February 28, 2013

Cisco Brewers Island Reserve Pumple Drumkin

Cisco Brewers Island Reserve Pumple Drumkin - Ale brewed with smoked pumpkins and spices then aged in ex rum barrels (2013)
Limited Release.
25.4 fl. oz. / $10.99 USD / ?% ABV

About: No description available. This is a barrel aged version of their Pumple Drumkin pumpkin ale.

Thoughts: A brand new Pumpkin beer released in the middle of February!? Hot damn.

Poured a dark amber orange that's a total and complete haze. The head is surprisingly long lasting and puffy for a barrel aged beer. I wonder how long this one was in them? O_o

First whiff I got it smelt pretty crisp and fresh, and the second whiff... old funky rubber. Shite. Alright, poured a little more into the glass and that rubbery smell died down a little bit. It kinda reminded me of Sailor Jerry rum for a second there. That stuff reeks and tastes of rubbery funk. It's like they dropped a couple nips into a big portion of their pumpkin ale. I'm getting bits of spice  not at all reminiscent of a pumpkin pie... but rather raw pumpkin. It's got a bit of smoke, a little bit of a char, a touch of tapioca, and a fruity orange zest. Weird stuff.

First gulp. Ugh... tastes like someone lit my old He-Man toys on fire. This beer tastes mostly like dank wood. Once swallowed a huge blast of smoke hits and lingers around while a dry bitterness floats around. Aside from the smoke and bitter grime, there's really no kick to this at all. No strength flavors from the rum at all... aside from the rubber. This is some pretty bland stuff. The spices are only somewhat identifiable. It doesn't taste all that good and it leaves a grimy taste on the back of the tongue.

This beer is incredibly light. It fluffs and seemingly melts away. After effects are slightly drying.

Yeah, this stuff is pretty weak. Either something went horribly wrong, or these guys need to refine their recipe and "aging" process. Switching to a different type of rum barrel would be my first suggestion. I actually spoke to a Cisco Brewers rep at the liquor store last September and he seemed pretty excited about the company putting out this Island Reserve version of their pumpkin beer. Pretty sad how everything turned out.

February 26, 2013

Het Anker Lucifer

Brouwerij Het Anker Lucifer - Belgian Pale Ale (2013)
Brewed and Bottled by Brouwerij Het Anker in Mechelen, Belgium.
Year Round Brew.
25.4 fl. oz. / $9.99 USD / 8% ABV

About: "Lucifer entered the market in the mid 1980s under the label of Liefmans breweries. It was an extension to the popular segment of strong, blonde beers. After Liefmans Breweries disappeared, Lucifer fell into the hands of our neighbours and friends Duvel Moortgat. However, they only wished to concentrate on Liefmans’ fruit beers. Lucifer was in danger of dying a silent death. But we didn’t let it get that far, our conscience couldn’t allow this to happen. Het Anker received the right to produce and commercialise Lucifer. May we roast in hell if it doesn’t follow the success of our own beers!

Lucifer, as the name might suggest, is similar to Duvel. Ok... A Belgian golden, it has sweet malt and a light fruitiness on the nose. The flavor is quite delicate, with a nice bready sweetness up front, a light fruitiness throughout, and long dry finish. Hops: Magnum, Spalt, Saaz"

Thoughts: Today is my son's birthday. He's almost two days days old. Fuck to the yeah! So I thought I'd celebrate tonight with the beer I named him after. Loud ass pop off of the cork. Simple enough pull with a little snug, but not too slippery or stuck... if you know what I mean! Smoke comes firing out. Much like the hell-fire of a newly condemned soul thrown into an unforgiving world of despair.

Well son of the morning star, if this ale isn't a lot lighter than I had expected it to be. Not that I assumed it would be blood red, but... with a name like Lucifer, I figured it would at least be RTTDD. Absolutely massive head on this! It... just... won't... die. Down, that is. Total fluff. This has to be the whitest head I've ever seen on a beer. There's an insane amount of carbonation rising up. The brew is a total cloud of dirty yellow color. Major lacing all around.

The scent is immediately crisp, fruity, no doubt of the Belgian variety. It smells very refreshing, and a little bit spicy. Need I say... tempting? This really is one beautiful smelling beer no doubt about it. It bounces all over the place but at the same time remains in the same spot, like a figure 8.

Taste is just like the scents. It's slightly dank, rustic, tingling, enticing, fruity, zinging, and the flavors just bounce around in the mouth like Q*Bert on a 3-D pyramid pedestal. It's not overly sweet or wrecking, nor is it dull or lousy in any way, in fact, Lucifer tastes fucking great. It feels good and is you can tell immediately that it's a well crafted and cared for beer. It's got a gentle spice, and after the swallow it's a total mellow feel. This beer tastes not only awesome, but it light as a feather while leaving you stiff as a board.

Mouth feel has a heavy foamy feel when you keep it inside for a while. This stuff puffs out quickly. It does go down smooth as HELL though, and leaves a crisp, almost drying sensation. I didn't know that this was a Pale Ale going into it, but I haven't had too many like this for a while... especially strong ones with Belgian influence. The taste was like one big flashback to my past. Not only did this beer surprise me, but it enlightened me as well.

February 24, 2013

Favorite Death Scenes Part 5

Peepholes have always somewhat creeped me out. Perhaps it could be that I find the fisheye lens to be particularly disturbing to my already warped brain chemistry, I'm not really sure. That, and I've never been all too fond of pressing my eyeball against something to get a closer look. Is that what you call science? How about some better technology already. What, are you waiting for evolution to give our eyes X-Ray vision!? Ever since I was a child, people have been shoving my face into View-Masters and Kaleidoscopes, Microscopes and Telescopes, Virtual Reality Headsets and Binoculars. Fuck binoculars! I crawl through girl's windows like a real creeper and have no use for such tools of restraint. Sorry I went off on a tangent there. Peepholes and more notably the acts of voyeurism concerning them have been focal points of numerous films and television programs. It's almost as if the motion picture industry was obsessed with this invention. And horror film directors, the really good ones anyways, seem to be intent on bringing as much eye violence into your field of vision as possible. 

Which brings me to Dario Argento's 1987 film Opera, aka Terror at the Opera. That's where the connection between peepholes, eye violence and voyeurism comes in, with the viewer playing the role of voyeur as this shockingly gruesome event plays out. Betty was an alternate who became the lead in Macbeth after the original singer's "accident" left her notes a bit... flat! ;) Soon she's caught up not only in the pressure of rising to fame and thriving for excellence, but also the anxiety and sheer terror of being stalked by an obsessive maniac who's killing everyone close to her. Enter Myra (Daria Nicolodi), Betty's agent and friend, who comes to her aid during a desperate and confusing time. Locked in an apartment together, with perhaps a killer posing as a detective inside and outside, the lights go dim and there's a knock at the door.

Myra clings to a knife while pressing her face to the door and demands that the strange man show his face. He insists that he's an officer of the law and shines a flashlight off an ID that gleams so brightly you can't see a thing. She accuses him of lying and says that "anyone can get one of those" and that "it's a fake!" With all the muffled tenacity of Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, the man responds with "Look, my gun!" and shows his weapon.

Myra starts flipping out and gets a bit more demanding, "No! Not the gun. I want to see your FACE again!". By this point the man has had enough. He presses the barrel up against the peephole and squeezes the trigger, blasting a shot right through Myra's fuckin' eyeball. The bullet exits out the back of her skull and rips apart the telephone in the background, ending any chance of Betty calling the police. How unlucky.

The awesomeness of this scene alone is amplified to an even more interesting and disturbing realm by the special effects involved, and a story shared by actress Daria Nicolodi. In the extras (Conducting Dario Argento's Opera, as well as in other documentaries about his films) we're shown the large scale model of what they used as the inside of the peephole. A huge, long open cylinder was built with a thin pane of glass in front and a firing mechanism that shot an over-sized bullet through it at hyper speed. A special camera that filmed at a very high FPS rate was required to capture this incredibly short but ambitious SFX shot. This is one of the cool little things that Dario Argento is known for going out of his way just to do for the sake of doing what he dreams and having fun.

At the time of this film's production, Daria Nicolodi was convinced that Dario Argento had concocted some kind of diabolical plan to assassinate her on set and make it look like an accident. The falling out and end of their personal relationship had been a harsh and humiliating time for Daria. Problems with Argento's behavior towards her supposedly started during Tenebrae (which furthered her agitation from being continuously not cast in roles she desired, stemming as far back as Suspiria), but her breaking point was during the filming of Phenomena where she was made to look "sixty years old" and had to perform in "stupid and dangerous stunts" involving a chimp. She was convinced that Argento was trying to ruin her. Now they want to strap real dynamite to the back of her head and shoot a blowgun with a condom full of blood in her face.

She accepted this role because she loved the death scene, and was also able to re-write her own dialogue. It's obvious from reading interviews with her and listening to her speak on these documentaries that she was terrified by a few of the scenes she had to perform in. If Argento was out to get her (or if it was just some unfortunate politics), or if he was really out to KILL her... well, I don't think we'll ever know the absolute truth regarding this. Who knows? Maybe it's a mix of all three of those things. Bottom line is that I love this beautiful woman as an actress and she's one strong lady for staying true to the cinema even though she got screwed over on a few roles she was meant for. We'll always have Deep Red and Shock. Watch the scene HERE!

February 18, 2013

Another Beer Haul... and this time, it's Personal!

Another one!? Admitting I've got a problem is the first step in a long line of steps of me not giving a fuck. Why? Because just look at that picture. Would you just look at it! What an absolutely beautiful sight. Hey, what's in your fridge? I just dropped $55 on the sweet, delectable poisons below. I want that 3 Beans badge from UNTAPPD, so grabbing two cans of it was the initial reason I set out on a road trip this morning. Luckily Julio's had it in stock. After snagging those I ended up finding myself unable to resist the other pretty bottles. On the way home I stopped at Five Guys Burgers and Fries for the first time and grabbed a little bacon cheeseburger with everything and jalapenos. Shit was teh bomb.

Left to right: Sixpoint 3 Beans (x2) , Hoppin Frog's BA Frosted Frog Christmas Ale, Sierra Nevada Barrel Aged Bigfoot, Lucifer!, Stone Double Bastard and Troegs Nugget Nectar. I finally picked me up a bottle of Lucifer and I couldn't have done it at a better time since they just got rid of the old paper label and debuted a newer much badder-ass bottle printed label. I saw both of the labels at two different shops today (I mixed a six and bought the BA Bigfoot at another shop afterwards) and let me tell you. The old Lucifer paper label is nothin' compared to the new design. That bottle will sit upon my shelf for years! Hope you're drinkin' the good stuff tonight too.

February 17, 2013

Dogfish Head and Sierra Nevada Rhizing Bines

Dogfish Head and Sierra Nevada Rhizing Bines (2013)
Limited Collaboration Brew (Brewed Once).
25.4 fl. oz. / $13.69 USD / 8% ABV

About: "Deepening our bond with Sierra Nevada Brewing Co., forged with the 2009 collaboration Life and Limb, we've brewed an East-meets-West Imperial IPA called Rhizing Bines.

"We had a lot of fun brewing the original dark and roasty Life and Limb in Chico with the Grossmans and Sierra Nevada’s extended family," says Dogfish Head President and Founder Sam Calagione. “We are very proud of the way that beer turned out. Now it’s our turn to repay that hospitality and brew a very hop-centric IPA in Milton with our pals from Chico, incorporating innovative ingredients and techniques from both breweries.”

On the hot side, Rhizing Bines went through Dogfish’s signature continual-hopping process with floral and citrusy Bravo hops. On the cold side, it was dry-hopped with an experimental varietal so new it doesn’t yet have a name, just a number: Hop 644. A component of Sierra Nevada’s aroma-boosting Torpedo system made a pit-stop in Delaware for dry-hopping duty before it headed to Sierra’s new North Carolina brewery.

To celebrate Sierra Nevada planting East Coast roots, Dogfish Head tracked down a Carolina heirloom wheat grown and milled at Anson Mills. The soft red winter wheat contributes subtle sweet and nutty notes to this hop-forward ale.

The label for Rhizing Bines depicts the pairings behind this beer: two hop varietals, two yeast strains (Chico and Doggie), two unique hopping processes and two family-owned breweries. These bonds start at the root - or rhizome - and stretch throughout the mature bines."

Thoughts: Nice hiss off the cap. Color is a rich orange, slightly on the light side and there's a huge white puffy head on top that's lasting forever. The beer itself is very clear.

Smells pretty mild. There's an extremely clean water profile in this. It smells very refreshing too. There's a hint of spice which pops and expands as you breathe in for long periods. I was expecting more of a fierce hop forward brew, but what's actually here isn't bad at all either. It's very earthy and floral, mellow and sweet, citrusy and reminiscent of cold winds. There's a heavy caramel malt which is the most dominating factor here.

This tastes interesting. Very unique. Starts off really tangy, not sour at all, but - and I don't want to say dirty because it's very clean tasting - there's like a strange herbal, grapefruit coughdrop (no menthol) type vibe to it. It's fruity and somewhat bitter, displaying a lot of grapefruit and melon flavors. Maybe a little kiwi too. Not really traditional tasting IPA though, that's for sure. It's got a gentle sting after the swallow, and when you pucker up afterwards that's when the bitterness starts to pound away but it's not overbearing in the least. It's all really an easy drinking, slightly twangy offering. The hop profile in this beer is extremely mellow.

Mouth is a little watery, but it gets a minor foam to it when held for a while. Not really too thin either, and it's not drying at all so that's good. This beer leaves a bit of a raw taste in the mouth. Kinda nutty, but not like peanuts at all, more like macadamia nuts... and a bit like the smell of raw busted open figs.

This is one strange brew. It's got a cool story (bro) to it (check out the video HERE), but for me it's a one time deal. Especially for dat price! Being both a supporter of DFH and especially Sierra Nevada I'd say that this is a must buy at least to try out, but overall I just wasn't that into it. I am however interested to see what's in store for Hop 664 down the road though, and of course, would like to see more collaborations between these two breweries.

Narragansett Imperial India Pale Ale

Narragansett Private Stock Imperial India Pale Ale (2012)
New Release (Brewed Once).
22 fl. oz. / $5.99 USD / 8.6% ABV

About: "Celebrate ‘Gansett’s storied 122 years in business with the limited-edition Imperial IPA. Released in a 22-ounce bomber bottle, the IPA is chock-full of references to Narragansett’s anniversary. The label is styled after an early Private Stock Ale label used by the company when they began brewing ales in the late 1890s, which underscores ‘Gansett’s heritage as one of the original craft brewers in New England.

Narragansett Imperial IPA was crafted with the best of American and German ingredients, to reflect the great history and legacy behind the brand. We used American 2-row pale malt as the base for this beer, and German Specialty malts to build the back bone and flavor profile of this beer. Summit hops were used for all the kettle hopping, and then we used a mix of Northern Brewers, Hallertau, Tettanager, and Sazz hops at a rate of 2 lb.’s per bbl for our dry hopping."

Thoughts: Cool label. This one has a picture of the actual bottle on the label which has a picture of the bottle within the bottle. Trippy.

Poured a rich golden orange color with a slow to build but suddenly bursting slightly off white yellowish head which turned to a pile of mush. Carbonation is running rampant. The beer is really clear.

This beer smells incredible! Tons of citrus, hop oil, zesty and really fresh hops abundantly spiraling upwards into my nostrils turning my brain into a kaleidoscope of hopped up awesomeness.

Taste is very earthy hop, with tons of zest and a lot less sweetness than I thought there would be. Of course, it's very high on the IBU's, so I expected that, but the scent let on a bit more sweetness. Not a problem though. It's got a minor scolding burn to it, like I said tons and tons of raw zest on this one. It's got a decent sweetness to it that comes in up front, but that bitterness just blasts it with a steel gauntlet to the grill. It's also a little dirty tasting, which isn't really a bad thing here. This beer is raw, harsh and rugged. Instant aftertaste is a bit oily. Insane bitterness on the back of the tongue, which is super floral and not at all grassy in any way. Hints of a metallic tinge buzz in and fade off quickly. After a while some vegetable oil and green beans come through, mixed with some pineapple and tropical fruit juice.

It's a heavy medium, but goes down smooth. Be prepared for the after burn though, and stay strong.

For those who give Gansett a hard time or talk trash, this would be a good beer to shove down their gullets. I've enjoyed every one of their beers I've tried. Though I've only reviewed their FEST so far which I absolutely loved! This beer is a very manly addition to their repertoire. By far the bitterest beer I've ever had. Be forewarned.

Stone IPA and Cali-Belgique IPA

Stone IPA - India Pale Ale (2012)
Year Round Brew.
22 fl. oz. / $4.99 USD / 6.9% ABV

About: "You'll find our Stone India Pale Ale to be true to style with a huge hop aroma, flavor and bitterness throughout. If you're a hop-head like us, then you'll love our Stone India Pale Ale! Medium malt character with a heavy dose of over the top hops! Generous "dry hopping" gives this beer its abundant hop aroma and crisp hop flavor. Hop Variety: Columbus, Chinook and Centennial."

Thoughts: Stone IPA poured a light yellowish golden hue and featured a huge white head that built slow and showed not a single sign of going anywhere. The brew is slightly hazy and there's a nice amount of carbonation rising up. Looking at the bottle before opening it I notice a lot of sediment on the bottom, I'll be pouring that in later.

As I poured it I immediately got hit with a huge pungent smack! I gave it a minute after pouring it in the glass and then leaned in cautiously. Alright, I'm getting a lot of citrus hops and some pine. It smells slightly sweet, but I've got a feeling it's not going to taste sweet at all.

Gentle bitterness, little bit soapy... spicy, hints of ginger on orange chicken, and there's a heavy haze of grassy grapefruit. That's about it. Doesn't taste boring, but it's not terribly exciting. For their standard IPA, it's decent start for anyone looking to try one of their brews. To me though, it feels as it it's missing a special something. It's not nearly indulgent enough. Then again, I'm a triple IPA kind of guy now so it's hard going back to the standards.

Mouth feel is very frothy, bubbly and fades smoothly as you swallow it.

Alright, pouring the rest with the junk at the bottom: Result is a slightly more flavorful brew, and a bit more balanced, if that's possible. Not sure how it happened either, but it's a lot smoother as well. This beer is fairly inoffensive, and wait, what happened at the end... that sweetness that I never thought I'd taste? There it is. Minimal as it is, there's a candy coated finish on the bomber. This is most likely the first and last time I'll ever buy this... but it'll help give me some perspective on some of Stone's other beers which I'm soon to try out, and for a lonely couple of them, revisit.

Stone Cali-Belgique IPA (2013)
Year Round Beer.
22 fl. oz. / $5.69 USD  / 6.9% ABV

About: "When reading the name "Stone Cali-Belgique IPA", "Cali" hints that it is a California-style IPA, and this brew has an undeniable Belgian influence, indicated by the word "Belgique" (which is how Belgium's French-speaking population says the word "Belgian"; the Dutch-speaking Belgians say "België"). We carefully selected a Belgian yeast strain that illuminates a fascinating new aspect of the beer that is otherwise quite simply Stone IPA. The result is both completely new and different, while still being recognizable as a Stone brew - and Stone IPA in particular. Think of it as an otherwise identical twin to Stone IPA that was raised in a Belgian culture. Literally. HOP VARIETY: Columbus, Chinook and Centennial"

Thoughts: Purchased and drank on 1/22/13 with an Enjoy by date of 2/22/13. Loud hiss on the cap. Poured a golden yellow color with a shade of orange in there, and a smaller than expected white head that fizzled down into four puddles and a foamy ring around the glass.

Smells a little bit light. It's not as hop forward as their regular IPA, but it still smells really sweet and the addition of Belgian yeast is very harmonious. Getting a lot of peppery spice and everything seems to be flowing smoothly. It gets pretty dank after a while too. While this brew does have a solid scent to it, it's not really popping too much.

The taste is really gentle with tons of sweetness up front and then a heavy bitterness that builds up rapidly. There's a lot of citrus here, mostly lemon, maybe some tangerine, but also a bit of grapefruit on the end of it. There's no sting to the beer, but there is a mellow buzzing to it which is enjoyable and fun. It's pretty cool how it starts out really sweet but then the bitterness hits and gives it a nice balance of flavors.

Basically this is a really affordable beer that was made well and tastes pretty good for a different version on their standard, less celebrated beer. While it's an interesting take on their IPA, it's nothing truly remarkable (when compared to their better offerings I mean). It tastes really good overall, and I can't complain as it's all enjoyable.

This is a really laid back and relaxed beer, very reminiscent of the beach bum California lifestyle... but with a little twist.

February 16, 2013

Check out my latest brew haul.

Fuckin' A Right! The local bottle shop threw about 200 12 oz bottles up on a shelf mixed together in unmarked six packs all with a barcode listed as $4.99. Most of the beers were shit (stuff like Mike's Light Lemonade, Miller Light and a bunch of random forgettable garbage), so I started searching through, eyeing bottlecaps, then picking and choosing. I segregated the beers I wanted and ended up mixing and matching my own two twelve packs with two Great Divide Yeti Imperial Stouts, two Hop Noirs, two Stone Ruinations, and a Sam Adams Blackberry Wit for the hell of it (all not pictured and already drank)...

...but more importantly, the five beers I was thrilled to come across were: two 2012 bottles of Mad Elf, and a few 2012 DFH brews (all pictured above). These five beers alone go for about ten bucks or more together, so consider the other seven beers freebies. I also laid down some cash on a Founder's Bolt Cutter ($25.99!), DFH and SN Rhizing Bines ($13.69) and a Founder's Imperial Stout 4-Pack ($11.99). The SN Ruthless Rye glass was a gift from my favorite bartender this past Valentine's Day. She's awesome!

Ithaca Flower Power IPA

Ithaca Flower Power IPA (2013)
Year Round Beer.
12 fl. oz. (x3) / $6.87 USD / 7.5% ABV

About: "Enjoy the clover honey hue and tropical nose. Simultaneously Punchy and soothing with a big body and a finish that boasts pineapple and grapefruit. Flower power is hopped and dry-hopped five different times throughout the brewing and fermentation process. Malts: 2-Row, Honey Malt / Hops: Simcoe, Cascade, Ahtanum, Centennial / Dry-Hop: Simcoe, Amarillo, Chinook / Suggested Food Pairing: Accentuates hot and spicy cuisine like Indian and Thai curries or Mexican / Recommended Cheese Pairing: Strong cheeses like Stilton, Danish Blue or Gorgonzola."

Thoughts: There's no ABV listed on these bottles or the box. Unholy hell the bottlecaps on these are hard to crack. Like many, but not all of my other beer reviews, this is my first time trying Flower Power. It's incredible how fast this stuff sells out around here. People go nuts for it, seriously. Let's see what all the fuss is about.

Poured a hazy, honey yellow which was lighter than I had been expecting for some reason after popping that top and taking a quick whiff. It's got a fluffy ultra white one-finger head on top. Carbonation is a medium, and the bubbles are quick rising.

That is one mighty fine smelling IPA, let me fuckin' tell ya. Such a beautiful scent, right up there with the best of them. Loads of hops. It's sweet smelling, tons of tropical citrus and pine, with the absolute essence of oily hop resin. I want to smoke it, er, I mean drink it. It's so dank and flowery, and as I close my eyes I can imagine holding a hand full of whole cones and buds. It's spicy too. I'm getting a lot of pineapple, some pear, sweet oranges... I can't take this any longer!

Taste is not as sweet as I was hoping, very close, but alas a really nice balance is to be had here. The sweetness and the bitterness are frolicking together, hand in hand like a couple of dirty hippies. The bitterness is gentle and easy going, as is the spice, yet both are abundant, and that simple yet sweet malt profile holds it all together. There's a lot of strong hop oil that reverberates all throughout each swig and stays long after the beer has been gulped down. This stuff is fantastic... absolutely fantastic! And upon doing some research I find out that the ABV is 7.5%. Marvelous.

Mouth Feel is prickly, tickly and extremely coating. I'd definitely pick a few of these up again. That is, if I ever get to the right shop the day they stock it. I always see their other six packs just sitting there, but the Flower Power spot is always empty.

February 14, 2013

A few Valentine's Day Tips from Lamberto Bava.

"This one goes out to all of you DEMON LOVERS out there!"

Did you just read that with Issac Hayes's voice in your head? Sweet. I've always been a bit of a "hopeless romantic" when it comes to fucking hot sluts to death with my ivory tusk. Oh shit, wait... talking like that isn't romantic at all! What do I do on Valentine's Day again? Oh right. I wine and dine 'em, or something. Or was that, I wine and then dine on them? Muahahaha. No matter. Either way there's a lot of whining going on. Believe me. But I'm not here to talk about my night-vision window-piercing x-ray goggles and the quirky girl next door who constantly masturbates in front of her confused cat, no. I'm here to talk about love. Aww. Love, and Demons.

Demons is one bad mother - shut yo mouth - Bitch, I'm only talkin' bout Demons! Lamberto Bava's film Demons has taught me a lot about that crazy little thing called. Horny people get scratched up, have little itty-bitty Valentine's Day monster children birth out of their backs, and it's all a real crazy scene. Some chalk it up as mindless entertainment, but when you look closer, Demons is really a movie about couples, relationships and matters of the heart. Think I'm nuts yet? Here are some of the few romantic ideals and notions that director Lamberto Bava has taught me with his greatest triumph of film making: 

Hold your honey close to you.

Stay close to and hold your honeyz because you never know when one of them will break out with disgusting sores, oozing goo and attack you with claws-a-blazing. Take a look at George's face in the pic below. That's fear. Not from the scary movie on the screen, no way... that's "what the fuck did I just get myself into" fear! Cheryl isn't grasping onto his arm in fear either. That's the face of man-destroying determination. 

But it's all good while it lasts, at least in the beginning.

And you know something crazy exciting about the beginning of a stupid relationship with some ziti sweety you've just met?

Play your cards right and maybe you'll even get a blowjob!

Who doesn't want that? These two fine women above are all over it. Slot A or Tab B? That's the great thing about the variety of Demonic Whores out there brotha! They'll do it any way you like.

Hell, you can even fuck 'em with the TV on while a documentary of some Demon Outbreak plays out lifetime-style.

Don't want a girlfriend?

Then take your Favorite Prostitute out for a night on the town!

C'mon, everybody's got a favorite. You can bring extra "friends" if you like, just to take the edge off... but in the end you know who you're attached to. Why worry about the other fuckers? Life is shit and you know it. Now go have some fun. Be young, dumb and... if the night goes right ...not full of cum. Unless you're a grrl. I guess. Meh.

Cheating on someone this Valentines Day?

They don't call it VD for nothin'.
Try not to get tongue twisted... or strangled to death in the process.

And if you can't get a date this Valentines Day, as least you can still:
HANG OUT by yourself.

All the girls will be talking about how well hung you are the next day. (I tell lame jokes a lot, but even this one is pushing it).

Yeah, all the girls and that one guy in the tan suit and tie in the background there.

No matter how bad it gets...
Remember, things could be a lot worse:

Yeah. Fuck Valentines Day!

February 10, 2013

The Final Bosses, Coke Fiends and Sluts of Demons! (1985)

Lamberto Bava's Demons isn't just a freaky movie filled to the brim with demented scenes of blood drenched grue. It's also got a lot of humor, a little sensuality and a lot of butt kicking action. Oh, you don't remember it that way? "Loud heavy metal music, a lot of green drool and people getting ripped to shreds." Sure, sure... there's a lot of that too, I agree. But there's so much more! You don't have to take my word for it, but it is always advised that you do so. I've even provided pictures to help illustrate my so-called points. So let's do this, here's:

6 Scenes of Snortin' and Slicin' from Demons (1985).

1. The Mask of Satan!

One thing about Demons that I've always found particularly hilarious is the fact that Hookers end up originally spreading the disease. I mean, how appropriate is that? Prostitutes unlock a plague that makes you bust out with oozing sores and destroys your brain! Good stuff. In the lobby of the Metropol theater, Rosemary puts on that silver demon mask and scratches herself. Because of that scratch she becomes a Demon. And an instrument, of Evil.

And the funny thing is, it happens just like in the damn movie they're watching! The movie within the movie's story reveals the prediction foretold by Nostradamus which is proclaimed as "the Coming of the Demons". After opening a tomb bearing his name, two lizard lovin' nerds and their lame girlfriends find an old book and something wrapped in cloth. That something happens to be a mask that looks eerily similar to the one Rosemary tried on earlier before the film started - only this one looks ancient.

As the movie rolls on we're told that whoever wears that mask becomes a Demon. Tony looks over at Rosemary and says "Now we know why you look so good in it." Ha. After the man pulls the mask from his face, there's a bloody scratch upon his cheek. Just at that moment, Rosemary's cheek begins bleeding again and she heads to the bathroom. Carmen mentions that the same thing that happened to Rosemary just happened in the movie, but since they're all completely baked out of their skulls, Tony just tells her that "Ahh it's a bunch of shit, baby." I never knew of any street drugs that make you so completely un-paranoid to some freaky ass coincidental shit like that happening, but perhaps Tony just wanted to keep his hoe from tripping out and harshing his buzz. He's cool like that.

"God damn it Rosemary, we're filmin' baby... quit callin' me Bobby!"

2. The Soda Machine Simple Pickup.

You're probably wondering why Karl Zinny is bent over with a grin on his face and Urbano Barberini is standing behind him rolling up his sleeves. Fear not, three readers, for an Elbow Deep Fanfic Bromance Novel is not in the works here at Beer and Horror Movies, oh no...

One of my very favorite scenes in Demons is the whole Soda Machine Fiasco where the girl's moneys get eaten up and they're unable to obtain their liquid satisfaction. Cheryl gets mad and accuses her friend Kathy of having bad luck with a harsh "These things only happen to you!", but little do they know that two suave and stalking young men across the room have been eyeing them the whole time. With naughty intentions of quenching their thirst with some "liquid satisfaction" of their own, the two dudes take time out from doing other manly things, to do even most manliest thing:

Get Coke, Fuck Bitches. That's right. "Hey Kenny... forget the bike!" Our heroes then proceed to saunter over towards the helpless and struggling damsels in distress. George is all man, totally confident and oozes machismo as he offers up a helping hand. Kenny stands silent while his bro goes to work, looking cooler than ranch dressing with that swag ass sweater tied over his shoulders.

George reaches across Cheryl's tit, grazing it as he slams the Soda Machine, causing the can to finally drop. Nice one! He then delivers an all time classic line, "Sometimes all it takes is the right touch.", all the while with a shit eating grin on his face. Damn smooth.

Kenny isn't as slick as his friend and does this totally creepish thing when he hands the can off to Kathy and tries to tickle her finger. She pulls away quickly with a bit of attitude, but you know she secretly liked it. Grabbing his Coke that is. Did you see that? Her hands were all over his big red Coke. Kenny you nerdly stud you. Looks like stuck-up cokey Kathy needs The Real Thing! If you know what I'm stalkin' about?

The Power!!!

Hey, speaking of Coke!

3. Punks sniff coke out of a Coca-Cola Can!

Lamberto Bava's Demons was the film that really busted my ravioli right open blew my mind at such a young and impressionable age. Ever since first seeing the movie I developed an addiction to snorting Coca-Cola out of the can. No joke. Going on ten plus years now, and it's all because of this scene. All the cool kids were doing it at the time, so I put on some totally out of place heavy metal music and said "What the hell, why not." At first it really burned, kinda like the reaction you'd experience to having the blood of a Demon drip down upon your face while steaming in a single-person sauna, but I got used to it after a while.

Little did I know that these fuckers weren't actually sniffing Soda out of the can, but rather white powdery Drugs! Now I've got severe acidic nostril damage due to my unfortunate misunderstanding of the night's events! It totally sucks. And what's worse, every time I see the Coca-Cola logo my nose starts running and snot drops all over the place, mostly onto my crotch as I'm trying to pick up girls drinking the stuff. By the time I start laying game it looks as if I've shot a load in my crusty trousers. I think I've got a solid case of "blame the movies" here. Let me know what you think. Anyways, where was I?

The punk leader, who goes by the classy name of Ripper, hogs most of the Coke out of the can while the other lowlifes sit back and get a bit desperate. Nina is handed the can (since she's the suck-up and of course has the all powerful vag a cute face) and starts snorting away. She only gets a snort or two before Baby Pig and Hot Dog get antsy and both grab for the can at the same time. The three of them all argue over who holds control of the drug filled can, eventually shaking it and spilling the substance all over the backseat of the car... and somehow into Nina's panties.

"What the FUCK!? Pick it up! Every last gram!"

Being a man with a passion not only for the contents of panties, but also drugs mysteriously creeping up vaginal crevices, I'll not argue the validity of this scene. No conspiracy theory here as to how Coke got into her panties. But it didn't just drop in there as the filmmakers would have you believe. Unless vaginas snort!? All the ladies in the house say yeah. Plus, I do believe that you've got to be wearing panties for something to get into them. Am I right? No matter the strange case we've got here, the fact is that Ripper's got trouble getting his dope back now, and he's none too happy about it.

4. "Oh look, Snow in the Valley."

During the Coke clean-up, Baby Pig looks over and notices that some of the white powder has dropped all over Nina's sweet unfastened breasts. He immediately sports wood and leans in, offering to clean it off of her... with a razor blade! "Maybe there's a little more further down." he quips. Piggy gently swipes the blade upwards across her juicy tit, slowly gathering up every flake of Coke. Then he beings grazing her nipple with the sexy gleaming object.

Nina likes it. She's getting wet. Any trace amount of Coke that had previously fallen into her panties is now splotchy glop by now, and her buzz has no doubt been heightened to the umpteenth degree. She bites her lip, licks her teeth and breathes heavily while this viewer sits back and strokes his throbbing hard on. Baby Pig blows her a kiss, winks and then gives her something that we've all been hoping for this whole time: With a gentle but firm ease, he cuts slightly into her heaving tit with the razor blade, drawing a single drip of blood. Man, this scene is Intense! Dirty... and not to mention, extremely hot. 

She of course flips the fuck out, but you can see it in her eyes that she loved every stinky second of it. She grabs him by the face, grating her teeth and grumbles "Wait'll I get near your prick, Piggy!" Uhg! Her bad attitude only turns BP on even more, as he smiles back at her and tells her that the shit in the air that night is making her so nice. Good line, I'm going to have to use that one sometime. Did I mention that all of this happens while Billy Idol's "White Wedding" plays in the background? Hell yeah.

5. Tony the Pimp pumps up the People!

Everybody loves Tony the Pimp. It's a fact! The dude is a fuckin' boss from the moment he steps onscreen, delivering an aura of badassness and a calm, quiet cool demeanor. Dig the shaved head with sideburns and horseshoe mustache look too. Tony the Pimp has something nearly every other dude in this movie doesn't, and that's style. Just look at that suit he's wearing... Gawd Dayumn! And along with that gold chain and dotted handkerchief he's sportin', dude is looking clean and mean boyee.

Tony the Pimp enjoys a moment of violence onscreen.

Tony the Pimp is a natural team leader too. It's only reasonable that he would be with the way he leads his two hoes around town, right? But you know the rare thing about this guy? He may be a bad ass motherfucker, but he's a bad ass motherfucker with a heart of gold. Just look at the way he treats his bitches. He's taking them to the cinema, and he ain't slappin' em... he's laughin' with em. Sure, Rosemary tests his limits with her stupidity a few times here and there, but it's all good. "Sit here and shut up" is about as harsh we see him get with the ladies.

And even then, that's who Tony the Pimp is. These girls may be hoes, but they're his hoes. Here's what the deal is: Tony enjoys himself because he's got the whole situation on lockdown, baby. Don't mistake that seemingly kind nature for weakness, as this dude is handy with a switchblade and will cut some dumb newbs up if they step to him wrong. Or if they fuck with his women. He may look bad, and act bad, and he most surely is bad to the boner, but he ain't dumb and he's not about to let a couple Demons come out on top when he's got power in numbers.

Tony the Pimp thinks with a rational and strategic state of mind, even under severe pressures. He's quick to assess the situation at hand and even faster to take charge of large, chaotic groups. When all of the moviegoers begin to freak the fuck out, Tony screams and even shakes a few ladies in the process, getting everyone's attention and brings up possible options of escape and/or defense. Not only does he calm everyone out of their hysteria, but he also makes smart suggestions such as "We'll all go up there together. If we stick together, nobody gets hurt." and "Hey kid, don't undo it... cut it!" as he hands George his bloody switchblade. And while he may be full of THC and wisdom, he's not above getting down and dirty while screaming "SMASH EVERYTHING! SMASH EVERYTHING!! SMASH EVERYTHING!!"

Unfortunately, Tony's good deeds and helpful nature are the two of his lesser badassly attributes that end up doing him in. While demonstrating (har har) the right way to break shit for the panicking peeps, he takes his focus off a Demon slut who takes a bite of his huge, leg sized cock. Damn! But get this... and this is the best part of the whole story I'm telling right now:

Not only does this slick motherfucker rally the people in a smart effort to survive the outbreak, but once he himself is turned, he ends up leading the small but growing, freakishly effective Demon Army to accumulate fresh victims. Unholy shit can this guy really work a crowd huh!? No matter what his intentions are, he's always on top of his game. And that's precisely why everyone loves Tony the Pimp.

6. The Motorbike Massacre!

George was just a man out on the town with his best bud Ken, lookin' to get the both of them laid by some bodacious chicks! They double-checked their inventory for the night, finding a half a joints worth of ragweed and a quarter ohh zee of the Schnappster. *ding* Figuring that was "decent" enough to score them some boo-tay, the two Virgin Killers headed out on the hunt for some hot babes. Little did they know that bloodthirsty Demons had inconveniently arrived to WORM their chicks away from them!!


But George wasn't about to let some zit faced goons worm in on his fresh nugs! With all the fury of a raging Caveman and a belly full of Talls, George went Mega Mountain Viper in reverse on all their demonic candy asses. Nobody is going to wheeze this guy's juice, even if it is pussy rich boy beer. He hopped atop his brand new Rad Mobile and took his blade to those crusty imbreeders. They just tried munching on the wrong dude's grindage, that's for sure.

George goes racing through the isles, flying through the air, slicing and dicing the meat group up into pieces. He's taking out Demons left, right and center with that Samurai sword and thus emerges as the hero of the film. He rescues a frightened Cheryl along the way and comes off looking bu-uuuufff as fu-uuucckkk, bud-dy. Then he starts fucking Demon Bitches to death with his sword and slicing their moppy melons off afterwards. This poor soulless creature below gets turned into a Pez Dispenser.

But this ain't Sin City, and it ain't Encino, man. Just call it the Stone(d) Age because this dude just got medieval on some demonic, mutated domes. That's it for the Demons post of the day. Ponder a while what has been discussed here, and I'll be back soon enough with more of the same old shit. So until then, keep a... Heads Up ...for more on Demons. Muauhahaha.

My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.