Check out this new shirt I got!

Remember that Three Wolf Moon shirt a few years back that gained immense popularity on amazon.com after all those reviewers started claiming that it made them irresistible to women, caused remarkable streaks of good luck whenever worn and had magical properties? Yeah, I too thought it was a ridiculous pop culture phenomenon as well. There were quite a few spin-offs and overall it was entertaining for about a whole day. I never bought into all that drama, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe!

Thanks to the almighty Wal-Mart I visited the other day, I found one which I too could display upon mine self. Yes indeed, an EVIL version! Muaahahhaaha. *cough*

May I strike fear into my fellow brethren this day as I wear its awesomeness throughout the many towns.

Dakota Fanning feels the PAIN in Twilight: Part 5 (2012)

Jane, Jane, Jane... you little bitch. You totally and utterly, completely and agonizingly hot, little bitch. Oh, how I've always wanted to feel the PAIN. I welcome the PAIN. I thrive for the PAIN! Unholy fucking hell, here I am begging for that sweet, sweet PAIN. Lay it on me baby. Lay on me and then lay it on me... just give me that look and you'll witness the PAIN of enormous amounts of semen exiting the opening of my dick, which will amount to so much liquid pleasure that it'll rip the tip of my cock open and blood will spill about... blood you will hopefully drink as I lay there dying with a smile on my face.

Baby? You don't seem amused. I suppose that would probably freak you out. A smile, I mean. Obviously with your flawless and not to mention totally hot beauty, you've never smiled a day in your damned life... most likely since smiling causes wrinkles, or so they say. But you're a goddess of a vamp so that shouldn't matter, oh, and did I mention that I'd slit my wrists just to have you want my blood in your mouth. I'm totally that desperate! Jane, I never wanted you to die. I wanted you to win the Twilight Games. I was jerking for you the whole time my darkling.

But I guess thing don't always go your way... no matter how much PAIN you afflict on your desired targets.

Out of all the multiple times I've seen every Twilight film in the cinema (picking up chicks hasn't been so easy since  so many mom's eyeballs got glued to Jacob's undressing wolf-weiner), never has there been more of an insane reaction from every single person in the place than when Jane laid a shit her Gothic dress, finally showed some fear in her face, ran away, and then got her bitch ass handed to her. 

The place blew the roof off when she showed that look of fear and ran away. My first thought was 'who would have thought that Jane was so hated by the entire female community?' and the second thought was *racist comments*. With all the shouts of "Die bitch!" from the twelve year old white girls and their moms I didn't know what to think. But I guess the hatred for Jane runs deep, no matter where the reader and/or watcher is from. People fucking hate this chick.

I'd just lay it all down as Jealousy. I guess if you hated her in the books, later seeing her as portrayed by the immaculate Dakota Fanning would cause extreme rage among all the cute, virgin and/or goblin girls of this day and age. Then again, who the fuck would want to be Bella when you could be Jane? Personally, I could take my pick of both at the same time... but that's a whole different sexual matter altogether. ;) 

PAIN!

Chloë Grace Moretz hits Puberty in Dark Shadows (2012)

Guess who just turned sweet sixteen today. That's right, Chloë Grace Moretz, the phenomenal young actress who's been splashing red stuff around the horror genre and making waves... of blood, that is. Chloë is one of those "smart beyond her years" young starlets of film, much akin to Dakota Fanning or AnnaSophia Robb, only much, much more grumbly and sultry. Both she and Dakota have played vampires in films thus far, so it looks like we're waiting on AnnaSophia to quit making bullshit like the Carrie Diaries *vomit* and get fangin'!

Until then, here are a few screenshots of this enchanting, pouty princess as Carolyn in Tim Burton's abysmal feature film "Dark Shadows". While the movie wasn't much of anything special, it did have its moments. One moment in particular is Chloë wearing this collar-like choker. G-r-owl.

She's so moody. I think you know what that means. ;)

Moody and Furry. The perfect combination.

That's right. She's a Werewolf. "Deal with it!"  Or something.

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)
[Rated PG-13: for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity]

Breaking Dawn Part 2 starts off very quietly with Bella in a room looking at herself in a mirror. She looks fabulous! Edward slowly walks and they softly touch each other  hold hands and kiss. They tell one another "I love you", then Edward smiles and tells her "We're the same temperature now." Awww. Hey, you think she practiced with a Popsicle before they finally had sex? After staring at herself and her husband for a while, Bella remembers that she just had a baby. "Renesmee, where is she? I have to see her!" Edward says that Bella can't see her until she feeds, so they go out and do some vampire stuff. When they come back, Jacob is waiting (with a shirt on for once) and he slowly lets her sniff him to get acquainted with hopefully not wanting to eat him I suppose? Through a series of unspoken nods, Edward and Jacob decide it's safe for Bella to see her own child. And here we're introduced to the most beautiful, creepiest looking motion-capture CGI baby version of an eleven year old actress you'll ever witness in your entire life. 

At this time Bella is unaware that Jacob has imprinted on her newborn baby Renesmee, something which ultimately means that he'll be having sex with her for the rest of their lives by the time she's seven years old (which is supposedly 16-18 in Dhampir years?) Everyone else knows this however, (and through a series of unspoken nods) they try for about a minute to keep things quiet after Bella awakens from her deathly slumber. But treating her as a stupid little girl doesn't seem to work any longer as she's now got golden red eyes and no pulse. She wants to know why Jacob gives such a shit about her baby and nobody getting eaten in her newborn state, and why he's being so clingy not all of a sudden. So Edward and Jacob agree to tell her (through a series of unspoken nods) that he has indeed made an "uncontrollable" wolf-clan mind-meld with one-day-old Renesmee and that their souls will forever be forced together (something Jacob always wanted to do with first and only other love Bella but couldn't, since she is a "Shield").

Bella becomes understandably pissed off and beats the shit out of him for this, shouting things like "I haven't even held her in my arms and you've taken her from me!" and the utterly fantastic "YOU NICKNAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!?" upon hearing him refer to her as "Nesse". He's like, "Bella, It's not what it looks like! You've gotta understand, I know she's just a baby but we're getting married." Or some shit like that, and it's great, because it IS what it looks like. I can't believe they're trying to sugarcoat this... I mean, I'm sure they'll wait until the time is right. By this time Jacob is in Edward and Bella's lives forever, and no matter how pissed off Bella originally was about this, Jacob even starts living at the Cullen's house. Which is pretty fucking bizarre considering how everything started out. But by now with these films and how ridiculous they've become over time with the sequels, nothing like this should be a surprise by now. They're all one big fucked up, not-really-happy but gloomy and forlorn family.

So I guess the plot of the story is that vampire Irina (the immaculate Maggie Grace) witnesses the young girl Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) floating through the air collecting snowflakes for Bella and Jacob. She stares at them for a while in shock and disgust, before running off to Italy to tell the Volturi that the Cullens have created a vampire child - something strictly forbidden and a crime punishable by death! Of course, Renesmee is actually only half-vampire (which for whatever reason isn't that bad?), so the Cullen clan goes around the world searching for other vampires to be witnesses to this, in hopes that nobody will die. SPOILERS: Everyone dies! I guess in the books nothing really happens at the end... that's what I heard. The Volturi show up and it's all drama, they're all about to kill everyone, but are convinced not to because the girl is half human, and they all live happily ever after. The filmmakers here added a little bit of action to the finale here, and man, did it make for one hell of a cinematic experience!

If you're going to ever watch this film, the absolute best time to do so would be right now in the Cinema with tons of unsuspecting fangirls of all ages. Why? Because you're going to want to be there to experience the reactions when their beloved characters are crushed to death and gets their heads ripped off. When the time for the big standoff comes, shit gets really intense (the music stops) and Aro (Michael Sheen) does his best impression of Nicholas Cage in Face/Off after snorting all those drugs. This fuckin' guy is nuts, so anything can happen here. After discovering that Renesmee isn't a true vampire child, Irena takes responsibility for her mistake and wasting their time... to which they then rip off her arms and head and light her on fire. Boo-yah! When the Volturi grab hold of Alice, she tells them that nothing she shows them will change their decision to fight and kill. And just when it seems that she's done for, father of the Cullen clan Carlisle runs to her aid.

As he runs towards the Volturi mob, Aro charges towards him and they both collide in mid-air. Aro lands crouching in the snow and Carlisle falls to the ground. As Aro rises up slowly, we see that he's holding Carlisle's severed head in his hand. Every single chick in the theater let out a super loud Gasp when this happened, and it was awesome. Even I was shocked admittedly. Who the hell would have expected that? Esme (Elisabeth Reaser), Carlisle's wife, lets out a horrified scream. Then both parties run towards the other and the bloodshed ensues. There was a buzzing throughout the room when the battle finally began. The screen was chaos with some fodder getting offed first, then Jane (Dakota Fanning) gets sight of Jasper (Jackson Rathbone). Bella tries to project her shielding abilities to protect him, but is ambushed by Jane's brother Alec (Cameron Bright). Without Bella's protection and outnumbered, Jane applies her "PAIN" spell on him. Jasper falls to his knees and the Volturi guard Demetri karate-chops his head clean off! 

At this point with Alice's boyfriend dead, the crowd starts to fucking lose it. I could hear "OMG"s everywhere, girls started breaking down and crying, and one chick just kept repeating the phrase "What is happening?! Are you serious?! What is happening?!" Wolf brother and sister Seth and Leah got it next. Jane then hit Seth the "PAIN" and a Volturi guard crushed his neck in about thirty places, dropping his drooling doggy corpse to the ground. Leah sacrificed herself to save Esme from being dragged down to hell and fell (in super sad slow motion with emphasis on crying wolf eyes) down into a lava pit. Nobody could sit still, people were thrashing around in their seats and I was waiting for someone to faint, but then the tides turned on the Volturi. Edward ripped off one of the guards heads with a twirly wrestling move. The blonde snobby Volturi guy got his face ripped in half lengthwise by some hot blonde vamp chicks, leaving his chin and tongue tangling as he fell to the ground. The older Volturi gentleman was torn to shreds after quietly whispering to himself "Finally" and allowing it to happen.

Emmett drops Alec on his back and kicks him in the throat, knocking him three feet into the soil. He then  rips his body from his head, by the feet(!), much to the dismay of Jane. As Aro and Jane begin to notice that things aren't going so well anymore, Alice makes a mad dash for Jane while under the protection of Bella. Jane for the first time in the series feels the fear, makes a face that looks like she's pissing herself, and starts to run away. The crowd goes nuts, laughing out loud and clapping. Alice grabs her by the throat, Jane shits bricks, and then Alice feeds her head first to big, black wolf Sam. Sam tears her head clean off and tosses it aside and the whole crowd cheers. Some people even stand up and scream. This was by far the loudest reaction during the whole movie. Man, people must have hated that bitch. With the whole theater in pandemonium, Bella and Edward double teamed Aro. Edward kicked him in the nuts and Bella jumped on his back and twisted his head off like a bottle cap. The place was in hysterics, when suddenly, as Bella was just about to light Aro's head on fire and we're staring into his fearful eyes, the scene cuts back to Alice holding Aro's hand. The sinister reveal that mind-fucked everyone in the audience, and left everyone talking till the end credits was tremendous. "They made me cry, those bastards!"

Even though the scene occurred as she was (or just after she was) showing him a vision, it was of course shown to us differently than the rest have been so far, and it was done seamlessly. Of course, this was done to trick the audience into as many emotions as possible and it totally worked. Some have said that this is a big "FU" to the people, or that the filmmakers were intentionally fucking with the rabid fans by pulling their heartstrings but I say Whatev! That shit was hilarious! I'm begging for an extended cut where more of the main characters die. Some of them seemed a bit left out of this battle, which was the only downside to it since Emmett and Rosalie could have died too. Even though everyone really didn't die, there actually was one true death in this one. The vampire girl Irena, who stuck her nose where it didn't belong. I guess the moral of the story is that bitches shouldn't fuck around in other people's business. If she hadn't been snooping around and later ran her mouth, everything would have been fine and she'd still be alive. No matter how hot she is, this sort of thing shouldn't be tolerated in any way, shape or form.

So all in all my niece and I had a great time seeing this along with all of those sobbing, orgasming and heart attack having girls. It was a pretty diverse crowd actually, but everyone got swept up in the final act. A plus for the grown men in the audience, we got to see a lot of decapitations and well, that dude's face being ripped lengthwise in half was the scene that had me laughing for about a minute. There was also a very PG-13 sex scene towards the beginning, with a lot of close-ups of legs, and arms conveniently covering boobs. Acting and make-up are of course what to be expected with these Twilight films. No matter how sappy or juvenile the story may ultimately be, a majority of side characters got some ample time in these last five films to make at least an impact when they were killed off. There were also a lot of ultra close-ups, a lot of airbrushing in some scenes (specifically on Bella and Renesmee's faces) and there's the issue of the CGI on actress Mackenzie Foy to superimpose her face on an animatronic baby or later in a future vision, a teenager. It wasn't overly horrible, just very noticeable.

The Twilight "Saga" may be a series of films where very little actually happens, but I can appreciate it for what it really is... and that's stupid, stupid fun. It sends a horrible message to young women, it's completely ridiculous, and it's all based around an incredibly selfish, stuttering, blinking, suicidal girl played by the incredibly hot Kristen Stewart. People say that these movies "Ruined Vampires", but similar shit was said when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were cast in Interview, and look at that movie now. It's pretty badass. You just wait... in about twenty years we'll be looking back at the heyday when Sparkling Vampires like Edward weren't such pussies as compared to what they've got now. Now that it's all "over" now, what's there to look forward to? Next year a new movie based on another of Stephanie Myers' books is coming out, called The Host. Who's starring in it you ask? Saoirse Ronan, who I at the moment am completely obsessed with. Just like with Kristen Stewart, these fuckers keep finding a way to pull me into this chubby author's world. Till next time... keep on Sparklin'.

Kate Beckinsale is looking (UN)Dead Sexy in Underworld!

Quite a difference from her Alice in Wonderland look huh?

I like both. But then again, I'm a pervert.

Bird of Prey... bird of prey... flying high... flying high...

...am I going to die?

That quote up there below both of those pictures was a double reference to both Jim Morrison/The Doors and the 2002 DC Comics television show Birds of Prey which featured Batman and Catwoman's daughter perched upon a high rise building gargoyle statue much like Selene here. And yeah, so clever that nobody would ever get it unless I just took the time to explain this shit. So anyways...

 Anyone? 

Fuck it. Nevermind. Nobody remembers that show anyways. Mia Sara was in it playing Harley Quinn! Yeah, I'm going to keep talking about it now... that's the hot ass bitch from Ferris Bueller's Day Off and Legend ...she was in it, and the show still didn't get picked up. Cancelled before the first season ended.That pisses me right off. Because I like hot chicks in tight black leather kicking ass. And Mia Sara always got the devildick hard!

Underworld is the film that made KB famous and it's easy to see why. She's GOTHED out, wears tight black leather, shoots guns at anything that fucking moves and has a Sexy Mouth. And boy, do I like me a sexy mouth. Not a perty mouf... I ain't like that... but a girl with a Sexy British mouth full of sharp and crooked teeth, well! Tie me down and bite it hard.

Here's a few close-ups of Kate in the first Underworld. This film has a shitty dark and blurry tone to it, so it's hard to capture the loveliness of Kate in the role that made her famous around the Vampire world.

 

While re-viewing this one I've noticed that they didn't have enough Kate in it. That's always been a big problem with these Underworld films... well, this one and the third anyways.

After this first film pretty much secured her as a total vampyric badass, Kate got more time to kick ass in the sequel and then get her own one hour 3D music video after the rights were secured for the franchise. Yay.

I think it's great that Kate got this opportunity to get a character and go off with it. Though, circumstances may have been weird from time to time...

Sometimes you just gotta cut that foreskin off and let the motherfucker go.

Underworld 4: Awakening

Underworld 4: Awakening 3D (2012) Rated: R. Thanks for joining me in this Spoilerific post. This is a Cinema Review, so let's get on with the quick thoughts of what I uhh... thought. Yeah.

I'll talk about what I liked first, which is of course: Kate Beckinsale. Without a doubt the hottest woman on the planet! I will watch anything with Kate in it, but the fact that she's featured so prominently in a horror franchise with vampires and werewolves, wearing nothing but tight black leather, it just makes it that much sweeter. I become fixated and mesmerized by her in these films, and I just can't get enough of her close-up shots. Aside from being drop un-dead gorgeous, she also kicks (and kills) some serious ass here. A lot of fight training really payed off, especially this time around where it's basically non-stop action from start to finish. Selene fucks shit up and leaves a serious path of destruction in Awakening. She's a total badass! She even gets a killer slow-motion walking away scene after showing off some of her skills.

And this path of destruction is GORY as all hell. I may have to go back and revisit the previous films in the series, but this one I do believe has more blood, gore and gross-out moments than all three of the other movies combined. It was sick! The violence is intense, heart pounding, graphic, and explosive. With a runtime of only 88 minutes(!) this may as well be a long Underworld music video. The unending action sequences and blood splattering death scenes are balanced out by the film's beautiful, sleek and colorfully toned look. It all just looks so glossy and magnificent, which is another thing I've really like about this series. A lot of great care is taken with how everything is presented. The 3D wasn't super over the top but there were a lot of great moments where a lot of images came out you (such as glass quickly flying after explosions, blood spattering, ect.) and none of it was overly obvious where it distracted.

A few things I didn't like or that slightly bothered me: The very first thing we see is a pointless recap of the first two films, and I hate that shit. It was less than a minute but it still bugged me. Afterwards they go into a 2D "black and white" news report style intro that sets up the film. That should have been the start of the film and not clips from the previous entries. It was distracting to see all this 2D after all the 3D trailers and before the film officially started. The transition was far from seamless when the new footage hits. Another thing, is they fogged the potential nudity. Just as in part 2 where Katie's ladies were conveniently covered by an arm, CGI smoke and haze filled all of the positive space here, obscuring her body parts. Booo!!1 Scott Speedman wasn't in this, but his character was and it obviously wasn't the same dude. Not that I really care too much about that, as he was hardly in the movie for all of twelve seconds and you never really got a good look at him.

Which brings me to the script. This story is probably the weakest amongst all four movies. I still enjoyed the hell out of Part 3 (for an Underworld film without Kate), but this film just ends up seeming weird in a lot of parts. Some of the dialogue is quite stiff and the very new relationship between mother and daughter needed to be explored deeper than a gentle, two minute scene. In fact, just about every character interaction in this movie seems slightly awkward for some reason or another. Awakening is also essentially an open ended film, which doesn't help matters. On one hand I actually thought it was pretty awesome how fast paced the film was, because everything was just so jam-packed and it never got slow, not once. But this movie could really benefit from a longer cut. Another half hour perhaps? Overall, a very incomplete feeling movie that left an instant gratification, but ultimately will end up best viewed back to back with part 1, 2 and eventually 5. Awakening is a crazy and wild mind escape that is over way too quickly. Recommended. I would have liked to go to the IMAX for this, but it didn't happen this time around.  It was kind of funny to see an uncredited Wes Bentley show up only to be dropped out of a window and die falling onto a parked car.

Rinkuškiai Werewolf Bier

Rinkuškiai Werewolf Bier (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by Rinkuškiai, in Biržai, Lithuania.

Year Round (Standard Release)
16.9 fl. oz. / $2.79 USD / 8.2% ABV

About: "Werewolf is based on the recipe of the best Biržai beers. No pees, rice and other non-malt products are used for Rinkuškiai beer production." Good to know. I prefer my beer without both pee and peas.

Thoughts: Poured a pretty standard amber color with a slight dark orange tint and just a sliver of a white head that quickly moved around and bubbled away.

Little bit malty at first. Some spicy hops come flowing through after a couple minutes. It smells pretty sweet and spicy, little bit like alcoholic cherries. There's something diabolic about it though.

Well, this beer actually tastes pretty damn good! I didn't know what to expect at all, but it's very well done. Balance of malts and hops is stupendous. It's like a spicy bread. Taste doesn't change. It's not really a one note beer, it's just very consistent in the stages it goes through. The same stages each time around. All very nice.

It a heavy medium. Tinging. Goes down smooth, and a little bit slow. Mouth coating.

This is a pretty straightforward brew. It starts off spicy and robust, slowly calms after the swallow and leaves a sweet soothing feel. Low bitterness. Not much of a bite for this 8.2%, no pun. Overall this is an enjoyable brew, that leaves a nice taste in your mouth and a mini-fire in yer belly.

Twilight 4 - Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)

Twilight 4 - Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2011)

[Rated PG-13: for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements.]

The film starts off with Jacob walking out the door into the rain, his race riddled with emotional pain as usual, before he tears off his shirt (again?!) to show his ripped bod and starts to jog. I really should have expected that.

We first get a glimpse of the White Wedding as Bella walks down the isle towards Edward, only for things to become surreal and uneasy once they kiss. She looks down to notice that they're now both covered in blood, and as the camera very, very slowly pans out, both are standing over the pile of all the guest's dead bodies. Nice! Once the real wedding begins, Bella stands there holding her father's hand nervously and asks him, "Just don't let me fall down." This is important to note as it is a recurring theme for Bella, and to remind audiences that she is indeed, on rather clumsy ass, dumb bitch.

It's a very, I guess pretty would be the word, wedding scene and up until this point nearly every character from the previous films has had at least one scene. As Bella is walking down the isle there's a slow, minute-long scene of the camera's transition down the back of her dress. It sure is one detailed and cool looking dress, admittedly. [I wondered why the shot took so long, (not that I minded, it was interesting I thought and added to the real time factor of an event like this) so I looked it up and found out that Stephenie Meyer had written some six pages detailing nothing but the back of that dress. Weirdly obsessive much?] There's some humorous bits thrown in with the toasts, and while it's all about true love forever and all that gushy business it doesn't go completely sappy as before. And so, they get married and tongue kiss for about five minutes straight while all the tween girls in the audience get wet.

Jacob shows up (with clothes on for once!) after the ceremony, standing in the woods, and seemingly unbitchier than usual. He seems to be finally coming into his own as a rightfully pissed off dude, and less of a crying, whimpering, shirtless and running, buff, teen-angst boy (Well except for that first scene, but I heard should have been towards the end of the third film actually). Anyways, he's manning up a bit. Even though, he's still majorly in love with this chick who keeps leading him on slightly, even though she just fucking got married! The two share a dance and some words together while everyone is still back at the party. When the honeymoon and subsequential turning get brought up, Bella tells Jacob that she will indeed be fucking Edward that night... but not as a Vamp, just as a mere, fragile human girl. Jacob naturally flips the fuck out, then storms off into the woods again crying like a little bitch.

Edward whisks Bella away to the mysterious vacation area of Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, where the two dance in the street for a short while amongst the local Asado-Grilling Muchachos and Gordita Putas. They share a few more kisses before taking a small motorboat out to a secluded island with an incredibly gorgeous and absolutely stunning looking summer home. Here we go, Edward and Bella finally get their fuck on! It's about time too. Bella's all nervous, brushing her teeth, shaving her legs and pumping herself up in the mirror while Edward decides to take a nude stroll out into the ocean. After coming to terms with the fact that she will indeed soon have Edwards wooden stake inside of her, she strips down and joins him in the water where they kiss for another fifteen minutes. There is a lot of goddamn kissing in this movie.

(This whole scene had to be shot just above nipples, so there's a whole lot of negative space with the sky in the background, and it looks just plain weird. The camera was too far out about half the time and it was distracting and downright infuriating to not see her boobs. It was far too lingering as well and the fact that I had to look at Edwards nipples didn't really help matters either!) It's actually pretty romantic this time around though, and a lot less (glaringly) cliche than the previous films. There still are some cheesy ass lines for those of us who so desire them, because come on, who doesn't love Meyer's groan inducing writing? I sure as fuck do! When Edward carried Bella to the bedroom to their honeymoon she gives him some shit, and he says "I'm nothing if not traditional." A major theme for Edward by the way who's a total old-school nerd of a virgin vampire. That line doesn't seem so bad written down, but in addition to his previous lines and delivery it's delightfully tacky.

Where was I? Oh right, the sex scene. It's a fairly quick scene (after all they are virgins), but it appears as if they go at it twice, with Bella mounting Edward the second time around. When Edward first slips inside of her sweet, pink little twitcher, he grabs the headboard, crushing it with his bare hands as he shoots his vampyric load prematurely inside of her. Smooth move. Bella later awakens with pillow feathers all over the place, the bed has been torn to shreds and the frame is busted all to fuck. There was a fun little scene later with the Spanish housekeepers, particularly the superstitious wife, when they walk through the house and that bed (whole room actually) is utterly thrashed! That next morning Bella stares at herself in the mirror for about five minutes and touches her face and lips for a while. Edward comes in and asks her how badly she's hurt. Yes, I grinned. He then opens parts of her robe to expose dark bruises all over her body.

Edward of course refuses to touch her shortly after that because he's so insistent on not ever hurting her. All the while she's pretty much screaming out "Fuck me! You idiot." He of course resists all of her temptations with the lingerie and blatantly rubbing her curvy ass in his face, instead opting to make her breakfast each morning and obliterate her at every chess game. She starts having bad dreams about never getting fucked again, one in which she finally wins a game of chess and then as compensation mounts him. Only to wake up and start crying as the dream was not real. How unfortunate! A few hours later Bella eats some slightly undercooked chicken and begins vomiting. When she notices that she missed her period, she checks herself out in the mirror and feels a violent trembling of a demon child. Edward naturally shits himself, panics and says they've got to get "that thing" out of her. Ouch!

Yeah, that's the look! Pants shat.

Talk about romantic, huh? The next half of the film deals with Bella's incredibly short and downright sickeningly-grim pregnancy. Arguments over "fetus" vs "baby" are had, and many of the family (including Jacob) want that fuckin' monstrosity out of her belly before it kills her. Bella insists that she's strong enough and Edward scoffs at the dumb girl's words. You, strong!? Que laughter. Nobody can sense the baby, or what it's like or what it wants until Edward reads Jacob's sarcastic mind that "it probably wants to come out so it can rip out someone's throat." Carlisle and the rest of them decide that the malnourished (and not to mention pretty fuckin' gross looking) young lass needs to Drink Blood(!) to feed the baby. Over the course of a few days, Bella goes through the family's lingering supply of Type O Positive blood pouches (drinking them with a straw out of Styrofoam cups). Soon enough, Edward discovers the error of his ways and comes to comfort his wife, telling her that he can now hear the baby's thoughts, that he loves the baby, and that the baby loves its mother. Aww.

With all well again in the Cullen family, Bella stands up and accidentally drops her cup, only to lean down and furiously Snap her spine in half! Dark lord. She screams in agonizing pain and goes into labor. As Dr. Carlisle, his wife and Emmett have gone out for more blood pouches (to accommodate the birth, nice timing), Rosalie, Jacob and Edward are forced to deliver the baby. After Edward slits Bella's stomach open with a scalpel, Rosalie's bloodlust takes control and Alice has to get her and Jasper the hell out of there before they eat her alive. The three of them go out to fight off the wolf pack, who are now focused on killing this baby as it is "too much of a threat to the world." Leaving Jacob and Edward both together once again in this dire situation. The fetus lining is too strong that the scalpel won't penetrate it, so Edward must bury his face into Bella's other slit and rip that fuckin' baby out with his own teeth! It's all pretty bloody disgusting actually.

Then she dies.

Yep. She's pregnant! I mean, It's totally obvious...

This film nearly got an R-Rating and had to be edited in two major spots. Personally this saddens the hell out of me and I hope that the home release will feature unaltered editing (though I highly fucking doubt it)! There were some strange cuts during the sex scene and also the birthing scene (far too many red lens and fades and shadows and disguise - I really wish they would have just shown more of the eventful gore). It was still nasty, and blood was all over the place, however. That being said, this film shows far more skin and blood than all the three previous combined. Not that that's really saying too much.

One of the main things I like about the film was how beautifully shot and composed everything is. All of the framing, set pieces, costumes, cinematography and timing are expertly handled. The music was distracting in only a few parts as it would start out of nowhere in the middle of dialogue, and I did notice one strange jump-cut between Carlisle and Edward's faces while in the doctor's office. But otherwise things flowed rather smoothly and scene transitions were often to some other spectacular looking location with some eventful bullshit building up. The whole first half of the film is so inviting and gorgeous. The last third of the film gets pretty damn ugly, especially in the case of Bella's walking corpse look.

Nearly all of the characters from the previous films all share moments together before Bella and her future sisters prepare for the wedding. The film takes its time to slow down and focus on a lot of the less dramatic scenes, where not much goes on aside from some dialogue and humorous, warm moments. It's nice that a lot of the smaller character development reminder-scenes were included in this split end-film, as not to compact and lose the  important stuff (Alright, let's get another shot of Jacob shirtless standing in the rain!). Bella's mom makes more of an appearance, her school friends aren't all dead after all, and the two least annoying siblings of the wolf clan (Seth and Leah Clearwater) get the most screen time from that bunch (which is good because I found all of the others particularly annoying!).

The werewolves actually speaking to each other was otherworldly and just plain weird. I know they communicate telepathically, but I just didn't see this coming at all. In the previous films it was merely suggested with eyes and understood looks, but here you flat out hear what they're saying. It was like a cartoon. The CGI of the broken spine and envenoming blood traveling through the body looked pretty cool, as did the self-stitching skin. There were some quick flashback sequences (and man do I utterly hate flashbacks), but they were mostly done in quick fashion and didn't end up bothering me too much.

It's hard for me to rate this one in comparison to the other films in the series based on two factors. One of the reasons I watch these are for Kristen Stewart. If I could dream at all, it would be about her! Unfortunately she looks pretty disgusting for a good part of this movie (and while relevant to the film, I gotta shake my head no). Then there's the lameness and cheese factor. The last two Twilight films have been stepped it up a notch on the serious meter, and this time it didn't come off a total giggle-fest. Luckily there was still just enough awfulness that I went away fulfilled. Did I mention that Jacob falls in love with and "imprints" on their baby at the end of this? Motherfucker's now a babyfucker!