During his quest to uncover the sinister secrets of France's nightlife, yung hunk n' fulla spunk Antoine (Guillaume Canet) busts in on dark and mysterious Voilaine (Asia Argento) while she's giving a touch up, to uh, I don't know, make small talk or something, and come off as a charmer? Why not. He's searching for something, and hell, if she's on the road to nowhere, I say go for it you dumb son of a bitch!
This is part 1 of Asia Argento, in LOVE BITES!
I'd probably follow her into a bathroom too. Who am I kidding!?
|Who's afraid to kiss a scary young lady's hand? But will intrude upon her... Interesting, to say the least.|
He starts talking all slick, something along the lines of "Ello Sweetcheeks, I've been admirin' yer choklat nipples from across the way. Me name is so and so from to and fro, eh, fancy a shag fishlips?" Or something of that nature, I don't know... don't understand much French. I had the subs off and volume down anyways, and like to make up my own stories if that's alright with you.
So anyways they get in a cab and head off to some strange private room...
...to fuck! Awww yeahz.
Back at his place, or uh, her place (or someone's place), she goes instant slut! Can I get a HELL yeah? Personally, I'd be down on the ground grovelling and licking this Gothic honey's stilettos, whimpering like a bitch and enjoying every second of it... but Joe Cool here likes to play it shy. Hmm. I really shouldn't call him Joe Cool though, that's a weird American thing. What's the French equivalent of a Joe Cool? Remy Cool? Sebastian Cool? Jean Cool? Nah, that sounds to close to Gene Pool... Which is something this guy isn't about to spill any of by the way!!
|"Did you know you can't cum when you're on LSD?"|
|"No Silly! That's my name, Ellessdee!"|
|"You see what I did there?"|
So after about what seems like five hours of shitty nightclub beats, talk talk talk and a little bit of stalk, enough talk is finally enough, and we get to see some bum-bum!
|"What?! You don't find armpits Sexy??"|
Man... just lick her fucking armpits and get on with the show! I hate this guy the more the movie progresses.
|"Oh dear.... her nubile young body is exposed. This is so wrong!"|
She puts on lipstick and gets all naughty while guy cries into his hands and acts like a little bitch!
Most definitely the best part of this movie, Asia drugs this motherfucker and starts to sex him down. His triple visions of her of course identically resemble the Three Brides of Dracula scenes that we've seen throughout the times (mostly reminiscent [a ripoff] of 1992's Bram Stoker's Dracula). Which begs the question:
Would you rather have 1 Monica Bellucci and 2 other girls going down on you? Or 3 Asia Argento?
...Not to spoil the fun, but I'd have 1 Monica, 1 Asia and 1 that hot ass chick from the Day of the Woman Blog. With the zombie make-up please!! And then I'd ditch Monica and Asia and request a one on one with no make-up involved. She's hot.