Saoirse Ronan and Alexis Bledel nun it up in Violet and Daisy (2011)

The "2011" film Violet and Daisy starts off like any other wet dream I normally have: Saoirse Ronan and Alexis Bledel are dressed as nuns (of course) looking gloriously fuckable, and delivering me pizzas. I answer the door baked out of my mind. I'm in my boxers, a holy shirt, one black sock and my dick's on hard. I look at them, then break the forth wall, winking at who is most surely the Dark Lord. Then they shoot me in the face simultaneously with about thirty-four bullets, since naturally they're assassins, and I don't wake up ever again.

No shit though something like that, but not really like that, actually happened to me back in the day. There was a knock at the door around noon. I was blitz'd out of my skull, high as fuck and thinking about ketchup chips. I walked to the door wearing sagging torn black shorts over my black boxers, one black sock and a black Danzig shirt. See a theme yet? I open the door and see the most hottestest looking 16 year old blonde chick that I've ever laid eyes on in my life. Not only is this girl immaculately beautiful, but she's also dressed like a total slut!

I see her and shoot a fat f'n load in my trousers before playing it off like I'm all good. She sees me, her eyes widen, and her vaginal crease moistens before clenching up. There was seriously like six stages of emotion in her face within that first couple of seconds ranging from initial shock, to humor, to excitement, to forbidden lust, to saddened restraint and then self composure. Then she began to speak to me about god. Yes, damp readers... as it turns out, this girl who looked like a way hotter version of Alicia Silverstone in her prime and on her sluttiest of days, was in fact a "Jehovah's Witness".

I was sickened and appalled, the repugnance in my throbbing balls, pulsating with disgust. While I would like to tell you that I invited her and she sucked my cock like I was the second coming that day, that alas, did not happen. I was actually so incredibly turned off by her overly-practiced recital that I simply told her that I was not interested and slammed the door in her face. Her gorgeous, glitter covered, pouty-lipped, wide-eyed, not-so-seemingly-innocent looking face. I hated myself for doing so, but I was so offended by the words that came out of her mouth.

I probably should have dragged her inside and delivered some payback. She most likely would have been offended by what went in to her mouth. But then again, probably not. I made a foolish mistake by letting her escape that day. Oh hey! Were you aware that I've got a "thing" for Saoirse Ronan? I mean, come on, "The Lovely Bones" anyone? This is the part where I say that it'd be lovely to bone her with my thing, or something like that, but what kind of childish perverted guy do you think I am huh!?

Remembering... Mark of the Devil Part 3

Juan López Moctezuma's 1977 film Alucarda, a perverse gothadelic psycho-sexual romp that revels in a passionate fast burning anguish, grasped stronghold to my rapidly warping brain at the impressionable young age of fifteen. At the time my mind had become immersed in dark and lurid imagery, with my focus leaning more and more towards the blasphemous. Morbid curiosity and an affinity for horrific fantasies led my thoughts and desires to wherever they may go, but in most cases ended up fully engrossed in horror films. The allure of horror movie VHS box art back in the mid nineties was such a compelling and euphoric attraction, that I could spend hours at a time down at the video rental shops just studying each one of them.

The power of a single photograph from a horror magazine, or a screenshot from the back cover-art of a tape, can simply not be underestimated. Disturbing, provocative and unsettling images captivated me to no end. I would stare at them, visualize, and draw them for my own personal pleasure. I even dabbled in creating some VHS cover sleeves for tapes I had purchased online and/or illegally recorded. [To the left is a scan of the front cover I did for an alternative release of Alucarda, where the title "Sisters of Satan" pops up for a split second before being covered by a "Mark of the Devil 3" title card. The back and spine of the art suffered even worse 'water damage' than what is visible at the top of this glossy paper printout.] 

I originally discovered Alucarda under the title Mark of the Devil Part 3 during what I like to call my binge renting days (which coincided with my binge toking days, but preceded my binge drinking daze). These were the years where VHS was still running rampant and strong throughout the world, and DVD was only slowly starting to emerge. By this time the Horror Section of every rental shop, from mom-n-pops to Cockbusters and even some Unholywood, had seen visible signs on my nugget nectar on their product... and that's without a blacklight! There wasn't a day that I'd return a tape without renting a new one that very day, even if I had to strut like a boss down the road to the next shop, which most of the time I did... by getting driven there by my parents.

The tail end of VHS dominance due to the upcoming DVD path of destruction was indeed a sad time for horror fans, as many of the trve classics disappeared with a vengeance. Shitty used tapes with rewind damage on all the sexy parts were sold for ridiculous prices, but the crime proving to be even more despicable was that most of the tapes were either stolen by employees and owners or simply thrown into the garbage. EBAY probably didn't exist by this point or had only just started up, so you can just imagine the space saving procedures which were used to display the "new and improved" format. A basement full of expensive (yet not at this point all too rare) VHS probably seemed like a good idea at the time for some owners, but I'm thinking that a lot of them probably had wives who kept their fancy wigs and stuffed poodles down there for safe keeping. Women and their fancy wigs! Am I right fellas?

I rented Mark of the Devil Part 3 with a friend of mine named Chase, who supposedly suffered from ADHD. His mother was freakishly controlling and invasive, and forced him to eat baby food regularly. One thing I could tell right away when I first met Chase was that he was incredibly hyperactive. Or to put it more properly, he was a total and complete fucking nut. A year older than me and actually well versed in some areas that I was not at the time (such as vast exploration of heavy metal and many things that were "cool"), but aside from being a metal-head who looked like Beavis and Butthead fucked and he was the baby they had, he didn't really have a lot going for him. Chase was a tormented and demented soul, and was trying his damnedest to rebel like a motherfucker from his mom since he was scared shitless of being a lonely ass punk bitch. A task I would constantly try to help him out with, but would also ultimately fail at.

We got along like balls back then. Just two balls mingling together and swaying in the crisp, cold wind. The night in particular when I stayed over at his house I brought a bottle of vodka that I had grabbed from "The Box" (a story for another time). We chilled uncomfortably while his mother hovered throughout the kitchen and constantly opened the sliding blinds which she called a door to his room. It always took her a while to fall asleep in the chair outside of his room, so he'd eat cold Chef Boyardee Ravioli straight out of the can and masturbate to scrambled porn on the PPV channel, while I'd sit in the corner on his AOL dial-up login and contemplate suicide. It was fun. Not as fun as getting straight liquored up and watching Alucarda for the first time at midnight while eating nothing but baby food, raviolis and the occasional twinkie that is! Why this dude's mom would keep him on a restricted diet of baby food and canned raviolis, only to allow him boxes upon boxes of twinkies is totally beyond me, but what the fuck do I know!? I'm not an old psycho bitch with an invisible bloody cord dripping from my vag that's wrapped around my sixteen year old son's neck.

We rented Mark of the Devil 3 on my Hollywood Video card seeing how Chase wasn't allowed his own for being "irresponsible", even though he had never actually had a card in the first place to be irresponsible with(!) We also rented Mark of the Devil Part 4 at the same time, which turned out to be The Satanic Rites of Dracula... or Horror Rises from the Tomb... or Tombs of the Blind Dead, I can't really fucking remember which one it was. We watched that one after Alucarda and only halfway, as after the vodka kicked in we decided to go out for a middle of the night stroll throughout the empty town. As young men with mental problems, it was indeed a treat to witness the town as it slept, the lights blurring and swaying with each turn of the head. Looking back, these days I wouldn't even think it over let alone go walking around for no reason whatsoever. It's boring as shit when I think about it now, but back then it wasn't. That was adventure.

One of the many adventures me an this crazy little bastard had. And not our greatest, mind you. I kind of doubt that till this day he actually remembers this movie though. We were both especially fond of girls in black and found Tina Romero to be incredibly fucking sexy. The crusty orange stains on the front of his tidy whiteys the next morning was proof enough of that! There's no doubt though that this film did hold some sort of fiendish hypnosis over our brains as we both ended up dating goth girls just after seeing this. Of course this was around the time The Craft came out in theaters, so all of a sudden one out of every thirteen chicks in town was now a "witch". But I didn't have a problem with that shit at all, oh no. Black lipstick on my dick. Something about Mark of the Devil Part 3 that we both could instantly relate to was the fact that Alucarda was a total outcast. She's the weird one, the freak, and more importantly, the one that's "crazy".

Mark of the Devil Part 3 was a film that clutched me forcibly by the balls and never let go. I had seen movies with similar themes while growing up, such as Carrie and The Exorcist for instance, so I had already experienced blasphemous behavior, vulgarities and blood soaked revenge on the screen. But nothing had truly prepared me for the boner inducing madness that is this outlandishly arousing gem. Devil Worship! Bloody Rituals! Nudity! Orgies! Lesbianism!! By gawd, don't even get me started on the sweet, sweet lesbianism. And a Goat Head Motherfucker with a hand on each girl's titty, leading oh-so succulent flesh all the way straight to HELL. Not only was the movie just undeniably cool, but it was weird as all shit too. The bizarre music that comes booming out of fucking nowhere while Alucarda and Justine become entranced by something mysterious yet preposterously evil does the job of luring the viewer in. Add on top of that these two hot girls getting naked with the snap of the Devil's fingers and screaming for hours like god damned lunatics, and you've got yourself an instantly captivating viewing experience.

That night before laying my head down for some much deserved sleep, I reached inside of my backpack (moving aside my favorite CHERI porno mags) and grabbed a new Blank VHS tape so I could proceed to tape the shit out of the craziest movie I had ever seen. Being the nerd that I am I always had Blank VHS tapes handy, you know, just in case. At home I of course had four VCRs set up in my system for multiple taping possibilities, along with my NES and SNES. Chase had two hooked up in his room for easy taping and making compilations of his favorite x-rated scenes. Back in the day you weren't shit unless you had two fucking VCRs, and you sure as hell weren't a friend of mine if you didn't have more than one. But I digress. I think what has attracted me to this film more than anything else over the years - more than the nudity, cutting, screaming, bloody kissing, and taking delight in praising all that is evil - is its immeasurable sadness. I really get into that shit. But I've obviously grown intellectually since then, and that sort of thing appeals to me at a real profound and sentimental level. And while I could go on and on about that, I'm not going to sit here and delude myself. I think that what it all boils down to - whether you're looking at it through the eyes of an excited young teenage perv, or from the mind of the broken and sad old man that he's become - it's all about one thing: these chicks are getting naked for Satan! Awwwwwww yeahz.

Kate Upton's "Nunkini" Scene from The Three Stooges (2012)

SPOILER: Watch the Trailer. Don't rent the movie. They cut the scene out! Imagine that shit? Yeah, I was shocked and appalled as fucking well. Oh, but don't worry, if you'd like to see Larry David in a habit (drag) talking like he's just smoked five hundred cigarettes for about twenty-five minutes then go right ahead and pick this one up. Or if you're into the uh... Jersey Shore, then pick this one up. There's only one and a half hot chicks on the Jersey Shore anyways. And they both ain't hot enough for me to have watched a single episode. Anyways...

This in an actual screenshot from the film.

Here's another one, with Katie's head shifted slightly...

...and here she is from FAR AWAY! Thanks guyzzz.

So what happened to her infamous scene from the trailer that made people actually, oh I don't fucking know... Want to see the movie!? Some "Catholic League" was upset and for some reason the Farrelly Brothers caved. That's right. Caved! I'll not defend them for this bitch ass shit! Fuck the Farrelly Brothers and their Producers for allowing this travesty of justice to occur. Fuck them right in the ass with a pitchfork from HELL!

The following screenshots are from the HD Trailer I searched for frantically online (to get my fix):

Yum Yum Dim Sum!

Is The Three Stooges "Movie" horrible?! Yes. Did I laugh One-and-a-Half times!? Yes. When I didn't see what I came to see did I let out a loud ass "What the FUCK!?" Yes. This movie and everyone involved in it can go SUCK A DICK!. Huh. I'm pretty clever... and persuasive too.  Maybe they'll go do that thing that I said. And if anyone should get that done to them, it should be the guy who told th... hey, SUCK MY DICK! Katie, you listening?

Alucarda's Ultimate Corruption...

...and the Doctor who knew too little.

Mark of... the Devil!?

After Justine is brutally whipped and tortured to death by the priests and nuns sworn to "protect" her, Dr. Oszek enters the room and is horrified and disgusted by their barbaric, savage acts. "Release her damn you!" He finds Alucarda also strung up and clinging to life. "I'm taking this girl with me... before you kill her! As you killed Justine!" The nuns are ashamed of what has transpired, and cry in front of Justine's naked and bloodied body. The Doctor takes Alucarda back to his home, trusting that she is indeed not possessed as that would be rather unscientific, and lays her down in his daughter's bed.

Alucarda begins screaming in her sleep and is frightened when she awakes to find Oszek hovering over her. She of course freaks out when the doctor tries to touch her... but at that moment, his hot, young and not to mention blind daughter Daniela, walks in. "Don't be scared darling. She just had a nightmare." Alucarda is immediately intrigued by this strange girl. You can see that look of fiendish desire, that devious gleam in her eyes. "May I stay with her for a little hwhile father?" Daniela asks. The Doctor sees no problem with leaving his susceptible daughter in the grasp of this wrongfully persecuted and misunderstood young lady, no not at all.

Alucarda: "I'm afraid of dreams. The things I see are so real." Spoken just like her mother. She looks over the glossy eyed princess before asking her a question: "Have we ever met before?"

Daniela: "I don't think so. Because, I do remember people's voices." Daniela then caresses Alucarda's face before telling her how pretty she is.

Alucarda: "...and you are beautiful. Please don't go. Stay with me!" With that, another rainbow connection is formed.

Meanwhile, Dr. Oszek is, for some reason or another, doing a bit of reading up on SATAN.

He looks at the book, throws it down and yells "Rubbish. Pure Rubbish!"

Indeed it is.

Innocence.... From Hell!?

Was Alucarda born pure evil? 

Early in the film, while out and frolicking about, Alucarda and Justine stop as a group of robed men carry a coffin through the field. Alucarda knew the girl apparently, as she speaks her name and how she will soon be buried in unhallowed ground. Though very little to nothing is known about this girl Cynthia, who had recently "killed herself", and one may speculate that perhaps this girl had shared the room with Alucarda just before Justine's arrival. It is a strange coincidence.

Or it could be nothing. Right? Alucarda is after all, an observer of peoples. Though, on that same note, she doesn't seem to observe so much for too long without somehow becoming involved with matters eventually. That of course being due to her sexual intrusiveness and attempted subdued anger. 

Was Cynthia's body being carried away just something that Alucarda and Justine stumbled upon while giggling and roaming throughout the flowers? It's an interesting question. Alucarda brought Justine out there the first time after all, which led to a place where the strange Gypsy man and his goat faced wife taught them about forbidden interests. So then are we to assume that by chance, they had come across these burial rites?

It's as if Alucarda desired, nay, needed, to see this event. Even with the newly appointed Justine at her side. Death, and love, after all, is what interests Alucarda the most... and what better a way to bring up both of those subjects to a potential new lover? But if that is the case, is she acting strictly out of pure "EVIL" and lustful ambitions? Or is she simply mourning the loss of her previous girlfriend?

Perhaps both?

Sisters.... of Satan!?

After Alucarda looks on in bone chilling terror as Daniella loses her balance amongst the chaos and falls (for about five minutes in slow motion) down the stairs unto a skeleton, her life is like, sooo totally over. She's truly horrified at this moment. Even though she admittedly was beginning to go Bat-Shit crazy.

Was she planning on saving this girl from what she perceived to be the ultimate evil? She seems so intent on taking her with her, not out of lust mind you, but out of a caring nature. It's difficult to tell as she's painted in such a negative light. But negative light often brings forth the beauty and salvation in a gut wrenching soul aching to be free. Whatever the hell that means.

Was Alucarda not damaged once or twice by the time of Daniella's accident, but three times? What if Cynthia was Alucarda's first lesbian lover? Imagine in such a short time span, losing not only your first love, but the next two loves of your life. It's no wonder to me why Alucarda faded into dust.... Her anger had grown so strong from being deprived all this time of what she so desired the most. Love. Love with another young woman like herself, yes, but love nonetheless! So sad.

There is some freaky ass shit going on in To The Devil... A Daughter!

As if with a title like that I'd have to tell you such a thing, but you gotta trust me on this one. If you consider a blood covered demonic baby of Satan crawling up between your legs with a thirst for the insides to be some "freaky ass shit"... then you'd probably be freaked out a bit. Right girls? For the rest of you: If you saw it happening to a girl and she not only liked it, but stuffed that Demonic baby up her pretty little cooch and felt good about the EVIL of it all, you may just leave a little bit intrigued.

The things that nightmares... dreams I don't even know are made of!

Mikey likes it!

Awwwwwwwwwww! Look at it drool evil cuteness.

Push it right back in! It'll never be happier...

Nevermind that since Christopher Lee is about to slice an innocent baby's neck in teh name of Satan! Oh, did I mention that in this film Christopher Lee kills babies with sharp knives in the name of His UnAlmighty? Yes siree he does. That's like his thing here. I don't really gotta problem with it. After all, they're wrinkly latex.

He's about to smear some blood on the young lady's protector comes looking.
Only managing to get a few drops before the battle of the tits and bush begin.

 I think my job here is done.

Salute to Satan!

End.