Saoirse Ronan and Alexis Bledel nun it up in Violet and Daisy (2011)

The "2011" film Violet and Daisy starts off like any other wet dream I normally have: Saoirse Ronan and Alexis Bledel are dressed as nuns (of course) looking gloriously fuckable, and delivering me pizzas. I answer the door baked out of my mind. I'm in my boxers, a holy shirt, one black sock and my dick's on hard. I look at them, then break the forth wall, winking at who is most surely the Dark Lord. Then they shoot me in the face simultaneously with about thirty-four bullets, since naturally they're assassins, and I don't wake up ever again.

No shit though something like that, but not really like that, actually happened to me back in the day. There was a knock at the door around noon. I was blitz'd out of my skull, high as fuck and thinking about ketchup chips. I walked to the door wearing sagging torn black shorts over my black boxers, one black sock and a black Danzig shirt. See a theme yet? I open the door and see the most hottestest looking 16 year old blonde chick that I've ever laid eyes on in my life. Not only is this girl immaculately beautiful, but she's also dressed like a total slut!

I see her and shoot a fat f'n load in my trousers before playing it off like I'm all good. She sees me, her eyes widen, and her vaginal crease moistens before clenching up. There was seriously like six stages of emotion in her face within that first couple of seconds ranging from initial shock, to humor, to excitement, to forbidden lust, to saddened restraint and then self composure. Then she began to speak to me about god. Yes, damp readers... as it turns out, this girl who looked like a way hotter version of Alicia Silverstone in her prime and on her sluttiest of days, was in fact a "Jehovah's Witness".

I was sickened and appalled, the repugnance in my throbbing balls, pulsating with disgust. While I would like to tell you that I invited her and she sucked my cock like I was the second coming that day, that alas, did not happen. I was actually so incredibly turned off by her overly-practiced recital that I simply told her that I was not interested and slammed the door in her face. Her gorgeous, glitter covered, pouty-lipped, wide-eyed, not-so-seemingly-innocent looking face. I hated myself for doing so, but I was so offended by the words that came out of her mouth.

I probably should have dragged her inside and delivered some payback. She most likely would have been offended by what went in to her mouth. But then again, probably not. I made a foolish mistake by letting her escape that day. Oh hey! Were you aware that I've got a "thing" for Saoirse Ronan? I mean, come on, "The Lovely Bones" anyone? This is the part where I say that it'd be lovely to bone her with my thing, or something like that, but what kind of childish perverted guy do you think I am huh!?

Selena Gomez gets Corrupted in Spring Breakers (2012)

...and if by "Corrupted" I mean she drinks a half pint of ginger flavored brandy, sings a little Britney Spears, smokes a whole cigarette by herself and then cries like a little bitch when things get hard then yes... like, totally corrupted!

Gorgeous Gomez here plays the "church grrl" stock character who of course becomes the first to break down and abandon the pussy pact. She's pretty quiet for the most part, aside from the moments she's sobbing and whining about going home. And she isn't nearly quite as annoying as Vanessa Hudgens's character who kept making this retarded finger gun silent *pow* gesture throughout the whole damn movie. Lame!

She gets her drink on...

...does a little time (presumably for being a mega hot chick?)...

...then James Franco sends her on her lonesome little way.

 And she's gone, just as quick as she showed up, you never see her again for the rest of the movie. Maybe she wasn't blonde enough. It could have been worse I guess. She could have gotten shot or even fucked Franco's character Alien. Oh wait, that would have been awesome.

Olivia Munn cockteases in The Babymakers (2012)

If you're thinking about renting The Babymakers starring Olivia Munn and Some Dude, directed by some guy who's movies I've never cared to watch more than five minutes of, then let me save you the trouble: It's not funny, and most of it sucks. Your time is better spent watching Russian dash-cam crash footage on youtube, or masturbating to coryscrappycinema's tumblr page. Both of which I am doing this very second while I attempt to fill this bullshit screenshot post with words for whatever forsaken reason I feel the need to do so. I let out a sigh, and continue typing.

I, like most of you sex-obsessed nerdlings, cannot get enough of Olivia Munn. Her "act" has grabbed me, gotten me stronghold and held me unlike, say, a Miss Hannah Minx for instance, who I'd most surely strangle to immediate death while fucking and not resuscitate for my own pleasure midway just to do it again. No, no... I'd make sweet sweet annoying ass love to Olivia. And by ass love I don't mean

In this movie Olivia wants a baby with some guy who looks like David Shwimmer and acts like a poor man's Seth Rogen. If the opening act is any indication of what's to come, then ejecting the disc and snapping it in half just to save the fellow Redboxer's is a noble deed in itself. Not only does this guy fantasize about his own wife while jerking off (seriously, who the fuck does that?) but he puts suntan lotion on her back during the nighttime hours! Sure, it's a dream and weird stuff happens. But in my dreams I see boobs, and lots of 'em! Sometimes even two at a time!!

Olivia Munn does not show her boobs here. She merely shows portions of them. Lovely, delectable portions of side boob! *droooool* And some Coppertone booty to uhh, boot, or something. What hurts the most is that she went topless in Magic Mike and looked like total shit, whereas in this movie she looks stunningly beautiful in all of her scenes and it would have been a lot more appreciative if she just took of them clothes here instead. But noooooooo...

They gotta go all Kate Beckinsale in Underworld 2 on us with their fancy guarded shots and shirts taped to nipples scenes. You know what? Fuck Beerfest, and oh yeah, Super Troopers can suck my dick! I'll never watch either of those shit bombs in their entirety after seeing a whole film from the guy who did those. And Olivia Munn is starting to piss me off as well. Do Cosplay porn or GTFO. Werd to your moms I gots hairy palms.

Olivia Munn wonders why she's in Magic Mike (2012)

I know why Channing Tatum is starring in it, because Steven Soderbergh has got his dick on hard for the guy naturally, that's why. But Olivia Munn, why are you in this relatively small, thankless and underutilized role? I guess SS has a thing for girls like you (Andie MacDowell, Sasha Grey, Gina Carano) and who can blame him really? Certainly I can't. All four of you are total babes. Well... I suppose it's not your fault that the script for this movie sucked ass or that everyone only got one take to do their lines. At least you're on the radar right? Even that blink-or-you'll-miss it role in Iron Man 2 garnered your name all sorts of attention in the news (mostly on the internet). Anyways, I was driving to work one morning and heard on the radio that you had "one of the top 10 nude scenes of 2012 in Magic Mike". Honestly, I can't even recall the other 9 lady's names. All I heard was "Olivia Munn" and "topless". And now, here I am, typing these words as if I'm speaking directly to you and you're out there reading them (I hope you are, by the way). ;)

I most likely was never ever going to watch the movie Magic Mike. I saw the trailers, I heard the buzz (actually from a forty-something year old woman and her friends in the cinema during previews one day talking about drooling all over Tatum's sweet little asscheeks - what a splendid conversation to be within hearing range of let me tell you - but hell, at least they're not talking about molesting Taylor Lautner anymore) and seeing as this is a movie about male strippers, it didn't really appeal to me all that much. For the next few weeks, I passed over this one at least a dozen times at the Redbox, each time stopping for a single moment and imagining Olivia Munn's supple boobs. Yet I still had no intention of even renting it. Then there came the day where I was bored as shit (I had already seen everything else) and decided, ah what the hell, maybe it'll be funny at least. It kind of looks like a funny movie.

But it wasn't funny! It was a really depressing movie with some really awkward performances and ended up being a total snooze fest. And on top of that, I think Olivia may have given Channing crabs. Magic Mike is totally not what you'll expect it to be if you know nothing about it and are going into it for the first time. Hell, they should have named the movie "Magic Mike's Life Totally Sucks Balls." If you consider having threesomes with Olivia Munn and some blonde who's name you've forgotten to totally suck balls that is. But aside from getting laid casually and driving a nice SUV, Mike's life isn't so much magic... but more like empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. Just like all the other pathetic characters in this movie, everything is one sad day after another and life is fucking shit! Shit I say. I guess the lesson is that nothing is really ever going to go your way unless you learn to cope and don't let the facade of a "glamorous" life fool you into unknowingly dying inside. Or something. 

I don't know. The movie didn't really have a direction to it, which I guess makes a lot of fucking sense since the characters have no direction in their lives whatsoever. Sure, Mike tried to get his dream of becoming a hip cutting edge furniture designer off the ground, but life had its way with him and cock slapped him down once again, shattering his dreams. Magic Mike is essentially a movie about drifting through life and doing what most everyone else on this earth will do, and that's becoming nothing, amounting to nothing, and (if you're self-reflective enough) realizing that existence is utterly and hopelessly worthless. So you better make the best of it while you can by having a lot of sex with random strangers, preferably two at a time. Because other than that (and even that doesn't amount to all that much as far as I'm concerned), you're Nuthin'!!

Olivia Munn's "so-called" #1 Best Topless Scene of 2012 wasn't all that great either. The lighting was extremely poor, the focus was hazy, the shots were pretty bad, it was too realistic and it happened far too quickly. Maybe I'm just a jaded guy. But you know, if she showed up dressed as Princess Leia or Chun-Li with those titties out it would have been the greatest thing evur. Expectations... meet Reality. I guess it's a case of art imitating life or life imitating art, but just like Magic Mike, I'm going to have to take what I can get and accept it. Who am I after all to complain about a beautiful woman like Olivia showing off her sweet teets. Time for drinks boyzzzz.

Danny Trejo is A MOTHERFUCKER in Bad Ass (2012)

When the popularity of Epic Beard Man reached soaring heights and made an internet celebrity (i.e. youtube sensation) out of Tom Bruso, it was only a matter of time before his already not so bright and shiny image would be unnecessarily mishandled for the sake of an incredibly shitty action movie. Internet "memes" are of course the next logical steps in storytelling these days (where else are new ideas going to come from?), and what better one to expand upon than the AC Transit Bus Fight I am a Motherfucker video! But trust me, this is no Safety Not Guaranteed... oh no... what could have been a heartfelt movie with a lot of emotion was only halfway thought up and the rest of it was filled with made-for-tv slop.

I love me some Danny Trejo. In fact, I think he's an awesome choice as the lead here. I know that Slick Tom there is an old white dude, and the guy he beat down was some trash talkin' black guy, but Trejo just works perfectly in this role. I don't even really mind that in the movie he beats down two skinheads who are threatening elderly folk on the bus. Facts are always changed in movies and little changes like that just have to be dealt with. I was actually pretty excited about seeing this when I rented it a while back, but after it was all done with I just felt really let down.

It started off nicely enough, with a shot of Dat Ass! Danny Trejo looked great dressed just like the dude. There was a girl wearing big headphones who looked kinda sorta like Amber Lamps, but like a frumpy totally not as hot version of her... then the skinheads showed up, and it was weird, but the bus scene played out and it ended up being a cool representation of the original event. As the film slowly progressed and Epic Beard Man became popular around town (and all over the net) it started to be a rather endearing film. It was gritty, depressing, and bleak. Just the way I like it.

Then Charles Dutton and Ron Perlman show up (two guys I have no problem with, in fact, I do enjoy their work), but man, the material that these two are given here with this lousy as all fuck script just turns this potentially uplifting movie about a guy forever down on his luck to a goddamn shlock-fest. Total z-grade action thriller type stuff ensues and it's all really lame. This second TRAILER actually does a decent job of making the film look somewhat better than it actually is, but even watching the first one or the film itself left me cringing. This could have been a hell of a lot better it the filmmakers didn't turn it into such a dumb emotionless turd by the end.

Safety Not Guaranteed is proof that a movie can be made out of something with as little background story as a newspaper clipping about a guy wanting a companion to go back in time, and if you've got writers and directors with heart, there can be an awesome film there. Bad Ass just leaves a bad taste in my mouth when it's all said and done. The story was changed so much that I bet Tom Bruso never saw a penny of whatever money was made from this. If I'm wrong about that let me know, because really I would like to know the facts on that. It would have been cool if he had a cameo at least, or it was dedicated to him, or he saw some profits. But I don't even know if he's aware the movie even exists.

I would recommend renting this or however you view movies these days just for a single view. But for me, the real story and multiple videos online about this guy are a hell of a lot more interesting than this flick. It's too bad, because like I said, there was a lot of potential with this project. It was just handled incompetently and by the looks of things, for all the wrong reason$$$.