalypse spent on the substandard sets and that's why everything else was shit? Did all the money on Extinction go to rebuilding the mansion set from the first film only for them to re-use the footage from the first film? Hmm... with the seemingly large budget of both sequels, there seems to be a lot of issues on where to put the money. Really, that swirling fire in the sky taking out all of the infected crows looked like utter crap. And the final boss "Tyrant", while he got a good two film build up as a human, just plain dropped the rotten eggs when his CGI Costume mix hit the scene. Despite the work put into this third RE film, I find it to be all a bit lackluster.

Costume design and the aforementioned sets were all well done. The director this time around was a bit more faithful to the original settings. Camerawork and the look of many shots are professionally done, and the flow of the film doesn't reek of abruptness. In the extras they say that they didn't want "some kid that had done nothing but music videos" to direct this. This dude did some Highlander and Razorback, but pretty much all else is music videos so I don't know why they would say what they did. Sure, he's not a "kid" anymore, but their statements seem unwarranted and strange considering the amount of music video work he's done. At least the visual style was more in line with the first film, making the second now seem like some renegade disaster on wheels. Now that I think about it, after seeing this one I may just go back to the second and give that trashy darling another chance at redemption.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: What's with the random and senseless airbrushing on Milla's face, and ONLY her face in certain scenes? Not only is that distracting as fuck, but also a worthless act of violence against mine eyes. I read that this was done before the prints even hit the cinemas so don't worry about your copy at home, no matter what format. I don't know what they were "going for" or if they were going for anything when they did this, or maybe they're simply idiots, but the effect is garbage and those responsible should be punishingly stuck up the arse with the T-Virus.  

I've always been a supporter of all that is Milla. She is on every level talented and beautiful. This series, as it stands right now with limited fan appreciation and continued outrage over rape of the game title's stories and themes, would surely have been put to rest long ago without her. Things were done right here and there, but the peculiar thing about it all is, that even though it began all wrong, it seems that everything can be tied back together. Sure, there will be a malformed scar with ravaged tissue, but you know the thing about scars? They're sexy!

Look at my boooooots!

This is my first pair of Kodiaks (steel toe) and fourth pair of Docs (over fifteen years - first pair being a non-steel toe). Docs have always been my choice footwear, but I am always up for something new now and then again mate. I've tried a few other boots on, and all of them sucked severely... but when I got a hold of these Kodiaks in just the right size (guy 'discovered' the 10.5's out back, after telling me there was nothing but 8's and 12's), I fell instantly in goo! Wearing these Kodiak Boots is akin to walking around with marshmallow tanks on your feet. Heavy, and yet, you just want to stick your foot over a campfire and blow a fat gyroscope load all over the place. Maximum toe space, comfort, and if I had an option of Black they'd be the perfect shoe. I only wear black for the most part, but these boots are so damn sweet that I don't give a fuck!

Kodiaks.

"BLUE" 6-inch SteelToe Boot #314043

•   Premium waterproof leather with latex sealed seams
•   Anatomical off-center last, padded anatomical tongue
•   Removable ComfortZone™ 2-density PU insole
•   V-back padded collar
•   Triple layered back counter
•   Injected toe bumper
•   Exclusive claw design, Oil Resistant rubber outsole

Docs.

"Heritage" 6-Tie SteelToe Boot

•   Electrical Hazard Shock Absorbing
•   Slip Resistant, Water Resistant
•   Oiled & Snuffed full-grain Leather
•    Z welt-stitch &  Heat-Sealing Process
•   Aggressively Cleated PVC Sole
•   Wooden Shank for improved mid-foot rigidity

By the way, I've worn the K's twice so far... and the new Doc's, I haven't broken in. They're too pretty!

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) and Resident Evil (2002)

I had only seen bits and pieces of the Resident Evil films on television before I really got deep into the video game sequels, RE4 and RE5. I had played some of the original games when they first came out but never got around to owning any, up until RE4 a few years back. I'll be completely honest here and tell you that I was never a big fan of the gameplay method of the first games. Pressing up made you run downward, there was no real aim feature and the graphics of that time weren't up to snuff. Of course, what made the original video games stand out weren't the graphics, but rather the atmosphere and intensity of it all. There are strong and visually stimulating characters, very creepy and awesome monsters, and a diabolical villainous corporation with a cool logo and name. I bought Resident Evil 4 for my GameCube after doing some research. Many were complaining about the change in format, how now it's an over the shoulder shooter, and the complaints didn't stop there.

Resident Evil 4 didn't really feature traditional zombies, but rather a herd of Spanish townsfolk under a plague and  mind control; and for Resident Evil 5, pretty much of the same with different nationality. I cared not! And it's not really that big of a difference the way they handle these biological human monster hybrid weapons anyhow. Resident Evil 4 quickly became my favorite game, and once I got my PS3, Resident Evil 5 and my big ass high def television, 5 took over much of my spare time. RE4 will always have a place within me, as it is so utterly outlandish, unpredictable, frightening, time consuming and funny. But even though these two games took me on a RE thrill ride, I didn't really seem to take much notice in the films. That all changed the day I went to see the NoES remake, and the trailer for Afterlife 3-D played beforehand.

Resident Evil: Afterlife: 3-D (2010)

Consider me impressed! The past films have had bits and pieces of the video game series injected throughout (and unevenly), but Afterlife by far has more of my absolute favorite things about the series right here. I'll tell you straight out, they had me with the trailer. Filled with mindblowing shots from some of the best moments in the film, we catch glimpses of Uroboros, Wesker in his full badassness launching the sunglasses, The Executioner taking on the incredibly hot duo of Milla Jovovich and Ali Larter (drool!) in the prison showers, and Alice in full infultration matrix mode. I'm not really much of A Perfect Circle fan, but the song really fit the trailer and the whole presentation simply put, kicked ass. It got me excited, which is something of a difficult feat as of late. And though the 3-D gimmick has only been done right a few times in the past, my expectations were high with this one.

Like Paul W.S. Anderson's earlier RE scripts, he doesn't go about explaining much. Everything is laid out pretty simply, but leaves one wondering a whole lot when it's all said and done. Luckily this time around, he is back behind the camera in the director's position so no matter how it goes down, it's going to be a polished one. PWSA is the master of ultimate slow motion shots. Does he overuse them? Perhaps. But I'll be damned if that man doesn't know how to choose just the right shot and slow it down to perfection. The most notable example would have to be the finale during The Executioner battle, when Alice standing in front of Claire slowly raises that shotgun through the raining waters. It was perfect, everything about it. The fact that Wesker is the main villain (finally) this time around, use of SloMo is most certainly required. In the game Wesker has the ability to move so incredibly fast, that his scenes require the slower rate and Anderson certainly steps up his own game with his work here.

Afterlife's slow boiling introduction scene in Japan is breathtaking, where the camera takes its sweet ass time rising up from a beautiful young woman's heels to her hungry enraged eyes. She stands alone and still on the streets in the rain, while hundreds of Tokyo's finest pass her by, all with umbrellas held high. The hovering shot of her drenched hair, these haunting umbrellas and the menacing pounding music make it a most memorable opening credits sequence. Suddenly as one man passing by gets a long glance at her, she attacks(!), spreading yet again another outbreak unto the world. From here we're reintroduced to Albert Wesker, this time portrayed in an above average manner (His character and the actor playing him in Extinction couldn't have been more off. Uhg!). He's cool, cold and dressed for success this time around. When Alice and her clones silently slip into Umbrella's underground facility, we're given an all out heart pumping ninja massacre, and a small taste of the future Wesker/Alice battle to come.

These two introductory scenes are intense as fuck. So naturally things slow down a bit as Alice goes looking for her old friends, only to find Claire under Wesker's chest device's control. After beating the shit out of her and tying her up calming her down, she removes the device and takes her short term memory loss afflicted friend by plane to search for signs of life. She finds survivors on the rooftop of a prison (complete with the standard huge white 'HELP US' written for passing by aircrafts) and she, in an absurd and completely suicidal fashion, decides to land the plane on the roof (with not nearly enough space to do so). This place is completely surrounded by thousands of the zombified, and the probability that she'll be able to take off again with no runway is less than 5% so she just pretty much fucked herself. These people are your usual mixed array of zombie food and all get dealt with in one way or another. Despite being an abandoned prison, Claire's brother Chris was left in a special cell down in the lower depths of the place. When the survivors found him there they kept him locked up and fed, fearing that he may be super dangerous or some such shit. It takes a strangely long amount of time before he's let out, only to be shocked that his sister is right there with the others.

While playing Resident Evil 4 and 5 for the tremendously long periods of time that I have, I've become accustomed to Leon, Ashley, Chris, Sheva and Wesker. Shawn Roberts plays Wesker here, and I think he does a bang up job. The look is only slightly off, but so well done that it becomes less than noticeable. Wentworth Miller of 'Prison Break' fame plays Chris Redfield. At first I was a bit speculative and uncertain, but I guess as time goes by I can see him becoming more comfortable in the role. I don't see how he needed to be imprisoned for the story, like some sort of reference. It's all a bit strange but you gotta get over those kinds of things. With some tweaking his introduction, appearance and incorporation into the storyline could have been improved and I suppose that's really my only complaint. If you really want to get into it, I guess the same could be said about every single important character in these films, so what the hell. Moving on.

One character who was done justice is The Executioner. He came in at the most precise moment in the film, ominous, alone and dragging his axe. Approaching the prison, he delivers a strong and terrifying impact and during his battle scene he's fierce and seemingly unstoppable. His look is dead on, his actions are dead on and his assault on Alice, Claire and poor Split Kim Yong is what takes this film into badass status. Afterlife has the best use of the 3-D platform that I've ever seen apart from the My Bloody Valentine remake. So far these two are the tops and nothing else is coming close to sizing up, despite either being shot with 3-D cameras or not. Whoever and whatever teams worked on these two films, they knew what they were doing and just got it. Paul W.S. Anderson's style is suited for 3-D as well. It was truly a great mixing where everything just came together to look and sound as amazing as it could. The Soundtrack from tomandandy is pulsating and mind-bending, and gives each scene a amped up feeling.

When Alice discovers that the safe place she's been searching for this whole time is actually a huge cargo ship and not an island, she and the others make their way there. The zombie mayhem, escape scenes and amount of gunpowder n' quarters is utterly absurd. When the chaos finally hits things get rediculous and nearly approaches, yet somehow eludes, stinky cheese. Zombies with a new strain of virus, Uroboros in nature but not named aloud, pop up from all sorts of nowhere ready to devour. Yet in victorious fashion, Alice, Chris and Claire make it unto the ship only to find what they of course, should have known: It's a trap! Umbrella Corp's seemingly abandoned yet functional ship, familiar kidnapped victims organized in the computer system and their bodies stored in Stasis Chambers, medical supplies and weird looking corpses as subjects... and there, sitting alone with his split-head zombie dogs, enjoying it all, Albert Wesker! Black leather trenchcoat, glowing red eyes beneath the sunglasses, cool as all shit, and ready to play.

Resident Evil (2002)

Despite my immortal lust for Milla Jovovich, I ignored her leading role series of zombie films (WTF? I know!) on the assumption that it just plain sucks. I don't know if I did myself a favor by doing so. Would I had liked the films as much as I do now if I had seen them back then instead of all back to back this year starting with the latest? My toleration for films and hatred that they may produce has been changing in a unique fashion lately, much like the T-Virus running through an adaptive system. I'm far more apathetic than I used to be, and less likely to thrash. After RE: Afterlife 3-D kicked some serious ass, I felt it was about time to go out and buy the Blu-Rays of the first three films. I ended up getting the Wal-Mart Exclusive Steelbook Editions, even though they all have the same bonus disc in each one, my PS3 RE5 is the Steelbook boxset so they all match.

Milla Jovovich plays a mysterious woman named Ada Wong Alice, who awakens naked in the shower (hubba hubba!) not knowing who she is or why the fuck she's got an arsenal of weaponry in her panty drawer. Soon thereafter comes familiar and exciting fanboy thrilling camera shots that echo moments of the games. After some swift investigation, Alice is slowly walking through the pillars outside of the door, and then !Ravens Scare! She's pulled back inside the Mansion and so begins the tale of the extra characters ready to die. After getting high with the help of her newly rediscovered friends, Alice goes down the rabbit hole into the HIVE, unarmed and unknowing about the situation. Soon she discovers not only what has happened to all those poor souls down there, but also that she's got something special inside of her. That she's a totally hot super soldier in a short red nightgown that she calls a dress.

Some hardcore gamers were turned off by the first film since Alice wasn't a character from any of the video games. This is understandable. Back when this came out my tolerance for sci-fi was about next to nothin'! That on top of the fact that Michelle Rodriguez was spoutin' off one liners with a bulldog veil kinda turned me off. So I had seen the trailers and was interested for Milla, but heard that this film had nothing at all to do with the game, so I passed. Fast forward to now and after seeing the last film, the first film, watching the director's interviews and Documentaries in the extras, I've come to the conclusion that Anderson has done a worthwhile job. The games are great on their own for their own reasons. I don't need to see a shot by shot remake of Resident Evil 4 with Leon and Ashley. Would I like to see a film made from RE4? That would make me f'n cream cargo shorts, but it's not going to happen. The films are their own universe and that's splat. Though that's not to say that I don't have problems with the first RE film, sure I do.

I'm a BF of the story Alice In Wonderland. Big Fan to those wondering. Apparently so is the director of this film, Paul W.S. Anderson. (By the way were you aware that there are two directors named Paul Anderson and only "one of them is good"? - Well that's complete bullshit, this movie and RE: Afterlife prove that he's got some madskillz.) While I'm aware that the numerous references to Alice In Wonderland may serve as a mask, it totally works and there is no denying that. While these references are easily identified and obvious, they have no trouble blending in with the story that he wrote - A story which was written with enthusiasm and love for the series. People to this day, fuckin' hate on PWSA, saying he RUINED EVERYTHING! Alice may as well just walk onto the 1986 Transformers Movie, push Megatron out of the way and kill Optimus Prime herself! PWSA did something brave, something reckless, and made a franchise of movies out of video games involving something we all love, zombies. All this talk about him not "Staying Trv" should be completely disregarded once you watch the film for what it truly is: A secondary story-based vehicle, preceded by a visually stimulating, faithfully shot, and influenced film.

There had to be sacrifices I guess, and adding extra expendable black-clad gunners played by the various was the deal to be dealt. I would have preferred less characters, and so would many out there considering the extras here aren't even big game names. Counterpoint: At least the big name characters aren't being raped. Counter-Counterpoint: The big name characters will be raped further down the line! No matter, most sequels are going to suck anwyays, though it's rare that they'll get a fourth and fifth chance to redeem themselves. Bad CGI has certainly come a long way since 2002, and with the help of a bigger budget it certainly doesn't stick out so much in Afterlife. The first didn't rely too heavily on CG, but rather an array of practical effects with CG mixed in, and occasionally some horrid CG thrown in your face. The zombie with half his face missing for instance, while out loud laughable, is kind of charming in its own way. Also, when the Licker finally escapes from the sleep chamber it's a bit cartoony. I don't really mind the bad CG all that much, and it didn't distract me from the flow of the film in any way. 

A lot of this was helped out by PWSA's beautifully framed shots and vision, set directly to Marilyn Manson's and Marco Beltrami's unsettling and remarkable score. Slow panning and zoom shots set to these robotic hardcore alien electronic pulses were merged together brilliantly and really creep through your system. When the film takes its time and slows down, and these sounds have their chance to slowly emerge, is when everything achieves near perfection. Props also go to the stunt team with Milla, and the SFX team for their killer rendition of the Zombie Dogs and mutated final Licker boss. That was a lot of hard work that payed off and gave the film some of its more exciting moments. Paul W.S. Anderson really payed attention to the minor themes of the game, such as overhead shots and going through doorways. Sure, those little extra touches may not be enough to make up for the fact that he RUINED THE RESIDENT EVIL FRANCHISE FOREVER(!), but it was after all, a nice gesture to the fans. Not to mention that this series rocketed Milla Jovovich to superstardom, and for that, we should all be grateful.

...

Despite their obvious surface flaws, Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Afterlife are more than welcome additions to the RE franchise. The non-video game character of Alice give fans of the games something new to work with and be entertained by. There is a lot to be asked when it comes to fanboy mentality, demands are made and verdicts are for the most part unforgiving. What started off as a downhill slope of a series has been lifted with this latest film. There is a lot of room for improvement, but things certainly seem to be headed in the right directions. It was nice for the powers that be to let two relatively unknown and not so spectacular directors tackle the second and third films, but it just wasn't right (I'll be posting on Parts 2 and 3 next). If this next RE film is handled properly, it could possibly be the best one yet.

Mystery Team (2009)

Mystery Team (2009)

There were three major things that got me interested in seeing the film Mystery Team. For one, I like mysteries and two, young adults that still act as if they're seven years old is a pretty damn funny occurance if you ask me. The third, is that I had just seen a short film online from these guys DerrickComedy, about BRO RAPE. Now, I at the time really wasn't aware on what a "bro" was since I don't get out much, but I now know that they are indeed popped-collared douchebag magnets of rapeage. The video not only scarred me for life in a good way, but it also did so with delightful glee as it is indeed pure fucking hilarity. Here's how it goes down: Two guys abruptly enter a dorm room and one of them is, I believe to be, a bro. There is a fiesta to be had nearby very soon, and darker dude says to this particular bro that he should proceed to chug a bottle of scotch "before anyone sees it" and that this party is "going to rock". He then spits into his palm and violates the poor screaming lad up the arse.

What happens next is the basis for an Investigative Report on severe bro rapes that have been occurring, most of them involving a GameCube, Natty Ice, Axe Body Spray, and big black dildos (smothered in said Axe body spray). Luring potential bro-rapists in with an online moniker ChadBroChill69 and words like "Dude, let's just chill..." we're introduced to the fiends who prey on the young and presumed gay. Let the funny commence! I soon came to find out these are the same people who did the BLOWJOB GIRL video I had seen a couple years back. You know, the one where that really cute red-headed girl wipes her tounge off with a paper towel and says how dry she's going to make it and gnaw on it, as if that's a good thing (disclaimer: I don't mind). So I guess you could say after all that I was pretty pumped up to see Mystery Team.

So I looked up the trailer, found the coming soon date, checked around for the release and finally rented it at the ol' Redbox. I recall after first viewing the trailer online, I said to myself, "This looks like a stupid ass movie! But I can't take this shit no more... I gotta see it." It's about three young lads who form a mystery team and go around the town solving crimes like missing cats and who stole little Cindy Loo's diary, shit like that. Only fifteen years later, they're still sipping chocolate milk out of swirly straws and gee whizzing about town on their bicycles looking to solve the latest caper. It's not until a young girl's parents are murdered that they get their big break, and have to do some growing up.

Mystery Team is indeed a rather purposeful film. It's purposely childish, absurd and a little bit deadpan jokey, but there are some remarkable fits of greatness thrown in. I'm going to go ahead and "admit" now that I was drinking as I viewed this one, not that it's any different from any other post on the list. Mystery Team started off a bit slow, with a few corny jokes tossed about, but the more I drank, and the more the film progressed, it got way better than I thought it was going to be. I'm not saying that there was a direct correlation between the two things, but I know for a fact that alcohol was not the deciding factor in making this a fun film to watch.

I'm not saying watch it sober, no no no... far from it, I highly recommend you watch it while chugging shots and chasing 'em with ramen noodle broth. As a first time effort I can say that I'm proud of what these bro's have done. A couple of the jokes repeated once or twice early on, and it seemed strange, but it was all a setup that worked later when the third act kicked in. Like a roller coaster, the first half of the movie slowly builds up and the second half is just all free-fall non-stop flying out of your seat about to die awesomeness. I read about two or three very short negative "reviews" on Mystery Team and they all quit after the first ten minutes of watching. Those people can go ahead and lick vast amounts of ballage, because they obviously lost out on the deal.

No matter what I read, everybody seems to agree that Donald Glover is the f'n man. True to da dat! He be. I know it probably sucks when your comedy team of five or six are all good, talented individuals, but people mostly talk about DG. I think they're all awesome persons, but Glover is just fuckin' superb! Cast himself perfectly as the "master of disguise", and he really nailed it... still, nobody is anybody without the backup. So I hope DerrickComedy keep it up and get another one of these stupid as all hell films out. If it means I gotta see you three walking through the Gentleman's Club with severe hard-ons, reaching into shit and needle-filled toilets filled by prostitutes, or even being slapped in the back of the neck by juicy ice-cream sandwiches of love... then so be it.

Project Playlist... is it safe!?

So I was up at something like four in the morning yesterday, way before work starts since I can't sleep (you know how it is, right?), and I did what I usually do: Jerk off, and view all of my favorite blogs. Not at the same time mind you, but my mind does drift sometimes so who knows. I clicked on one of my all time favorites, Cory's Crappy Cinema and I hit the shower before the page loaded, but when I came back I'm hearing this strange fucking music. I stop, and say to myself, that I recognize this music. Not only do I recognize it, but I'm rather fond of this tune. Why? Because it's HORROR movie music! You slick bastard.

Consider me tuned in. I've uploaded the torture device below.

The Expendables (2010)

Dare I say that The Expendables is far too action-y for its 103 minute run time? That doesn't correctly convey what I'm intending to say. I'm not saying that any action should have been removed, far from it, after all this is an action film. But I feel that the film could have benefited from being fifteen to twenty minutes longer, giving more screen time for scenery chewing and character development. Quite a few scenes could have been about a minute or two longer, spread throughout to make it less noticeable and that perhaps could have been enough to make a some of the "all star cast" seem more than just cardboard cutout characters. Maybe that's all an illusion though, since the film is the dinner equivalent of eating a salad bowl full of loaded mashed potatoes. Yeah, it's good if you're drunk and stoned, but then again it'd be best to just ignore what just happened and enjoy the gluttonous behavior. Each character does at least get his moment to shine, but it all seemed a bit rushed like Stallone didn't want any of those scenes getting in the way of the action. I'm not asking for full back stories or anything like that, just an extra two minutes for the other characters, perhaps something introspective in nature. It was rather nice of the director however to get the full team together for the finale, not to say that I didn't mind the Stallone, Statham and (lesser so) Li show.

During the opening credits I noticed that there were two editors listed. I haven't checked, but by the looks of things there might have been more, even if it's simply Stallone himself. While there were a lot of very nicely framed shots, the editing seemed to be all over the place, especially when it came to shaky-cam hand-held scenes. I guess that's what the norm has become so there's nothing to do but deal with it. Then of course when they slow things down, there's Rourke's lingering blue-hued close up and the blurry after shots of Stallone's reaction... a strange decision, but I'm just nitpicking I suppose. The movie is definitely gritty looking, and not to mention seemingly more realistic compared to newer action films which is a plus (a lot less show off CG). A very nice throwback to the old school days where you didn't need super inventive obstacle-like near death experiences to wow the youth (think the nearly crushed by a spinning airborne car scene in Die Hard 4). Just a long shot of Terry Crews mowing down twenty or more South American soldiers with an Auto Assault-12 Gauge with a drum magazine full of explosive rounds! Check out the guns from the film HERE! Even the plane stunt with the machine guns and napalm death was straightforward, yet extravagant in a way. It wasn't over the top (no pun), but a rather exciting moment in itself despite the fist pump of awesomeness that occurred seconds later.

It was interesting to see what looked like actors seemingly ripped right out of other films to stop by this one. Kind of funny to see Rourke painting that guitar with the same intensity that Whiplash created his electrified armor, dirty locks, shiny teeth and all. Eric Roberts is pretty much the same dude from Dark Knight, and Stallone is still wearing that jungle eyeliner. Statham, Li, Stone Cold, and the rest of them basically play themselves. It was nice to see a few actors who had nothing on their plates getting back into the action. Shame that Van Damme didn't just say fuck it all and join the team for the new Rambo film... er, I mean... and don't you just love how would-be rapists always get the most gruesome and graphic deaths in Stallone's films? Sure, there were some other nasty deaths, but those two guys were served up somethin' special. It was definitely the best kill scene in the film. And the non-kill scene worthy of mention would have to be a line delivered by Bruce Willis to Arnie and Sly as they took not so subtle jabs at one another:  "You two aren't going to start sucking each other's dicks, are you?" That line alone is more badass than any explosion they could have come up with, and not to mention that it's funny as hell.

I've never really been a serious Action nut. I've seen all the essentials, and many of the lesser films (including new offerings) but have never really been a collector of the stuff. Honestly speaking, I'd rather go see something like Vicky Christina Barcelona than Rambo IV. Luckily for me in regards of The Expendables, I didn't go in with any sort of expectations. It was cool to see them all get together, no matter how brief or wink nudge it got. With a little more time given to the script, and a bit more running time it could have been a slightly better film. I'm not saying go Christopher Nolan style or anything, but hopefully the extended version will give a deeper presentation. I'd like to see a scene of the guys sitting around a table in the tattoo shop with a pizza in the middle of them, where Stallone in his sunglasses takes a slice and cuts the tip off of it before taking a bite. That would have been classic. And weird. But after it's all said and done, you can always count on Stallone to bring a little Ultra-Violence to his new films, and for that, I can totally recommend that you see The Expendables. It didn't really blow me away, and is an imperfect film (poor CGI, Willis not returning for another minute later after plot developments, hot spanish chick didn't get naked, ect) but it's a fun time waster with an extra dash of brutality (in more ways than one).

TF's: Valkyrie (3rd Party Arcee) Bot...

Well, I suppose the sour taste in my mouth is from the mix of rum and brew, but I'm at a strange place right now as I admire my newest acquisition. See that up there aside that single pack of Miso flavored ramen is a 3rd Party product action figure of what is obviously Transformers' Arcee, yet aka 'TRNS-01 Valkyrie' for copyright reasons. I don't see why using an exact to the point likeness wouldn't be a copyright reason, but I guess since Takara and Hasbro refuse to make the girl public, who really gives a shit? The closest that the official brand has ever come to this came earlier this year with their release of the TFAnimated Arcee. This was the very first official Arcee that was (somewhat) mass produced and actually for the first time resembled the old-school character, though with artistic differences. Even with this, many a young nerdlings longed for an Arcee figure from the film and/or 1985 television series. There were prototypes (customs?) from undisclosed locations about ten years back, and since then, Nothing!

Yeah, it happens, right? Sure it does. But why wait to put your product out when people could have been paying for it ten years ago, or even say, back in the mid 80's when the movie originally came out? I've always wanted an Arcee fig. Why? Because I like chick figs. The pinker the better. I see these test shots for an incredible G1 accurate figure online, and can only dream they make it official. But that day doesn't come, and long time pass. Other official products are painted as if they are Arcee for conventions, and the Alternator line got a bulky repaint of a Guy character which never should have seen the light of day. Then after all that, when the movie comes out, she's a motorcycle, looking like something that's been shit out of Optimus Prime's exhaust. It seemed as if there was no hope, but things are about to get expensive. ImpossibleToys just released the figure above, and Arcee fans rejoiced. For a short while, at least...

I got her and the first impression was (and I don't know if I should post the absurd picture of the huge ass shipping box this came packaged in with the little thing inside) that of shock. My eyes haven't opened that wide since I originally saw Peter Jackson's Bad Taste back in 1995. This baby is SMALL! And 70$ for her is rather big. After I opened her box up, I found out just how delicate the figure is. I'm genuinely scared to actually hold the thing. If pressure points on official figures scare you, which they should, then this thing is like that part in Indiana Jones where he's gotta replace the treasure's weight with that bad of sand. You know that face he gets when he fucks it up? Yeah, I don't wanna make that face. I could probably smash this figure into sand with a tight squeeze of my fist if I wanted to, and that's scary.

So there definitely are PROS and CONS which are immediately recognizable. Cons first, being there are no snapping-in points of the robot mold, which means that she doesn't "stay together" as well as normal figures do. You can't really position her without her chest plate rising up, which in turn raises her back junk and leaves her arms to flail. That sucks balls. Two, is that she is hard to balance considering her back weight, and yet, no ass. Which brings me to three, her waist does not move at all. Bad. The toy is also quite light. On the plus side, for one, she looks pretty damn sweet. Two, she's actually scale despite at first feeling disappointingly small. Yes, whoever designed her made it so she'd be able to stand alongside figures from 1984, and it worked out perfectly. Rather amazingly actually. This is possibly the major saving grace of the girl. Three, it just feels good to hold one of these, despite the "sour taste".

Some early purchasers complained that the paint job on theirs was rather shoddy. They may have been reviewers with free test runs, and I don't know if that's the case with many people, but the paint application on mine is Hasbro quality. Meaning it's not perfect, but it looks a lot better than on those online complaint pictures and videos. Maybe I got a "good" one, I don't know. All the joints are solid. In fact, the neck is so solid that I was afraid to move it sideways, but I did, and yes, the head actually moves. Left, right, up and down. The waist doesn't move but the hips have a ball joints and they swivel which doesn't do too much, but definitely helps. Arms are on ball joints, with a swivel and bend at the elbow but no wrist movement. She bends at the knees, ankles, and she's got two guns which are small but removable. Colors are simple pink, white, black and a transparent blue windshield. No stickers as of yet, but who knows if ReproLables will be working on some for the future. 

The price is way too high for this figure, and cannot be recommended by me unless you're seriously hardcore into this sort of thing. Even then, when I hold her in my hands, it feels like she should be thirty dollars or less. I'm not exactly regretting anything yet, but a couple days after this arrived news was posted by I-Gear regarding another Not-Arcee figure: Delicate Warrior, by another 3rd Party Company is out. Sadly, it is looking far superior to this version of the figure (better head mold, little bit of a buffer bod,  more details, some Die Cast to weigh her down... but similar problems?), even though they're both based on the same custom design. If 70$ wasn't bad enough, this other one is 100$. If I had been patient, I would have got this one instead. Still may have gotten both, but probably wouldn't have been feeling mental spasms right about now. Come on with that Masterpiece figure Takara and put an end to my suffering!

I fucking hate cupcakes... but oh well...

Thanks to Professor Brian O'Blivion over at The Cathode Ray Mission for the mention on this, what appears to be some sort of Blog Award slash Shoutout slash  Get To Know Your Blogger slash Chain Letter. I apologize in advance for not continuing the chain, but I regretfully cannot name names by force of nature.  There are many cool as all hell bloggers out there that I like / love and have known for a while and perhaps in a future post I'll write about it (or even make my own award - no chains attached), so don't worry. After all my bad luck is bottom barrel, so if I miss this one, I'm out nothing. I will say however that Senior O'Blivion is one cool motherfucker and all shall bow down. Crimson Ghost, beyotch! Rep-re-sent.

10 Things that bring me Joy.

Opening Something New. You know that feeling after you've had something for a while? Sure, you played with it at first, and everything was great. That  certain something was all you could talk about for a week, or even all you could think of. And then it happens: Maybe you put it aside, perhaps you've been  neglecting it, or hell, maybe you've just gotten plain sick of it. You know that feeling? Yeah, that's not the feeling I'm talking about. What I'm talking  about is the day that special day when you crack her open... err, I mean, well, you know what I mean. The wait definitely does make it more exciting. Say for  instance you've been waiting on some rare Japanese Devilman figures to come in the mail. You get home after a rough day of scoping out that cute girl at the  Dairy Queen in the mall. She's dishing out those swirly ice cream cones by the minute and all you want to see is her just take one slow lick as she locks  eyes with you. Only problem is how's she gonna see your eyes through those spy binoculars, or let alone notice you hiding behind that frilly plant in the  corner. So you go home, yet again and sans one sweet Oreo Blizzard that you brought a coupon for yet didn't have the guts to disobey the restraining order to  get. But alas, what's this!? A box with my name on it? Kanji in the return address? It was either open up a case of harakiri, or this, and baby it looks like  there's still some sweet time to be had opening up new things. Not that it has to be that difficult, don't get me wrong.

Cold Water. I could have even gone as far as to say simply, The Cold... or as an extension of the thought, Snow. But Cold Water is specifically something  that I need to feel and brings me immense joy. I'm not really talking about drinking cold water, I'll get to drinking later. What I speak of here now is  about the feel of cold on the skin. When that isn't easy to come by for whatever reason, cold water is the most easily accessable. Cold water is soothing,  calming and it helps me relax. To say that warm water on the skin disgusts me would be an understatement. Can't stand the stuff. Give me a cold shower and  lay me naked in a room full of air conditioners. I'll even cover my up junk with the wet towel just in case someone's peeking through the blinds. A fond  memory of cold water is one of my growing up on the California beaches. After spending all day there, depending on which beach you're at, there are these  outdoor public shower stations for rinsing off. You hit the button and get sprayed full blast for thirty seconds with the ice cold goodness as the sun goes  down. Every time I take a cold shower after a hard day's work I just close my eyes and imagine I'm there.

Lounging. I love to lounge... to relax. Suffice to say, I hate doing shit. When everything is all done and I've got nothing on the agenda, that is truly the  best moment. That moment however is not very often, so what do I do in the meantime? Ignore! That's what. When I awake at four in the morning and I'm laying  there completely feeling like total Boo Berry with a blanket half-draped over a leg and the AC blasting in my face, I think to myself "this is the best I'm  going to feel all day. It's all downhell from here..." and that is true until the next morning when I get to feel it again. Unless I'm dead, that is probably  the best I'm ever going to feel these days. Meditation. Sensory Deprivation. Relaxation. Some people call it laziness. Those people are usually girlfriends.

Drinking. It makes me feel good. And wise man say, "If it makes ya' feel good do it!" Heh. Don't drink, kids! But seriously, is there nothing better than  taking a stroll down to the local dive after a shitty day of work and being greeted by a beautiful woman with two large jugs... of beer waiting for you? I'm  talking an ice cold sixteen ounce in a frosty glass, service with a smile that makes you smile back. And you can't beat good company, especially when they're  buying you drinks left and right. Then aside from teh local pub, there's so much to enjoy in the privacy of your own home. Take a stroll through the big  daddy liquor store if you've got one nearby and pick up a case of Guinness, a case of Sapporo, some Cherry Flavroed Brandy, an 18 pack of Bud Ice, thirteen  Capitan Morgan 100 proof nips and you're set for the whole weekend. On the way home say fuck it and make it a party by picking up a High Society mag, a Cheri  for backup, and a pack of Djarums for afterward. I'm also fond of chugging non-alcoholic drinks such as Tropicana Grovestand orange juice, spicy V8, Fresh  Lemonade, ice cold Sprite, Soy Sauce, Pickle Juice, you name it.

Beautiful Women. Let's face it, beautiful women are everywhere. You ever see one? How'd she look? Fuckin' beautiful right? Of course she did... Beautiful  women are great. While a beautiful woman in real life may be a double edged sword in terms of how great, or devastatingly awful she makes you feel, it cannot  be denied that a sexy woman on screen is a most joyous thing. Hot chicks make everything better. Check this out, you're at the beach and it's a totally sweet  day. The wind is lightly blowing, it's cooled down, your toes are in the damp sand and you're feeling nice as shit with a cold brew in your hand. What could  possibly make this moment any better you ask? How about all the HOT CHICKS in bikinis everywhere?! Or take this one as an example: It's movie night (what  night isn't?) and you're getting ready to watch a video. I wonder what it could be...? Oh shit, you've just rented The Unborn! This night is most surely  guaranteed to suck balls now, but wait, what's this? Odette Yustman constantly parading around in her underwear? Problem Solved. I'm telling you, she saved  that movie for the most part, I feel like it fell off during the "exciting climax". When I think about how to describe 'beautiful women' as something that  brings me joy, I envision the film Malèna starring Monica Bellucci, for I find that relateable. Or on a lesser note, how Deuce Bigalow asks that hot girl in  the pet store to get the fish at the bottom of the tank so her t-shirt gets all wet and nipply. Mmmmm... highlight of the day.

Going to the Cinema. It's not easy for me to feel inner peace. I've got a lot of shit going on up there and it's not all happy, but I'm not going to bore you  with the dreaded details. We've all got problems. But you may be noticing a theme here in the things that bring me joy. There is a lot of Escapism in what  I'm writing about. When I'm not all here is when I'm happy, that's pretty much what I make of it. I feel so incredibly at peace when I'm sitting there in the  cinema and the previews are about to start. Why? Because I've got nothing to bother me at that moment, aside from the thought of bloodthirsty Demons going on  a rampage. Everything from the previews through the credits, buying the tickets to pondering what I have just seen, it's all an exciting and relaxed time to  be had. Plus, I've gone to quite a few midnight showings and special event playings where the people are either on drugs, or on drugs. And it's a damn cool  time when you get to hear those reaction roars... one reason why more movies should have audience tracks (ala Freddy Got Fingered and Sin City). There was  one year when I saw a film at the theatre every weekend. I learned a little bit more about quality over quantity regarding setting film goals, but it was  worth it I think.

1980's Cartoons. Have you seen what kids these days are offered as 'entertainment'? I am not only flabbergasted, but thoroughly shocked and appaled at the  state of children's programming these days. Are they intentionally trying to make the future stupider? Hey, that sounds like a good name for a new cartoon on  Nicktoons: Future Stupider. But seriously, are they doing this intentionally? And who are "they"? Obviously someone who wants the future population more  controllable. They've been perfecting this for years, ever since the early 30's, continuously altering the recipe as times change. Have you heard of this  thing called facebook twitter? Youngsters lining up like cattle at a battle to let everyone know where they at, what they doin' and when they doin' it. No  thanks Gattica. What's next you're going to rid the world of brown eyes through DNA stealing? Sounds like a good idea until they get hungry for murder  burgers when something goes wrong. Would you like to fit our new ideal of perfection, well then, why don't you step into this chamber for one moment and  experience complete and utter bliss. What's with the big skull and bones on the utter bliss chamber door? Oh, don't worry about that because there's a TV on  in there playing Fanboy and Chum Chum. Oh goody, I can't wait to AAHHHHHH!!!! My skin is melting! And so on. So forth. So my point is this: Watch  ThunderCats. And Transformers. And even, yes, GIJoe... you know, just for the cool Cobra shit that goes on.

Ramen Noodles. Ramen is my favorite food. It is perfection in a bowl. Even at its most simple form of block noodles and broth, the power this dish holds is  mesmerizing. Add to that the variations, alterations, additions, and recipes you can serve and you've got a versitile noodle dish. I like things simple, but  have yet to delve into the most extravagant of ramen dishes. For instance I keep reading articles and seeing shows about Ramen Bars and it's driving me nuts.  I've got to have it! I'm dying to go to some gourmet ramen shop and taste heaven, but for now, it's the home cooked goods. I like a very spicy broth, noodles  perfectly cooked to slurping delightality, and yes, dried veggie packets are more than welcome. I've become quite obsessed with ramen actually, in the manner  that I collect and shelve the stuff like GhoulBasement Jayson hoards VHS tapes at the local swap meet. Since I've tried nearly everything here I can find,  I've been searching online ramen shops to get my fix of what's out there and how it'll bring me joy. Yes, there are specialty ramen shops online, and when I  get a whole pocket full of dimes it's ordering time baby.

Chili Cheese Fries. Are you f'n kidding me? No Wienerschnitzel way. I like Poutine too. It's rad.

Horror. It's a way of life. Normals sometimes say, "Hey, let's watch a scary movie today. It'll be fun." That's how you know. A Horror kid, when presented  with a film option that isn't horror says, "What the fuck? That's not horror." When you were younger and stepped into the video store, did you run to the  horror section and stare with wonderment at the Grim Reaper big box release? Did you rent Frankenstein '80 and Faces of Death IV back to back? I sure as fuck  did. I grew up renting VHS horror films at two different mom and pop shops as well as the big chains. Horror kids born in the early 80's, like me, they miss  those shops. Holy hell do I miss those video stores. I could spend an hour in there before renting only two videos and the next week do the same thing, and I  did on multiple occasions. I must have read each tape box about twenty times, and looked it over hundreds. I remember renting Troll 2, Bad Taste, Gothic,  Panic (think big soft clamshell box with gross guy in the sewer), Monster Shark, Warlock, all that shit... things didn't get too much worse in terms of  owning horror films however. As time went on my DVD collection climed to more than 10x the amount of VHS I had. But keep in mind that I wasn't just  collecting VHS horror from the shop down the street, but rather I was indeed ordering dupes from catalogs. My early teen years of watching horror films  taught me that I'm not really much into homegrown stuff, but prefer the italian flavor instead. Dario Argento, Lucio FUlci, Mario and Lamberto Bava, and  Michele Soavi for the most part really geared my shit in a certain direction. My cousin Shane once told me as we sparked up a doobie back in 1999, that he  watched American Beauty and Fight Club recently and those films "changed his life." I as a devote horror fan (strictly, I mean, I've since come to accept  other genre offerings and these two films are favorites of mine) I cold-shouldered his words, stating that I had seen Tenebrae and Cemetery Man and those  changed my life. Perhaps I was being a dick, but he bought me Taco Bell after we blazed so I gave his movies a chance and found that they were pretty damn  good. Not to say that I was close minded but I did have a touch of teh elite-ism-ness that some horror kids may develop. I quickly put that to rest though.  Now, I find that I can enjoy all versions of horror. Be it a sparkling vampire with a strong gaze but no touchy rule, to a guy lubing up and fucking a dead  corpse while he video tapes his insatiable act. I'm open to new horror, and I'm cool with that. Nightmare on Elm Street will always be in my top 5 films, as  will Alucarda, Demons and Tenebrae. The fact is that horror kids got that different state of mind. Though many of us now consider the state of horror to be  slipping downhill drastically, remember that many of the horror films that we had to seek out and research years ago are readily avaliable at these kid's  disposal. The remakes will not all be new classics to everyone, because horror fans are smart and they want more. The smartest of the bunch will search for  something they've heard about, something that's fucked up... something like Burial Ground for instance. Zombie kid bites off his mom's nipple, and what's  worse, zombie kid isn't a kid, but a weird looking old dude who looks like a kid! Tell that shit to me when I'm fourteen and I'm fuckin' sold. I don't know  if it's a mission or what, but to un-corrupt the new flock, should be a joy, in itself.

Upcoming KO Conehead Seeker Spotlight

What you're looking at here are prototype shots for the three I-Gear Masterpiece Conehead Seekers, PP03E (Not Dirge) PP03J (Not Ramjet) and PP03A (Not Thrust). I-Gear, a third party accessory shop, is now acting as "distributor" to these Third Party KO toys created by "Partner Products". These jets are based off Customs using the original Masterpiece Starscream mold. There have been major wing-remolds, new weapons, new heads, and character specific paintjobs.

I've got to say that I've always loved the look of the MP Starscream mold. I'm not sure how far I would go to call the MP Jet the perfect figure, but it's a definite 10/10 me thinks. So far I've got only the US Version MP Skywarp (30$ Reduced at Walmart), but I've got plans on getting the whethered Starscream with Cartoon Acurate Colors. MP Starscream was first released in Japan sans Red, White(Grey) and Blue... just a blue-greyish tint throughout. Very displeasing to the eye, I would say. Twas later released by Hasbro as a Walmart Exclusive in his original colors, and afterward, Re-Relased in Japan by Takara-Tomy. Thundercracker and Skywarp were both released in Japan, and since Skywarp has been released in the US with what I feel to be a better paintjob. Thundercracker has not made his way over yet for some reason. Also, just recently, another MP Starscream was released in Japan, the Ghost Version! (Click HERE to see the video from TFsource).

And now, the re-tool KO's are set to be released by I-Gear, no doubt either making certain individuals unbiasedly giddy or extremely pissed off. I'm not going to go into legalities here, but some are claiming this is WAY over the line. Hasbro has yet to comment, and the overall feeling is that they just don't give a shit about these things really. Personally, I'm f'n excited! No matter what your stance is you can't seriously look at these photos and say that they're not absolutely beautiful figures. They're lean, mean and full of cream! The only questions now are A) Will these truly be released? B) What will the prices be for each? I'm guessing 100$ a piece, but there might be a three pack deal so who knows if there will be a discount for that. And C) What will the quality be like?

I'm hoping they'll be 60$ a piece like most official Masterpiece releases, but I doubt it. After all, they've got to make money somehow and who knows... maybe it's the high prices of these "collectibles" that keep Hasbro from worrying so much. I'm awaiting any type of review, more pictures, more info and ordering information to be readily available until I even consider buying these. Do I want them on my shelf to fondle and drool over? You bet your sweet ass. But I'm not made of cash, plus I just purchased a Third Party figure and two official Re-Releases that's putting me out just about 300$. And no, that's not even including the upcoming US Masterpiece version of Grimlock. Japan is really going off with their 2010 line, and Hasbro seem to be making advances as well. Not all of it looks shite like it did a few years back, and the wallet is taking a pounding.