May 29, 2010

Film!: The Runaways

If I could ever stick my dick into a movie, this would be the one. That's precisely the thought that hit me a little past the half-way mark... and while the thought never really occurred to me before, the more I thought about it later, I discovered that it actually had before. Just never really in those words exactly. I had similar feelings when I was watching Jennifer's Body, but did I actually consider the movie some sort of fuckable object? I remember watching Dario Argento's film The Stendhal Syndrome and constantly finding my left hand roaming down the cornflower blue tie to inside the f'n khakis while I sat in my IKEA designed studio apartment. I was supposed to be selling that soap and not sticking into it too deep until it really stung... does that make me a freak? Well you can't confuse and you just can't choose what it's gonna do.

Alright, so it's probably no secret that I've been in love with Kristen Stewart ever since I spied through her bedroom window with my night vision goggles a few years back... and I may have mentioned once or twice in the past that I've got this unhealthy obsession with Dakota Fanning. Oh, and not to mention the fact that female lead singers, and chick bands in general, just f'n drive me into a spank frenzy. So when I heard about The Runaways (2010) I, well, basically I scorched my shorts. And then there were the news bits that came every other week... that it's 'raunchy as hell' being mainly the message. I'm hearing about Dakota's menstruation scene, then her and Kristen's lesbian make-out scene... so I'm seein' red and pink... then I come across this picture of KS in her patch-gear outfit and after I view the trailer, I've got the tunnel vision. That last one could have been caused by a mix of alcohol and binoculars however.

I was dying to see this movie at the cinema. When the official Limited release date came about I was all giddy and shit, checking online for anything near me... and nothing! Wouldn't you know it. What was this, like, two months ago? I was pissed off needless to say. There's not much really that gets my attention these days to this extent, and the film's distributors go and drop the ball majorly. I don't mind limited releases, but this movie is starring at present time, two of the most famous young ladies in the world and it's nowhere to be seen. Insanity? No matter, I finally got my hot shot and as of now the film is permanently in the system. So what did I think of The Runaways? Are you kidding me... I fucking loved it! Not to say that there weren't a few minor problems.

Kristen and Dakota were spot on as usual, sinking into the roles and becoming Joan and Cherie to sheer perfection. And Michael Shannon as Kim Fowley, hell, I'm sure his part alone will easily be considered the show stealer. All three of them are of course the "anchors" of the film, and all three roles are pulled off brilliantly, essentially making the film as great as it can be. Apart from Stella Maeve as drummer Sandy West, the other two girls in the band are pretty much forgotten due to "rights issues". So unfortunately for Scout Taylor-Compton and Alia Shawkat fans, things are on the back-burner this time around. They both get a single shining moment at least. The film is based on an autobiography by Cherie Currie, so none of the other girls really get back-stories anyways, including Joan Jett. So I guess it doesn't matter much after all is said and done.

The ending is to be expected as well, which is rather somber. After all, that's how things really went for the most part. This isn't Sid and Nancy. There's no murder, no suicide, no death... just a split between friends and lovers. The drugs, insanity, rebellion, and sexiness however did take place and it was just fucking lovely mate. Not that the ending is a problem, and non-technically, neither is the storyline 'exclusion' of the bassist and lead guitarist... really, I could care less. I've never really been into Lita Ford much. And the other chick, Fox, threatening to sue, really? It's all shit only the overly anal would really mind. I'm not some f'n Runaways fanatic or anything, so Meh is what I say to it all. Everyone should have gotten on board as far as I'm concerned, but then again, I don't like getting into politics.

So fuck 'em. Hey, go see The Runaways.

May 22, 2010

Film!: Perkins' 14 / Anamorph

I had absolutely no clue as to what Perkins' 14 (2009) was before I viewed it. I had absolutely no clue as to what Perkins' 14 was after I viewed it, either. Oh, I read the synopsis on the back of the cover that day I rented it from Cockbusters. It left me with little to go on, and also, I had read nothing about the film online. I'd only seen flash ads... so I could only speculate. Is this a movie about Anthony Perkins raping 14 young lads? I sure as fuck hope not! After reading that synopsis and seeing the film, one has to wonder what the hell whoever wrote it up was thinking, or watching for that matter. So I start watching what should be a horror film about Norman knows what, and it's a little slow. But it starts to get intense as the police-man father of a missing son senses that the strange glasses-wearing man in the overnight cell (with all the pharmaceuticals out in his unmarked white van that he just illegally searched) might just be the guy who kidnapped him ten years prior. Of course none of his colleagues give him any positive reinforcement on the matter since the guy's been a raging flask sipper since those days and seems the paranoid type.

Naturally, daddy (Patrick O'Kain) takes it upon himself (and a cop buddy who supposedly owes him one) to go search the creepy dude's basement, only to find... you guessed it: 14 teenagers that he'd kidnapped years ago, tortured, fed PCP to and molested, transforming them into... Super Zombie-like creatures with a bloodlust unmatched by one of Michael Vick's doberman pinschers! Yeeeaaahhh... okay, so Perkins' 14 starts out emotional yet low budget and gets your attention. Then it hits you with this retarded curve ball which surprisingly, caught my interest even more, though in a WTF type manner. Of course, the son is one of the 14 and dad is hellbent on saving him, even though he's going around tearing people to shreds. From here on in, every single character acts like a completely worthless moron as the fourteen rampage throughout town. So is the way of the slaughter. Every single bad decision to be made is made, that dumbass lead singer of the new "misfits" is as lame as it gets, and the cheating wife (hot as all fuck Mihaela Mihut) is about as useful as a glad bag full of wet lopped-off testicles.

Honestly, I don't know what to say about Perkins' 14. I'm not going to sit here and type that I claim it was the worst movie I've ever seen. I don't even think it's as bad as reviewers online say. The Ad campaign, synopsis and promotional tools were all vague, confusing and most likely a smokescreen. Effective, perhaps, but it's as if After Dark Films had no idea what the hell this movie is and uh, I guess I can't blame them. The synopsis on Wiki had to be put together like a f'n puzzle, so no wonder they just went with some quick and elusive wording on the back cover. You're probably not going to be cheering, say if you were watching Laid To Rest for example... except maybe when the people you want to die (all the characters, pretty much) get ripped up. I say give it a viewing, but be warned... oh, and there's this quick voice-over after the final kill that will have your head spinning. It might just pop off. For it makes less sense than all the characters in this film combined had.

Anamorph (2007) fared better in my opinion but suffers many of the same drawbacks as Perkins' 14. Fortunately for this Psychological Thriller (American Giallo) it doesn't veer too far off into the overly questionable (not-zombie zombies?), and then there's Willem Dafoe, who just f'n steals the damn show every single time. And you know who's a good balance to Dafoe? Boring ass white bread Scott Speedman, that's right. Not that anyone needs to make the guy look good, but if a tortured soul detective with a... wait for it... nip drinking problem(!) needs a younger dude backing him up, it might as well be this boring fuck, am I right? Listen, I had no idea what the hell Anamorph was going to be about... I just got "lucky" and caught it on IFC.

Everything was going good, despite a few cliches here and there... and even some of the same old story. I've since read it being compared to Se7en, Kiss The Girls and even Dario Argento's Stendhal Syndrome. I didn't really catch the Kiss The Girls vibe, but the other two definitely. I could have seen Argento doing this film actually, maybe even making it better, less comprehensible even. The film's title refers to "anamorphosis", which is a way of creating hidden art that becomes visible from a certain vantage point. This is the killer's way of fucking with the protagonists. There are some great murder set pieces where Detective Dafoe has to finish the murderer / artist's grisly works of human blood art. It's to put it most simply, beautiful. There's even a scene where he steps inside a huge painting and makes out with a catfish (Clea DuVall).

Overall the story is a bit predictable, but the acting is all gravy and there's fun scenes where limbs and dead bodies are hanging all about; their meanings to be deciphered by our drunken hero. Speedman's big cop revelation is absurd as they get (I mean, who's got a reflective cup made out of shiny metal anyways?). The ending gets good, gets you pumped... but sadly, ends up botched like one of Mick Foley's Hell in a Cell cage drops. I get what they were going for, and it's somewhat OK, but the finale CGI work was confusing to the eyes and poorly done (even more so with the rest of the effects looking traditional). Also, it went out on a question mark note, which I normally don't mind, but since the big revelation was blurry and hard to comprehend, that ain't good. I watched this on a rainy Sunday morning, and I'd suggest if you're going to see this movie, do the same. Preferably with a couple nips stashed away for easy plucking.

Farewell, Megan Fox...

I don't know if it's the deep rooted apathy talking, or perhaps I just can't conjure up enough energy to do anything more than simply sigh at the thought of Megan Fox not being in Transformers 3, but alas it is still on my mind this morning. I've been thinking it over for about a day now, and can honestly say that I'm against it. Then again, I was against how Bay and Co went about making the first film (so damn shitty)... and how they squandered the possibilities of the second (The Fallen? Really?)... oh, and how human characters were put above the Bots, given more screen time, and how their screen time was used for mostly inane bullshit that nobody gives a fuck about. Then of course, there's Megan, who should by all means be a simple side character whom nobody would really care if she were in the next film or not. She at least had my attention when all the stupid human drama was going down. What do we got now? Patrick Dempsey? Wait, that's a dude! I can see it now, "Shit just got real... gay, that is." Rumors are going around about who's going to "replace" her for the part, but I couldn't care less who it is since I don't even care for the storyline enough to support it. For the sake of continuity however, I'd like to see Michael Bay and the company just get over it all. Oh but it might just have been Megan's decision to leave. Right.

I know what this is all about, she didn't f'n want to use any of that fake tan in a can shit anymore for the films and Bay blew a gasket! Being compared to Hitler one can get over easily, but this!? I don't think it's about any of the dumb shit that Megan said in the "press". After all, it's the new fad for young dumb full of ramen girls to say stupid things for attention. Just look at Ke$ha, not that I wanted to but I read two interviews with her and my brain nearly shut down. Same thing with Megan. I just disregard about 99% of what she ever says, preferring to listen to the voices inside my head while admiring her beauty. Meh. I guess it's because she's the only human character in the films I really cared to look at which is why I've got that bitter taste in my mouth. I'll still see the third film, knowingly beforehand even that it will most definitely suck. This time however, her acting won't be part of the blame. Still, there's more Megan to be had with the new Jonah Hex flick. Oh, and bring on Fathom, FFS! That is the perfect role for her and the time is now, futhermuckers! Imagine all the wet. This has been today's edition of the fake news. (Above is a picture of Megan as Mother Theresa. Another role, I find her fit perfectly for... so hot... so damn hot...)

May 15, 2010

Psyched about Resident Evil: Afterlife

I awoke at 6AM this Saturday morning, not much different than any other weekend... oh, I didn't want to, but it happens. I can never sleep in, my body doesn't allow it. So I get up, and it's off to surf the net in a dim room. I can barely contain the excitement as I pour steaming hot water into my spicy Shin Cup and crack open an ice cold Sprite for my breakfast. Fifteen days ago I went to see the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, and as I sat there completely blazed out of my skull the trailers finally came on. What I saw that day, left my jeans full of cream.

I let out a Keanu-like "Woah!" after it was all said and done. And not because of the obvious Matrix riff. It was when the Executioner's hammer axe crushes through that wall when it occurred to me that I should perhaps visit the Resident Evil films. This will most likely be my first. That's right, I haven't seen the other three films... only the trailers. After being completely obsessed with RE4 and currently feeding my addiction for RE5, I wonder how I never got around to viewing the movies. Seeing Wesker launch his sunglasses and the Uroboros virus sealed the deal for me though.

I will see this. Perhaps in all its IMAX 3-D splendor. And I'm hoping for a lot of gimmick shots too (and judging by the trailer, oh, there will be!). I say why the hell not? Don't let the hype get to you, that's the way I look at it. This is going to rock. Watch the trailer HERE.

May 12, 2010

My old Freddy shirt...

Well, since Freddy’s on top again (Nancy’s favorite position, according to him) and since I’m busy working on bigger posts (trying at least), I guess I’ll have to get accustomed to shredding out some 'filler' here and there. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that… I’ve got some ‘OK’ stuff to share. It is indeed impossible to make every single blog post irresistible, and trying is just irritating after a long day of irrational inane bullshit. So here it is: A couple pictures of the NoES 3 shirt that I bought back in the day, 1998.

It’s a medium. I used to fit in it almost when I was rail thin... back then I wasn’t as f’n buff and sweet as I am now. Not that Brew, Chili Fries and Poutine make a man buff, but it’s a start… anyways, I got this shirt in a store that I had never been to before. My friend and I both walked in, saw it and ran fast as hell. I of course, being a sprinter, snagged it much to his dismay. Got two door sized Freddy posters that day as well, but the bottoms of those were eventually ripped up and peed on by my long lost cat Mephistopheles. Little fukcer. No matter, I've still got some other NoES merch laying around the place so expect to see some more of what I gots in the near future... you little meatballs.

May 7, 2010

TF's: 5/2/10

Over the years I’ve seen only two prototypes for Arcee toys that I’ve absolutely loved. One was a fully painted and transformable custom (?) from sometime back in 1998 that mirrored the GeeWun character perfectly. The second is one currently in production by a third party manufacturer that looks f’n gorgeous and shall be mine. Other than that, Arcee has had a rough toy past. Firstly, there’s this idea from toy companies that female characters as figures, don’t sell. This for one pisses me off, since the female characters are usually my favorites… apart from the most evil, monstrous Villains. So right there its shaky ground. Secondly, there’s never really been an accurate representation of Arcee. She’s been made into a motorcycle numerous times while her original design and form have been avoided. Why? Incarnations of her have been bulky (and in one case Overly bulky as a toy that should have never been painted pink and named after her), and she was once an exclusive repaint of Transmetal 2 Blackarachnia. So imagine my delight when Hasbro finally released the Animated Arcee which not only transforms into a pink Cybertronian car, but also looks a lot like the original character and has a sweet ass design.

The only problem… it’s a ToysRUs exclusive, there were limited quantities made and on top of all that, seemingly all ToysRUs stores around me are all selling shit from a year ago. Shit that they can’t get rid of so they’re offering deals every week and yet, the thirty boxes each of shelfwarmers still aren’t moving. Thus, they don’t put the new stuff on the shelves… provided they even have the new stuff. So I travel. An hour here, forty miles there, and nothing… every weekend for two months, in every spectrum of Mall from ghetto to uncomfortably rich however that is possible. I guess my area is diverse, depending on which way you point your finger. I found nothing at all. Then amazingly, I found a mall only a half an hour away in a town that I’ve never been to and you know what? This mall has everything! Best mall I’ve been to by far ever in my life. The ToysRUs across the street from it had three Arcee figures; I bought two (pictured) and finally snagged the Revenge of the Fallen NEST Lockdown figure (also) which is one of the best action figures ever made in history. So incredibly badass! And after traveling a lot and seeing some shit that I would have preferred to not ever experience again, the town I visited that day was so clean. Just driving down the street I saw not a single piece of trash on the street, not even when I passed McDonalds. The golden arches were sparkling like they’d been dipped in real gold and polished.

So I got these two that I had been searching for (because face it, I’m not paying some thirty-five dollars or more online for an already sold out Arcee figure when I can buy two of them for twenty [if I can find em])… got my third NEST sticker and sent off for my Mail-In Ravage, which hopefully should arrive soon. Boo-yah! Yeah, and I guess I also picked up Legends (which means mini-figure) Decepticon turncoat, ugly bugger and major robo-perv Wheel-E. You know, the one that humped Megan Fox’s leg… er, yeah. So check it out: Here's a GALLERY of Animated Arcee, a GALLERY of RotF Lockdown and here are Peaugh's youtube reviews for Arc and Lock... I'd say watch the vids. He likes to somtimes pop the arms off the figures, but he really shows you how neat these figures are.

May 1, 2010

The Demons Remake: Part 3

First off, sorry for taking the longest time ever possible to follow up on something. I've been going through some shit lately and haven't had too much time for life and such. But let's just forget about all that shit, huh, and get on with the show? This is my final entry into the Demons re-casting. I left out the family at the end, but I may do them if I do a D2 version. Don't look forward to it!

My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.