December 31, 2011

Wrong Turn 4 (2011) and The Task (2010)

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011) [Horror / Slasher and Survival] Dir: Declan O'Brien - 20th Century Fox

Wrong Turn 4 started off on a bad note for me with its annoying, overly-chaotic and senselessly jumbled introduction that seemed to be nothing more than Insanity for the fuck of it. There was too much One Flew Over-type shit going on and it was if they were trying super duper hard just to be zany to the extreme while peppering the violence on! The excessive giggling and shock treatment of the new psychologist / nurse was eye-rollingly over the top and the doctor in chains scene was ridiculous even after suspending all disbelief of that being physically possible. It didn't help that the actor portraying the doctor was woodier than an axe handle either.

Despite a quick orgy interruption, featuring people who should never be allowed to speak - only rest chin-first in the nearest bored muff, the movie hit some serious lag. As the young, dumb and full of cumsters make their way out to meet up with Brad or Chad or some bro of theirs, we get a keen look at just who these young adults are: A bunch of dumb motherfuckers! That's who. After a mix of dumbassery, douchebaggery and debauchery (oh, and some sweet snowboard moves - including one half-inch jump over flat ground at two miles per hour) the dumb fucks get lost in a snowstorm and head towards, you guessed it, the old abandoned Mental Hospital. Yeah, the now-home of the Cannibalistic Gruesome Threesome. As if that first orgy scene wasn't bad enough.

From that point we get to witness various interaction scenes between these chicks and dudes that are akin to watching paint dry, without the leisure of being able to huff it and make it all bearable. By the time the three brothers show up fiending for human flesh and start gettin' to the killing, the stupidity of these characters amps up by 50%. Now I don't know if it was the intention of the filmmakers to do this, but the complete idiocy of these kids is sure to be unsurpassed in the next ten years of future horror films. These characters made some of the most irrational decisions in horror history. And Dumb Bitch #1 takes the fuckin' cake with her "No, don't kill the killers now that we have the one and only chance to do so... they don't deserve it and neither do you." Seriously? GTFO!

Wrong Turn 4 is frustratingly dumb, for the most part predictable and let's face it, the girls weren't that hot. But despite the bad reviews, the film has one thing and one thing only going for it. The GORE! This movie isn't a total Gore-Fest (more of a Bore-Fest ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - I kill me!) but there are scenes of bloodbathian proportions. And all of it looks pretty damn tasty. The strength of most of these particular death scenes is their sudden impactitude. A few of them were snap-of-a-finger sudden, but totally effective and left a fucked up lingering impression. When the camera loitered for more time on some of the carnage (such as the dude getting slowly skinned alive and fondued) it's all just a lesson in repetition. Heh, fonDUDE! "They like... fondude him dude!" I read about this film over at The Horror Club, and thought I'd give it a try. Hey, thanks a lot buddy! *Shakes fist old-man-style* C-


Task, The - After Dark Originals (2010) [Horror / ESP and Ghosts] Dir: Alex Orwell - Lionsgate

Check out that cover art. Look at it! Perhaps it's just the horror kid in me but when I was flipping through the Redbox and I saw this, I had a mini freak-out moment inside. I felt like Beavis and Butthead when they came across a pair of Fresh Boobs, or a Heavy Metal music video. "Whoa... Yes! YES!" That deliciously sinister grin, and the video camera... what utterly Evil and delightfully Gruesome acts does this mischievous fellow have in store for the nubile young fleshlings!? The answer? Not a god damned thing.

Best scene of the film: all six seconds of it.
The Task started out pretty good: A group of stereotypically diverse people are "randomly" adult-napped, stuffed into the back of a van and taken to an undisclosed location. They're then lined up in a row while this nice fellow in the devilish clown mask circles around them, causing one guy to furiously piss himself. But of course, nothing is at all what it seems to be in The Task. A douche dude shows up and explains that they've been chosen to be on a "scary new reality show" where they must survive one night in a haunted prison... or some shit.
"Son of a fuck." I say to myself, that's what The Task is? The movie then goes into this shitty montage of each character auditioning for an unknown reality show a few months prior. We've got the standard flaming gay guy, the tokin' black guy, the annoying chick, the other even more annoying chick, ect. They all decide not to sue the balls off these fuckers, and agree to the terms for whatever reason (ten dollar gift cards to Denny's I can't quite remember). Once inside they notice video cameras all over the building and are informed over intercoms what each of them will have to do that night.

Dumb bitch has to stick her hand in the mysterious box "filled with razor blades" to retrieve the first name. Gay guy has to read passages backwards from a bible in front of a lit candle in the creepy dark chapel (the prison has a chapel of course) to summon the spirit of the old, Oktoberfest-dressed, bald and mustached warden. Black guy has to lay in some kind of shit filled hole in the ground covered by a steel door. Other annoying chick has to sit in the abandoned gas chamber room... ect... it's all very lame and horrific. Horrifically boring that is! The warden (or his ghost) shows up and starts kinda violently murdering them one by one. The pranksters behind the camera now don't know if they're being pranked themselves or if this shit just got real.

The Task had me anxiously waiting for it to end, to the point where I just kept getting up to see if the food in my fridge had spoiled yet. The acting is shit. The writing is putrid. The story just plain sucks ass. Then there's plot twists after plots twist that are nonsensical and it's all very stupid. The horrid amateur acting releases the movie of any tension and renders the final scene completely ineffective. The death scenes are weak, with only one realistic gore scene that ends up being a twist in itself. Hell, even the gay guy angle is a twist. The bad guy ain't scary, and in fact, the only thing scary about this movie is how horribly cheesy is it. And I like cheese! It may go without saying, but I'm gonna: The Task is a task to watch. D-


Have Seen: 2011

KEY: Cinema, Owned, Rental or TV.

JAN [18]:

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Go (1999)
Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)
Fourth Kind, The (2009)
Vampires Suck (Extended Bite Me Edition) (2010)
Case 39 (2009)
Town, The (Theatrical Cut) (2010)
Green Hornet, The (3-D Version) (2011)
Dinner for Schmucks (2010) [Blu-ray]
Extract (2009)
Legendary Assassin (w/ English Dubbing) (2008)
RED (2010) [Blu-ray]
Time Machine, The (2002)
Educational Archives, The - Sally (Short) (1979)
Educational Archives, The - Girls Beware (3rd Edition) (Short) (1979)
Educational Archives, The - Keep Off the Grass (Short) (1970)
Educational Archives, The - Alcohol Is Dynamite (Short) (1967)
Monster Squad, The (1987)

FEB [13]:

Beavis and Butt-Head: Frog Baseball (Uncut) (Short) (1992)
- Beavis and Butt-Head - Vol. 3, Disc 2 (DC) (1993-1997)
Wieners (2008)
Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) [Blu-ray]
Surf's Up (2007)
Watchmen (186 Minute Director's Cut) (2009) [Blu-ray]
Last House on the Left, The (85 Minute Restored Extended Foreign Version) (1972) [Blu-ray]
Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010)
Beavis and Butt-Head - Vol. 3, Disc 1 (DC) (1993-1997) [Complete]
13'th Grade (Short) (2007)
Cyrus (2010)
Knight and Day (2010)
Trapped (2002)
Drive Angry (3-D Version) (2011)

MAR [12]:

Mechanic, The (1972)
Jackass 3 (2-D Version) (2010) [Blu-Ray]
Rango (2011)
Jason X (2001)
Demolition Man (EDITED For Television) (1993)
Home Alone (1990)
Black Lightning (2009)
Losers, The (2010)
Date Night (88 Minute Original Theatrical Version) (2010)
Couples Retreat (2009)
Friday (1995)
-Hellsing - Series 1, Disc 1 (2001)
Rudy (1993)

APR [16]:

Sucker Punch (IMAX Version) (2011)
Grown Ups (2010)
(500) Days of Summer (2009)
Half Baked (1998)
Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, The (2009)
Anthropophagus: The Grim Reaper (Uncut) (1980)
Sin City (Recut, Extended, Unrated) (w/ Austin Audience Reaction) (2005)
Devil's Rejects, The (109 Minute Unrated Version) (2005)
Scream 4 ( Scre4m ) (2011)
Due Date (2010)
Scream 3 (2000)
Scream 2 (1997)
WarGames (1983)
Scream (EDITED) (1996)
Behind the 'Scream' (Documentary) (2000)
Do You Like Hitchcock? (2005)

MAY [19]:

Nightmare on Elm Street, A (2010)
Malibu's Most Wanted (2003)
Bobby Z ( Death and Life of Bobby Z, The ) (2007)
Uncle Buck (1989)
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)
Lovely Bones, The (2009)
Emanuelle in America (Uncut 100 Minute Hardcore Director's Cut Version) (1977)
Black Death (2010)
-deleted scenes
-Bringing Black Death to Life (Documentary)
Endure (2010)
Goonies, The (1985) [Blu-ray]
Roommate, The (2011)
Suck (2009)
Hellboy (2004)
LotR: The Fellowship of the Ring, The (178 Minute Theatrical Version) (2001)
Shallow Hal (2001)
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (Extreme Unrated) (2004)
All Good Things (2010)
Tender Flesh (Uncut) (1998)
Thor (2-D Version) (2011)

JUN [8]:

Mechanic, The (2011)
X-Men: First Class (2011)
Love and Other Drugs (2010)
Wild Things (Unrated) (1998)
Thor: Tales of Asgard (2011)
Resident, The (2010)
Rite, The (2011)
Green Lantern (3-D Version) (2011)

JUL [9]:

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (3-D Version) (2011)
Desperate Measures (1998)
Red Riding Hood (99 Minute Original Theatrical Cut) (2011)
Tenebrae (1982)
Unknown (2011)
Lincoln Lawyer, The (2011)
Captain America: The First Avenger (3-D Version) (2011)
Source Code (2011)
Season of the Witch (2011)

AUG [17]:

Hobo with a Shotgun (2011) [Blu-ray]
One False Move (1992)
Elektra Luxx (2010)
Despicable Me (2010)
Ninja Assassin (2009) [Blu-ray]
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) [Blu-ray]
K-9 (1989)
Soul Surfer (2011)
Chosen One, The (2010)
Priest (Theatrical Version) (2011)
Take Me Home Tonight (2011)
Messengers, The (2007)
Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010)
Blitz (2011)
Sacrifice (2011)
Warrior's Way, The (2010)
Rio: The Movie (2011)

SEP [23]:

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole (2010)
Gnomeo & Juliet (2011)
Mezzo forte (Director's Cut) (2001)
Shark Night (3-D Version) (2011)
Hell Night (1981)
Elephant White (2011)
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (Extreme Unrated) (2004)
Light Years ( Gandahar ) (Full Screen) (Edited) (Dubbed) (1988) [VHS]
Heavy Metal 2000 (Heavy Metal: F.A.K.K.²) (Full Screen) (2000) [VHS]
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation ( MK2 )(1997) (Full Screen) [VHS]
Spawn (93 Minute Theatrical Version) (Full Screen) (1997) [VHS]
Creature (2011)
Bride of Chucky (1998) [VHS]
Thor (2011) [Blu-ray]
Thanks, Smokey! (Short) (2011)
Perfect Blue (1998) [VHS]
Labyrinth (1986)
Hesher (2010)
Setup (2011)
Paul (Unrated) (2011)
Assassination Games (2011)
Dark Knight, The (2008) [Blu-ray]
WWE: The Rise and Fall of ECW [Documentary] (2004)

OCT [8]:

Your Highness (106 Minute Unrated Extended Version) (2011)
Runaways, The (2010) [Blu-ray]
Walking Dead, The - The Complete 1st Season (2010)
Virgins from Hell (1987)
Caller, The (2011)
Task, The - After Dark Originals (2010)
Hanna (2011)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011) [Blu-ray]

NOV [12]:

I Am Number Four (2011)
Lost Future, The (2010)
Marvel One-Shot: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor's Hammer (2011)
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle - Extreme Unrated (2004)
Immortals (3-D Version) (2011)
Big (1988)
Snatch. (2000)
Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1, The (2011)
Forget Me Not (2009)
Carjacked (2011)
11/11/11 (2011) [Asylum's]
Conan the Barbarian (2011) [Blu-ray]

DEC [13]:

Super 8 (2011) [Blu-ray]
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn - 25th Anniversary Edition (1987) [Blu-ray]
Watchmen (186 Minute Director's Cut) (2009) [Blu-ray]
Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011)
Fright Night (2011) [Blu-ray]
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) [Blu-ray]
Zookeeper (2011)
Straw Dogs (2011)
Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The (2011)
Tenacious D - The Complete Masterworks - Live at Brixton Academy (2003)
Help, The (2011)
Columbiana (2011)
Warrior (2011)

My Recommendations: 

Essential Viewing: Black Death, The Caller, Hesher, Love And Other Drugs, The Resident, Soul Surfer
Check These Out:  Blitz, Carjacked, The Chosen One, Electra Luxx, Forget Me Not, Hanna
Totally Avoid: Dylan Dog, Paul, The Task, Your Highness, and some of the obviously Horrid shit in that above list.

Have Seen: 2010



001. Goonies, The (Full Screen) (1985)
002. Bangkok Dangerous (Full Screen) (2008)
003. Dave Chappelle: For What It's Worth (2004)
004. Dave Chappelle: Killin' Them Softly (2000)
005. 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)
006. New Barbarians, The (1982)
007. Mysterious Skin - Original Theatrical DC (2004)
008. Princess and the Frog, The (Wide) [G] (2009)
----. Tudors, The - Season 1, Ep 1 (2007)
009. Deadline (2009)
010. Lookout, The (2007)
----. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 10 (2010)
011. Summer's Moon (2009)
----. Tudors, The - Season 1, Ep 2 (2007)
012. Fellatio Truth Movement, The (Short) (2010)
----. Tudors, The - Season 1, Ep 3 and 4 (2007)
013. International, The (Full Screen) (2009)
----. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 11 (2010)
014. 12 Rounds (Full Screen) (2009)


015. Tudors, The - Season 1, Ep 5-10 (Complete) (2007)
016. Casper (Full Screen) (1995)
017. Transformers: The Movie - 20th Anniversary SE (1986)
----. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 12 (2010)
----. Tudors, The - Season 2, Ep 1 (2008)
018. Se7en - New Line Platinum Series (1995)
----. Tudors, The - Season 2, Ep 2-4 (2008)
019. Sinful Dwarf, The (1973)
020. What Have You Done to Solange? (1972)
----. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 13 (2010)
----. Tudors, The - Season 2, Ep 5-8 (2008)
021. Tromeo and Juliet (Unrated Director's Cut) (1996)
022. Bagman: Profession: Meurtrier (2005)
023. Terminator 2: Judgment Day (Restored 152 Min. DC) (1991)
----. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 14 (2010)
024. Tudors, The - Season 2, Ep 9-10 (Complete) (2008)
025. Aeon Flux (2005) [HD-DVD]
----. Tudors, The - Season 3, Ep 1 (2009)
026. Final Destination (Full Screen) (2000)
027. Wolfman, The (Wide) [R] (2010)
028. Bram Stoker's Dracula (Blu-ray) (1992)
----. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 15 (2010)
029. Running Man, The (Full Screen) (1987)
030. At Dawn They Sleep (2000)


 ----. Tudors, The - Season 3, Ep 2 and 3 (2009)
031. Burn Notice - Season 3, Ep 16 (Complete) (2010)
032. Tudors, The - Season 3, Ep 4-8 (Complete) (2009)
033. Bitch Slap (Unrated) (2009)
034. My Name Is Bruce (2007)
035. Alice in Wonderland (Limited) [PG] (IMAX 3-D Version) (2010)
036. Wes Craven Presents: Dracula 2000 (2000)
037. Perkins' 14 - After Dark Horrorfest (2009)
038. Role Models (102 Minute Unrated Version) (Full Screen) (2008)
039. Endless Summer 2, The (1994)
040. Twilight Saga: New Moon, The (2009)
041. Shallow Hal (Edited For TV) (Full Screen) (2001)
042. Fighting Cholitas, The (Short) (2006)
043. Jinx! (Short) (2007)
044. Demons (1985)
045. Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead (2006)
046. Why Did I Get Married? (2007)


047. Daredevil (Edited For TV) (Full Screen) (2003)
048. Run Lola Run ( Lola rennt ) (1998)
049. Anamorph (2007)
050. Never Back Down (Extended Beat Down Edition) (2008)
051. Kick-Ass (Wide) [R] (2010)
052. Pandorum (2009)
053. Proposal, The (Full Screen) (2009)
054. Year One (Unrated) (Full Screen) (2009)
055. Clueless (Full Screen) (1995)


056. Nightmare on Elm Street, A (Wide) [R] (2010)
057. Dark City - 111 Minute Director's Cut (1998) [Blu-ray]
058. Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)
059. Night of the Seagulls (1975)
060. Iron Man 2 (Wide) [PG-13] (2010)
061. Tombs of the Blind Dead (1971)
062. Last Unicorn, The (1982)
063. Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children (2005)
064. Man in the Moon, The (Full Screen) (1991)
065. Hangover, The (Full Screen) (2009)
066. Big (Full Screen) (1988)
067. Uncovered (Full Screen / Cropped) (1994)
068. Karate Kid, The (Full Screen) (1984)
069. Transformers: The Movie - 20th Anniversary SE (1986)
070. Stepfather, The (Full Screen) (2009)
071. UP (Full Screen) (2009)


072. Runaways, The (Limited) [R] (2010)
073. Zombi 2 (Uncut) - 25th Anniversary Special Edition (1979)
074. Con Air (1997)
----. True Blood: Season 3, Ep 1 (2010)
075. Explorers (Full Screen) (1985)
076. XXX (Full Screen) (2002)
077. Family That Preys, The (Full Screen) (2007)
078. League of Their Own, A (Full Screen) (1992)
----. True Blood: Season 3, Ep 2 (2010)
079. Marine, The (Theatrical Version) (2006)
080. Jonah Hex (Wide) [PG-13] (2010)


081. Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The (Wide) [PG-13] (2010)
082. Whiteout (Full Screen) (2009)
083. Frailty (Full Screen) (2001)
----. True Blood: Season 3, Ep 3 (2010)
084. Obsessed (Full Screen) (2009)
085. Home Alone (Full Screen) (1990)
----. True Blood: Season 3, Ep 4 (2010)
086. Edge of Darkness (2010)
087. Defendor (2009)
----. True Blood: Season 3, Ep 5 (2010)
088. Planet Hulk (2010)


089. Chloe (2009)
090. Dazed and Confused - CC (1993)
091. After.Life (2009)
092. Legion (2010)
093. Planet 51 (Full Screen) (2009)
094. Inception (Wide) [PG-13] (2010)
095. Jennifer's Body (Full Screen) (2009)
096. Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (2010)
097. Shutter Island (2010)
098. Blow (Full Screen) (2001)
099. Expendables, The (Wide) [R] (2010)
100. Inglourious Basterds (2009)
101. Killshot (Full Screen) (2009)
102. Hot Tub Time Machine (Unrated) (2010) [Blu-ray]
103. Sherlock Holmes (2009)
104. Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The (2009)
105. Cornered! (2008)
106. Girl Who Played with Fire, The (Limited) [R] (2009)
107. Surrogates (2009)
108. Clash of the Titans (2010) [Blu-ray]
109. Mystery Team (2009)
110. Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) [Blu-ray]
111. DC Showcase: Jonah Hex (Short) (2010) [Blu-ray]
----. Robin: The Story of Dick Grayson (Documentary) (2010)
----. Robin's Requiem: The Tale of Jason Todd (Documentary) (2010)
112. Piranha 3-D (Limited) [R] (2010)


112. Machete (Wide) [R] (2010)
113. Time Traveler's Wife, The (2009)
114. Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010) [Blu-ray]
115. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - CC (1998)
116. Pelican Brief, The (1993)
117. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (2010)
118. Family Guy Presents: Blue Harvest (2007)
119. Future-Kill (1985)
120. Resident Evil: Afterlife (Wide) [R] (2010)
121. Resident Evil (2002) [Blu-ray]
----. Playing Dead: From Game to Screen (Documentary) (2002)
----. Scoring Resident Evil (Documentary) (2002)
122. Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004) [Blu-ray]
123. Resident Evil: Extinction (2007) [Blu-ray]
124. Youth in Revolt (2009)
125. Killer Inside Me, The (2010) [Blu-ray]
126. Losers, The (2010) [Blu-ray]
127. Repo Men (Unrated) (2010)
128. Experiment, The (2010)
129. Harry Brown (2009)
----. Dexter: Season 5, Episode 1


130. Walking Tall (2004)
----. Dexter: Season 5, Episode 2
131. Speak (2004)
132. Survival of the Dead (2009)
133. Let Me In (Wide) [R] (2010)
----. Dexter: Season 5, Episode 3
134. Human Centipede (First Sequence), The (2009) [Blu-ray]
135. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007) [Blu-ray]
136. Gorgonas (Short) (2004)
137. Miss Greeny (Short) (1996)
138. Flat 'n' Fluffy (Short) (2001)
139. Love from Mother Only ( Amor Só de Mãe ) (Short) (2003)
140. Disposer (Short) (2005)
----. Dexter: Season 5, Episode 4
----. Demon Lord Dante, Vol. 1 - Dante Resurrects (2002)
141. Mezzo forte - Director's Cut (2001)
142. Kite - Director's Cut (1998)
143. Buffalo '66 (1998)
144. Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day, The (2009)
----. Dexter: Season 5, Episode 5
145. His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th (2009)
146. Friday the 13th - Killer Cut (2009) [Blu-ray]


147. Addams Family, The (1991)
148. Alucarda (1978)
----. Mezzo: Shell 1 (2004)
----. Mezzo: Shell 2 (2004)
149. Mezzo: Shell 3 (2004)
150. Predators (2010) [Blu-ray]
151. Splice (2009) [Blu-ray]
152. Armored (2009)
153. House of the Devil, The (2009) [Blu-ray]
154. Last Airbender, The (2010)
155. Faster (Wide) [R] (2010)
----. Transformers Prime: S1, E1: Darkness Rising: Part 1


----. Transformers Prime: S1, E2: Darkness Rising: Part 2
----. Transformers Prime: S1, E3: Darkness Rising: Part 3
----. Transformers Prime: S1, E4: Darkness Rising: Part 4
156. Transformers Prime: S1, E5: Darkness Rising: Part 5
157. Transformers: The Movie - 20th Anniversary SE (1986)
158. Lethal Force - SE (2001)
159. Garfield's Halloween Adventure (Edited) (1985)
160. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010) [Blu-ray]
161. Twilight Saga: Eclipse, The (2010) [Blu-ray]
162. Disappearance of Alice Creed, The (2009)
163. Nightmare on Elm Street, A (2010) [Blu-ray]
164. Easy A (2010)
165. Fire and Ice (1983)
166. I Spit on Your Grave (Uncut) (Hard-matted) (1978)
167. Vampyres (Uncut) (Remastered) (1974)
168. Black Swan (Wide) [R] (2010)
169. Salt (100 Minute Original Theatrical Version) (2010)
170. Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (1973)

December 27, 2011

BLACKARIA and LAST CARESS trailers - Must See These!

I don't know if this is old news or what, but I just split my shorts when I watched these two trailers from François Gaillard and Christophe Robin (two very Insane Frenchmen and apparent Danzig Fanatics! [They name all of their films after his song and/or album titles]). Absurdly noticable influence from Dario Argento and Mario Bava's work, as well as many other Euro-horrors. But DAMN, just take a look at these trailers.

If you've got any info on where I can buy and own, or even watch these, please let me know! (Apparently they've just been released on DVD in France, but no news on Subtitles or anything on a Stateside Version). It all may seem a little "Fatal Frames" (except actually Sexy!), but I want!!1

December 26, 2011

Three Months of Beer Reviews!

I drank a lot of beer in the last three months, and I did approximately 94 beer reviews in that time. I don't know if that's "eXtreme!!1" or what, but it was definitely an interesting experience that taught me a few things about beer and life. Allow me to share.

When I regained my sense of taste after almost going ghost, I made a non-conscious decision to try some new beers that I've never had. This was about halfway through October (as I searched for mysterious and hidden Pumpkin brews on the shelves, I did a lot of label reading and became quite interested in trying many of these craft beers). Now a few months later, whenever I hit the craft brew section of the package store I get a range of emotions from stupidly giddy to utterly determined. Beer is never going to be the same to me.

It's become more than just Beer! It's an experience, a feeling, a tone... for life. So much negative stigma towards beer due to irresponsibility (not my only crime), that I cast aside in favor for a more positive vibe. Beer is meant to be enjoyed and should always be there for you, helping to make your good times with with friends, loved ones and even alone, even better! I've done a lot of reading on beer and beer news lately that it's become more than just a pastime, but also an interest. I am genuinely intrigued by really good, interesting and new beers.

I did a Halloween brew and Christmas brew series 'type of thing', and what I learned from that is I'll not be doing this again. I will of course continue to do Pumpkin beer reviews each year, but from now on I'll be focusing on just the beers I want to try and not impose some forced uh, boundaries on myself. Basically I came to this conclusion when I did that Christmas series. What is a Christmas beer? I don't fuckin' know. I guess you could just slap a Holiday label on any beer and then it becomes one. That's my conclusion. I had this idea for a Holiday Brew Review Summary, aka "Tis The Season To Get Fucked Up!"

Other possible summary post names included the following:

"Santa Clause Is Coming To Drink!"
"Hark! The Herald Boozers Puke!"
"Frosty The Beerman!"
"Silent Burps!"
...and my personal favorite, "Deck The Bitch With Fists Of Stupor!"

Ah, domestic violence. What a joy. But of course, "Tis The Season To Get Fucked Up!" just sounds so FUN! Well, that all went to shit after I tried those beers and none of them had anything remotely Christmas-Like about them... except for one:

Hoppin' Frog's Frosted Frog Christmas Ale!

You want Christmas in a bottle? This is it! Nothing, absolutely nothing compared to this. After the confusion of trying a few of the so-called Holiday beers (that had left me crushed like a baby's head from a tree stump stomp!), I finally found what I was searching for. This beer is one of a kind, and it left me with only one lingering thought once I had downed it: Moar! Which brings me to:

Beers that I bought... again!

Aside from the session beers, I did a total of 3 Re-buys. These beers I liked so damn much that I simply had to get another one. Hoppin' Frog's Frosted Frog was one of them. The other two? 

Wachusett's Imperial Pumpkin Ale

Southern Tier's Imperial Pumking!

All three of these beers are wonderfully spiced and the most perfect representation to the holiday season. Not to mention that they are all just fuckin' incredible experiences. 2011 was the first year for this new Wachusett Pumpkin Ale and they nailed it. The taste of this brew simply demolished the other pumpkin brews and left their gourds laying about the misty streets. Pumking did incredible sales around here I noticed, as people were just going absolutely nuts for the stuff... and for good reason. It's more than a beer, more than a Pumpkin beer, it's a meal in itself. Like it says right there on the label, this truly is a Mystical Brew! It's got a powerful aura about it that will take over your senses.

Aside from those three beers that completely "changed my life" (to quote my cousin Shane after his viewing of Fight Club and American Beauty), I found that I'm really a Barleywine guy, overall. I haven't found one that I didn't luv. Barleywine is a splendid style that's rich, flavorful and sweet. It makes me smile inside. On the other hand, Stouts are an odd bunch to me. They tend to taste similar, and I've never really been into coffee so I just can't see myself enjoying these on a regular basis. Though, when you find one that's rich and savory, creamy and smooth it really is a treat. Any watered down feeling Stouts really do suck. I think I got pretty lucky with the stouts that I've tried. Wolaver's Oatmeal and Southern Tier's Choklat specifically.

When I started reviewing beer it was actually pretty tough. Though I think of myself as being fairly good with words, it was hard a few times to come up with something other than "this tastes pretty OK I guess." I learned to love the diversity in beer, and doing so many reviews in such a short amount of time, I found that it got a lot easier for me in the last month. I tried a lot of beers which were still fresh in my mind and helped comparison-wise. Reading the ingredients in certain beers, and documenting it of course, I started to notice certain things I like or don't.

Anytime I opened a bottle, I finished it (with only one exception - my single drain pour of the year). I've had good beers and lousy beers, flavorful and tasteless beers, a few tremendous beers and even some really strange beers. I've been surprised, let down, confused and even at times worried... but most of all, I had a great time doing it all. "Drink a few beers, take a few notes. It was fuuunnnn!" In an effort not to get burnt out or too too boring (I know, I've got my moments) I'll most likely not be going beer review crazy as I have been. There are some beers that I'm still really looking forward to, such as more of the offerings from Southern Tier and Dogfish Head.

Until then, I might just take it sleazy. Then again I might not.

December 25, 2011

Berkshire Cabin Fever Ale

Berkshire Cabin Fever Ale (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by Berkshire Brewing Co., in South Deerfield, MA. USA.
Winter Seasonal (Yearly Release)
22 fl. oz. / 3.99 USD / 6.3% ABV

About: "Cabin Fever is a well-balanced, medium bodied ale brewed to sustain you over the long New England winter. Its rich malt profile is reminiscent of an English Pale Ale, while the spicy and fruity hop finish, from German Tettnang hops, gives it a warming and welcoming feeling to bring you back in from the cold. Available from the first week of November through March."

Thoughts: Poured a semi-dark cinnamon amber with a fluffy and frothy eggshell tan head. There are little darkish colorful specks in parts of the head once it settles down which I will assume are the live yeast they leave in their unfiltered and unpasteurized brews.

Smells like a mild chocolate malt at first. Little bit of hops coming through. I let it warm a bit and the scent is still a little hard to get here.

Heavy chocolate malt, little bit of alcoholic coffee and some fruity spicy hops. Dark fruits, Toffee, mild Citrus burn on the finish. This is a strange one! It's not strong at all, yet not horribly bland, but it seems masked. And yet, after warming there is an abundance of flavor and scents. While good tasting and smooth, there's nothing really setting me off about it. Everything is settled down. This is a sweet and syrupy brew with a very good balance of malts and hops.

Light medium, pretty frothy once you get it in your mouth. It's a bit drying. Sticky. Aftertaste is hoppy.

It's a lot better than some of the other Winter Warmers that I've tried, but I'm just going to have to come to terms with the fact that I'm not really a Winter Warmer fan. For the most part they aren't distinct enough for me yet. I of course can determine the quality, which this one has tons of, but maybe I just don't get the concept. They all seem to be lacking some special ingredient to me.

Rinkuškiai Werewolf Bier

Rinkuškiai Werewolf Bier (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by Rinkuškiai, in Biržai, Lithuania.
Year Round (Standard Release)
16.9 fl. oz. / $2.79 USD / 8.2% ABV

About: "Werewolf is based on the recipe of the best Biržai beers. No pees, rice and other non-malt products are used for Rinkuškiai beer production." Good to know. I prefer my beer without both pee and peas.

Thoughts: Poured a pretty standard amber color with a slight dark orange tint and just a sliver of a white head that quickly moved around and bubbled away.

Little bit malty at first. Some spicy hops come flowing through after a couple minutes. It smells pretty sweet and spicy, little bit like alcoholic cherries. There's something diabolic about it though.

Well, this beer actually tastes pretty damn good! I didn't know what to expect at all, but it's very well done. Balance of malts and hops is stupendous. It's like a spicy bread. Taste doesn't change. It's not really a one note beer, it's just very consistent in the stages it goes through. The same stages each time around. All very nice.

It a heavy medium. Tinging. Goes down smooth, and a little bit slow. Mouth coating.

This is a pretty straightforward brew. It starts off spicy and robust, slowly calms after the swallow and leaves a sweet soothing feel. Low bitterness. Not much of a bite for this 8.2%, no pun. Overall this is an enjoyable brew, that leaves a nice taste in your mouth and a mini-fire in yer belly.

Rogue Yellow Snow IPA

Rogue Yellow Snow IPA - India Pale Ale  (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by the Oregon Brwing Co., in Neewport, OR. USA.
Winter Seasonal (Yearly Release)
12 fl. oz. / $2.99 USD / 6.2% ABV

About: "Yellow Snow IPA was originally introduced for the 2000 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City as a tribute to winter sports everywhere (downhill skiing, snowboarding, cross country, ice hockey, ice fishing, snowmobiling, and even curling). Malts: Cara Foam, Melanoiden and Rogue Micro Barley Farm Dare & Risk / Hops: Amarillo and Rogue Micro Hopyard Revolution / Yeast: Free Range Coastal Water and Pacman."

Thoughts: Poured an über light and pale straw yellow with a very slow to form head that puffed up twice its size and spilled over a bit. I may have poured somewhat aggressively. There are bubbles of varying sizes all over the top that bubble down into a frothy stark white head.

Getting some sweet smelling hops first off. Little bit piney, with a touch of lemon zest.

Starts off pretty bitter and gets even more bitter afterwards on the first gulp. Citrus hops demolish the roof of my mouth while grassy hops crawl under the sides of my tongue. The malt is so light it's almost non-existent. I'm not getting much of a taste aside from massive hops and bitter. While I like how strong the hops are here, I'm having trouble identifying with anything else about the beer that I really like... aside from the mouth feel, which is pretty amazing:

It's thick and seriously creamy. Creamy like a warming milkshake.

Finish is dry and mellows later into a grapefruit tone. That's about it. This is offically my second Rogue Ale. Surprisingly I've never tried their Dead Guy, which seems like it would be right up my dark alley. That didn't sound right. Uh... this is a decent brew, but not memorable at all for me. This has four malts and two hops? Could have fooled me and I guess they did.

Wachusett's LARRY Imperial IPA

Wachusett's LARRY Imperial IPA - The Publick House Series (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by Wachusett Brewing Company, in Westminster, MA. USA.
Rotating? (Limited Release)
22 fl. oz. / $5.59 USD / 7.5% ABV

About: "A Drinkable Imperial. We teamed up with our friends at the Publick House to create this 7.5% ABV, 85 IBU India Pale Ale, so you can enjoy it with yours. Amarillo, Chinook, Simcoe, Magnum, Centennial hops, American Two Row, Crystal and Munich Malts."

Thoughs: Poured a bright orange, with a bit of a yellow amber hue in the light. Huge white puffy head that must have stolen all the carbonation away. There's only a few bubbles in there halfway up, and rising every few seconds.

The smell is serious hops! Little piney, little floral, little grassy and all very sweet smelling. Like mandarin oranges. By definition, this is what an Imperial IPA should smell like. It's absolutely gorgeous! I'm ashamed to have held off so long. As I re-read this I notice it's taken me about seven minutes before I actually tasted it. It just smells so good.

These must be my favorite hops. All of them. Right here. Little bits of burnt buscuit malt fade in, followed by a mild spice on the tongue that later turns to a grassy after tone. Citrus hops bounce around the tongue upon breathing in. The spice gets a little stronger as it warms, but it's fast attacking and doesn't linger. Little bitter, little sweet, little girl I want to eat. The alcohol content, though not incredibly high, is super hidden too... just like the bodies in my basement.

It's quite a bit thick and creamy. Tastes so good that it just flows down. This brew doesn't retreat on you, either. It's sticking around. Is that what they call "syrupy"?

I can't really find any downside to this brew. It smells good, it tastes good, it feels good. Their site addresses this brew as a "drinkable imperial". Well, it's definitely that, and also a drinkable IPA as well. Very drinkable actually. Just smelling and tasting this reminds me of when I was a kid... ya know? Don't get me wrong, I wasn't drinking this out of my baby bottle or mum's tit (I don't think!?). No, I think about how when I was younger and I would smell a beer like this and hold back. I did not know then what I know now. Hey, give me some credit though, I was only five at the time. 

"Larry", you are one exceptional brew!

Shipyard Applehead

Shipyard Applehead (2011)
Winter Seasonal - December through March (New Release)
12 fl. oz. / $1.85 USD / 4.5% ABV

About: "Master brewer Alan Pugsley has combined the subtle sweetness of cinnamon and apple with a clean, refreshing wheat ale to create a whole new beer experience. Malt: 2-Row British Pale Ale, Light Munich, Malted Wheat / Hops: Willamette, Hallertau / Yeast: Top-Fermenting English." 

Thoughts: Poured a very light and translucent Granny Smith apple green with a ton of carbonation bubbles going crazy and a little white head that vanished in an instant. 

Hmm. Smells pretty good actually. The spices and brew base are obviously a clone of their Pumpkinhead, except this smells really fresh. Incredibly fresh even, and even like a McDonald's apple pie (is that a contradiction?). Haven't had one of those in about fifteen years but this smells like I remember them.

Huh. Not sure if the smell trumps the taste, but that was the first thought that popped into my tiny brain, so it must, right? The smell actually closely resembles the taste and though pretty watered down feeling, there is this incredible little burst of pie crust that's coming through and quite simply saves the beer from the (b)land of oblivion. Must be the wheat background! The spices aren't bad or overpowering, and it tastes clean. It's sweet, and not at all sour.

This is pretty damn watery. Thin. And most surely gets boring after one beer.

Well, I finally broke down and tried it. I'm pretty hard to please when it comes to Apples, Cider and especially Beer with "apples". This beer isn't horrendous though. It's a great deal better than their lazy ass production of Pumpkinhead beers from last year. What, did it all just become too routine? "The zombie hordes will still buy it even if we don't try." This Applehead tastes like it would be on tap, freshly popped like a new cherry. I guess that's the key: a little effort. It is after all a new product. Will this beer steadily decline in quality over the next year or two? I guess we'll see.

Innis and Gunn Holiday Box

Innis and Gunn Holiday Box (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by Innis And Gunn Brewing Co., in Edinburgh, Scotland. UK.
- 1 x 11.2 fl. oz. Bottle Original 6.6% ABV
- 1 x 11.2 fl. oz. Bottle Rum Cask 7.4% ABV
- 1 x 11.2 fl. oz. Bottle Winter Beer 7.4% ABV
- 1 x Branded Glass (with Company Logo)
Box Set Price: $8.99 USD

So let's check these beers out!

Innis and Gunn's Oak Aged Winter Beer 2011 (2011)
Brewed Once (Extremely Limited Release)
11.2 fl. oz. / 7.4% ABV

About: "Carefully matured for 48 days prior to release. Mellow Scottish beer with natural notes of orange zest, vanilla and oak. It is perfect for the cold dark nights of winter, a beer to be sipped, savoured and appreciated."

Thoughts: Poured a dark and hazy reddish auburn with an off-white and small puffy head.

Smells delicious. And pretty spicy, like pepper. There's that definite trademark Innis and Gunn scent. The hops really shine through, yet don't overwhelm. You can definitely smell the oak.

It's just as they describe. Orange zest and vanilla. It sure is an interesting taste I must say. A bit eye opening when it first hits you. Total flavor explosion in the mouth. The orange zest taste is actually pretty remarkable. I've eating orange peel on various occasions and it really is like that. Getting a good amount of the oak here. Loads of vanilla mixed throughout. Very nice balance with the malt backup and those flavorful hops bouncing around.

Medium and a little bit lingering.

They say this one is "mellow" and after trying the Rum and Whiskey Cask brews, yeah, it sure is mellow compared to those two. Compared to other beers though, such as standard US lagers, it is anything but.

Innis and Gunn's Original Oak Aged  Beer (2011)
Rotating (Year Round)
11.2 fl. oz. / 6.6% ABV

About: "Carefully matured for 77 days prior to release. To age our beer we use hand-cut American White Oak barrels, which retain an unbeatable richness of flavour deep inside the grain; vanilla, citrus and toffee.

The finest barrels are hand picked in Kentucky, before being heaved over to Scotland. They are then meticulously tended and checked by our coopers, before being filled with our beer. The barrels can only ever be used once. Any more and we just don't get the same delicious character from them."

Thoughts: Poured a pretty light amber orange with a one inch white fluffy head. This beer is very transparent. I can see the mirrored letters I'm typing through the looking glass. 

Smells quite strong. Vanilla and honey, and little bit of dad's old rum and cokes. The oak is really nicely embedded in this.

The oak hits first, and this beer lets loose with total flavor! Damn is it good. Very woody and there's that splendid vanilla toffee backdrop. It's like a malty caramel candy with a tingling underlying spiciness. 

It's a lighter medium that goes down moderately fizzy and quite smooth.

There's a slight buttery aftertaste which is very welcome.

Innis and Gunn's Rum Cask Oak Aged  Beer (2011)
Rotating (Year Round)
11.2 fl. oz. / 7.4% ABV
Original review HERE.

About: "Carefully matured for 57 days prior to release. Maturation in special oak barrels imparts Navy rums with the sweet, spicy character for which they are renowned."

Thoughts: Filled the glass with a dark raspberry that looks more of a light ruby red in the direct light, with a fluffy tan head that left a puddle of foam on the side. 

Smells of their original brew, only heavier, and everything is more pronounced.

Compared to their Original brew, this one is a lot sweeter thanks to that Rum Cask. In addition to their trademark style, this brew really releases a dark fruit type tone throughout. It's sweet, smokey, buttery, woody and grand.

Medium and still spicy on the tongue. Doesn't go down as smooth as their original, but pay no mind to that because it's not supposed to.

Yeah, the Rum Cask is still my favorite of theirs. Still, I've only tried three of their brews now so far and if I ever come across one I haven't tried, believe me it will be purchased on sight!

Final Thoughts: Totally unbeatable price for 33 oz. and that cool ass glass. The box is really nice quality and artistically designed very well. If you've never tried any Innis and Gunn beers, then this is the very best starting point to do so. These beers have never disappointed me, and I doubt very much that they'll disappoint you. And hell, sometimes you've got to go out and buy yourself a present when nobody else will.

December 24, 2011

Heavy Seas Mutiny Fleet Yule Tide

Heavy Seas Mutiny Fleet Yule Tide Belgian Style Tripel Ale (2010)
Brewed and Bottled by The Clipper City Brewing Company in Baltimore, Maryland. USA.
Winter Seasonal (Limited Release) - RETIRED
22 fl. oz. / $6.49 USD / 10.0% ABV

About: "Slightly sweet with a complex malty flavor. The spicy flavor comes from our unique blend of Trappist yeast and Belgian Candi Sugar, making it both aromatic and flavorful. It will benefit with aging up to two years. Vintage Dated." This version of the brew has been discontinued. The Yule Tide name will live on, just not in the form of a Tripel.

Thoughts: Poured a super light straw yellow with a huge fluffy white head that grew and grew... and continued to grow! Lot of carbonation bubbles rising all over the place.

Smells like Pineapple Juice! Little bit of sour hops. Yeasty. Very fruity. Really, this smells absurdly like Dole Pineapple Slices, especially after you finish a small can and down the remaining juice.

Starts off with a taste like the smell, then a malty slowly but heavily flows in, upon swallowing there's a real spicy kick that scratched at my throat. Let's try that again: Loads of sweet spicy hops, caramel like malts soothe things out and afterwards there's a gentle, semi-sweet bitterness. One great thing I'm finding about the taste of this is that's it's in no way sour at all like I had feared from the scent. More of a sweeter, sweet and sour sauce. Not even really bitter either. Just tropical and sweet. I can still taste of bit of that Belgian yeast which always makes itself apparent, but the main thing I'm getting here is just a pure enjoyment from this brew.

Smooth flowing. No bite at all. Pretty syrupy. A little bit spicy on the tongue, but very mild overall.

I've never had a beer like this I don't think. I like it. I mean, I love pineapple and all that. I don't know if I'm dumbfounded or confused by it or what, but I'm very glad that I had no previous knowledge on what to expect from this. I'm left wondering how the hell is this beer so damn good and what kind of power does Heavy Seas have over me!? It's damn smooth! I'm halfway though and I could seriously just chug the rest of it. Overall an enjoyable, strange and interesting experience. Therefore, recommended. Not really sure how this is Christmas-y, but uh, after tasting this and all the rest from the bunch I don't know what a fuckin' Christmas Beer is supposed to be! Except for Frosted Frog. The only true Christmas-y brew.

December 23, 2011

Like a Nightmare.

I feel the despair... Cared so much that I couldn't care
Blackout time, can't stand to be aware
It's not about what I want, it's about what's Fair!
This is my burden to Bare. When I see you girl can't help but Stare,
Wanna Tear. My nostrils Flarin' up, not gonna Share my cup
Just gonna turn it up and come outta that dark room
Stalkin all fucked up, 'bout to Upchuck my gut...

Feel stuck in this land, gotta muck my hand
The Joker's laughing at me and it's more than I can stand
This ain't the MGM Grand, more like Circus-Circus
And I'm feelin' more like John Wayne Gacy or Anthony Perkins, Circa 1978,
Lookin' at you through a hole in the wall while I masturbate in colorful face paint!
Laughin' all the way to the blood bank, that's where I Fill up
Shuffle up and Deal it up... but I can't even feel or deal
Too apathetic to even steal Emotions, just give me the shot
And strap me down before I go into Convulsions!
I'm tired of going through the motions, Wake up and slap the lotion
Hit the bottle of that magic potion, How's this for a fucked up notion?
Is it really worth it to not give a fuck? That's too much work in itself.
I should just kill myself. BLAM!

Finally...! The dealer's been dealt, and finally something I've never felt
Watch my mouth bleed and my face melt. Like I was in Slime City
or Street Trash, murdering hobos with a Sharp Femur Bone or a Whiskey Flask
Takin' it to the back alleys, Screaming In Pain!
Can't get those torturous voices out of my brain... But I must sustain.
Give me some cursed Himalayan yogurt stronger than LSD,
Some Green Wine and a Black Cloak and Let Me Become He.
So I can finally see. Is this my destiny? Should I cut up and gut up the rest of me?

Its a ritual of uneartly and selfish delights, Allow me to share my insights
But beware because my mind You See, it fights with itself
And it frightens itself. I don't even know where my mind is headed
I'm fueled by that 151 shit fuck the unleaded I'm gonna Down It
Drown in it, fuckin' get Deaded, Find a pair of legs and get 'em Spreaded
Bitch ya just got Bedded and Bledded - Beheaded - Shit got me Wetted
No Sweated, and I Fledded, into the Shadowy Dark
Wearing her face as a mask, taking a stroll through the park
Heard a dog bark and it's speakin' my language
Tellin' me "Go out cause widespread panic and anguish!"
It's the Summer of Lust and Sam I am, Fuck a master-plan...

...Just let things happen, a little anarchy to get things Crackin'
I came here for two things: To hear asses clappin' and get necks a snappin'
But instead I think I'll strangle her slow, give her that purple glow
As I whisper sweet things "baby you know that I'll never let go"
Now isn't that a beautiful sight, say I think I may nay I think I might
Adorn my furnature with your flesh and bones tonight.

- © Erik (D[runk]ethWiz{n}rd) (2010)

December 22, 2011

Jolly Pumpkin Noel de Calabaza

Jolly Pumpkin Noel de Calabaza - Oak Aged Bottle Conditioned Special Ale (2011)
Brewed and Bottled by Jolly Pumpkin Artisan Ales LLC, in Dexter, Michigan. USA.
Winter Seasonal (Limited Release)
25.4 fl. oz. / $14.99 USD / 9.0% ABV

About: "Belgian Christmas ale aged in oak barrels. Deep mahogany and malty, it offers Layered Hops, Figs, Raisins, Sugar Plums, Cashews Betwixt Rum Laden Truffles."

Thoughts: I had to grab this one. A Jack-O-Lantern with a Christmas cap covered in snow? Heeeelll Yeeeeaaahh... as I popped the cap, it went flying! There's some yeast around the inside of the cap, foaming. I stop, and say a backwards prayer to Lord Glenn Danzig, before setting out to get that feeling he doesn't tend to indulge in: Un-sober.

Poured a dark, very murky, brownish-orange that looked a quite grim actually. It had a huge, fluffy egg-nog white head that was all small beautiful bubbles hiding underneath a thick froth. Thousands of carbonation bubbles rapidly float upward all around the edge of the mug. There's still one-fourth left in the bottom of the bottle that I'll pour in once it's warmed up a bit. 

All the voices in my head agree, this smells pretty awesome. It's not jumping out at me like a hurled pumpkin to the back of the dome, but it definitely smells of a Pumpkin type beer (note: there's apparently no pumpkin in this). Sweet and a little bit spicy at first, the more I take it in I start to notice flowery hops. Very earthy and like a fruity pulp.

Light spices... spices... alcohol shock to the facial nerves!... mellowing, pop of hops... second taste: getting fruity tones all around, a malty sensation starts to flow in, then a little bit of sour mash or yeast. After another high alcohol tinge, some sweet sugary candy fruits come through, and then are backed up by those sour, flowery hops. Tasting the air in my mouth a bit and I'm getting freshly cut grass. Cherries. Granny Smith Apples. This is what Mad Elf should have tasted like. The flowery hops (perhaps that strong, sour yeast) are distracting me a bit, overall lowering the score on this one, but it more than makes up for it with the other flavors. If there are those dastardly Saaz hops in this, they're present but laying low just enough.

Thick and frothy. Very giving in the puckering effect department.

It's a bit tart for me. Aftertaste is the wood from that oak barrel. It's all interesting and a sensation in itself, but the semi-overwhelming sourness puts a harness on this rabid weasel!

Alright, pouring the rest in. There were only a few little pits and pieces floating around earlier on, and it hasn't seemed to change this time around. Though, it's really hard to tell as the brew may appear a little lighter from an angle, once you try to look through it the middle turns darker than dark. It's not the most balanced that it could probably be, but the malts do a fine job of holding that sour back a bit... not much, but a bit. The malts and spices (that aren't heavy, nor peppery) save this brew from complete disaster. That yeast is strong! And whatever hops they used didn't exactly help matters. Thankfully it seems it all has worked out in the end, aside from a dry raspy feeling I'm gettin' in my throat right about now from talkin' so much.

December 21, 2011

Agent Of Chaos.

Let the cards fall where they may! You wanna play? ...let's play.
Today's the day that I slay. No way you say? Motherfuckers gang way.
'Cuz I lay... Little Bitches to Rest. It's no test - the Sick Shit is comin' up next
I got stressed again, made a Mess! So Don't Change That Dial
And check out this smile, on the news programs you'll see Death for Miles
Bodies layin' in Piles while I laugh out loud, and behind you a big Fuckin' mushroom cloud! 

Now watch 'em all Panic get Manic and go Delirious, Just the way I like it Why's Everyone So Serious!?
I got a cookbook of Anarchy... and tonight's recipe is Insanity!
Serving up Death on a silver platter, and ain't no joke I'm as mad as hatter.
Brains splatter! When I hit up a Jack in a Box, that shit goes tick-tock
Opens up and tears down blocks, Leavin' motherfuckers in nothing but Orange Halloween Socks.

I get my Purple Suits tailor made out of suede, I get paid and laid not afraid, I got blades
Hidden all over my shit, Nothin' in my pockets but knives and Lint, My look's Mint 
Even got that Green Tint on the curls, Face-Paint on my Girls
Cosmetics don't sweat it, just bust out laughing, Accept it, 
Got balloons and Toys Filled with Mustard Gas when they deploy 
killing all the Little Girls and boys and on their faces you'll notice a look of Joy
That's my Signature Move right there, I'm All Class!
I'll lock you in a room made of plate glass with no Gas-mask, See, my knowledge is Vast
Concerning instruments of Doom, I'll turn an amusement park into a Burial Tomb
The Roller Coaster goes Ka-Boom! and the cart Derails
Watch the bodies fall like hale in the trails, no bail your seat belt locks fail
as you fishtail off of the Tracks, and I laugh so hard my Facepaint Cracks!

But I'm not dressed this way for Festivities, I'm out committing dangerous Activities
Got a big white grin with no Cavities, and a Three-Foot handgun causin' Casualties
And I'm burning all Currencies, It's not about money...
It's about sending a message, What, did I say something funny?
Laugh all your way to the Grave, that's my style! When I pull all the stops they all call me Vile
Beyond Redemption and there's no Exception, Do you think I planned it? It was all Deception!
Do I look like a man with a plan? Stand back and be amazed by my Sleight of Hand, I demand
Motherfucker's respect, and if they don't kick back I leave a card from my deck, that's your neck.
Kiss your life goodbye, Where's your head? In the Fuckin' Sky!

Guess the joke's on you, now isn't that Ironic...
Let me wash your death down with some Gin and Tonic
I suffer from a Chronic, Fiending for Gruesome Shit
Bring on the terror get a fuze lit and then split, slip away and watch the fireworks blast!
I think fast and laugh with a Rasp while you Gasp and Grasp for air but your last breath is Near
I can taste the Fear, Lettin' motherfuckers know The Dark Prince is here!

- © Erik (D[runk]ethWiz{n}rd) (2010)

December 20, 2011

Lust Eternal.

When you see me rising up from the motherfucking grave
The situation's severe, I must be feeling Enslaved
I got that Rotgut creeping through my entire system
Eating so many brains that I'm startin' to piss 'em
You see me outside of your window causing panic attacks
Got Demon Lust in my eyes as I start breaking the glass
Grabbing you by the hair and now I'm pulling you near me
As I Bite into your flesh your screaming shows that you Fear me!
Now you've got jugular wine running down your sweet breasts
For the infection within, you should be feeling Blessed
I wanted this forever, just to feel you Inside
I'll be a part of you ever since the day you had died

Now I'm a warm blooded motherfucker doin' shit cold
Got a Double-Edged Axe, Silver Jewelry, no gold
Gleamin' in the moonlight when I strike from behind you
I don't need to lurk in shadows Bitch I know where to find you
Street corners and back alleys lead me to my obsession
My Confession? I suffer from Demonic Possession!
Got Depression... that's why I hit up the local tavern
And pick up a new honey to drag back to my cavern
When she's tied down firm, I can work with precision
Taking time to make all of those vicious incisions
My intentions are Grim and I just can't believe Never
That you wouldn't be mine, my darling now it's Forever!

I'll caress your warm skin as I get ritualistic
Committing Black Magic Rites so motherfuckin' Sadistic
You'll be squirming in delight and letting out silent screams
And just when you think it's not at all what it seems
I'll bust out with an Amulet and Double-Edged Knife
Praising the Dark Lord, making you Satan's new wife
Now let the goat's blood flow so we can all share a cup
And remove that black gown before this Orgy erupts!

Blood... nurtures Evil's dormant seed
I travel though the dark nights with a need to feed
Watching a sweet young thing bleed is my only desire
And when I taste that first drop I feel my body on fire
See I'm the Puppet Master right now and I'm pulling the strings
I was only sixteen years young when I got my blood wings
Now I got that sinister urge and it can't be controlled
When you feel my lips upon you the sensation is cold
Your body shivers when you offer up to me your last breath
I made a promise Lust Eternal when I gave to you death

Now I'm inside you forever and that's where I'll remain
A fucked up love just like ours is beautifully insane!


- © Erik (D[runk]ethWiz{n}rd) (2010)
My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.