1. Emanuela Zicosky as "June, the Jeep Thrill"
Look at this chick! Would you just look at her?! She's the girl of my dreams!
Yeah, when she's all like "In your dreams!" I hit back with a snarky grin and and unblinking eyes and tell her "Yes! Tonight..." while I rub my hands together and let out a sinister geeky laugh. Dark fuckin' lord, what a beauty. She's the Amber Heard of her generation, only she probably likes dick and couldn't fake an orgasm if her life depended on it. That's right, this sultry piece of trim is all stunningly hot good looks and absolutely ZERO acting ability. Unless you count waving your head to and fro while taking long pauses between random words and speaking like a robot to be "acting".
It's such a damn shame that she's only around for a minute or two at tops right before the credits roll. I would have liked to see more of her. A lot more of her! *creepy stare* On a positive note though, it is good to know that George just landed himself a new girlfriend, as his old one just landed... on the concrete!
2. Natasha Hovey as "Cheryl, the Final Girl"
It's no wonder that Natasha got the lead role in Demons way back in 1985. Not only was she just magnificent all around (and not to mention a hot honey babe), but she also possessed a "twitchy, gaspy and blinky" type of acting style now to this day known as "The Bella Method". Not many of you readers out there in Zombieland know this little fact, since it's been kept a labyrinthine secret amidst only the worthiest of worthy, but this leading female type has been a way of life since the earliest of moving pictures.
Don't act as if "your mind is blown"... that's how they find you!
It's actually Insane how certain stories get a five sequel treatment, while actual worthwhile stuff like Demons just gets thrown to the side, leaving all these beautiful young women nothing to fall back on apparently. Apart from their good looks and sharp teeth I guess.
Wait a minute, isn't June the final girl?
3. Paola Cozzo as "Kathy, the Stuck Up Sweety"
There are three things that we immediately get to know about Kathy. She's Cheryl's best friend, she hates horror movies and she loves Coca-Cola. My mistake, make that four things... we also realize straight away that she's incredibly hot too!
Why would I say that she's stuck up you ask? Well, for one she makes this face (above) pretty much throughout the entire film, especially when getting hit on by Kenny. And on top of that she totally ignores him and plays hard to get which is just wrong. Hot babes like Kathy shouldn't keep all that boobs to herself.
Kathy also likes to act as if she's totally uninteresting in getting laid, but that front couldn't be further from the truth. She wants it... bad! She only lets it be known to the viewer for a split second when she actually looks over at Kenny, but other than that she's got her "stuck up" game face on. Though I hardly agree with her masquerade of non-slutty behavior, I do however tolerate it due to her immense hot babeness.
See, how she places that straw upon her lips!
Oh, that I were the nectar within that straw,
That I might touch that tongue!
4. Fiore Argento as "Hannah, the Make-Out Fake-Out"
Dario Argento's immaculately gorgeous daughter Fiore plays the role of Hannah, a young teenage girl out on what appears to be her first date with a strapping young bachelor. How do I know that he's a "strapping young bachelor"? Well, just take a look at that sweater tied around his shoulders. Welcome to 1980's Italy, where that preppy look got youngsters more time-outs than Zack from Saved By The Bell.
These two with their distinctively curly locks are no doubt destined to end up together (and hopefully not related at all). Undoubtedly she'll end up knocked up and he'll be trying his damnedest to pass the next day's algebra quiz, only to have Demons infest their apartment building while a frumpy goth girl downstairs has a horrible birthday party! Who knew fate worked in such mysterious ways!
Hannah is a tragically beautiful generic character who is based on the real life cinema viewings of everyday girls taken to horror films by their supposed boyfriends. That ultra-hottie from Day of the Woman pretty much summed up this character with her video on female stereotypes in horror. Check that out HERE. Not that there's anything wrong with that...
"OH, Hi There!
I didn't see you all out there staring at my chick. Just Kidding (J/K for the newbs), I saw everything. She's pretty hot, right? You're probably wondering... how did I pull this one? Don't even worry about it unless you're a worrier and don't like looking at this PYT hugging on my shoulder because I fuckin' lift! She's all over me. You wanna know the secret? Sweaters bro. Sweaters. Just tie one over your shoulder and boo-yah. It also helps if you've got piercing eyes like mine, the kind of eyes that like to stare directly into the camera."
5. Nicoletta Elmi as "Ingrid, the Usherette"
Little Nicoletta. My my, how she has grown... into one Freakishly Hot Chick!
I have been obsessed with this woman forever. I thought she was amazing in all of her early Italian giallo roles, and hot damn was she ever a cutie! When you first see her in Demons it's a shot of the back of her leg, she's standing in high heels and slowly lifting he skirt up. The camera pans up, she turns around in a mirror and fluffs her hair, gazing upon her own total and unadulterated hotness. It's pretty jaw-dropping to see this little girl all grown up and now finally molest-worthy.
6. Sally Day as "Liz, the Jizz Slut"
Look at the hot fluffy eyebrows on this bitch would ya!?
I don't know what the fuck is up with Liz, other than she's up to some no-good, downright slutty business! Is she fucking around on this blind dude? Wait, I though she was his niece or something. When they both walk into the theater she's looking all around and comes off really suspicious like she's waiting for someone. Then this creepy ass bald dude rolls up all quiet like, they start making out and he slowly slides his hand right up her dress.
I really doubt she's wearing panties, this guy is in finger heaven and for some reason I think this blind dude knows what's up! Just a hunch. Overall her scene is really sleazy and pretty disgusting. I've always felt "icky" watching it, and that doesn't happen to me much. But at least she dies violently soon thereafter... that's what you get for stealing Jennifer Connelly's eyebrows away from her you Bitch!
7. Bettina Ciampolini as "Nina, the Punk Grrrl"
Bite that lip! You know why she's got that look on her face? Shhhh... don't spoil the surprise. That one's coming up in the next installment of my Demons coverage. Cocaine is a hell of a drug! I'll say that much. Especially if a girl gets it in her panties. And this girl here likes the white stuff. She likes White Wedding, Wide Spreading, Wet Bedding, For Getting and Blood Letting... well, not so much the bloodletting (that pissed her off), but you get the picture.
What in the fuck is up with those earrings!? Are those computer chips?
Is she the Terminator of coke or something?
Is her Primary Objective is to snort coke and suck cock!!?
She even gets her own mirror scene... the only other character to get one aside from Rosemary. Though, I can see why she gets her own, with all the fucking blow she does... not to mention all the blowing she does in that car with those three scumbags. Snow, Blow, Hoe and Woe. After all, the gang that snorts together, warts together!
8. Fabiola Toledo as "Carmen, la Culo Caliente"
Carmen was always my favorite of the two Whores, as I'm particularly fond of "spanish" girls (not to mention she's simply the hotter of the two, and well, Rosemary has that Rick James thing going on, UGH!). Even though Rosemary got a lot more of the gruesome rampaging scenes, was the first person to wear the mask and got more coverage on press materials, Carmen made up for all of that by getting a Full Transformation Sequence which rocked all of our fucking socks off!
I love this shot! Toilets, Trash and Titties.
Tony the Pimp was also more fond of Carmen and it's pretty obvious. Not only does he shout at Rosemary a couple times, but he also makes fun of her. But when Hoe Lotta Rosey disappears and Carmen goes to check on her, Tony slaps her on the ass and says "Don't you disappear too!" All with a wink and a smile. I'm not really surprised that she's the favorite. It's probably something to do with those earrings of hers. You know what they say: Bigger the O, bigger the Oh-no!
9. Gretta Geretta as "Rosemary, the Superfreak"
What a beauty! With her glowing red eyes, vein covered face, dirty ass teeth... wait wut?!
You mean she wasn't a Demon that whole time?! Dayum... no wonder her Pimp disrespected her so badly for seemingly no reason? It's as if that Silver Demon Mask was molded out of her face and put on display for her to be ridiculed. Harsh, ass, shit.
I've probably said this before, but my absolute favorite thing about Edith is that's she is just one dumb ass lass waiting in a tent to get f to the ucked. Nothin' wrong with that... everyone's got their place. But unholy hell is she dumb! She even calls one of her boyfriends "Computer Brain" just because he's speaking about something half-way intelligently. I mean, what the fuck is up with that?
And just what the hell is she doing in a tent anyways? Who set up this tent? Is the tent my pants? Is this tent just symbolism for my throbbing erect boner as I watch this girl screaming while a knife comes towards her?!
I know after the kids parked their motorbikes Nancy and Guy #1 started unpacking something off the back of one, but it's never shown what was in the bag. I guess it could be a tent, that's rational: Guys take ladies out to the cemetery, and do the Boy Scout thing by being prepared. Only I doubt they brought condoms, and that ain't no fuckin' Swiss Army Knife they packed!
11. Jasmine Maimone as "Nancy, drew Blood"
Nancy may not be the sharpest dresser (dig those orange pants and the cheesy button up shirt) or have the best haircut, but boy does she got a set of lungs on her. She's a (s)creamer baby! As an added bonus, she's also the smarter of the two girls on the silver screen up there... if you're into that sort of thing. I'm not personally, but I figured I throw that out there. I prefer her friend Edith the dumb slut! You know, for aesthetic reasons.
Still, what a mouth on her huh?! Final thought: Fiendish desire to muffle those screams in the worst way.
Till next time, Teh Drunketh.