Kate Beckinsale conjures The Baroness in Total Rekall (2012)

There wasn't really much that I could remember (or is that... Recall? *DrEvil*) concerning this unexciting 2012 Colin Farrell flick "Total Wackage". Well, aside from Kate Beckinsale being in it and looking totally smokin'-fuckin' hot! She took the sleek, sexy, sinister, sultry and sardonic babe role to the next level with her portrayal of a totally sleek, sexy, sinister, sultry and sardonic bitch with a sour-lime twist. Making me horny as a motherfuck in the process.

I found it particularly exciting how she got off with that gun pointed at her neck. 

She showed a bit of some cat-like reflexes...

...and then she got wet!

Taking it to the streets with some skin-tight hotness and some fucking drone robots (just for good measure I guess) was a smart move on the filmmaker's part. Myself? Well, I personally would have had her naked getting fucked by said robots. But I guess tight black clothing and/or leather is a nice choice for the PG-12 crowd.

I couldn't help but picture Sienna Miller as the Baroness while I watched Kate Beckinsale go all out and kick some ass with a fury in Total Rekall. There's just something about a slim and sexy brunette wearing tight black clothing and wielding heavy artillery that really turns me on.

Fact of the matter is this: Kate Beckinsale is a total babe, and whether or not she's trying to kill me in my dreams... I'm just glad she's there at all. ;)

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

RE: Retribution starts off with an explosive action scene that occurs just after the post-credit sequence from the last film... only it's played backwards, in super slow motion, and in 3-D while the credits appear on screen. Not only does this intro look downright incredible, but it's also pretty damn sweet and left me with a big stupid grin on my face. Unfortunately, from there it goes into some pop-up "split screen" type narrative introduction from Alice recapping the events from the entire series. After learning about the previous four films wasting the audience's time for about a minute or two, we get to see that reversed scene now in its original fast paced form. It goes by pretty quick on the second time around, but it's cool to see it all play out after you've seen it so slowly deconstructed. 

The look of Retribution is a wondrous vision to behold, much like its predecessor Afterlife. And herein lies the film's main strength. It is beautiful! So much of this movie, from the very first frames to the final shot are composed extremely well, shot magnificently and are very visually interesting - captivating, even. The mix of the elegant set designs of the Umbrella Corporation building and the holographic "Levels" throughout the story (and not to mention all the weird shit that goes on) give the whole film a really psychedelic vibe which I totally dig. Half way through, the thought of dropping a few tabs before I came to see this seemed both a dangerous and delightful idea. The majority of this film was obviously storyboarded with utmost importance and followed through with a passion.

Unfortunately (hey there's that word again), the film goes into quite a few lengthy shootout scenes where nearly nobody of importance is ever hit. Only faceless drones get shot to shit, over and over, while cutting repeatedly back and forth to our main characters popping off a few... and it gets boring. Those are the only boring moments of the film thankfully. And at least during one of these dreadfully overlong and choppily edited scenes, Barry Burton (Kevin Durand) gets a major scene that was just good enough to make his very underused character memorable. I wish I could say the same about Leon S. Kennedy (Johann Urb), who's only shining moment in this whole film is putting his hand on Ada's thigh on the helicopter ride home and getting rejected. What the fuck is that? 

That Ada Wong (Bingbing li) is one sexy ass bitch too I'll tell you that much. Her character, from the personality to the dialogue to the clothing and the poses, are so dead on; and Bingbing is so remarkably beautiful that there's no doubt this character will be welcomed by fans of the game. Ada is one of the big three characters here in the film, the other two being Alice (Milla Jovovich) of course, and Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). Jill Valentine, with her dyed blonde hair, skin-tight blue outfit and spider-like mind control device just above her luscious boobs (her outfit from the RE:5 Game) has always been one of my favorite designs (so hot!) and Sienna just works it and provides maximum fan service. Her robotic like dialogue and near T-X like stature adds that much more un-guilty pleasure to it all.

Alice is naturally the star of the show, and if you're in lust with Milla like I am, then you sure are in for a treat with this sequel. I love the long and lingering close-ups she's constantly getting, and when the camera smothers (or dry-humps) her. Nearly every shot of her is very voyeuristic and had my eyes glued to the screen... not to mention other things glued elsewhere. And of course, who doesn't like to see her kicking some serious ass!? After experiencing the outbreak in Japan and fleeing into an Umbrella hallway, she has a long "Oldboy-esque" battle against a shitload of zombies (including Patient Zero aka J-Pop Girl (Mika Nakashima) and another zombie hottie) much of it in slow motion with 3-D splattering brain effects to the maximum. It's all very palm-sweat inducing, somewhat laughable, really fun and just totally nuts. 

Alice and Ada also get a two on two against a pair of Axemen (Executioners) while on a walkthrough in New York City. There's a ton of chaos here with buses getting chopped to pieces, cars flying, gratuitous near deaths while dodging vicious blows and tons of head-shots that do absolutely nothing to these fuckers! While the shortest of the four main battles in the film, it's always exciting to see these huge monsters swinging those axes and getting thrashed by two hot chicks. I do however prefer the Axeman battle from Afterlife to this one (There's just something about seeing Ali Larter and Milla gettin' all wet and in slow-mo!). A massive Licker shows up a short while after this proceeds to relentlessly terrorize every single protagonist here, doing a fuckload of damage and bloodying things up. These things freak even me out, and if you ever play the games and encounter them, they'll freak you out too.

Retribution feels more like a video game than any of the previous films, and I really like that. A lot of the dialogue is pretty bad and video game-like (mostly Jill Valentine for instance, as well as a lot of puns) but it adds to the charm of it all. And of course the ending just has to feature a long and sultry battle between Alice and Jill, both of them looking seriously hot in their skin tight outfits. That's just the way it is with a movie like this, and always justifies my laying down the cash to see this on the big screen in 3-D (kinda like Underworld). One sour point for me was Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts, hamming it up to the eleventh degree) in this one. Though, I wasn't totally convinced by his 'from game to screen' character in Afterlife, his 360 here (albeit done with personal gain heavily looming - think when Megatron joins forces with Optimus Prime for five minutes) is a bit unnearving and it's just plain weird to see himself, Alice, Jill, Leon and Ada all standing together. Very weird.

So should you go and see Resident Evil: Retribution? Let's examine the following two questions: Do you enjoy seeing Milla Jovovich almost completely naked? Or does seeing Milla Jovovich almost completely naked drive you insane and fill your heart with disgust? It's as simple as that. Almost isn't good enough, I know... but I say go see it. If you've seen all the previous films, and even if you "don't like them", you owe it to yourself to see this from a completest's point anyhow. Characters will be bastardized, these are always the facts, and fans of Leon will no doubt be disgusted by his representation in this film. Fans of Ada, Jill and even to a smaller degree, Barry, will leave extremely happy. Wesker fans, I'm not so sure either way. But if you've loved the character of Project: Alice from her conception, then you'll of course crave more!

Oh yeah, and Michelle Rodriguez was in this too.

The Hunger Games (2012)

I had no preconceived notions or expectations going in to see The Hunger Games. I haven't read the books and knew little to nothing about the details of the story, other than the general storyline (from the film being compared to other similarly themed films, and from watching the trailers). Other things I have gathered are: that this movie is based on a series of popular tween books, and that the theaters will be packed with giggling schoolgirls. Sooooo... with that in mind, I made the decision to get dressed in my hat, sunglasses, trench-coat and fake mustache, get in my unmarked white van with tinted windows, and head down to the local cinema.

Now as you may probably know, I'm a huge supporter of films and stories with female leading characters. I don't really care if they're strong, weak, becoming, or just plain Bella... Ever since I was a baby, I always had a thing for chicks. And I've got the hots for Jennifer Lawrence, who plays the lead girl Katniss, there's no denying it. She may look similar to Emily Browning, but just different enough that I can justify stalking them both. Not that I need to justify anything. I think she is a great choice for the lead in this film (and series), and actually, am very happy for her that she'll no doubt be like, totally famous after this! Then there's Isabelle Fuhrman, who plays the character of Clove. Dark lord... what have you done!? This girl is absolutely beautiful! And she's getting more and more gorgeous each year that goes by. Not only that, but she's shown in this, and in her previous roles, that playing an evil little bitch is what she was born to do.

Clove's eventual and surprising fight scene with Katniss was intense, insane and horrifying. Naturally, it brought a smile to my face. This has to be my favorite scene from the whole film. Isabelle is sick as hell when it comes to portraying pure fucking evil and I drown in every second of it. Some may say "Oh, she's not evil, she's in the same situation as Katniss...". Yeah, I don't fucking think so. She's totally getting off killing and maiming things with her throwing knives. My second favorite scene from the films is Clove tossing her throwing knives into that lizard. That shit caught me by surprise. I never thought I would see something like that in a mainstream US film that's rated PG-13. Real or not. I giggled to myself as I got Argento flashbacks.

Some other things I liked about Hunger Games is that the film really worked building on the tension. It's not exactly horror tension, but it's very close, and rather a feeling that's constantly built up over periods of time before a calmness (sometimes) ensues. The film may not have started off too exciting, but the pacing was just right and even the "boring" scenes were interesting enough and set up the unsettling feelings. I thought that was well done, and the film really built up to the excitement. Midway, when Katniss began hiding in the trees (which was totally necessary and smart) the movie seemed to drag a bit, and some of the other youth actors got their chance to act. Bad move. Aside from Amandla Stenberg who played Rue, the other kids range from pretty horrible to downright atrocious.

I also liked the Adult supporting cast, especially Woody Harrelson and Elizabeth Banks. Woody of course just takes every role he's in to a spectacular place and this film is no exception. Everything he did in this film was total greatness and he stole scenes time and time again. Then again, he always does. As for Lizzy, I really like her. She's a goddess, and a magnificent woman, but I thought she looked gross in this movie with that weird make-up. Donald Sutherland seemed a bit uncommitted and wasted (but it's a trilogy right?). Lenny Kravitz surprised me, since I've never before liked that guy at all in any way/shape/form, by actually becoming an inspirational character with gold eyeliner. He seemed a bit touchy and RAPEish for a while, but I don't know...

The whole look of the film was pretty cool as well. I liked the shaky and unexpected camera work. All of the close-ups of Jennifer were fully appreciated. There were a lot of details that were well thought out and executed nicely. The CGI of the futuristic city and train were very CGI, but when it arrived, the costumes and set designs gave the movie a really interesting and messed up vibe.What a bunch of weirdos at this event! I thought the whole black leather and girl on fire chariot scene was pretty awesome too. Katniss and Peeta looked their coolest... well, as cool as Peeta could possibly look I suppose. I thought the idea of Sponsors sending out help via controlled mini-parachute was a brilliant idea, but a bit underused.

Since I never read the books, I don't really know how much info or scenes are missing from this movie. But it seemed to me like it was missing quite a bit. There were a lot of unexplained things, and a lot of it seemed simplified. Also, I don't know if half of the other kids in the event that got killed had names in the book... but they're lucky they even got faces in this movie. We could have at least got a bit more than a picture bio before they died (most of them offscreen!). Hopefully an extended version will correct this and some other things. For a 2 hour and 22 minute film, the filmmakers probably put a lot of small important details, but I wouldn't know. A 3 hour version would suffice. As long as there's more blood and violence! And groping.

One of the main things that disappointed me about this movie is that it wasn't violent enough. The first half of the film is the set-up, so of course nothing violent happens. And when it finally does, much of it happens far to quick to make sense of it all (think Michael Bay's Transformers). While the violence is indeed brutal, it doesn't leave a lasting affect on the viewer. Only two key characters were given admirable death time. For shame Hunger Games. We must have more time for Death! Overall, I liked The Hunger Games. I feel it has been getting far better ratings than it deserves, especially from horror bloggers. I understand that it exceeded the fact that it would most surely suck, and in fact was a damn fine movie, but it's not perfect score or 4.5/5 to me. I could see it possibly being a 3.5 or 4/5 with an extended cut, if everything was done to my liking, which would never happen anyways. But yeah, I liked it.

Real Steel (2011)

Hey, I just payed to watch Real $teel (2011)

Rated: PG-13 (for Violence, Intense Robot Fighting Action, and Swear Words). 

Hugh Jackman plays Charlie Kenton, a down and out former professional boxer and now desperate, independent robot-boxing promoter who owes nearly everyone he knows tons of money. All this guy cares about is making whatever cash he can get as soon as possible, by booking his robot in all-or-nothing fights. Of course, ever since Robot Boxing took the world over and forced him out of the ring, his life has been a downward spiral of bad luck and reckless decisions which repeatedly cost him the very expensive bots he comes to own. Never one to learn a lesson, he'll work up a scheme or two here and there to procure a new bot once his old one gets thrashed. It's all he cares about, he's become a shell of his former self, and it's all very sad to watch. Of course, the character of Charlie Kenton is a complete fucking asshole and a dick to everyone around him so you as the viewer couldn't give a shit. That is of course, until his ex-girlfriend dies and he's reunited(?) with his son, Max (Dakota Goyo), whom he abandoned after birth. His ex's sister wants custody of course, and Charlie goes about conning the lady's husband out of $100,000 cash money to sign him over to her. Only to make things look good for both of them, he'll take the kid in for a few weeks and she never has to know about the deal.

So, can you see where this is going? I could. It's glaringly obvious. Real Steel ain't about the Robots. In fact, out of the few messages the movie is trying to convey at whichever time, it's hinted majorly that Charlie himself is the robot that his son comes to resurrect. He's an emotionless, reclusive, and downright mean (non-psychically abusive) son of a bitch who's completely caught up in the dream that he never dreamed. He's become a lost soul, who's in such a rush all the time to make money that he doesn't stop for a moment to see that he's destroying all of his relationships. As Charlie and Max go on their robot fight road-trips, a series of consequential events occur which bring the two closer(?) and as you would expect, Charlie shows signs of giving a fuck. Who would have thought. But giving a fuck ain't easy when you're so ripped. All I could think about while seeing this emotionally awakening and tragically beautiful father and son bonding movie was "Fuck these motherfuckers for trying to make me feel shit! I don't want to feel. I want to not feel!" Unless I'm feeling something in my pants when I see that super hot ring-girl in the wierd blue Tron getup during the final match. There should have been more scenes with her and less scenes with talking about feelings.

Predators (2010)

Once again, Topher Grace saves the fuckin' day! Spider-Man 3, while pretty in some places (I'm looking your way Bryce Dallas you should always stay bleach blond Howard as Gwen Stacy g-r-owl!) had about as much as it takes as this new film Predators. Well, without the camp to back it up that is. Though his inclusion as Venom in that film suffered greatly from poor planning on part of the creators, Topher was there in full form and totally badass to fuck shit up and make it all worth it. Drop that sumbitch from a parachute once more and let him go to town this time around in a film that stars... wait for it, and hold your breath underwater splice-style ...Adrien Brody. I don't hate the guy, really, and I don't mind the guy. It's good that he's at present time blowing up. I guess? At least he tried in this one with the whole deep voice, unemotional act. And it looks as if he's been hitting the gym, but that could have been for the remake of The eXperiment. But let's face the fuckin' facts, Adrien Brody cannot play anything other than Adrien Brody. Sure, he's probably got a weird fanbase. I never looked it up, but Tori Amos has been doing the same old shit for thirty-five years and insane people still dig her for some reason. I'd like to see those two uh... strangle each other with piano strings in a pit full of Nazi rapists. Too soon?

So without spoiling anything I can safely say that I am disappointed that Brody's character lived. Despite the lackluster events proceeding this point in the film, things were definitely looking up. Everyone finally got what was coming to them and some serious shit went down. All which allowed our hero, The Doctor, to finally reveal himself for what he really is and get down... to... business... Dawwww yeah! Things were finally getting good right? That asshole without a heart of gold hit his blast off and got blasted off and it was about time things were down to the wire. I didn't have high hopes for this movie, but when this point came I had the wonderment of a seriously disturbed child at Christmas time. "Yeah!" I thought. "This is going to be sweet!" Except for one minor detail: Brody's character wasn't on the fuckin' ship as it took off and exploded. I can only imagine that when he got on to that alien ship the music of James Blunt was playing and he rushed back to his new girlfriend with a tear in eye. Or maybe Forest Whitaker was in there butt naked, nothin' but a Predator mask, and ready to urinate all over Brody's skull and spinal cord! How would he know it was him if he had the mask on you ask? Jason's got a lazy eye and you don't see other people asking questions. Besides, you ever been pissed on? I mean involuntarily. It ain't right.

Predators did at least have a few moments that made me smile. The Samurai battle for instance. There's no denying that this scene was the best in whole trash bag. The sound technicians really got this one down and set the movie's only subtle scene with the perfect accompaniment of wind blowing against grass and sword. Much appreciated! And it even ended well. High point. The make-up for the Predators was, when they needed it, pretty damn good. No complaints there. The rest of the cast didn't seem that bad overall, despite being generic (or acting to a generic script!). Occasionally there were a few moments of fun to be had, and I'd say it's a worthwhile viewing (you have to now, since it's a franchise), but did it do anything new? Is it greatness? If you're a fan of decapitations and Topher Grace, then you're probably jacking off over this film as I write this. Which reminds me... it's time to buy a new keyboard and/or remote control.

There were some cool traps and the Preds looked awesome. The dogs were horrid and that shit lasted way too long. In fact, the whole dogs angle should have been left out of the movie since it sucked balls and the dogs looked like complete shite. I know Zombie Dogs are old school, but this is not an upgrade and a thousand spikes coming from their necks look f'n stupid. The other alien species weren't really touched upon, but they were addressed and it was decent. More could have been done but in the case of this movie, they did the right thing and ignored it for... uh, you know... plot. Nobody got naked, but a guy did almost check out a chick's ass and a guy with two voices in his head did almost mind rape that guy for being hard up. If only that final sex scene would have happened and everyone got mutilated, this film would have gone from 4/10 to 8/10. But alas... I'm writing this junk to make up for it all. *sigh* This movie could have had the greatest downbeat ending and it seriously would have rocked, but nooooo...

Topher Grace isn't really a doctor, but a Serial Killer collected along with the other troops and boy, he plays it out like a fucking master!

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004) and Extinction (2007)

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

I want you to think about the original 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' movie for a moment. Released back in 1990, I was just ten years old when I got to see it at the cinema. I remember how awesome I thought it was, but I was young and didn't quite grasp the true reason behind this. Sure, turtles kickin' ass right, what's not awesome about that? As I watched this over the following years, I realized something about it: That it's fuckin' sad, man! The first film was so dark, so utterly depressive, grimy, and yet not to mention spot on perfect. I found a common bond with it as I grew older and became more depressed myself. It's got sort of a captivating aura about it, and that is how TMNT is done right. True to form, spirit and style, even the laughs to be had come off with a sense of closeness between the characters that you can really feel.

Fast-forward one long year later, and to quickly capitalize on the tremendous success of the first film, we're presented with 'TMNT2: The Secret of the Ooze'. That sour churning you feel in your stomach when I bring up this sequel is normal, so don't panic. They took a masterpiece of a film and followed it up with a slapstick frenzy of arseholeness previously unforeseen in such quick form. Sure, the sequel was aimed at a younger audience than the first, but it was dumb as all hell! The first film earned my respect with an honorable portrayal of sewer dwelling humanoid mutant turtles skilled in the ninja martial arts. The second film is as if they were all repeatedly hit over the heads with 2x4s and fed nothing but pizza topped with Crystal Meth. When you're young, it's quotable, but later on only about two or three of those puns are actually funny. I still laugh at the "You take the ugly one! No, you take the ugly one! I'll take the ugly one! Which one's the ugly one?" line, even though you can see it a mile away.

The sequel is IN YOUR FACE to the extreme and rocking mics like foot vandals, and while I can appreciate supreme extra cheese, I will not condone this type of thing. I wasn't aware of the fact that Jill Valentine was the most supremely badass chick on the planet with a supercool annoying attitude and take no prisoners retort. Her introduction in the film is a mix of laugh and sigh inducing, and while I know that she is actually rather badass and annoying, they amplified it to a ridiculous degree. Think Stallone in Cobra when he's first called in; totally bodacious scene. Now, smother it in stinky ass cheese and put it in a short skirt. Kind of a turn off, right? I like a strong female lead, and I guess since she's got to compete with Alice they had to up the ante or something so it's a wee bit understandable I suppose. Unless you take into account the introductions of the other characters as well. What's with the Carlos intro scene? Girl's already been bit, surrounded by twenty-two zombies on a rooftop and he decides to order the chopper back so he can f'n zip line into the chaos and waste time! That's a really nice and extremely dumb thing to do, bravo.

And I guess it should be considered flattering that this new director decided to take scenes straight from the game and film them in live action. Say what you will, it's better than putting actual video game footage into the film... but, it really doesn't make up for the lack of Anderson's visual expertise. Even though he wrote the 'script', I can only imagine if he had directed all four films. Meh, I'm sure it'll grow on me with repeat viewings. I just don't really appreciate the style they went with this time, nor some of the visual effects. For instance, when the zombies first appear it's done in blurry vision. And not even good blurry vision, choppy shitty looking bullshit. When we first get a glance of Nemesis, they try not to show too much by keeping it a side shot, but show way too much of the side shot in the process. And not that I enjoy nitpicking, but why in the fuck are all the soldiers wearing black motorcycle helmets? Where are their motorcycles? Probably in the Umbrella shop getting some sweet airbrushed Licker artwork done or some shit. That'd be sweet!

Things I liked, uhhh... well, I love graveyards and that graveyard scene was satisfying. There were topless zombie stripper chicks. When Alice ran down that building it looked pretty cool for the most part, you could see right through it, but it was a cool scene. Nemesis looked better than I thought he would, which is important to a film without depth. He may not have been shot properly at all times, but the make-up was done right. The Lickers were spectacular looking! I was slightly blown away when they came onscreen actually. They were completely CGI this time around but I think they nailed it. At least, in comparison to the real life actors who added the Canadian bacon to this big ol' slice of Hawaiian.

Would it kill these filmmakers to show a little subtlety though? It's not 1993 anymore.

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

And then the ninja turtles went back in time to Japan. I guess something different had to be done, like oh I don't know... say for instance, taking Resident Evil into the f'n Desert!? Yeah. I'm just glad all the fun characters from the last film are back: LJ the funny pimp, Carlos the Mummy Slayer, Jill the volcano on legs and, wait... oh right, Claire is in this one and Jill has mysteriously vanished yet nobody really mentions it that much. Oh well, Otto the bus driver to the stoner rescue! And what's this, well hello K-Mart you hot little slice of jail-bait clearance sushi. Me like K-Mart. Want to shop in isle of unmentionables. Speak over intercom devoted love for her. Claire is nice too, but I guess like all of the other introductions aside from Alice's, everyone get the small slice from the pie. Alice does however get slapped with the anchovies when they take scenes directly from the first film to start off her clone's actions. They couldn't even re-film that and make it at least a little bit different?

Like Apocalypse, Extinction features a bit of redundancy with footage from the previous film. It's a trend with these sequels though, so no point in focusing on it. There are after all, more important things to worry about. The Wesker character is not only squandered here, but the actor portraying him doesn't fit the bill at all. His scenes and vocal actions come off as lame and uninspired. He should have been more imposing, with a low toned yet menacing soundtrack, while calm and calculated looking. Here, he's just kind of there and I wasn't feeling it. I don't think anybody was feeling it, especially not the actor playing him. True, a character such as Wesker is indeed difficult to get right, which is why it took a mix of acting and computer generated graphics to make him come so alive in RE5. In Extinction he's not so much animated, and definitely could have done with an injection needle full of juice to get things heated up. He's really only at board meetings in this film via hologram, so there's not much to be expected, but a little more effort could have created a more interesting outcome. Even if it meant holographic flickering, however cheap that may be.

At least throw in a little more shitty CGI if you're going to fill the rest of the film with it. I can't imagine how they'd end up dropping the quality of CG from the first sequel with not much money spent on sets. They're in the desert most the time and yet the CG in this film is substantially worse than the previous. Why? Was all the money for Apocalypse spent on the substandard sets and that's why everything else was shit? Did all the money on Extinction go to rebuilding the mansion set from the first film only for them to re-use the footage from the first film? Hmm... with the seemingly large budget of both sequels, there seems to be a lot of issues on where to put the money. Really, that swirling fire in the sky taking out all of the infected crows looked like utter crap. And the final boss "Tyrant", while he got a good two film build up as a human, just plain dropped the rotten eggs when his CGI Costume mix hit the scene. Despite the work put into this third RE film, I find it to be all a bit lackluster.

Costume design and the aforementioned sets were all well done. The director this time around was a bit more faithful to the original settings. Camerawork and the look of many shots are professionally done, and the flow of the film doesn't reek of abruptness. In the extras they say that they didn't want "some kid that had done nothing but music videos" to direct this. This dude did some Highlander and Razorback, but pretty much all else is music videos so I don't know why they would say what they did. Sure, he's not a "kid" anymore, but their statements seem unwarranted and strange considering the amount of music video work he's done. At least the visual style was more in line with the first film, making the second now seem like some renegade disaster on wheels. Now that I think about it, after seeing this one I may just go back to the second and give that trashy darling another chance at redemption.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot: What's with the random and senseless airbrushing on Milla's face, and ONLY her face in certain scenes? Not only is that distracting as fuck, but also a worthless act of violence against mine eyes. I read that this was done before the prints even hit the cinemas so don't worry about your copy at home, no matter what format. I don't know what they were "going for" or if they were going for anything when they did this, or maybe they're simply idiots, but the effect is garbage and those responsible should be punishingly stuck up the arse with the T-Virus.  

I've always been a supporter of all that is Milla. She is on every level talented and beautiful. This series, as it stands right now with limited fan appreciation and continued outrage over rape of the game title's stories and themes, would surely have been put to rest long ago without her. Things were done right here and there, but the peculiar thing about it all is, that even though it began all wrong, it seems that everything can be tied back together. Sure, there will be a malformed scar with ravaged tissue, but you know the thing about scars? They're sexy!

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) and Resident Evil (2002)

I had only seen bits and pieces of the Resident Evil films on television before I really got deep into the video game sequels, RE4 and RE5. I had played some of the original games when they first came out but never got around to owning any, up until RE4 a few years back. I'll be completely honest here and tell you that I was never a big fan of the gameplay method of the first games. Pressing up made you run downward, there was no real aim feature and the graphics of that time weren't up to snuff. Of course, what made the original video games stand out weren't the graphics, but rather the atmosphere and intensity of it all. There are strong and visually stimulating characters, very creepy and awesome monsters, and a diabolical villainous corporation with a cool logo and name. I bought Resident Evil 4 for my GameCube after doing some research. Many were complaining about the change in format, how now it's an over the shoulder shooter, and the complaints didn't stop there.

Resident Evil 4 didn't really feature traditional zombies, but rather a herd of Spanish townsfolk under a plague and  mind control; and for Resident Evil 5, pretty much of the same with different nationality. I cared not! And it's not really that big of a difference the way they handle these biological human monster hybrid weapons anyhow. Resident Evil 4 quickly became my favorite game, and once I got my PS3, Resident Evil 5 and my big ass high def television, 5 took over much of my spare time. RE4 will always have a place within me, as it is so utterly outlandish, unpredictable, frightening, time consuming and funny. But even though these two games took me on a RE thrill ride, I didn't really seem to take much notice in the films. That all changed the day I went to see the NoES remake, and the trailer for Afterlife 3-D played beforehand.

Resident Evil: Afterlife: 3-D (2010)

Consider me impressed! The past films have had bits and pieces of the video game series injected throughout (and unevenly), but Afterlife by far has more of my absolute favorite things about the series right here. I'll tell you straight out, they had me with the trailer. Filled with mindblowing shots from some of the best moments in the film, we catch glimpses of Uroboros, Wesker in his full badassness launching the sunglasses, The Executioner taking on the incredibly hot duo of Milla Jovovich and Ali Larter (drool!) in the prison showers, and Alice in full infultration matrix mode. I'm not really much of A Perfect Circle fan, but the song really fit the trailer and the whole presentation simply put, kicked ass. It got me excited, which is something of a difficult feat as of late. And though the 3-D gimmick has only been done right a few times in the past, my expectations were high with this one.

Like Paul W.S. Anderson's earlier RE scripts, he doesn't go about explaining much. Everything is laid out pretty simply, but leaves one wondering a whole lot when it's all said and done. Luckily this time around, he is back behind the camera in the director's position so no matter how it goes down, it's going to be a polished one. PWSA is the master of ultimate slow motion shots. Does he overuse them? Perhaps. But I'll be damned if that man doesn't know how to choose just the right shot and slow it down to perfection. The most notable example would have to be the finale during The Executioner battle, when Alice standing in front of Claire slowly raises that shotgun through the raining waters. It was perfect, everything about it. The fact that Wesker is the main villain (finally) this time around, use of SloMo is most certainly required. In the game Wesker has the ability to move so incredibly fast, that his scenes require the slower rate and Anderson certainly steps up his own game with his work here.

Afterlife's slow boiling introduction scene in Japan is breathtaking, where the camera takes its sweet ass time rising up from a beautiful young woman's heels to her hungry enraged eyes. She stands alone and still on the streets in the rain, while hundreds of Tokyo's finest pass her by, all with umbrellas held high. The hovering shot of her drenched hair, these haunting umbrellas and the menacing pounding music make it a most memorable opening credits sequence. Suddenly as one man passing by gets a long glance at her, she attacks(!), spreading yet again another outbreak unto the world. From here we're reintroduced to Albert Wesker, this time portrayed in an above average manner (His character and the actor playing him in Extinction couldn't have been more off. Uhg!). He's cool, cold and dressed for success this time around. When Alice and her clones silently slip into Umbrella's underground facility, we're given an all out heart pumping ninja massacre, and a small taste of the future Wesker/Alice battle to come.

These two introductory scenes are intense as fuck. So naturally things slow down a bit as Alice goes looking for her old friends, only to find Claire under Wesker's chest device's control. After beating the shit out of her and tying her up calming her down, she removes the device and takes her short term memory loss afflicted friend by plane to search for signs of life. She finds survivors on the rooftop of a prison (complete with the standard huge white 'HELP US' written for passing by aircrafts) and she, in an absurd and completely suicidal fashion, decides to land the plane on the roof (with not nearly enough space to do so). This place is completely surrounded by thousands of the zombified, and the probability that she'll be able to take off again with no runway is less than 5% so she just pretty much fucked herself. These people are your usual mixed array of zombie food and all get dealt with in one way or another. Despite being an abandoned prison, Claire's brother Chris was left in a special cell down in the lower depths of the place. When the survivors found him there they kept him locked up and fed, fearing that he may be super dangerous or some such shit. It takes a strangely long amount of time before he's let out, only to be shocked that his sister is right there with the others.

While playing Resident Evil 4 and 5 for the tremendously long periods of time that I have, I've become accustomed to Leon, Ashley, Chris, Sheva and Wesker. Shawn Roberts plays Wesker here, and I think he does a bang up job. The look is only slightly off, but so well done that it becomes less than noticeable. Wentworth Miller of 'Prison Break' fame plays Chris Redfield. At first I was a bit speculative and uncertain, but I guess as time goes by I can see him becoming more comfortable in the role. I don't see how he needed to be imprisoned for the story, like some sort of reference. It's all a bit strange but you gotta get over those kinds of things. With some tweaking his introduction, appearance and incorporation into the storyline could have been improved and I suppose that's really my only complaint. If you really want to get into it, I guess the same could be said about every single important character in these films, so what the hell. Moving on.

One character who was done justice is The Executioner. He came in at the most precise moment in the film, ominous, alone and dragging his axe. Approaching the prison, he delivers a strong and terrifying impact and during his battle scene he's fierce and seemingly unstoppable. His look is dead on, his actions are dead on and his assault on Alice, Claire and poor Split Kim Yong is what takes this film into badass status. Afterlife has the best use of the 3-D platform that I've ever seen apart from the My Bloody Valentine remake. So far these two are the tops and nothing else is coming close to sizing up, despite either being shot with 3-D cameras or not. Whoever and whatever teams worked on these two films, they knew what they were doing and just got it. Paul W.S. Anderson's style is suited for 3-D as well. It was truly a great mixing where everything just came together to look and sound as amazing as it could. The Soundtrack from tomandandy is pulsating and mind-bending, and gives each scene a amped up feeling.

When Alice discovers that the safe place she's been searching for this whole time is actually a huge cargo ship and not an island, she and the others make their way there. The zombie mayhem, escape scenes and amount of gunpowder n' quarters is utterly absurd. When the chaos finally hits things get rediculous and nearly approaches, yet somehow eludes, stinky cheese. Zombies with a new strain of virus, Uroboros in nature but not named aloud, pop up from all sorts of nowhere ready to devour. Yet in victorious fashion, Alice, Chris and Claire make it unto the ship only to find what they of course, should have known: It's a trap! Umbrella Corp's seemingly abandoned yet functional ship, familiar kidnapped victims organized in the computer system and their bodies stored in Stasis Chambers, medical supplies and weird looking corpses as subjects... and there, sitting alone with his split-head zombie dogs, enjoying it all, Albert Wesker! Black leather trenchcoat, glowing red eyes beneath the sunglasses, cool as all shit, and ready to play.

Resident Evil (2002)

Despite my immortal lust for Milla Jovovich, I ignored her leading role series of zombie films (WTF? I know!) on the assumption that it just plain sucks. I don't know if I did myself a favor by doing so. Would I had liked the films as much as I do now if I had seen them back then instead of all back to back this year starting with the latest? My toleration for films and hatred that they may produce has been changing in a unique fashion lately, much like the T-Virus running through an adaptive system. I'm far more apathetic than I used to be, and less likely to thrash. After RE: Afterlife 3-D kicked some serious ass, I felt it was about time to go out and buy the Blu-Rays of the first three films. I ended up getting the Wal-Mart Exclusive Steelbook Editions, even though they all have the same bonus disc in each one, my PS3 RE5 is the Steelbook boxset so they all match.

Milla Jovovich plays a mysterious woman named Ada Wong Alice, who awakens naked in the shower (hubba hubba!) not knowing who she is or why the fuck she's got an arsenal of weaponry in her panty drawer. Soon thereafter comes familiar and exciting fanboy thrilling camera shots that echo moments of the games. After some swift investigation, Alice is slowly walking through the pillars outside of the door, and then !Ravens Scare! She's pulled back inside the Mansion and so begins the tale of the extra characters ready to die. After getting high with the help of her newly rediscovered friends, Alice goes down the rabbit hole into the HIVE, unarmed and unknowing about the situation. Soon she discovers not only what has happened to all those poor souls down there, but also that she's got something special inside of her. That she's a totally hot super soldier in a short red nightgown that she calls a dress.

Some hardcore gamers were turned off by the first film since Alice wasn't a character from any of the video games. This is understandable. Back when this came out my tolerance for sci-fi was about next to nothin'! That on top of the fact that Michelle Rodriguez was spoutin' off one liners with a bulldog veil kinda turned me off. So I had seen the trailers and was interested for Milla, but heard that this film had nothing at all to do with the game, so I passed. Fast forward to now and after seeing the last film, the first film, watching the director's interviews and Documentaries in the extras, I've come to the conclusion that Anderson has done a worthwhile job. The games are great on their own for their own reasons. I don't need to see a shot by shot remake of Resident Evil 4 with Leon and Ashley. Would I like to see a film made from RE4? That would make me f'n cream cargo shorts, but it's not going to happen. The films are their own universe and that's splat. Though that's not to say that I don't have problems with the first RE film, sure I do.

I'm a BF of the story Alice In Wonderland. Big Fan to those wondering. Apparently so is the director of this film, Paul W.S. Anderson. (By the way were you aware that there are two directors named Paul Anderson and only "one of them is good"? - Well that's complete bullshit, this movie and RE: Afterlife prove that he's got some madskillz.) While I'm aware that the numerous references to Alice In Wonderland may serve as a mask, it totally works and there is no denying that. While these references are easily identified and obvious, they have no trouble blending in with the story that he wrote - A story which was written with enthusiasm and love for the series. People to this day, fuckin' hate on PWSA, saying he RUINED EVERYTHING! Alice may as well just walk onto the 1986 Transformers Movie, push Megatron out of the way and kill Optimus Prime herself! PWSA did something brave, something reckless, and made a franchise of movies out of video games involving something we all love, zombies. All this talk about him not "Staying Trv" should be completely disregarded once you watch the film for what it truly is: A secondary story-based vehicle, preceded by a visually stimulating, faithfully shot, and influenced film.

There had to be sacrifices I guess, and adding extra expendable black-clad gunners played by the various was the deal to be dealt. I would have preferred less characters, and so would many out there considering the extras here aren't even big game names. Counterpoint: At least the big name characters aren't being raped. Counter-Counterpoint: The big name characters will be raped further down the line! No matter, most sequels are going to suck anwyays, though it's rare that they'll get a fourth and fifth chance to redeem themselves. Bad CGI has certainly come a long way since 2002, and with the help of a bigger budget it certainly doesn't stick out so much in Afterlife. The first didn't rely too heavily on CG, but rather an array of practical effects with CG mixed in, and occasionally some horrid CG thrown in your face. The zombie with half his face missing for instance, while out loud laughable, is kind of charming in its own way. Also, when the Licker finally escapes from the sleep chamber it's a bit cartoony. I don't really mind the bad CG all that much, and it didn't distract me from the flow of the film in any way. 

A lot of this was helped out by PWSA's beautifully framed shots and vision, set directly to Marilyn Manson's and Marco Beltrami's unsettling and remarkable score. Slow panning and zoom shots set to these robotic hardcore alien electronic pulses were merged together brilliantly and really creep through your system. When the film takes its time and slows down, and these sounds have their chance to slowly emerge, is when everything achieves near perfection. Props also go to the stunt team with Milla, and the SFX team for their killer rendition of the Zombie Dogs and mutated final Licker boss. That was a lot of hard work that payed off and gave the film some of its more exciting moments. Paul W.S. Anderson really payed attention to the minor themes of the game, such as overhead shots and going through doorways. Sure, those little extra touches may not be enough to make up for the fact that he RUINED THE RESIDENT EVIL FRANCHISE FOREVER(!), but it was after all, a nice gesture to the fans. Not to mention that this series rocketed Milla Jovovich to superstardom, and for that, we should all be grateful.

...

Despite their obvious surface flaws, Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Afterlife are more than welcome additions to the RE franchise. The non-video game character of Alice give fans of the games something new to work with and be entertained by. There is a lot to be asked when it comes to fanboy mentality, demands are made and verdicts are for the most part unforgiving. What started off as a downhill slope of a series has been lifted with this latest film. There is a lot of room for improvement, but things certainly seem to be headed in the right directions. It was nice for the powers that be to let two relatively unknown and not so spectacular directors tackle the second and third films, but it just wasn't right (I'll be posting on Parts 2 and 3 next). If this next RE film is handled properly, it could possibly be the best one yet.

Year In Review: 2009 Cinema Viewings

The first time I can ever remember going out to the movies was in 1989, to see Batman. I was only eight years old when my mother took me and my friend to see it. I was amped up on fuckin' candy and soda, had a pocket full of Garbage Pail Kids and Batman cards and was screaming Pee-Wee Style like a little idiot! When I think back on that day, I remember knowing that the movie was going to rock even before I saw it... but I was NOT however, expecting to piss my freakin' pants as the Joker joy-buzzered that son of a bitch and left his greasy, smoking skeleton in that suit and tie! That shit scared the crap out of me. No joke. F'n warped my brain, maaannn!

After that and throughout my teen years I would hit the Cineplexes, Drive-In and the Local One-Screen sporadically. It wasn't until around 2000 when I started going more and more, and around 2006 when it started becoming more than a hobby. After last year, I found that I had become addicted... and while I haven't really sat down and figured it all out, I know I'm going to go less this time around. In 2009 (click HERE later for my DVDAF listing), I kind of went off with my trips to the cinemas. By that I mean, I probably made about 69 or 70 showings. My 2008 could be somewhere around 44 showings. Why did I go that much? Aside from the fact that I feel really "at home" and excited in that dark place, there are a couple reasons and they're probably reasonably normal. I either, wanted to see the film, was bored and just went to see one, or was taken to one (which I didn't exactly want to see).

I was more than reluctant to see Hotel For Dogs, not that I have anything against Hotels... well, now that I think of it. Nah, you know what, Hotels and Dogs can both go to hell. But what was I going to do? Then there's The Proposal and The Ugly Truth, way to tarnish a good enough list but I guess sometimes it's ok to shut the old brain down for a while. All that drama aside, I had a lot of fun times, and I got lucky this year in that I got to see some of my absolute favorite films on the big screen (in a room full of weirdos, students, druggies and aging hipsters). Dario Argento's Suspiria, Wes Craven's Nightmare On Elm Street, Roman Polanski's Repulsion, Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, OMFS... let's check the stats on some of the horror classics:

Alien (1979)

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987)

Friday the 13th (Alternate Version) (1980)

Gremlins (1984)

My Bloody Valentine (Edited) (1981)

Nightmare on Elm Street, A (1984)

Repulsion (1965)

Shining, The (1980)

Suspiria (Edited 'X-Rated' UK Version) (1977)

Not too bad. Suspiria was a 'rare British Technicolor print' and looked f'n amazing! The level of detail, clarity and color was spot-on perfect... but when the heart stabbing was skipped over there was a bit of rage that I felt clouding up in my brain. I clenched my jaw in anger, but tried to not let it bother me. And I kept trying as a few shots of the dog chowing down on his master's neck and my favorite straight razor throat slicing were nowhere to be seen as well.

Of all the above movies, My Bloody Valentine faired the worst in terms of the print. The film was CUT to shit, drained of color and scratchier than usual... and I like scratchy. Not that I regret anything about it, seeing this double feature with Friday The 13th, on Friday, February 13th was pretty sweet. But after staying late for this midnight showing, myself and the few that remained seemed fairly disappointed. Especially after the packed house of hollering, screaming and stoned people who made F13 a blast.

Nightmare On Elm Street was nightmare come true to see, as it is one of my few rare Full Stars favorites. It was supposed to play with Ghostbusters, but something happened there and I think when they opened the canisters found Gremlins inside instead. Oh well. Evil Dead 2 on Halloween was rowdy as all hell and just fantastic atmosphere. People were going nuts and some of them had to be restrained, almost... they probably just smoked some more weed and calmed down. Alien is a classic in Space Horror and there's nothing wrong with checking out Ripley's tee shirt at the end.

The Shining, which was the first movie I went to see in 2009, is simply put, meant to be seen on the big screen. Until then, I had only ever seen The Shining on home video, on small televisions. The cinematography inside that hotel and how Kubrik handles it is masterful. It was a whole new experience for me, and now that I've got my Home Cinema set up (minus extravagant sound system - sigh), I'm hoping to check it out again soon… The same as I will when I grab Repulsion on BluRay. Polanski's film is intoxicating and really got inside my head... it's high on my list of best films ever made. Next time you find a few hundred bucks in your wallet, I say go out and pick up the Criterion BD.

Friday the 13th (2009) (x2)

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Let the Right One In (2008)

My Bloody Valentine (3-D Version) (2009)

Orphan (2009)

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

Zombieland (2009) (x2)

Let the new horror classics come to pass! Let me start off by saying that I've seen quite a few 3-D films in the last two years at the Cinema, and NONE OF THEM can match the 3-D that My Bloody Valentine pulled off. I don't mind subtle 3-D, but I am not anti-gimmick shots. MBV was filled with sick ass slick shots that were right in your f'n face... case in point, that shotgun wielding old-dude with the sinister laugh. I could see that shotgun floating over the first fifteen rows, and it was killer! (How anyone could glorify Cameron like he f'n invented 3-D with Avatar need to get their damn heads checked. And anyways, there was hardly any of it going on with his movie... weak, at best). Oh, and not only did MBV wow me on the visuals but the movie was just f'n great, taking a pickaxe to the original with a furious vengeance.

Got to see two more that people all over the net were raving about, and after viewing them, I know now why. Trick 'R Treat and Let The Right one In... Both of these are instant classics and just so beyond greatness that it's almost scary. While the top grossing movie ever at the moment is giving people post-traumatic depression disorders (bullshit), these two movies which crush it by all means, are making people feel goooooood. Good like they smoked a fatty and drank all their dad's beer.

I dig the new Friday film. The intro was awesomeness, the nudity was total sweetness and I mean, who doesn't dig underground tunnels? Best damn "let's see them titties again" under the dock death ever created, and Jason even checks out his new mask in the mirror. Vanity? You bet your ass! A month after seeing this I snuck in and saw it again after seeing Taken. I just had to do it, it was too crusty and I needed to see it once more.

Zombieland is one that I didn't think would be too good, and while there's something about it that's a bit empty, it surpassed my expectations. That slow motion For Whom The Bell Tolls intro definitely didn't hurt... and neither did the biggest scare moment of my f'n life when they showed that clown creeping under the bathroom's stall door! Shocked the hell out of me, then left me laughing uncontrollably for ten minutes after to the point where I almost had to leave so other's could enjoy the rest.

A lot of people were talking shit about Orphan before they even saw it, but once they did, I guess most of them either changed their opinions or just shut up. I thought it kicked ass, and I didn't think it was going to. But things got Evil, Hot and even more Evil which you know I tend to enjoy.

Jennifer's Body is most definitely the best film of 2009. No doubt about it. Don't doubt me.

Best Worst Movie (2009)

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Final Destination, The (3-D Version) (2009)

From Inside (2008)

H2 ( Halloween 2 ) (2009)

Last House on the Left, The (2009)

New Moon, The ( Twilight Saga ) (2009) (x2)

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Unborn, The (2009)

Uninvited, The (2009)

Best Worst Movie is Michael Stephenson's documentary on the film he starred in, Troll 2. It's an honest, intriguing, uplifting, sometimes saddening and fun film. He and star George Hardy were in attendance and talked a bit onstage afterwards. I've loved Troll 2 from the first time I saw it, probably around 1996. I think I may have rented it on VHS along with Bad Taste, hmm... and I'm definitely down with this whole T2 phenomenon that's going on with screenings and green food parties. It's badass.

The Final Destination in 3-D was pretty sweet for a movie featuring very uninteresting main characters. The 3-D was above average and from what I've seen, second best to MBV. That ‘Nascar’ destruction was particularly brutal and I smiled during every blood splattering second! Some of the film is laughable, and the whole pool sucking out the dude's insides scene had my eyes rolling in circles, I still liked it. Drag Me To Hell was also a fun little getaway from the horrors of living life. I don't think it was as good as others have said, but it does get up there on the average of other crap that's shoved down our gullets... not much unlike a fist elbow deep down our throats.

Kristen Stewart and Ashley Green are mad hot. Ashley's that kind of mad hot where you close your eyes in the shower and get soap stinging afterwards. New Moon's dream scene introduction was great, and one of the definite standout scenes. Apart from the hot, overflowing, teen Melodrama and depression there were some pretty funny scenes to balance it all out and make the film enjoyable overall. Overall that is, despite the horrible direction Chris Weitz brought. I don't mind them changing directors each film, but this guy is just bland as shit. Catherine Hardwicke delivered the absolute perfection in the way she framed and shot the first film. Weitz just doesn't make the cut with his simple style that couldn't be saved by his overrated CGI "expertise". Oh, and way too many shirtless dudes.

The Uninvited was a sleek and sexy remake of "A Tale of Two Sisters" which had me drooling over the three beautiful leads, Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel and Liz Banks. That's just damn good casting right there, no doubt about. There were a lot of really nice touches like how nobody ever talks to Alex during the movie, but you won't really notice if you're not thinking about it. The Uninvited played through smoothly and didn't drop out like The Unborn did. Thanks are due, however, to that film's saving grace, Odette Yustman. She basically is the movie. Drop dead gorgeous she is, and I wouldn't have been able to give the film what little praise I do without her looking so f'n good in every shot.

Paranormal Activity was really slow and the two leads were rather annoying, but it was interesting to catch this in the Cinema with a whole load of superstitious people and scared middle aged women out for a thrill. All these comparisons to The Blair Witch Project obviously won't ever end, but while TBWP is perhaps the worst film ever made (!), Paranormal isn't nearly as bad as it could have been. But it's still only "ok" enough to get a passing grade from me.

Rob Zombie's H2 gave me a powerful migraine headache, and from a guy who never gets headaches, I knew it had to be something awful. The loud annoying beats, pounding drums, flickering lights and dark baron fields which Mikey slowly makes his way across left my brain in pain.

John Bergin's slow still-picture animated film From Inside nearly put me to death. Sorry dude. It was a great effort on his part, doing it all himself like that, but damn, man... it should have been a 30 minute short.

I can't remember the Last House remake, as I was OBLITERATED at time of viewing.

Bugs! A Rainforest Experience (3-D Version) (2003)

District 9 (2009)

Gamer (2009)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Moon (2009)

NeverEnding Story, The (1984)

Race to Witch Mountain (2009)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (IMAX) (2009)

Watchmen (IMAX) (2009) (x2,one Regular Cinema)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Starting to get further away from Horror, there's still some level of disturbing imagary to be had. I first saw Watchmen at the IMAX, and was blown away. It's visually stunning, sometimes overwhelming (in a good way), the music was dead correct (some may say controversial, I don't think so), the material was class, the direction was splendid, and the violence... sigh... half the general public, hell maybe even more, were not expecting Watchmen to be what it is. Those are the facts as I say them. People were Aghast at the meat cleaver to the skull. The silence during the near rape sequence was so quiet that you could start to hear the ‘uncomfortableness.’ I counted quite a few kids there, ages six up, heh. One woman brought her twelve year old daughter to see the movie. I watched them as they walked up the isle, before they sat somewhere behind me. When that rape scene hit, then the blue tube sock, and then the steamy hot Sex on the Blimp... I just couldn't help but try to picture the look on that woman's face.

The Rise of Cobra was non-stop turn your brain off pretty action and just proceded to kick major ass! While all the characters were pretty much ruined from their cartoon counterparts in some way or another, it really didn't stop this one from ruling teh schools. Baroness and Storm Shadow have always been my favorite two characters and they're in nearly every scene. I'm cool with that. The ending leaves open what could potentially fix a lot of the film's flaws (which there were quite a few character-wise) and be an even superior sequel. I hope it all goes down that way. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a mishmash of me wanting to rip MY OWN face off, and me somewhat enjoying a bit of what I was seeing. The Decepticons get a lot more talking time, which isn't much and they're "fleshed out" a bit more... but I'm not a fan of The Fallen himself, nor am I of Megatron calling him "master". What the fuck is that? The IMAX scenes were awesome looking and the fight in the forest where SPOILERS Optimus Prime is brutally murdered by Megatron BOOYAH! was rather enjoyable. Soundwave with his tentacle rapishness on that satellite was hot too. But it could have been so much better! Michael Bay, I hope your films become stepping stones for much better and less ‘humany’ sequels, preferably made by someone else with a lot of money. Not James Cameron.

District 9 and Moon are both cool new worthy submissions to the Sci-Fi genre. They've both got some really creepy elements of terror, and are well made in design and graphics. Plus, Sam Rockwell is the man. Gamer is a decent Cyberpunk addition that is a lot more fun than it looks at first. Definitely check it out if you haven't yet, because there is some whacky-ass shit goin' on! Wolverine was cool for what it was, despite screwing around certain characters, but that's expected in any X-Men film, obviously. Hugh and Liev did bang-up jobs, and the rest of the cast was ok, but any of the film's wrongdoing can't be blamed on the supporting cast for after all it's the scriptwriter (and the people who gave his documents the OK) that's to blame. If Race to Witch Mountain was Rated R it would have been a hell of a lot better. The cast was good enough (love AnnaSophia Robb and Carla Gudino) and this may just be your last chance to see The Rock sporting testicles on film.

Did I mention that I got to see one of my very favorite films from my childhood years in a one day only showing? The NeverEnding Story! It's bloody brilliant. Some of the elements, mainly which this is a scary movie for kids, are now funnier than ever since we've grown older. For instance how Bastian talks to himself like a complete dork, or how all the characters seem a little bit gay. Especially that Luck Dragon, what the hell was up with that guy? Always grabbing Atreyu's butt cheeks and winking. Anyways, seeing this at the theatre marked a great f'n day in the year that was my 2009. And there weren't many, trust me.

9 (2009)

Avatar (3-D Version) (2009)

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (3-D Version) (2009)

Coraline (3-D Version) (2009)

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

G-Force (2-D Version) (2009)

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (3-D Version) (2009)

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)

Looney Tunes: Hair-Raising Hare (1946)

Looney Tunes: Claws for Alarm (1954)

Looney Tunes: Water, Water Every Hare (1952) (x2)

Monsters vs. Aliens (IMAX) (2009)

Monsters Vs Aliens was bland, but looked pretty and Ginormica is cute for a Toon. But it was too kiddy for me, whereas Cloudy With A Chance was just so randomly funny, nerdish and weird that I couldn't help but feel good after seeing it. Coraline had a way darker tone and is a pretty f'n sweet stop motion animated film, despite the 3-D being for the most part subtle. 9 was dark as all hell, which is great, but could have used a little something to spice things up. Something seemed off, or uh, unfinished about it.

Ice Age: Dawn had only about two good characters, but wasn't a full on waste of time as there were some good parts here and there. Still, I'm no fan of those films. G-Force sucked major arse. Please, no more... and Avatar: Pocahontas meets Dances with Wolves on a Blue alien planet. I don't mind both of those films, and I even think Wolves is downright beautiful. But this guy in Avatar is no Kevin Costner, baby, let me tell you. And despite the money this movie raked in, I'm really not seeing what's so "revolutionary" about it. The 3-D, quite frankly, fuckin' stunk. And there were a lot of cliché type things going on story wise, total recycled business. The hair tip feeler / organic bonding mechanisms were just plain gross. I however did like the graphics, and the way spots of the trees would light up as they were walked upon. Nice touch. I don't want to start hating this film because of the press its getting, but it's all affecting me in a negative way to the point where it just may do so. Because I don't really dislike the film as it is now, but it's not at all powerful as people are trying to make it.

Fantastic Mr. Fox is pure visual brilliance on the other hand. It's a definite must own ones it comes out in the high def format. I always love it when stop motion animation hits the screen or gets public attention, as it's one of my favorite types of film to watch. While I'm only moderately into Wes Anderson, this was great no matter what. On Halloween, apart from seeing Trick 'R Treat and Evil Dead 2, I got a free showing of Charlie Brown's It's the Great Pumpkin and some Looney Tunes Halloween shorts. The Great Pumpkin is kind of boring, but clever as Peanuts always is, and Bugs Bunny is definitely fruity.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Adventureland (2009)

Brothers (2009)

Brüno (2009)

Gran Torino (2008)

Greatest Places, The (IMAX 180° OMNIDOME Version) (1998)

Hangover, The (2009)

Hotel for Dogs (2009)

JCVD (2008)

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Ninja Assassin (2009)

Observe and Report (2009)

Proposal, The (2009)

Soloist, The (2009)

State of Play (2009)

Taken - Extended Cut (2008)

Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, The (2009)

Ugly Truth, The (2009)

Wrestler, The (2008)

JCVD is a brave step for Van Damme, but who knows what's going to happen with him these days. Ninja Assassin is incredibly violent, shocking and gross (with mucho CG) but pretty much brainless. Taken was better than expected, and Maggie Grace as the most lust-inducing movie daughter of all time was quite a treat. The Wrestler was a powerful film which I wish Aronofsky could have used a lot less tracking from behind on. There were standout performances from Mickey and Marissa (who spends nearly every single one of her scenes naked), nice, and another good showing from my main stalkee Evan Rachael Wood. Oh, and Todd Barry caught masturbating, PRICELESS!

The Ugly Truth and The Proposal each had about two or three good and/or funny scenes, and aren't as horrible as most every other film of that type. There's at least something for the guys in both of these, so it's not a total waste. Gran Torino and The Soloist both probably should have gotten more recognition than they did, as they're both well done dramas that creep up and get'cha. Brothers is a slow to boil pot burster, that is pretty much "a long version of the trailer." You've seen the trailer, that's the film, only drawn out to get deeper into emotional realms before shit goes boom! I'm not saying don't see the film and instead watch the trailer, but whoever wrote that was right about the movie. Taking of Pelham remake was ok at best, and Law Abiding Citizen was stunningly outlandish.

Observe and Report, and Brüno... hmm...

(500) Days of Summer and Adventureland were both pretty good non-comedy romantic comedies. I'd say give both of them a view, though, (500) is more quirkish and depending on your views on these kinds of people (I'm not going to use any annoying terms), might bug you. However, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has got to be one of the best actors around, so you can't go wrong there. The whole Reality vs. Expectations split screen was great, and how the film jumped around kept things more interesting than usual. Adventureland is somewhat dry, but it still feels good to the senses… even if Jesse Eisenberg is there. The Hangover was decent. I don't really see how it got as huge as it did, but I'm not really complaining. Personally I thought Pineapple Express the year before is far, far superior... but what do I know about comedies meant for seventeen year old drinkers and occasional weed users anyways?

So I guess that was my 2009 in the big dark, sticky floored, squeaky seat filled room. I'm not proud of all of it, but there’s nothing I can do about it either. And I don’t regret watching films either, for the most part. I think it was a Girl who once said, “If you don’t watch everything, then how do you know what’s bad?” Or something like that… My question usually isn’t if it’s going to be bad, but rather, how bad?