February 10, 2013

The Final Bosses, Coke Fiends and Sluts of Demons! (1985)

Lamberto Bava's Demons isn't just a freaky movie filled to the brim with demented scenes of blood drenched grue. It's also got a lot of humor, a little sensuality and a lot of butt kicking action. Oh, you don't remember it that way? "Loud heavy metal music, a lot of green drool and people getting ripped to shreds." Sure, sure... there's a lot of that too, I agree. But there's so much more! You don't have to take my word for it, but it is always advised that you do so. I've even provided pictures to help illustrate my so-called points. So let's do this, here's:

6 Scenes of Snortin' and Slicin' from Demons (1985).

1. The Mask of Satan!

One thing about Demons that I've always found particularly hilarious is the fact that Hookers end up originally spreading the disease. I mean, how appropriate is that? Prostitutes unlock a plague that makes you bust out with oozing sores and destroys your brain! Good stuff. In the lobby of the Metropol theater, Rosemary puts on that silver demon mask and scratches herself. Because of that scratch she becomes a Demon. And an instrument, of Evil.

And the funny thing is, it happens just like in the damn movie they're watching! The movie within the movie's story reveals the prediction foretold by Nostradamus which is proclaimed as "the Coming of the Demons". After opening a tomb bearing his name, two lizard lovin' nerds and their lame girlfriends find an old book and something wrapped in cloth. That something happens to be a mask that looks eerily similar to the one Rosemary tried on earlier before the film started - only this one looks ancient.

As the movie rolls on we're told that whoever wears that mask becomes a Demon. Tony looks over at Rosemary and says "Now we know why you look so good in it." Ha. After the man pulls the mask from his face, there's a bloody scratch upon his cheek. Just at that moment, Rosemary's cheek begins bleeding again and she heads to the bathroom. Carmen mentions that the same thing that happened to Rosemary just happened in the movie, but since they're all completely baked out of their skulls, Tony just tells her that "Ahh it's a bunch of shit, baby." I never knew of any street drugs that make you so completely un-paranoid to some freaky ass coincidental shit like that happening, but perhaps Tony just wanted to keep his hoe from tripping out and harshing his buzz. He's cool like that.

"God damn it Rosemary, we're filmin' baby... quit callin' me Bobby!"

2. The Soda Machine Simple Pickup.

You're probably wondering why Karl Zinny is bent over with a grin on his face and Urbano Barberini is standing behind him rolling up his sleeves. Fear not, three readers, for an Elbow Deep Fanfic Bromance Novel is not in the works here at Beer and Horror Movies, oh no...

One of my very favorite scenes in Demons is the whole Soda Machine Fiasco where the girl's moneys get eaten up and they're unable to obtain their liquid satisfaction. Cheryl gets mad and accuses her friend Kathy of having bad luck with a harsh "These things only happen to you!", but little do they know that two suave and stalking young men across the room have been eyeing them the whole time. With naughty intentions of quenching their thirst with some "liquid satisfaction" of their own, the two dudes take time out from doing other manly things, to do even most manliest thing:

Get Coke, Fuck Bitches. That's right. "Hey Kenny... forget the bike!" Our heroes then proceed to saunter over towards the helpless and struggling damsels in distress. George is all man, totally confident and oozes machismo as he offers up a helping hand. Kenny stands silent while his bro goes to work, looking cooler than ranch dressing with that swag ass sweater tied over his shoulders.

George reaches across Cheryl's tit, grazing it as he slams the Soda Machine, causing the can to finally drop. Nice one! He then delivers an all time classic line, "Sometimes all it takes is the right touch.", all the while with a shit eating grin on his face. Damn smooth.

Kenny isn't as slick as his friend and does this totally creepish thing when he hands the can off to Kathy and tries to tickle her finger. She pulls away quickly with a bit of attitude, but you know she secretly liked it. Grabbing his Coke that is. Did you see that? Her hands were all over his big red Coke. Kenny you nerdly stud you. Looks like stuck-up cokey Kathy needs The Real Thing! If you know what I'm stalkin' about?

The Power!!!

Hey, speaking of Coke!

3. Punks sniff coke out of a Coca-Cola Can!

Lamberto Bava's Demons was the film that really busted my ravioli right open blew my mind at such a young and impressionable age. Ever since first seeing the movie I developed an addiction to snorting Coca-Cola out of the can. No joke. Going on ten plus years now, and it's all because of this scene. All the cool kids were doing it at the time, so I put on some totally out of place heavy metal music and said "What the hell, why not." At first it really burned, kinda like the reaction you'd experience to having the blood of a Demon drip down upon your face while steaming in a single-person sauna, but I got used to it after a while.

Little did I know that these fuckers weren't actually sniffing Soda out of the can, but rather white powdery Drugs! Now I've got severe acidic nostril damage due to my unfortunate misunderstanding of the night's events! It totally sucks. And what's worse, every time I see the Coca-Cola logo my nose starts running and snot drops all over the place, mostly onto my crotch as I'm trying to pick up girls drinking the stuff. By the time I start laying game it looks as if I've shot a load in my crusty trousers. I think I've got a solid case of "blame the movies" here. Let me know what you think. Anyways, where was I?

The punk leader, who goes by the classy name of Ripper, hogs most of the Coke out of the can while the other lowlifes sit back and get a bit desperate. Nina is handed the can (since she's the suck-up and of course has the all powerful vag a cute face) and starts snorting away. She only gets a snort or two before Baby Pig and Hot Dog get antsy and both grab for the can at the same time. The three of them all argue over who holds control of the drug filled can, eventually shaking it and spilling the substance all over the backseat of the car... and somehow into Nina's panties.

"What the FUCK!? Pick it up! Every last gram!"

Being a man with a passion not only for the contents of panties, but also drugs mysteriously creeping up vaginal crevices, I'll not argue the validity of this scene. No conspiracy theory here as to how Coke got into her panties. But it didn't just drop in there as the filmmakers would have you believe. Unless vaginas snort!? All the ladies in the house say yeah. Plus, I do believe that you've got to be wearing panties for something to get into them. Am I right? No matter the strange case we've got here, the fact is that Ripper's got trouble getting his dope back now, and he's none too happy about it.

4. "Oh look, Snow in the Valley."

During the Coke clean-up, Baby Pig looks over and notices that some of the white powder has dropped all over Nina's sweet unfastened breasts. He immediately sports wood and leans in, offering to clean it off of her... with a razor blade! "Maybe there's a little more further down." he quips. Piggy gently swipes the blade upwards across her juicy tit, slowly gathering up every flake of Coke. Then he beings grazing her nipple with the sexy gleaming object.

Nina likes it. She's getting wet. Any trace amount of Coke that had previously fallen into her panties is now splotchy glop by now, and her buzz has no doubt been heightened to the umpteenth degree. She bites her lip, licks her teeth and breathes heavily while this viewer sits back and strokes his throbbing hard on. Baby Pig blows her a kiss, winks and then gives her something that we've all been hoping for this whole time: With a gentle but firm ease, he cuts slightly into her heaving tit with the razor blade, drawing a single drip of blood. Man, this scene is Intense! Dirty... and not to mention, extremely hot. 

She of course flips the fuck out, but you can see it in her eyes that she loved every stinky second of it. She grabs him by the face, grating her teeth and grumbles "Wait'll I get near your prick, Piggy!" Uhg! Her bad attitude only turns BP on even more, as he smiles back at her and tells her that the shit in the air that night is making her so nice. Good line, I'm going to have to use that one sometime. Did I mention that all of this happens while Billy Idol's "White Wedding" plays in the background? Hell yeah.

5. Tony the Pimp pumps up the People!

Everybody loves Tony the Pimp. It's a fact! The dude is a fuckin' boss from the moment he steps onscreen, delivering an aura of badassness and a calm, quiet cool demeanor. Dig the shaved head with sideburns and horseshoe mustache look too. Tony the Pimp has something nearly every other dude in this movie doesn't, and that's style. Just look at that suit he's wearing... Gawd Dayumn! And along with that gold chain and dotted handkerchief he's sportin', dude is looking clean and mean boyee.

Tony the Pimp enjoys a moment of violence onscreen.

Tony the Pimp is a natural team leader too. It's only reasonable that he would be with the way he leads his two hoes around town, right? But you know the rare thing about this guy? He may be a bad ass motherfucker, but he's a bad ass motherfucker with a heart of gold. Just look at the way he treats his bitches. He's taking them to the cinema, and he ain't slappin' em... he's laughin' with em. Sure, Rosemary tests his limits with her stupidity a few times here and there, but it's all good. "Sit here and shut up" is about as harsh we see him get with the ladies.

And even then, that's who Tony the Pimp is. These girls may be hoes, but they're his hoes. Here's what the deal is: Tony enjoys himself because he's got the whole situation on lockdown, baby. Don't mistake that seemingly kind nature for weakness, as this dude is handy with a switchblade and will cut some dumb newbs up if they step to him wrong. Or if they fuck with his women. He may look bad, and act bad, and he most surely is bad to the boner, but he ain't dumb and he's not about to let a couple Demons come out on top when he's got power in numbers.

Tony the Pimp thinks with a rational and strategic state of mind, even under severe pressures. He's quick to assess the situation at hand and even faster to take charge of large, chaotic groups. When all of the moviegoers begin to freak the fuck out, Tony screams and even shakes a few ladies in the process, getting everyone's attention and brings up possible options of escape and/or defense. Not only does he calm everyone out of their hysteria, but he also makes smart suggestions such as "We'll all go up there together. If we stick together, nobody gets hurt." and "Hey kid, don't undo it... cut it!" as he hands George his bloody switchblade. And while he may be full of THC and wisdom, he's not above getting down and dirty while screaming "SMASH EVERYTHING! SMASH EVERYTHING!! SMASH EVERYTHING!!"

Unfortunately, Tony's good deeds and helpful nature are the two of his lesser badassly attributes that end up doing him in. While demonstrating (har har) the right way to break shit for the panicking peeps, he takes his focus off a Demon slut who takes a bite of his huge, leg sized cock. Damn! But get this... and this is the best part of the whole story I'm telling right now:

Not only does this slick motherfucker rally the people in a smart effort to survive the outbreak, but once he himself is turned, he ends up leading the small but growing, freakishly effective Demon Army to accumulate fresh victims. Unholy shit can this guy really work a crowd huh!? No matter what his intentions are, he's always on top of his game. And that's precisely why everyone loves Tony the Pimp.

6. The Motorbike Massacre!

George was just a man out on the town with his best bud Ken, lookin' to get the both of them laid by some bodacious chicks! They double-checked their inventory for the night, finding a half a joints worth of ragweed and a quarter ohh zee of the Schnappster. *ding* Figuring that was "decent" enough to score them some boo-tay, the two Virgin Killers headed out on the hunt for some hot babes. Little did they know that bloodthirsty Demons had inconveniently arrived to WORM their chicks away from them!!


But George wasn't about to let some zit faced goons worm in on his fresh nugs! With all the fury of a raging Caveman and a belly full of Talls, George went Mega Mountain Viper in reverse on all their demonic candy asses. Nobody is going to wheeze this guy's juice, even if it is pussy rich boy beer. He hopped atop his brand new Rad Mobile and took his blade to those crusty imbreeders. They just tried munching on the wrong dude's grindage, that's for sure.

George goes racing through the isles, flying through the air, slicing and dicing the meat group up into pieces. He's taking out Demons left, right and center with that Samurai sword and thus emerges as the hero of the film. He rescues a frightened Cheryl along the way and comes off looking bu-uuuufff as fu-uuucckkk, bud-dy. Then he starts fucking Demon Bitches to death with his sword and slicing their moppy melons off afterwards. This poor soulless creature below gets turned into a Pez Dispenser.

But this ain't Sin City, and it ain't Encino, man. Just call it the Stone(d) Age because this dude just got medieval on some demonic, mutated domes. That's it for the Demons post of the day. Ponder a while what has been discussed here, and I'll be back soon enough with more of the same old shit. So until then, keep a... Heads Up ...for more on Demons. Muauhahaha.

1 comment:

J. Astro said...

I love this post. *cues up Accept's "Fast as a Shark"

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