Michele Soavi's brilliant film "The Church" starts off with this incredibly INSANE and pumped-up progressive rock music while Templar Knights, dressed in white and on white horses, ride through the countryside... on a mission! It's an immediate assault on the senses for an opening scene of a film. What the fuck is going on!? This shit is intense, and then it drastically slows down for the maximum effect of what is about to happen. Executed flawlessly, I may say. Let us take note in this day's edition of Horror Movie Death Scenes I Molest Myself To:
Some rhetoric-spilling derelict alerts the Knights to the whereabouts of so-called "evil doings". "Hey! Over Here..." he shouts before pointing to a rock with three spiraling 6's on it and giggling like Beavis. "This waaayyy." His overacting is funny as shit.
The Templar Knights slowly follow his torchlight through a darkened cave and into a strange hidden wilderness where a cute, yet dirty girl washes her feet and then drinks the feet water from her hands. Interesting.
The girl is warned by others as the Knights and Beavis emerge from the cave, and she quickly (not to mention suspiciously) wraps her foot. Beavis points at her, screaming "That's the one!", while she grovels over quietly too kiss a Knight's boot.
"Who are you? Where are the others!?"
Suddenly the priest runs up. "Beware Sire. She's a Witch! Don't let her speak to you. Don't let her touch you! She's one of Them!!1 In league with Satan!" Ect,ect. She offers him water, and then goes to touch the Knight's helmet. Big Mistake? We'll see...
The Knight of course opens his mask up from the middle in total badass fashion and stares her down like a complete lunatic!
She asks him with a young and completely innocent voice
"You won't hurt me will you?" Awwww...
Look at this guy and his gnarly side braid! I bet he never hurt a chick in his life.
|No seriously. Look at this fuckin' psycho! He's cool as shit!|
He slowly reaches and and begins to pet her face with his gauntlet.
He then wraps his hand around her face...
Of course, they check her foot and find absolutely nothing incriminating... but end up killing the whole clan of "Satan Worshiping Witches" nonetheless. Go figure! This whole scene reminds me of the time I really wanted to kill my girlfriend, but instead of that just had her act it out while I filmed it. Weird, huh? When I was younger and first saw this film on VHS, I loved this intro, but I hated how it changed to modern times for the rest of the film. I really wanted more and more of this shit, but I've grown to really appreciate and love this film as a whole a lot more now.