Devil's Due (2014)

Devil's Due (2014) 

Rated R for boredom-inducing self-cutting and childbirth learning.

"Not all miracles come from god." Yeah... more like "Not all movies have a written fuckin' ending." The "plot": A newlywed couple go on their honeymoon in Costa Rica, drink way too much, most likely get drugged and are lured into a Satanic ritual in which the wife becomes impregnated by "evil forces". Hilarity ensues. All of this is half caught on video, just like everything else that happens, or doesn't happen rather.

I knew practically nothing about this movie before I went to see it. My fourteen year old niece called me up and told me that she wanted to go see this with me, so I figured what the hell. We've gone to the movies together for years now, seeing such gems as the complete Twilight series, the first Hunger Games, House at the End of the Street and Orphan. All I knew is that there was this prank video on youtube with a psycho, demon-possessed animatronic Devil Baby that was sort of a promotion for the film. I must have watched the clip about ten times that very morning, and loved every evil second of it. By far one of the best pranks on the net, the video is just downright the most amazing fucking thing evur, so check it out. The movie Devil's Due however, I'll tell you not to check out, since it totally sucks newborn nuts.

First of all, that totally awesome demonic baby is nowhere in the movie, so don't go in expecting any type of old school special effects or anything. And because of that don't go expecting, you know, a real payoff to the fucking movie! Because what we can assume, knowing nearly nothing about the movie, is that this woman is going to give birth and The Devil is somehow involved right? What we're dealing with here is a total sleight of hand job, a con, a ruse, trickery, skulduggery, a flawlessly deceptive marketing scheme, and yes, I am aware I just typed hand job. What this movie actually is, is a poorly conceived (see what I did there?) "found footage" film full of irrational and extremely lazy plot points, as well as some really shitty CGI.

But perhaps the film's biggest crime of all? It's painfully dull and so excruciatingly boring. Not only does it pretty much become a documentary on a pregnant woman's hospital visits for a third of the runtime, but the other third of the movie is just one pointless scene after another. It's pointless because none of it connects or goes anywhere. Some "weird stuff" happens and then it's never mentioned again, not by the characters and not by any further scene development. I was OK with it being one of those handheld "oh hey I'm a guy holding a camera" movies since I haven't really been overexposed to them (last one I was was Rec 3, a far superior film to this drivel). Of course the writers of this shit found their limitations to this style and had to set up some sort of system to capture footage, since this dude can't just hold a camera every second of the day.

Throughout the movie there are people in the background watching this couple. They are what I can only describe as the most laid back, low pressure, non-violent, squeamish bunch of Satan Worshipers ever committed to celluloid. One man stands across the street watching the house and after the lady and her husband notice, they scream at the guy and he scurries away. For some reason, they wait about seven months into the pregnancy before they go installing hidden cameras in every room of the couple's home. And on top of that we learn that they've got a empty house they're all squatting in which is just down the street. Considering this "mysterious" group of people have already chosen their targets, and had a place set up so closely to them, why in the fuck would they wait so goddamn long to install these cameras? Nobody knows because it is some stupid ass shit that's way.

Pictured: Some crazy shit that's not in the movie.

I wonder if the dude across the street just went back to the run down house and told the other Sect members "Hey, this me standing across the street staring at the house like a fucking creepy weirdo thing isn't working out. Let's brainstorm some better ideas huh?" And the other guys were like, "Well we got all these monitors and camera equipment just laying around by our dog food bowls full of human embryos, maybe we should use this stuff." After the husband starts getting paranoid by his wife's "freaky" behavior, he decides to watch the footage from his honeymoon on the computer. He finds some strange ritual occurring while they were passed out, so he calls up his friend to come over. All of a sudden when he turns around the discs are missing. Really? He walked from the living room to the front door and they just disappeared? That is some weak ass shit.

There comes a point where the wife, who is a conveniently a "vegetarian", stares at the meat section in the supermarket for a long time. You immediately know that she's going to start gnawing on the raw meat, because you've seen it a thousand times before, and that's exactly what happens. There is a mesmerized kid in the background and his disgusted mom witnesses what he's looking at she drags him away, which is one of the films few humorous moments. Then there's a scene when she's in lamaze class and gets to her relaxed point or whatever, and all the other women start writhing around in pain. That probably had to be the freakiest moment, bucause I was thinking unholy shit all these women are about to have bloody miscarages and there's going to be screams of anguish. It could have been a powerful and gruseome scene, but just like everything else in the movie the camera just jump cuts and we're left with nothing. Was that too grim of a thought for the filmmakers?

On top of a whole lot of nothing happening, and the wife showing some supernatural type abilities that are never explored once some shit actually does happen, the most anticlimactic ending of all time (perhaps beating out that shit movie The Blair Witch Project's lame ass end shot) just left me with a look of "are you fucking serious?" on my face. That was it? No demon baby? Nothing? The ending after the ending also does a real shit job off ripping of the 1977 film Satan's Blood aka Escalofrío (which, like Rec 3, is also a far superior film to this drudge). This movie is lazy, slow, irritating, tension free, disjointed, annoyingly shot, and for the most part just plain boring. Devil's Due is a stillborn mess which makes me wish I would have aborted that theater. Oh, and don't even get me started on the evil Quake logo.

Alucarda's Ultimate Corruption...

...and the Doctor who knew too little.

Mark of... the Devil!?

After Justine is brutally whipped and tortured to death by the priests and nuns sworn to "protect" her, Dr. Oszek enters the room and is horrified and disgusted by their barbaric, savage acts. "Release her damn you!" He finds Alucarda also strung up and clinging to life. "I'm taking this girl with me... before you kill her! As you killed Justine!" The nuns are ashamed of what has transpired, and cry in front of Justine's naked and bloodied body. The Doctor takes Alucarda back to his home, trusting that she is indeed not possessed as that would be rather unscientific, and lays her down in his daughter's bed.

Alucarda begins screaming in her sleep and is frightened when she awakes to find Oszek hovering over her. She of course freaks out when the doctor tries to touch her... but at that moment, his hot, young and not to mention blind daughter Daniela, walks in. "Don't be scared darling. She just had a nightmare." Alucarda is immediately intrigued by this strange girl. You can see that look of fiendish desire, that devious gleam in her eyes. "May I stay with her for a little hwhile father?" Daniela asks. The Doctor sees no problem with leaving his susceptible daughter in the grasp of this wrongfully persecuted and misunderstood young lady, no not at all.

Alucarda: "I'm afraid of dreams. The things I see are so real." Spoken just like her mother. She looks over the glossy eyed princess before asking her a question: "Have we ever met before?"

Daniela: "I don't think so. Because, I do remember people's voices." Daniela then caresses Alucarda's face before telling her how pretty she is.

Alucarda: "...and you are beautiful. Please don't go. Stay with me!" With that, another rainbow connection is formed.

Meanwhile, Dr. Oszek is, for some reason or another, doing a bit of reading up on SATAN.

He looks at the book, throws it down and yells "Rubbish. Pure Rubbish!"

Indeed it is.

Innocence.... From Hell!?

Was Alucarda born pure evil? 

Early in the film, while out and frolicking about, Alucarda and Justine stop as a group of robed men carry a coffin through the field. Alucarda knew the girl apparently, as she speaks her name and how she will soon be buried in unhallowed ground. Though very little to nothing is known about this girl Cynthia, who had recently "killed herself", and one may speculate that perhaps this girl had shared the room with Alucarda just before Justine's arrival. It is a strange coincidence.

Or it could be nothing. Right? Alucarda is after all, an observer of peoples. Though, on that same note, she doesn't seem to observe so much for too long without somehow becoming involved with matters eventually. That of course being due to her sexual intrusiveness and attempted subdued anger. 

Was Cynthia's body being carried away just something that Alucarda and Justine stumbled upon while giggling and roaming throughout the flowers? It's an interesting question. Alucarda brought Justine out there the first time after all, which led to a place where the strange Gypsy man and his goat faced wife taught them about forbidden interests. So then are we to assume that by chance, they had come across these burial rites?

It's as if Alucarda desired, nay, needed, to see this event. Even with the newly appointed Justine at her side. Death, and love, after all, is what interests Alucarda the most... and what better a way to bring up both of those subjects to a potential new lover? But if that is the case, is she acting strictly out of pure "EVIL" and lustful ambitions? Or is she simply mourning the loss of her previous girlfriend?

Perhaps both?

Sisters.... of Satan!?

After Alucarda looks on in bone chilling terror as Daniella loses her balance amongst the chaos and falls (for about five minutes in slow motion) down the stairs unto a skeleton, her life is like, sooo totally over. She's truly horrified at this moment. Even though she admittedly was beginning to go Bat-Shit crazy.

Was she planning on saving this girl from what she perceived to be the ultimate evil? She seems so intent on taking her with her, not out of lust mind you, but out of a caring nature. It's difficult to tell as she's painted in such a negative light. But negative light often brings forth the beauty and salvation in a gut wrenching soul aching to be free. Whatever the hell that means.

Was Alucarda not damaged once or twice by the time of Daniella's accident, but three times? What if Cynthia was Alucarda's first lesbian lover? Imagine in such a short time span, losing not only your first love, but the next two loves of your life. It's no wonder to me why Alucarda faded into dust.... Her anger had grown so strong from being deprived all this time of what she so desired the most. Love. Love with another young woman like herself, yes, but love nonetheless! So sad.

There is some freaky ass shit going on in To The Devil... A Daughter!

As if with a title like that I'd have to tell you such a thing, but you gotta trust me on this one. If you consider a blood covered demonic baby of Satan crawling up between your legs with a thirst for the insides to be some "freaky ass shit"... then you'd probably be freaked out a bit. Right girls? For the rest of you: If you saw it happening to a girl and she not only liked it, but stuffed that Demonic baby up her pretty little cooch and felt good about the EVIL of it all, you may just leave a little bit intrigued.

The things that nightmares... dreams I don't even know are made of!

Mikey likes it!

Awwwwwwwwwww! Look at it drool evil cuteness.

Push it right back in! It'll never be happier...

Nevermind that since Christopher Lee is about to slice an innocent baby's neck in teh name of Satan! Oh, did I mention that in this film Christopher Lee kills babies with sharp knives in the name of His UnAlmighty? Yes siree he does. That's like his thing here. I don't really gotta problem with it. After all, they're wrinkly latex.

He's about to smear some blood on the young lady's protector comes looking.
Only managing to get a few drops before the battle of the tits and bush begin.

 I think my job here is done.

Salute to Satan!

End.

Nastassja Kinski in To The Devil... A Daughter! (1976)

Nastassja Kinski. Famous daughter, model, actress, object of my obsession... she's beautiful to the bones, has posed with giant snakes, and her VHS cover for this film is Legendary based on the fact it's a picture of her wearing a totally see-through nightgown! Amongst some of her more popular roles, seeing her dressing in the classic black and white habit may just be... nay, IS my favorite. I know it doesn't take much to get me hard and rambling on, but this film just may be the ejaculate death of me.

 So beautiful. So tempting. So about to be Corrupted!

"What's your Favorite Satanic movie!?"

Every schoolchild should read that book.

 "Mother! Tell your children not to stalk my way..."

 The 666'th Element.

 Be it either Satanic powers, Undead bloodsuckers, or the classic Knives for fingers...

...dirty fingernails always make the girlies squirm during the night!

Unholy Passion: 5 Freaky Scenes from Alucarda (1978)

Spirits of the Past.



A grave situation.

After an afternoon of frolicking and combing each others' hair, Alucarda and Justine decide to play house in a dusty, cobweb-ridden Mausoleum. The doors slowly creak as they cautiously push their way in. Light, flickering musical notes with a hint of forbidden romance set the tone as we get a look around the interior of this strange building. The shot lingers on a Sarcophagus for a few long moments, before Alucarda mentions that she's been hearing voices "from the past". Recalling her Déjà vu, she leads Justine around by the hand and speaks to her of death and love. As Alucarda's words become more intense with each sentence, Justine retorts, "Alucarda for heaven's sake, don't talk of death!" 

"Then ask me the most simple question, what do I eat?" ... "Pussy!?"

Justine becomes concerned once more when Alucarda says that she was almost murdered. Holding her heart, where the pain had come from, Alucarda's words invite Justine into her forlorn world. When Alucarda suggests the two of them make a love pact in which their blood shall be as one, the submissive as always Justine agrees. At that moment, Alucarda's face goes from sweet and loving, to completely insane and then delightfully deviant as she pulls from her sleeve and produces the knife she had taken from the Gypsy-Goat man. She holds out her hand, and Justine is slow to reach out but does so, as it is what her new found lover desires. Before Alucarda can slice into her offering, yet completely horrified girlfirend however, Justine pleads for her to stop.

Love spurts.

Without pause, Alucarda comes up with another idea. The two shall swear by the corpse of the woman in the stone coffin besides them. "Lucy Westenra. Died in 1850. Fifteen years ago Justine, our age! Let's swear by her." Alucarda quickly opens Lucy's resting place up, much to the mortification of Justine, and the two girls are hit with some sort of agonizingly painful, ghostly power. Alucarda writhes in pain, pulling at her hair while Justine screams, terrified and worried for her. Mysterious noises that sound like heavy breathing and soul penetration fill the room, before the girls go running for their lives. "I told you this place frightens me, and now look what's it's done to you!" says Justine. The two then head back to the orphanage.

The Blood Pact! 

After the seemingly-possessed Alucarda gets medieval on Justine's submissive ass, she demands their love pact to be pledged in nothing less than BLOOD! Hey, my kind of woman. "We Shall make them Pay!" Suddenly out of the shadows, the strange Gypsy Goat-man arrives once more, and hell, just in time with that dagger that Alucarda had previously desired and/or stolen. He agrees with her assessments of making 'them pay', and proceeds to begin the following ceremony with some "Rain... unt Thunder!"

Bloody Kisses!

"Now Call Them... Call Them.... CALL THEM!" Alucara at this point goes Ssssssatan crazy, screaming out the various names of His Devilness, while bending backwards at some six hundred and sixty-six degrees. It's quite astonishing actually when you see it, and one of the first thoughts is "How does she do that?" Well, don't worry a single little bit because a few seconds later you're showed just how she does it, because now she's completely fucking Naked! God damned and all that, Gypsy Goat-man rips off Justine's clothes and sits them facing together on their knees. He places the dagger between their hands and raises it upwards. "You will blend into each other... and then, into me!"

Gypsy Goat-man performs his strange-ass half-silent ritualistic cutting of their young and nubile titties, afterwards allowing one another to lick off the knife blood from his fingers and despair in their horrid situation. The rain and thunder that's been coming down suddenly turns Blood Red as the girls drink each others' fluids. Now that the hard work is done, Goat-man disappears into thin air and leaves Alucarda gazing lusciously at Justine's bleeding tit flesh. Sweet! Finally it's just the girls... and me watching, of course! Alucarda leans in and kisses her true love. Titty blood on both of their lips! They share bloody kisses for about three minutes... before Alucarda swiftly makes her way down to Justine's blood-dripping left breast. As she starts to kiss, lick and suck away, Justine seems to completely lose her fucking mind! She screams like an insane woman, and her teardrops flow down Alucarda's face. Very gothic romantic.

As if things weren't uncomfortable enough for the average viewer, there's some crazy psychedelic music going off in the background. I happen to find all of this sexy though, so I'm good. I am however realistic enough to notice how uncomfortable this may make some people feel. Or how this scene in particular is supposed to convey a sense of unease. It's definitely weird viewing, but if someone doesn't get it I'm not going to sympathize with them. They can go fuck themselves with a crucifix. ;)

Orgy of the Undead!

The master.

A Mummy Sister gets down on her knees to pray for Justine after the strange and erratic behavior she displayed during the intense and scrutinizing sermon the night before. That is, if you can consider passing out to be 'strange and erratic' behavior. The two girls have once again disappeared somewhere and by the looks of things this Nun has every reason to be concerned. It just so happens that Justine and Alucarda are being led into the forest by the frazzle-haired, Wife of the Gypsy Goat-man... and she's coincidentally nude. Yup, into the forest, and straight into some sort of Satanic, hippie-commune, ritualistic, orgy of the damned! Gypsy's wife sits the two girls down upon the grass and welcomes Justine. A note of interest is that she does not welcome Alucarda as well. Hmm.

As the naked hippies begin to chant and circle around the girls, Gypsy Wife goes on about leaves and flowers and fruit, as well as other earthly delights. All the while Sister is back in her chambers, writing around in insurmountable amounts of struggling pain while begging Christ to not let any harm befall poor and innocent Justine. "Behold the body of thy new servant!", Gypsy Wife screams out. And thus, out of the light comes the Dark Lord himself, Goat Head Satan! Sooner than the Horned One himself commands his minions to get down to some dirty exploration of flesh, Toilet Paper Nun begins to cry Tears of Blood and Levitate. Naturally. All of the sudden a lightning bolt strikes dead the Wife of the creepy Gypsy Goat-man, and that party's over.

Death Bed Confessionals.

After Alucarda and Justine praise all hails to Satan in bible study, they both appear to black out for some short time. Though, Alucarda seems to be more aware of what has happened, while Justine appears weak and sickly. Mother Superior is informed of their blasphemous behavior and orders them to be seen by the doctor, and  also to go to confession as "they're not little girls anymore."

Look at the size of that thing.

Justine lays in bed, looking deathly ill, apparently "getting worse by the minute." After checking her pulse and laying his head upon her breast, Doctor Oszek informs the nuns that she is very sick and her heart is weak. At that moment, Sister Bling leans in and says "Pray Justine. Pray my Child!" The sight of Sister's huge effing cross necklace (<--Wut wut!1) sends Justine into a screaming, trembling mess which pretty much freaks everyone the fuck out. She covers her eyes, whining and petrified, mumbling while the Nuns look on, shocked and worried. Justine then lets out two blood curdling screams, and dozes off again.

Meanwhile, Alucarda has stepped into the confessional booth while wearing an incredibly arousing black veil over her face. She makes her statements, and confesses that she has done no wrong.

Sinned? You bet your ass.

"The facts were explained to me, my child. You have sinned.", replies Father Lazaro.

"I don't recall anything wrong.", says Alucarda.



"Liars rot in Hell for Eternity! I know for sure you were doing wrong."

"Yes, perhaps I have done wrong. I did not lie. I love life. With... with Justine. She came close to me. I love Justine. And, you call yourself Blessed and believe in the heavenly armies, and Worship Death!? I worship life!" Alucarda rips the veil away from her face! "Justine and I, we are not to be blamed. You are! With a black cover over your strong body. You're ashamed of it. You are afriad of life. Yet you would like to have me. Wouldn't you? Well take me! TAKE OFF THAT FILTHY ROBE!" Alucarda lunges through the booth and violently grabs Father Lazaro by the cock while he screams in anguish and retreats. Soon after, the Father orders an Exorcism! Justine is then dragged off, with Alucarda following shortly behind.

Rise From Your Tomb!

With my blood...

So Sister Burrito decides it's a good idea to 'go check on Justine's corpse', as she has been unjustly left in the mausoleum to rot before they bury her in unhallowed ground. She approaches the coffin slowly and cautiously, as she should. Obviously, this nun isn't as enthusiastic about opening coffins, graves and/or tombs as is Alucarda. She's scared. But she 'believes in Justine's honest and wrongly convicted soul.' So she opens the coffin that's conveniently been left on top of soil for easy tampering. Curiosity skins the cat, as she finds Justine completely nude, bathing in blood, when all of a sudden... her eyes bust open like a madwoman, vampire-zombie bitch!

...I'll find your love.

One of the most memorable moments of the film for most people, Justine rises completely nude out of a coffin filled with blood(!), and proceeds to scratch the shit out of her former 'friend' and Sister Nun. She bitch-slaps the hell out of stupid ass Angelica, but is eventually calmed down by her pleading and wanton begging. Justine may be undead, but her innocence still resides within. Her human side, the confusion and the regret that she shows after this attack is heartbreaking. Then as fate would have it, some dumb-ass bastard priests and the doctor run in out of the nowhere and douse her with Holy Water. Her body blisters and smokes! She screams in horrifying agony for what seems like half an hour, before coming to her undead senses, lunging forth and biting a fist-sized chunk out of that mummified bitch's neck! They both die shortly afterwards, with sister leaving more than enough spurting arterial juice to refill that now-empty coffin.

Justine dies twice in this. Tell me that isn't some fucked up nonsense. The most innocent girl in the whole film has to not only be tortured and killed, but resurrected and killed again. And that was after her parents had died and she herself had died a little inside. What a poor, poor soul. At least she had Alucarda as a friend though. Well... for how short of a time it was. And thus, as thus was the tale of two morning star crossed lovers.

Both life and love, could not be saved. She took them both... to the graaaaaaaaaave.

But why would the doctor of all people, and he being the one who opposed the stupidly violent nature of the excorcism that killed Justine, later go after her and Alucarda with holy water? Tune in next time to find out! For more Alucarda madness check out my Previous Posts on the film, and visit Adventures in Nerdliness (another cool site that has reviewed this movie).