Danny Trejo is A MOTHERFUCKER in Bad Ass (2012)

When the popularity of Epic Beard Man reached soaring heights and made an internet celebrity (i.e. youtube sensation) out of Tom Bruso, it was only a matter of time before his already not so bright and shiny image would be unnecessarily mishandled for the sake of an incredibly shitty action movie. Internet "memes" are of course the next logical steps in storytelling these days (where else are new ideas going to come from?), and what better one to expand upon than the AC Transit Bus Fight I am a Motherfucker video! But trust me, this is no Safety Not Guaranteed... oh no... what could have been a heartfelt movie with a lot of emotion was only halfway thought up and the rest of it was filled with made-for-tv slop.

I love me some Danny Trejo. In fact, I think he's an awesome choice as the lead here. I know that Slick Tom there is an old white dude, and the guy he beat down was some trash talkin' black guy, but Trejo just works perfectly in this role. I don't even really mind that in the movie he beats down two skinheads who are threatening elderly folk on the bus. Facts are always changed in movies and little changes like that just have to be dealt with. I was actually pretty excited about seeing this when I rented it a while back, but after it was all done with I just felt really let down.

It started off nicely enough, with a shot of Dat Ass! Danny Trejo looked great dressed just like the dude. There was a girl wearing big headphones who looked kinda sorta like Amber Lamps, but like a frumpy totally not as hot version of her... then the skinheads showed up, and it was weird, but the bus scene played out and it ended up being a cool representation of the original event. As the film slowly progressed and Epic Beard Man became popular around town (and all over the net) it started to be a rather endearing film. It was gritty, depressing, and bleak. Just the way I like it.

Then Charles Dutton and Ron Perlman show up (two guys I have no problem with, in fact, I do enjoy their work), but man, the material that these two are given here with this lousy as all fuck script just turns this potentially uplifting movie about a guy forever down on his luck to a goddamn shlock-fest. Total z-grade action thriller type stuff ensues and it's all really lame. This second TRAILER actually does a decent job of making the film look somewhat better than it actually is, but even watching the first one or the film itself left me cringing. This could have been a hell of a lot better it the filmmakers didn't turn it into such a dumb emotionless turd by the end.

Safety Not Guaranteed is proof that a movie can be made out of something with as little background story as a newspaper clipping about a guy wanting a companion to go back in time, and if you've got writers and directors with heart, there can be an awesome film there. Bad Ass just leaves a bad taste in my mouth when it's all said and done. The story was changed so much that I bet Tom Bruso never saw a penny of whatever money was made from this. If I'm wrong about that let me know, because really I would like to know the facts on that. It would have been cool if he had a cameo at least, or it was dedicated to him, or he saw some profits. But I don't even know if he's aware the movie even exists.

I would recommend renting this or however you view movies these days just for a single view. But for me, the real story and multiple videos online about this guy are a hell of a lot more interesting than this flick. It's too bad, because like I said, there was a lot of potential with this project. It was just handled incompetently and by the looks of things, for all the wrong reason$$$.

A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas (2011)

A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas (2011)

[Rated R: for strong crude and sexual content, graphic nudity, pervasive language, drug use and some violence.]

Six Years after Harold and Kumar escaped from Guantanamo Bay, the two have drastically grown apart. Harold (John Cho) is more than happily married with Maria (the incredibly hot Paula Garcé) while Kumar (Kal Penn) has been left by Vanessa (Danneel Ackles) and does nothing but sit around his dirty apartment smoking weed and watching television (in today's case: A Christmas Story). When a mysterious package addressed to Harold arrives at Kumar's place, the two are reunited and Maria's father's prized Christmas tree gets inexplicably burnt down. So ensues another wacky adventure of miss-mashed events while the two go searching for a replacement tree.

I loved Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. Let me just get that out of the way. There were so many great scenes: the two of them whispering in Freakshow's truck, the Burger Shack employee talking about the secret sauce, the way they laugh during that PSA spoof, I got to see Malin Ackerman topless, Ali Larter and Rachel Nichols got it on in a nasty wet lesbian scene (wait, no... my mistake, that's just what I wanted this year for Christmas!), the animated burger land sequence that ends in Kumar licking Harold's face, the chubby extreme-velociraptor punk, the rabid raccoon, ect. The dialogue was all good and none of it seemed awkward aside from the "fuck it" kissing scene at the end. And it wasn't trying too hard (maybe the BattleShits scene). Then the sequel came and for half of it I just couldn't give a shit. I wasn't really into that whole "Hunting the terrorists" plot and I don't really care too much for Rob Corrdry. Those scenes were more of an annoyance to me, as was smoking with George W. I did like the John Reep scene about "whooping your little cyclops ass!", and the KKK stuff, the bottomless party, the more gentler scenes about Kumar's past smoking weed with Vanessa.

But the problem arises with the film trying too hard to be obscenely gross or super funny, when it shouldn't, and isn't. The same thing goes for the third film, Harold and Kumar Christmas. They went way overboard with the Neil Patrick Harris stuff, first of all. He's like in one-third of the total film, it's ridiculous. I didn't need to see him do an entire song and dance routine in 3-D. He was good in the first film, and even OK in the second, but this was too fuckin' much. Harold and Kumar both have new best friends in this one (played by Thomas Lennon and Amir Blumenfeld) and thankfully their scenes aren't nearly as annoying as the side scenes from part two involving the Government. I liked the running gag with the baby girl that keeps getting fucked up on various drugs.

There's a really awesome Claymation scene where the two are seriously tripping out on spiked egg nog and have to escape a giant, sinister snow man that's destroying the city. We even get our first shot of genitals here (Kumar's humongous 3-D clay dick in your face!). It keeps coming back to reality and showing how insane they're acting even though to them they're in a clay world and some crazy shit is going down. Then there's a little nod to A Christmas Story later on when Harold gets his dick stuck to a pole and Kumar decides that only his warm saliva can get it unstuck. "No! I don't want you spitting on my penis!" Aside from the more penisy scenes, we do get to (not) see NPH jerking off on a model's back while he gives her a massage, and a really nice ass shot from Maria (one which rivals the ass shot in Immortals). Nice!

Paula Garcé as Maria, who is perhaps the sexiest woman alive, gets a few more scenes this time around which I enjoyed. She's drop fuckin' dead gorgeous. And in this one she shows off her sex-craved side. The acting seems a little forced to be ultra naughty but I didn't mind. Danny Trejo play's Maria's Christmas tree sweater wearing father who seemingly wishes to disembowel Harold. The guy is dead serious about the trees that he grows (just check out that sweater!). Patton Oswalt plays the Mall Santa who of course, sells weed on the side. Danneel Ackles as Vanessa, was hardly in this movie at all (that sucks). Elias Koteas is here (Christopher Meloni couldn't make it) playing a Mob boss who wants the boys dead in a rather lame subplot involving his virgin daughter who can't seem to get fucked. His scenes are well done, but every scene with his kids are super annoying. Richard Riehle plays the real Santa, who again of course loves smoking pot out of his candy cane bong(!). I probably don't have to tell you how awesome this guy is in whatever movie he's in. He stole all the scenes he was in, playing probably the best Santa representation I've ever seen.

My favorite part of the whole film was the Nunspoitation scene. It's so good to see hot, nude, lesbian nuns soaped up and showering together in a mainstream film these days. I really appreciate the filmmakers for giving the nun-lovin' viewers something special. That, and any time I got to see Maria's face (or other parts) really left me with that warm Christmas feeling inside. I can see why they had to estrange Harold and Kumar, being it a major plot point of Santa's secret package that reunites them and saves their friendship. It was weird though, seeing them so distant and uncomfortable with each other. Guess it had to be done for the sake of the story and to introduce new characters. Side characters should stay side characters though, that's how I feel about it in these films. So, I guess I'd say that Harold and Kumar Christmas was a mixed sack. It's got a lot of small doses of truly funny moments, but a lot of the puns and dialogue with the lamer characters (mob kids, black guys selling trees, and new best friends to a lesser extent) are just kind of boring and tiresome. Something that plauged the last film, but hopefully not the next.

Note: Being that this film has 3-D firmly in the title and the films itself makes extremely obvious nods that it's in 3-D, make sure you see this in a theater with decent glasses and equipment. In fact, if you're seeing 3-D films in multiple theaters around your town it's good to find out which one does it best, don't keep switching it up if you have a bad experience in one. Always go to the place that plays it best if you're going to pay extra.