July 31, 2013

Selena Gomez gets Corrupted in Spring Breakers (2012)

...and if by "Corrupted" I mean she drinks a half pint of ginger flavored brandy, sings a little Britney Spears, smokes a whole cigarette by herself and then cries like a little bitch when things get hard then yes... like, totally corrupted!

Gorgeous Gomez here plays the "church grrl" stock character who of course becomes the first to break down and abandon the pussy pact. She's pretty quiet for the most part, aside from the moments she's sobbing and whining about going home. And she isn't nearly quite as annoying as Vanessa Hudgens's character who kept making this retarded finger gun silent *pow* gesture throughout the whole damn movie. Lame!

She gets her drink on...

...does a little time (presumably for being a mega hot chick?)...

...then James Franco sends her on her lonesome little way.

 And she's gone, just as quick as she showed up, you never see her again for the rest of the movie. Maybe she wasn't blonde enough. It could have been worse I guess. She could have gotten shot or even fucked Franco's character Alien. Oh wait, that would have been awesome.

July 7, 2013

Olivia Munn cockteases in The Babymakers (2012)

If you're thinking about renting The Babymakers starring Olivia Munn and Some Dude, directed by some guy who's movies I've never cared to watch more than five minutes of, then let me save you the trouble: It's not funny, and most of it sucks. Your time is better spent watching Russian dash-cam crash footage on youtube, or masturbating to coryscrappycinema's tumblr page. Both of which I am doing this very second while I attempt to fill this bullshit screenshot post with words for whatever forsaken reason I feel the need to do so. I let out a sigh, and continue typing.

I, like most of you sex-obsessed nerdlings, cannot get enough of Olivia Munn. Her "act" has grabbed me, gotten me stronghold and held me unlike, say, a Miss Hannah Minx for instance, who I'd most surely strangle to immediate death while fucking and not resuscitate for my own pleasure midway just to do it again. No, no... I'd make sweet sweet annoying ass love to Olivia. And by ass love I don't mean

In this movie Olivia wants a baby with some guy who looks like David Shwimmer and acts like a poor man's Seth Rogen. If the opening act is any indication of what's to come, then ejecting the disc and snapping it in half just to save the fellow Redboxer's is a noble deed in itself. Not only does this guy fantasize about his own wife while jerking off (seriously, who the fuck does that?) but he puts suntan lotion on her back during the nighttime hours! Sure, it's a dream and weird stuff happens. But in my dreams I see boobs, and lots of 'em! Sometimes even two at a time!!

Olivia Munn does not show her boobs here. She merely shows portions of them. Lovely, delectable portions of side boob! *droooool* And some Coppertone booty to uhh, boot, or something. What hurts the most is that she went topless in Magic Mike and looked like total shit, whereas in this movie she looks stunningly beautiful in all of her scenes and it would have been a lot more appreciative if she just took of them clothes here instead. But noooooooo...

They gotta go all Kate Beckinsale in Underworld 2 on us with their fancy guarded shots and shirts taped to nipples scenes. You know what? Fuck Beerfest, and oh yeah, Super Troopers can suck my dick! I'll never watch either of those shit bombs in their entirety after seeing a whole film from the guy who did those. And Olivia Munn is starting to piss me off as well. Do Cosplay porn or GTFO. Werd to your moms I gots hairy palms.

July 6, 2013

Check out this new shirt I got!

Remember that Three Wolf Moon shirt a few years back that gained immense popularity on amazon.com after all those reviewers started claiming that it made them irresistible to women, caused remarkable streaks of good luck whenever worn and had magical properties? Yeah, I too thought it was a ridiculous pop culture phenomenon as well. There were quite a few spin-offs and overall it was entertaining for about a whole day. I never bought into all that drama, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe!

Thanks to the almighty Wal-Mart I visited the other day, I found one which I too could display upon mine self. Yes indeed, an EVIL version! Muaahahhaaha. *cough*

May I strike fear into my fellow brethren this day as I wear its awesomeness throughout the many towns.

July 4, 2013

Boulevard and Seirra Nevada TERRA INCOGNITA

Boulevard and Seirra Nevada TERRA INCOGNITA - Ale Aged in Whiskey Barrels (2013)
Brewed and Bottled by Boulevard Brewing Company in Kansas City, Missouri. USA.
Collaboration Brew (Limited Release).
25.4 fl. oz. / $13.95 USD / 8.5% ABV

About: "Situated at opposite ends of the California Trail, pioneering breweries Sierra Nevada and Boulevard have once again embarked upon a journey into the unknown. It was in 2012 that we first convened to craft a beer for SAVOR attendees. And it’s that collaborative effort, aptly named Terra Incognita (Unknown Land), which brought us together to relive our collective adventure in 2013 - and this time we will release it out into the world.

Earlier this year, Sierra Nevada Head Brewer Steve Dresler and Boulevard Brewmaster Steven Pauwels met in Kansas City to create a blend of three components: Terra Incognita aged in Templeton Rye barrels / Terra Incognita aged in a 2,000-gallon foudre / Fresh Terra Incognita dry-hopped with East Kent Golding. The end result is a, fittingly, earthy beer, celebrating the unique terroir of our two locations. The blend incorporates (roughly) 45% foudre-aged, 30% Templeton-aged, and 25% fresh dry-hopped beer - all aimed at showcasing some predominant oak characteristics with a subtle hint of earthy hops. Then just prior to bottling we added a dose of the wild yeast Brettanomyces, and allowed the beer to age for over three months."

Thoughts: Wrestled with that damn cork and pried that sucker clean out. Tipped my glass and started pouring slowly at first, and even slower as the head got thicker and thicker. For a barrel aged beer this thing sure has a thick, fat head that isn't showing any signs of dying down anytime soon! Color looks to be a dark chocolate brown with some shades of burgundy. There's absolutely no seeing through this one at all.

The smell on this bastard is fan-fuckin'-tastic I tells ya! Kinda like an evil root beer a little bit. I'm trying to lean in and get more of a scent through this two inch thick foamy head on top that's not dissolving. *Ten minutes later* Well, the heads still there so let's see what we've got here: man it's a weird one. There's a little bit of chocolate, but it's not chocolaty, a little rye, some wheat, straw, cherries, oak, a thick layer of easy going malts and a touch of hops. It smells sweet, spicy and just a little bit sour all at the same time.

First gulp and I'm hit with that wild sour yeast that just rips my shit apart. I have a feeling that this beer may be infected... with awesomeness that is!!1 Haha, I keed. A loaf of super peppery rye bread slaps me upside the face, while a soft touch of coffee beans and stale root beer flows through. Doesn't taste all that much like whiskey straight up, but the aftertaste of whiskey is there with a little bit of a burnt rubber, spice and a lot of rye. After that initial shock, the sour stuff really dies down but the funk remains. It's a little dirty, grassy, spicy, malty, sweet and sour, and tastes a little of hay and watered down vinegar. There's also notes of raw figs and brown sugar. Still not getting much of that whiskey, if only remnants of a cheaper Captain Morgan knock off, but it did impart a small bit of overall flavor into the beer. Mainly though it's raw figs and peppered rye bread everywhere. Not that that's a bad thing I guess.

Mouth feel is super light, airy and really carbonated. It almost disintegrates once inside the mouth. Pretty frothy too. TONS of bubbles.

This beer is decent, though it feels as if they may have played it safe. There's nothing overly offensive here, and at the same time it's not all that great. The rising sweetness in each gulp seems as if it's hiding something else. Overall it's really malty and flavorful, just not extreme in any way. Last bit of aftertaste after sipping the end of my first warm glass is a bit of nuttiness and cigarette smoke. It's good but just like many of the others, a one time bottle for me. Not that I wouldn't mind seeing the next batch made though... and man would I love to go back home again! 

My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.