April 10, 2010

The Demons Remake: Part 2

It's been a week and I hoped that it wouldn't take me this long for me to blog but I've had mad shit to do like going to the bar, playing video games, eating Maruchan ramen noodles, and jerking off. But I'm trying, really you've got to believe me. Here's part 2 of the Demons remake dream I've been uh... dreaming.








...but what of Tony the Pimp? The punker girl and the other two punk dudes? The blind guy, his (daughter? niece? wife?) Liz and that bald dude she's making out with? Or even that mean old crusty dude and his submissive wife? Stay tuned... for the final chapter (I hope)!

April 3, 2010

The Demons Remake: Part 1

When most people think about their absolute favorite movie, they dread the thought of it eventually being remade. Me? I dream of it. Of course, I know what I’m about to lay down is damn near impossible… but I am trying to keep it within the realms of a certain sanity, somewhat at least. I know that if Demons was remade it wouldn’t nearly compare to the complete and total domination of awesomeness that I’m about to present with my cast choices. So allow me if you will, to present the first six of those to come:









Listen and let me know what you think audience.

March 28, 2010

The Slice Girls CD...

Many of us have undeservingly had to endure the wrath, somehow or someway, of John A. Russo’s re-cut and re-edit of Night of the Living Dead. Dubbed the 30th Anniversary Version, many people, horror fans especially, proclaim it the “holocaust of horror tampering.” Russo did something unspeakable, and though the original is still in tact and readily available (unlike what some other filmmakers are doing these days), I sometimes wonder…

…what power did this “Scott Vladimir Licina” have over the man? Was it love, lust, or even perhaps both? Russo may have always had this vision, but never really went about it, you know? It’s as if it were something you would speak of to… a lover, asking an annoyingly ass question. “My regrets? Oh, I’ve always wished we got those extra fifteen minutes of Night. I’ve got the budget now, but if only I had a totally serious about being a dark soul vampire being who plays synth and doesn’t mind portraying a priest for the role.”

I don’t know. Maybe it was all business. Who cares really? At the time, I had been a devout follower of Scream Queens Illustrated, Draculina, and such magazines… and there were a lot of independent film mags that popped up in the comic shops around those times that are now defunct. Just like this guy’s career apparently. I still have Issue 8 of SCI from 1995, with Debbie Rochon on the cover. I got a couple other mags with Debbie on the cover too actually, so I guess you could say that even at that grand young age of 15 I was an uber-fan.

So when I was notified that she had done a CD with some other Scream Queens (one which is a parody of the Spice Girls) and it’s signed by all four girls, I said what the hell. Somehow, and I don’t know if she wanted to, he got Steffanie Pitt (daughter of Ingrid) to do lead vocals on the parody CD, with Christine Cavalier, Tammy Parks and Debbie Rochon on background vocals. It’s definitely an interesting and probably now rare piece of independent cinema offspring bullshit work, and according to the girls (as far as I know) it was all done for fun. I can only hope that all parties involved feel the same way.

The first two parody songs are cute and well done, probably since they stick so close to the source material. Which in itself is pretty horrible anyways… but you know what, I don’t mind all that crap. I can dig a few shitty pop songs on the radio sometimes. I know if you hear them enough, you’re susceptible to brainwashing, but realistically, The Spice Girls never did shit for me. For this guy “Vlad” to even study enough of their tunes to copy two and a half tracks, plus do his own horrible Techno remixes to a few, I don’t know. I’d bet he’s a real fan of the original group, but then again, this release is so half-assed.

Perhaps this was an extra in the budget they used for the RotLD re-do. All I know is this, I like the characters they came up with: Debbie as the mummy girl Isis (I’ve got pics but I’ll have to dig them out), Steffanie as the blood sucker Vampee, Tammy as the witch Kraftee and Christine as the Bride-ish Franken. Nothing was really over-explored, especially the “music”, which I bet the real group would have considered suing over, up until they heard “Vlad’s” “creative” remix tendency to shift sound (on crack) from left to right speaker as if that’s “creepy” somehow.

Dude, it totally sucks balls. The remixes are absolute shit, and the whole thing is pretty much as f’n ghey as you can get. But the first two tracks are funny on their own… and hey, I guess it supported four very cool ladies. If you can find it on the cheap I say buy it and check it out for yourself. It’s just a damn shame that this CD is basically a Single with extra tracks. Total weak effort and the dude on Synth just isn’t talented at all. I don’t know what Ingrid Pitt’s daughter has done since then music wise, since she’s basically the main attraction here, but I hope it has nothing to do anywhere near this fucking ass-clown. Good luck girls. Stay out of Hot Topic, you never know what kind of douchebags you’ll meet there.

March 22, 2010

The Japanese Demons Box Set...


I started blogging because of this dude: Jayson and there is no cooler motherfucker online than the guy. I don’t know if he’s trying to bait me here, what with his words on my total ownage of the Japanese Demoni 1 and 2 Boxset… but I’ll bite, because well, it ain’t nothin’ much but a chicken wing lunch. Moo Shoo Kung Fu, let me introduce you:


Yeah, thanks to Jay there I downright broke it out and carpeted the thing for pictures sake. First up an angle shot, then the stuff it comes with front and back… then as an added bonus, I took pictures of all the pages from the reproduction cinema pamphlet (which is the real treasure of the whole release).


We got the Japanese Program reproduction, Double Sided Mousepad, 2 (only 2?!) big ass Lobby Cards, a Metropol ticket (which is a nice touch) that features the # of your version, DVD’s, outer slipcard ad, and of course, the Mask (which is so delicate that I’m afraid to even try it on more than twice).


The weight of the box is decent, but it all could have been better… at least for the price (the original price, that is). I’m afraid to even hold this set most of the time. It’s like when someone hands you a newborn baby. Personally, anything with babies involved messes my shit up: Unless it’s me having a baby with Lindsay Lohan. That’d be sweeeeeeeet. Nothing like ruining a life of a newborn, am I right people?


March 21, 2010

Film!: Dracula 2000


Well it took me ten years but I finally got around to seeing it: Dracula 2000. Go ahead, say that title out loud without either laughing or groaning while holding your head in shame. If there’s any particular reason I can think of as to why I never picked up the DVD case to so much as even look at the back cover, it’d have to be that. Or perhaps it was those three sweet words above the title “Wes Craven Presents” that screamed out (no pun) to me “I gotta fuckin’ watch this movie!” It’s actually quite difficult to think of a movie with 2000 in the title that doesn’t completely suck. Some of them are so bad that they put the year in the title just to warn us, an awfully nice gesture if you ask me. But what did I think of Dracula 2000 you ask? Well it’s definitely not that bad. Don’t get me wrong, I use bad in a relative term… the movie of course sucks (no pun), but totally makes up for that in how badly good it actually is.

A quick pre-Queen of the Damned vampire appreciation of Heavy Metal is always smirk inducing. How about a modern day Mary and Lucy working at… Virgin Records? Or how’s this grab ya: Jeri Ryan, Jennifer Esposito and f’n Vitamin C as the Three Brides of Dracula? You can’t tell me that big D isn’t on top of his shit, even in his old age. Personally, if it were up to me though, I’d kick Mincy out of the group and bring in Monica Bellucci. That’s just a matter of taste though, really. Danny Masterson (all hail) plays the thug with the love for the camera mug Nightshade (which is probably the third or fourth gayest pimp name I’ve ever heard – Snowball and his hoes The Snowflakes from Lamberto Bava’s Demoni, topping the list) and he’s just delightfully fun to watch. Omar Epps gets a surprisingly awesome looking fang transformation that shocked me, as it looked that damn good, putting to shame many others I have seen (True Blood for example). And Jonny Lee Miller, does this guy ever not kick ass? Maybe I’ve seen Hackers a few too many times, but this guy can make even the corniest films seem badass simply by his mere presence.

But what’s this… what in the hell?! Gerard Butler as Dracula? What a strange notion. Next thing you know he’ll be playing The Phantom of the Opera, or The Wolfman… or hell, even Attila The Hun or Judas Iscariot. You know what, I wish that he had done the new version of The Wolfman. Fuck it, you know, I guess he can play the Wolfman in the Monster Squad remake coming up. Anne Rice was pretty pissed off when she heard that Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt would be portraying her beloved vamps in the Interview film, but I mean, look what happened there. They both aced that shit like no other pretty boys could have done. Gerard Butler though, I’m not sure just what to make of his performance. It wasn’t horrible that it took me out of the film or anything like that, oh no, it’s really just a bit bewildering. I’m so used to seeing the guy ham it up, and he was playing all dark and weird eyed here. Christopher Plummer (whose long career has seen him in other Jesus and Dracula pictures) plays Van Helsing’s “descendent” and gets to provide the story with some interesting developments, thanks to the weird ass script. Justine Waddell did a fine job as Mary, though sadly, I’m not as in lust with her as Dracula. Something between her and my brain didn’t click, but I’ll try not to dwell on it.

Despite being a new and hip take on the Dracula mythos, I think the story was pretty well done. Nothing was over explained, the mix of clouded lore and contemporary life was balanced, the twists as well as the tributes were welcome and not too half-baked, and there was some funky dialogue to keep those eyes rolling. The grossness and gore shots were great additions which the film really needed. The leech jumping off of Drac’s corpse onto Shade’s eyelid was creepy and hilarious at the same time, so cheers on that one. The editing was a bit insane in places, but I guess if Patrick Lussier is going to go all out and potentially harm a film that way, it might as well be his own. If you recognize that name but don’t know why exactly, don’t worry… any horror fan has seen it plenty of times without probably even noticing. And while Patrick’s directorial resume isn’t all that with a bag of crisps just yet, who really knows what the 3-D future holds. Especially if he keeps casting the hottest chicas imaginable, as he did here, I know I’ll be watching.


So yeah, I guess you can color me blush red, surprised. Whoever happens to read this however, probably is not surprised in the least that I enjoyed another shitty movie. I don’t want to say that I’ve eased up over the last ten years, but if I had seen this when it first came out I probably would have crucified it (no pun). With all of the pop-culture-ish actors in the film (did I mention Nathan Fillion as an honest priest?) it’s actually probably better that I waited this long to see it. And perhaps it’s about time you yourself revisit it, maybe you’ll think again about what you thought before. It might just suck ass a little less this time around.

March 20, 2010

Some pics of my book collection...

While I take my usual long ass time working on new posts, I figured I’d take a few pictures of my book collection. Just dusted and cleaned up a bit, so here are the two top shelves and the covers to three selects.


As you can tell I’m really into FABPress books. Limited and Numbered Edition version of Blood And Dishonour, the Satanic Sluts pictorial w/ DVD. Limited and Numbered Edition of AntiCristo, a definitive book on Nasty Nun films (personal favorites of mine). LE Fulci and Argento books, all Hardbacks, which I treasure. The crown jewel of the collection, Tim Lucas’s Bava book was a preorder with the bookmark. It took a long while before it arrived, near almost two years I believe… I actually didn’t know what the hell was in that heavy arse box when it showed up. Rounding out are a few other FabPress books I picked up locally… I’m still missing quite a few of their releases.

On the top shelf are two Verotik artbooks, one for Simon Biz and one for Frank Frazetta. Also, I’ve got the Blackest Heart Media comics w/ Soundtracks for Zombie and The Beyond. Bottom shelf I’ve got a few Devilman action figure guides and Screaming Mad George’s digital photography manipulation LadyDevilman hardback (that one took me a while to find). Mezzo Forte and Kite anime book. Japanese Mark Ryden artprint book (I also own the soundtrack to his gallery).


The Nightmare Never Ends, an absolutely beautiful NoES 1-6 documentary which I found in a Cali shop. Its cover is a bit shredded so I got it on the cheap. Spaghetti Nightmares is one of the (if not thee) very first books on Italian Horror that I ever bought. See No Evil is a book on video controversy in the UK. Sex Murder Art is a book on Jörg Buttgereit’s illustrious career. If you've got a request to see any inner pages of a particular book let me know and I'll take some snapshots.

March 15, 2010

TF's: 3/15/10

What is there to be said about The Fallen? Ignoring any storyline from The War Within and past characterization, and also that Michael Bay claims that the character in his film is the same… I can pretty much say that The Fallen sucks balls. The fact that Megatron refers to this guy as “My Lord” in the second film pisses me off to no end. And that is even considering that Megs is most surely only using him for the time being and will eventually disown him. Still, it bugs me. And speaking of bugs, the f’n guy looks like one big mosquito or some shit. I know all of the Film designs have been jumbled, and Megatron himself looks like a bag of glued together rocks… but bringing a Bionicle into the mix? That’s not to say that he doesn’t look like an evil bastard, but I’d like to see them all get a bit less alieny in design, and to get blockier. So how about The Fallen’s good traits? I don’t know, he was voiced by Tony Todd. Does that help? Perhaps I’m just bitter that these two movies could have been far superior to the gonzo bullshit that they actually are.

The Fallen Burning Version is a Target Exclusive in the US and retailed for 22$. Of course, there’s no way in hell I would have paid that for this Voyager sized figure… but after a while of sitting on the shelves, the price was reduced thrice and I finally picked it up today for 5$. Mine didn’t come with any instructions, which is not good at all since this toy is extremely difficult to comprehend (everything about it is weird, the joints, the design, ect) and I have no clue as to what in the hell his alt mode is supposed to be. Some sort of Cybertronian Jet, I guess. Apart from my dislikes, the toy is actually pretty damn sweet. It’s fun to handle and mess around with, and it does look a lot prettier out of the package when you can pose it dramatically. It’s got closed spring loaded feet which they’ve been doing on a few figures lately. This feature is sure to bug the crap out of some people, but it is a little bit neat how when you set his down-pointed toes to the table and his feet just open up.

It’s a sturdy toy and while all of the new toys could use some extra paint apps for details, this Repaint (different color plastic actually) Exclusive is a rather cool representation of ol’ Fally since if he is who he really is, he should be constantly on fire! So the great pumpkin orange is a nice touch. I wouldn’t advise paying more than 10$ for any Fallen figure, but after checking this guy out for a while, I’m glad I picked it up.

Skystalker is a non-movie Scout Class figure from the RoTF line. First of all, this guy is completely badass in both Stealth Jet mode and Robot form. Colors: Black, Grey… tiny shades of purple. He’s got one eye since he’s ‘supposedly’ a drone (and a sneaky near-cowardly one at that), landing gear (they didn’t have to, they just did and it’s great), some kickass hook swords (which hide into his wings), those pesky spring loaded toes, and he can ride humpback on the supremely awesome looking big brother Voyager Class Mindwipe! Check it out.

From the first second I saw a picture of Mindwipe I was all over it. This guy and his little drone both are the most killer looking new figures to come out in the last few years… and come on, they’re both Black Decepticon Stealth Fighter Jets! The only problem is I can’t seem to find the hypnotizing bot anywhere, and there haven’t been too many sightings online either. All in due time I guess. Takara and Hasbro have put out a few damn ugly as all shit toys as of late, but when they come up with dudes like these, it’s all forgiven. Hopefully they’ll quit with the non-transforming crap, the Tonka Toy TF’s that have been littering up the shelves, and those damn Matchbox cars. What the hell Hasbro? Focus! Bring it back old school and deliver some sweet products.

March 14, 2010

Ramen: Nong Shim #1


NONG SHIM Kimchi Ramyun

This is the US made version of Nong Shim’s Kimchi noodles, and like their other flavors comes in a larger form than that of their more famous competitors. The standard size of ramen known here is 3oz, and I usually devour two at once. Nong Shim however puts out 4.2oz packs as standard, and I suspect that if I tried to down two of these at once I’d go cardiac meltdown. It’s rather fulfilling, and goes well with about twelve ounces of Wild Cherry Pepsi for breakfast.

Kimchi Ramyun comes with a round mound of dry noodles, dried vegetable packet and a packet of soup base. The soup base is a beef stock, with various spices, soy sauce powder, salts and sugar. Dehydrated mushroom, green onion, carrot and kimchi accompany it for that special flavor and texture. The finished soup comes out in a deep vibrant orange, almost sea of blood-ish color, and the noodles have a slightly slippery but more than acceptable texture.

This ramen is of course, ‘gourmet spicy’ and that’s just how I like mine (note: the package I bought doesn’t clarify anywhere that it’s spicy for some reason, but I’ve had it before so I knew). It’s definitely not the spiciest I’ve tasted, but as a stand alone package without any modifications, I’d say that it’s got a definite 7/10 rating. The final bits of noodles, veggies and broth were especially delectable and left a gentle tingling on my lips and in my stomach. I can only imagine if I had followed the ‘serving suggestion’ and placed actual kimchi on top of the finished dish. That would have been sweet…hmm, maybe next time, this dish would totally benefit from it.

Founded in 1965, the ‘Best Taste Award Winning’ Korean company known now as Nong Shim, slowly branched out over decades with its products and international factory locations. Prices for each package range from 75 cents upward, which for ramen may seem like much… however, this company seemingly takes great pride in what they do if that’s any consolation. In any case, it’s worth it to try different brands, especially if you’re prone to eating the same thing time and time again.

NONG SHIM Shin Ramyun

Though I haven’t tried all of their product, this is the first of theirs I had and to this day is my very favorite of their brand. I had taken to eating a mix of Maruchan Picante Chicken and Chili flavors, which is quite flavorful and spicy… and definitely satisfying! Though, none of that had prepared me for the onslaught of nose-runniness that would occur when I downed this delightfully amped up treat. In my ‘most humble opinion’, all Ramen should be spicy. ALL of it! There’s no fun to be had in a bland dish (every try eating mild jambalaya). Anyone sensitive to spicy food will immediately withdraw from eating this after the first slurp.

NONG SHIM's noodles are a bit thicker than others, not by much, but still cook nicely. They may seem slightly firm but actually have a slight chewiness to them which is excellent. On a noodle grade, I’d say that this is one of the tops out there. Cup noodles, these are not. This is the real deal no bullshit meal. The broth is dark and brooding, and when you look into it you the mysteries of the world seemingly present themselves to you.

I’d like to see NS put out some more flavor options, that’s my one complaint. Just straight up instant noodle flavors, nothing fancy. It’s become a bit easier for the Ramen connoisseur to get some variety, but you’ve got to store-hop if you really want to find something. There aren’t any ramen bars around here, but every location has different stuff and there’s a few Asian shops scattered about. I’ll not settle for plain ol’ beef or chicken. That’s for the newbies, kid stuff, ya know. I still appreciate it though, and thank mum for making me my first bowl when I was six. Shin Ramyun gets a solid 9.5/10. Its Spicy Beef flavor left tiny beads of sweat forming over my brow… so make sure you stuff a wet facecloth in the freezer while you cook this.

March 13, 2010

Film!: Bitch Slap / Bruce Campbell

Bitch Slap (2009)

So yeah, saw Bitch Slap. Fuckin’ loved it… for the most part, at least.

While some effects were noticeably bad, such as the green-screen beach (and the green screen train station, and the green screen green screen), they were more than tolerable and actually added to the unique Spirit-style look of the film. Everything looked pretty much fake, so be it, and there’s not anything wrong with that a film that isn’t set out to be anything other than radically visually entertaining. However, when things got out of hand it did tend to look like complete shit. That crazy ass shootout in front of the Piggly Wiggly was far too jumbled and trashy. I don’t know if that’s what they were going for, but I hope not. It was mildly funny, but it got messy real quick… especially compared to how the rest of the film was either: classic Grindhouse, Glossy New-School B-Film, and Fake-As-All-Shit James Bond throwback.

The props all looked pretty sweet, aside from that big ass plasma cannon that was more plastic than some of the acting. I caught all the tributes and got what they were going for, but what really made the film was the “artistic” way in which it was shot. Bitch Slap is pretty much nothing more than a thirty minute film, padded out (no pun) with another fifty minutes of sweet sweet booty and titty shots. If Grindhouse was Back-To-Back, then this shit is Front-To-Front, and I appreciate it too. Not a film without its flaws (one being that supposedly 3/4th of the chicks featured “aren’t as hot as they’d like you to believe” – though, they’re still mad hot made up), it definitely makes up for it in gratuitous stuff. I’m not bothered that half the girls in the film aren’t my type (too tall, too thin, too mouthy, too violent, not blonde enough, not black enough, they speak English, have hidden agendas, are drama queens, are switch-hitters, wear tin-foil hats while they eat breakfast, collect PEZ dispensers, adore QT, think they’re “all that”, spout catchphrases, ect)…


…because the film was actually fun! Despite how much of it may have started to suck here and there, nothing can take away the fact that the movie completed its mission to keep my eyes on the screen and my hand on my controller. This movie is beyond absurd; sometimes even with the wacky sound effects to boot, and never takes itself too seriously. With Camero’s mugging, Trixie’s pouting and Hel’s Clint Eastwooding mixed in with some over the top and ridiculous dialogue, you’ll know right away what you’re in for. And it does all get stranger as it goes along, with mysterious surprises and eye opening flashbacks tossed in for good measure.

There’s a little Nunsploitation tribute scene that makes the film collection worthy even if the rest of it might not appeal to you in a major way. But I don’t see why it wouldn’t anyhow, as there’s a little something for everyone… with maybe the exception of straight females, but their ‘demographic’ isn’t really suited for these things am I right? And perhaps people with good taste too, but everyone did a bang up job in their roles. Aside from the three main girls, the characters of Gage and Hot Wire were especially badass. As for Kinki, I can see what they were going for obvious tribute-wise, but her high pitched cackling annoyed me to no end (much like Baby in Robert Zombie’s films). You can tell that everyone was really having fun with this project, and that’s what the viewer should do too.

Would you like to see Lucy Lawless as Mother Superior, and Kevin Sorbo hamming it up to the eleventh degree? How about seeing America Olivo rip off her traditional black and white habit down to kinky leather lingerie? Or maybe to see the three ladies take a quick break from digging for treasure to have a soaking wet water fight? If you’re into cheesy ass films and can endure horrible CGI, but enjoy a glossy look and some ADHD editing mixed with some slo-mo, then Bitch Slap is for you!

I can understand how this movie is getting some low ratings and pretty much trashed wherever you look. But for every bad review there seems to be someone else claiming to love it. I’m not generally too hard on these kinds of movies because I go in with absolutely no expectations to begin with most of the time. Bitch Slap is to Grindhouse, as Austin Powers is to Bond Films… so what do you expect? Entertainment for one, and Bitch Slap does not fail in that department. Also, as an added bonus, it doesn’t utterly reek of pretentiousness. You might catch a whiff when Trixie goes on about that Samurai sword, but that’s it. Watch the TRAILER, or just see the film and prepare for major grinnage.

My Name Is Bruce (2007)

So what is a “bad” movie? Another low budget film from recent years that you can find getting utterly beat down in online reviews is Bruce Campbell’s film “My Name Is…” I read somewhere “Without Bruce in the film, this would be complete shit” or something to that affect, which is kind of paradoxical thinking anyways, since there is no “this film” without Bruce. All the jokes are of the inside nature, and the film is basically a showcase for Bruce’s many theatrical talents. The plot is as simple as it can get, but that’s no problem at all.

Here Bruce is doing a self-parody, with a special emphasis on his ‘loserness’ and ‘dick-headedness’. Acting like a complete prick one minute to scrounging leftover hooch pints for any last drops the next. Not that desperate alcoholism is anything to laugh about, but he did that shit so well that I couldn’t help it. When the incredibly violent god of bean curd (and war?), Guan-di is unleashed, Bruce is called upon by uber-fan goth boy Jeff to save the day. Of course, upon first encounter with the glowing eyed demon, Bruce proceeds to immediately shit his drawers and run off screaming while blindly squeezing triggers.

After all the hype and welcoming of the kidnapped Bruce to the small town of Goldfuck, his true colors are shown as a coward and selfish bastard. But will love and a surprising rising sense of morals help Bruce to realize what he’s meant to do? Things might just get a little sappy. With some bad jokes flying around and a lot of wackiness occurring, you can expect a little bit of the tofu con queso.

I dig Bruce Campbell. The dude is brilliant, and his sometimes (often-times?) over-dramatic acting is the stuff of legend. This film is a great showcasing of his abilities and is thoroughly enjoyable. It’s not really scary at all, and the musical interludes are a bit distracting and kind of suck… but everything else is all gravy. Especially in the case of Bruce’s love interest in the flick, Grace Thorsen, as the incredibly busty and always jiggling Kelly. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of her.

Some say that “If you’re not a fan of Bruce Campbell, then you won’t like this movie.” To which I say, “Dude, everybody is a fan of Bruce Campbell.” So quit hatin’ and start masturbatin’…

March 4, 2010

The Tudors: Season 2


During Season 1 of The Tudors, I wasn’t quite sure what to do in terms of finishing the rest of the series. I’m not really a quitter, yet I was unsure if it was going to get better. Not to say that the first season was bad, not at all… it was quite devilishly sexy, but also heavily political early on. Thus is the nature of the story and this program so I can’t really speak against it for that, but I wanted to get to the juicy bits. Naturally one cannot skip the first season and go straight for the second and undoubtedly best, since the first establishes characters and builds that overpowering lust our Lord has for Anne Boleyn. But once all the Wolsey drama is out of the way, it’s time for King Henry VIII to get Medieval on Anne’s sweet ass!

Thriving for complete and total domination on every level, Henry demands no less that everything he so desires… even if it means throwing a small tantrum every now and then. Such as the finale of Season 1 when he’s forced to pull out by His Lady, a moment where she knows that she’s most surely got him in her grasp. Using Henry’s desire not only for a gorgeous woman, but also his incessant yearning to have a son, this naturally makes him frantic and even with opposition at all angles, he will now stop at nothing. By any means necessary, even if he must appoint himself Head of the Church of England, banish his Queen from court, and piss off a Lot of people by pronouncing His law, the law.

Anne of course, gives birth to a daughter (she immediately apologizes, and he most immediately goes out for some late night arse-snacking) and over the short course of time, she goes reasonably insane. Increasingly paranoid, stressed out to an unhealthy point of two miscarriages, and of course, bewitching as a uh, witch… the King has fought so diligently to ‘legitimize’ his new marriage, their daughter and his right to free love, and For What!? Of course, we all know where this is… beheaded. Muahahaha!… sorry, couldn’t resist. What starts off as a slow simmering flame erupts in a smoldering blaze of passion, regrets and carnal violence!

My eyes were glued to the screen, and my hand, well, it was glued to something else. In the 2008 film, The Other Boleyn Girl, Anne was played by none other than Natalie Portman, and her sister Mary, by Scarlett Johansson. How anyone, King or otherwise, could drop Scarlett for Natalie is simply beyond me, and made the film a bit unrealistic. Natalie Dormer on the other hand, exemplifies the term enchanting beauty. Her face, her eyes and her neck (see picture above) are all sublime objects of lust and left me enthralled. I doubt any other portrayal of Anne Boleyn could be surpassed by her performance in this television series. On that same note, Eric Bana is no Jonathan Rhys Meyers. The awesomeness he has shown here, along with the supreme badassness he displayed in Match Point, has won me over.

February 23, 2010

Shit Teh Web #3: Epic Beard Man

Bronson from Street Trash is apparently Alive and kicking some f’n ass! How he survived that flying canister to the lump above his shoulders is beyond me, but by the looks of it he’s cleaned up a little bit. His clothes are washed, his beard (though now gray due to aging) is nicely groomed, and he’s wearing a sweet-arse shirt that reads: “I am a Motherfucker” on the back. But while his style may have somewhat improved (total matter of opinion there), he’s still a psycho Vietnam flashback havin’ bastard and it looks to me that he’s carrying a sharpened femur bone in that fanny pack of his!


“Out-fucking-standing Chow Man!!” Now 67 years of age and after upgrading from walking and stomping to riding public transportation, he seems a bit more peaceful than his previous junkyard days. But that peacefulness isn’t something that he can easily control… what with the lingering dementia and such… so when a jive ass mofo gets smart with his mouth, ol’ Epic here lays down the law – Street Trash style. Even commenting on how it’s better to be “pissed off, than on” I’d say we’ve got a solid open and shut case here. Just listen to the way he screams the words “I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCK WITH ME!” at exactly 1:51. One Fifty One… ain’t that some shit, let me know. That’s the fuckin’ Viper, baby!


Muhammad Ali ain’t got shit on the pounding Bronson gives this straight up G. “You bitch! You never defile me that way in front of the men!”

Let it be known here and now, that Epic Beard Man (and his minions - yes, he has minions... and they're all old as shit too, but strong as fuck) is the guy all shit-talkers should fear. Lesson learned is keep your fuckin' mouth shut on the bus you punk ass bitches! Or it's gonna' be opened for ya'... and then you'll be spit-shining someone's velcro sneakers with your blood. An old ass dude can't even go to his mum's funeral these days without someone talkin' shit and threatening him with a knife?

No. He's no "hero"... not in the traditional sense. Heroes help people. This guy just helps people to believe… and what people believe, that’s their own business. Everyone’s got an opinion from “Racist Comments” to “Don’t Mess with the Elderly” to “1st Post! Dur!”… Check out EPIC Beard Man @: Know Your Meme.

February 21, 2010

An Interview with Greg Lamberson.


[Note: In early 2007 after reviewing Greg Lamberson's films Slime City and Naked Fear on the now defunct Film-Talk boards, I posted a Director's thread for the man. To my surprise he found my notes (apparently at 3AM while surfing the web) and I took it upon myself to bug him with my questions. During the next few weeks, this is what came of it. I have re-arranged follow up questions and responses to fit in with the previous Q and A.]

Drunketh: Listening to your commentary on Naked Fear, you say that Undying Love is a lot more padded than NF. Obviously this isn't a gesture of disappointment, but I'm curious if you could expand on why you consider your second film to be the “best you've done”?

Greg Lamberson: I think that UNDYING LOVE has some actual atmosphere, and as the director, I take a lot of the credit for that. As I've already pointed out, SLIME CITY works because of SFX, music, art direction, acting (some of it anyway!), and my contributions as a writer and producer - but not my direction. UNDYING LOVE features most of my favorite scenes. It opens and closes with some pretty darned good bookend sequences that I'm proud of. I'm happy with the introductions of the various characters, the performance of Tommy Sweeney, and some in-your-face dialogue. I think the scene where the vampire chick goes down on our hero is pretty memorable as well. Of the 3 films, it turned out the closest to what I envisioned when I wrote the script. Also, although there is no nudity, the plot is driven by sex the same way that SLIME CITY was.

D: Speaking of Undying Love, If E.I. Cinema released the film on VHS, as well as your first and third film on DVD then my question would be: what is the holdup for this potential future release? On your website it states that there are no plans to release the Undying Love for DVD. I’d like to see a supervised transfer and commentary (it's already recorded right?), and basically the best release it could be.

GL: E.I. Cinema released UNDYING LOVE on VHS, re-released SLIME CITY on VHS, then released SLIME CITY and NAKED FEAR as a double feature DVD. They have the rights to release UNDYING LOVE on DVD as well, and Mike Raso and I have discussed doing so. I would supervise the transfer, we'd use my original title and the commentary that Tommy Sweeney and I recorded, a trailer, and it would be released as a double feature with another one of E.I.'s vampire flicks. There's nothing definite yet, but I'd say things look promising.

I actually recorded the commentary tracks for all 3 films around 2002 or 2003, before I left NYC. Since then, I've been able to watch the films on a pretty big screen here in Buffalo, as part of a mini-festival, and have had the opportunity to assess them collectively.

I think I shot 5 mins worth of additional scenes to UNDYING LOVE for running time reasons after finishing my first cut. They developed characterization, but didn't really advance the story. 3 scenes in total, and one of them was a reasonably sexy vampire seduction scene that I like quit a bit, that gave my villain a moment to shine. I shot at least 10 mins of additional material for NAKED FEAR after finishing my first cut of that; they turned out to be some of my favorite scenes in the film (partly because I shot them myself, and had a blast), but they totally changed my original concept of the picture. And while none of those scenes feel like padding, the dream sequence near the end of the film does feel like padding to me. There's a genuinely nightmarish feeling to it, I think, but there's no question that I was filling out the running time, especially since the dream comes 5 mins after what is essentially a music video depicting Camden escaping his apartment - I call this the ROCKY IV syndrome!

D: If E.I. is taking you in, then what are they going to do for you? Are they giving you money? Or simply making money off of you? The next feature from you, I'd like to see it on film. Since E.I. obviously supports low budget filmmakers, then why don't they save some cash up and get you do to something awesome. It irritates me actually, because I'd like to see you direct more.

GL: I have a good relationship with the E.I. people, and I'm sure they've made more money from me than I have from them, but they have zero interest in producing new films of mine. SLIME cost $50,000 to shoot on 16m; UNDYING LOVE cost $35,000, also on 16m; and NAKED FEAR cost $8,000, on Hi-8 video. E.I. finances their own productions, which tend to be silly sexploitation titles; I own my films. I would work as a director for hire for them, but they know I'm more interested in horror and subtext than nipples.

Roy is busy writing a screenplay which STREET TRASH director Jim Muro may direct for New Line Cinema, so he's not looking for money for DR right now. But he has such a good reputation in the genre that an investor has approached him, so there is a possibility that we will shoot this fall. I think this could be a breakout project for me; if not, it will definitely be a good film, which is what matters most.

As you know from my commentaries, Roy Frumkes - who wrote and produced STREET TRASH, directed DOCUMENT OF THE DEAD, and wrote THE SUBSTITUTE movies--was my film school production teacher. We've become pretty good friends these last few years, and we have similar views on indie filmmaking. When the screenwriter of DEADLY RITES and I decided to resurrect that project (we'd developed it before I left NYC), we agreed that we needed a real producer this time out, instead of using friends who had a few thousand $ to invest. DR is a very rich, very ambitious script. I'm thrilled that Roy has agreed to serve as Producer or Executive Producer. My plan is to shoot this one in Hi-Def, under the SAG Ultra Low Budget agreement, which requires a film to be made for $200,000 or less. At least half of that budget will go to cast (I don't want to say who right now), so film is out of the question. But it's going to look terrific.

D: Regarding your commentary... the things I most look forward to are the "eating out" and "brain painting" scenes. I hope you've got those hidden somewhere, because they sound great.

GL: Sorry, the "eating out" and "brain painting" scenes were never filmed, just discussed.
 

D: A few other things: 1. I think the closet scene from NF is awesome. 2. Why Casablanca in the background? I mean, I heard the words... but really?

GL: Thanks for your comments on the NF closet scene. The credit for shooting the interior of the closet the way we did (with the actor standing against a piece of black paper behind him, in the middle of the living room, lit from beneath) goes to Ed Walloga, my Assistant Director. My personal favorite scenes are the murder of the burglar (the bloody crotch shot just may be the most horrifying image I've come up with); the 1-900-commercials, and any number of dialogue scenes between the two leads. I'm very happy with my direction in that one, especially since so much of it was on the fly.

The CASBLANCA and James Dean posters were already hanging in Ed's apartment, which we used for the film. I decided to leave them up because both served the homoerotic subtext of the film. Ed refuses to accept that there is a homoerotic subtext to CASABLANCA, but there is.

D: I'll admit the bloody crotch shot is well executed. Though rather sickening, it does add a lot... somehow. Heh! And yes, Casablanca is very that “thang.”

I think you've done great in your marketing. Whomever you get to do your artwork, they really pull it off. I've seen ads for your work in various magazines and in every one there's something that catches the eye. Your book's ad, for example, it goes to show that you've got people working for you that care. One of your major strengths is that you've got such interesting looking ideas…

GL: Yes, I've worked with some good artists, who taught me a thing or two about marketing. Eric Mache, who did the original SLIME CITY painting seen on the DVD, did a lot of my stuff, and graphic design is the strong suit of Mike Raso over at E.I. The cover for my novel (far and away the best thing I've done) was chosen by my publisher; the images are from paintings by Hieyronomous Bosch, a Medieval artist. Did you check out the DEADLY RITES art on my site? There's more on the way, but I'm real happy with what I have so far. A preliminary poster will be up soon (not the photographic flyer seen at the bottom - but Eric again).

D: Onto your Slime City commentary… I didn't quite enjoy it as much as Naked Fear's. But part of that is because it kept cutting out during select scenes (which is common), but NF just kept going and is more enjoyable. First off, I wish to say, that I am too a big fan of sex and violence. So I appreciate what you've done, even if they keep their clothes on while they do it.

GL: We actually recorded all 3 commentaries during a one-week period, while Robert was visiting from L.A. This was before I supervised the DVD transfer, so the SLIME CITY commentary was recorded to the VHS re-release--which was 8 minutes shorter than the original VHS release, and 4 mins shorter than the DVD cut. So someone at E.I. (now POPcinema) later had to edit the track, which is why it doesn't synch up perfectly. I had equal fun on all 3, just hanging out with old friends. The NF track was fun because we were drinking at my apartment. It cracks me up when I get a DVD delivery in the middle of the track, and then Craig Lindberg, my SFX man on UNDYING LOVE and NF, walks in.

D: Regarding the framing… it’s not as bad as you think. I actually don't see much of a problem with it. Every time you'd complain about it, I'm looking and I don't see anything wrong. Then again, the only thing I've ever directed is my ex-girlfriend bouncing around topless... but I wasn't at all distracted by any of the camera shots (I see the point on white wall backgrounds however).

GL: When I'm complaining about my framing on the SLIME CITY track, it's because we were watching a full frame VHS tape, which preserved the original 16m dimensions. I'm actually THRILLED with the framing achieved on the widescreen DVD. We originally framed for a 35mm blowup, which would have meant lopping off the top and bottom of each shot, but we never found a distributor to pay for the blowup (it would have doubled our budget). So the DVD actually looks the way we meant the final film to, and I'm happily satisfied.

D: Well that makes a lot of sense then, since you were watching the Unmatted Full Frame version. During this commentary I was just confused a bit. I thought for a moment that you are perhaps some insane perfectionist and no shot could please you... but I dismissed that bubble rather quickly, knowing that someone working with such a low budget has neither the time nor the money to do things that way and succeed as you did. So my second thought was that you're perhaps too hard on yourself...

Something that always get me laughing are the Boombox gags. Every single time... I guess it's universal, but they're just so precious. Are you really into rap or what? You and I are from completely different coasts, so whatever rap you know…

GL: I'm not into rap music at all. The big boom box was an actual part of life in NYC during the '80s. I like rock, some classical, some opera, some doo-wop, even... but not rap. There's a little bit of rap in each film, because it's part of pop culture in America. I like the rap songs in UNDYING LOVE and NAKED FEAR, but anything can grow on you. I actually like all of the music I've used: the score for SLIME gets a lot of attention, the one for NF is just insane, and the one for UNDYING LOVE is pretty unique.

D: During your commentary you mention that you shot on film, and then not shortly after people started shooting on video and one of the first (I guess) was a movie starring Tom Savini. You mistakenly referred to it as "New York Ripper" which is Lucio Fulci's film. The movie you're speaking of is actually "The Ripper". I agree with the people who say it's boring, it really is... really... but when the gore hits, it's off the charts.

GL: That's right, THE RIPPER! I hated it, but the filmmakers were ahead of their time.

D: You said, regarding the Seduction Cinema line of work, that you would rather "kill yourself first", then going the route of Lesbo-Vampires. While I am a fan of Seduction Cinema's work (I have a small collection and am not afraid to admit it), I do agree with you that you're above that… (However independent director Brian Paulin did director-for-hire work for them called Mummy Raider, and despite the abundance of softcore scenes they imposed on him, he really made it his own and it’s a solid work.) For you to even say that your films are padded out, try comparing yours to one of theirs and see how it comes up.

GL: I don't want to slam the Seduction Cinema stuff--because I can't bring myself to watch any of it! I did sit with Darien Cane at one of the conventions, though.

D: Speaking of padding though, I'd like to bring up someone: Misty Mundae (Erin Brown). I don't know if you have anything against the actresses from Seduction Cinema, but I figure Erin Brown would be perfect for one of your films. (I know you don't wish to name names dealing with your next movie).

GL: The basic concept of DEADLY RITES is that a Charles Manson-type escapes from prison, hooks up with his old followers, and carves up some woods at the same time that 2 cops and a priest are taking some inner city kids camping (cue the rap!). It's extremely brutal, but very thematic--DELIVERANCE meets HELTER SKELTER. I honestly think it has the potential to be pretty significant. Because the women in The Clan were killers back in '79, they're not exactly ingénues. I plan to have some real fun with the casting there. We have 2 younger females as well: a Hispanic police officer, and a character that would be perfect for Erin Brown. In fact, Erin Brown has been my first choice for the part since I met her at Chiller 9 months ago! So we'll just have to see on that one.

D: There are a lot of young talented actresses out there... Which sexy young woman would you most enjoy working for you?

GL: I'm not a fan of the whole Scream Queen scene. I did see a film called SKIN CRAWL, directed by Justin Weingrod, who works for EI. It starred Debbie Rochon, and I was pretty impressed with her performance. To me, Fay Wray and Elsa Lanchaster and Janet Leigh and Jaime Lee Curtis were Scream Queens. Now any actress flashes her breasts in a cheap-o horror film is called a Scream Queen, and entire films are built around them. I've had a few conversations with Brinke Stevens, and find her extremely friendly and intelligent. I'd like to work with her sometime.

D: Debbie Rochon is one of my favorite actresses. For a while there I was a bit obsessed with her actually. I mail order purchased a bust of her likeness, dressed up like a Goth Santa and went nuts with a garden tool this one time…

GL: I spoke to Debbie for a little while at Genghis Con is Pittsburgh last year, after the SKIN CRAWL screening. Very nice, very intelligent, very funny and, I get the impression, very tough.

D: Would you like to make your upcoming story "Johnny Gruesome" a film as well as a book? Has it crossed your mind or it that something completely separate?

GL: The JOHNNY GRUESOME page on my site is really nondescript, aside from that cool artwork. Here's the skinny: JG exists as a complete screenplay, and I'm 2/3 of the way through the novel. It was the second original screenplay I wrote, after SLIME CITY, and it's the one script of mine that is really scary. Unlike PERSONAL DEMONS, which would be too expensive to film (a William Morris agent looking for horror projects to rep to studios loved it, but said it would cost $100 million, and the studios only want to spend $20 mil on horror films), JG could be done in the $2 - $3 mil range. It's a small town horror story, with a murdered heavy metal teen coming back for revenge in the dead of winter. From a production standpoint, the biggest challenge is that the climax takes place on a frozen creek, which of course splits apart, and I'm not willing to compromise on that to get the film done. My hope is that I'll be able to finish the novel soon and place it with a publisher, promote it and DEADLY RITES at the same time, and then do JG as a film. Big plans, right?

D: I read on your site that Romero's "Martin" is one of your favorite films. Martin is actually my favorite film of his. Despite the popularity that Romero has gained with his living dead films, I find Martin to be his best work by far. It’s a film that really touched me, since I found that I had very much in common with it. It's a very disturbed and moody film, often times depressing.

GL: MARTIN is a classic. I feel sorry for people who have never seen it. I had an uncle who took me to see NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD when I was pretty young (because I begged him to), and then DAWN OF THE DEAD and MARTIN during their original releases. They had a huge impact on me. UNDYING LOVE is not in MARTIN's league, of course, but MARTIN did have a huge impact on it. I made UNDYING LOVE at the same time that my friend Larry Fessenden made HABIT--now those two are very similar in subject matter, although Larry had a bigger budget than me and took an artsier approach. While both of our films sat on a shelf looking for distribution, NADJA and THE ADDICTION came out and beat us to the punch. All 4 are NYC set, indie takes on vampirism. But the kid from Pittsburgh did it the best!

D: What exactly is your major dispute with Land of the Dead? I can understand how it doesn't live up to the other films, but why do you think so low of it? Do the rumors of bringing back the cast of the Land for a second installment prove true your hatred for the film? That Romero is seemingly giving in to the fact that he couldn't do it one time around? I know Romero is a hero of yours. So this must indeed be obviously troublesome. Perhaps he'll rectify it all?

GL: LAND OF THE DEAD sucked. The script was underdeveloped. The Toronto location blew as a stand in for Pittsburgh. It looked like a cheap (shot in Toronto) TV movie. Some of the characters were OK, but they never became real. The story made no sense: why would Leguizamo do these raids for money? How could money have any value in that world? It just didn't feel real to me, or brave, or dangerous, or scary. And the Dead Reckoning really blew! I know that Romero lost a big chunk of his budget, and the producers were jerks to him, and he walked off the set, but the most serious flaws in the film stem from his own lackluster script. Definitely not the film I waited 20 years to see. But I hope he gets another crack at it: I'd like to see Riley and Charlie again, and maybe George will write a better script this time.

D: I recently read on your blog that you've run into a bit of tough luck getting that deal with the investor on your Deadly Rites project in time, and that he's moved to another one. That really sucks dude. I know though that you're a determined guy, so I don't really need to tell you to stay determined... but know your fans are hoping that everything works out. If you've got to wait another year (and if it doesn't happen very soon, hopefully it happens during the season you wish), then keep on track with your other projects and get something done.

GL: I actually didn't expect to shoot DEADLY RITES until next year. It was a long shot that I'd be able to do it this fall. The potential investor didn't pass on the project, he never even knew about it; our producer Roy decided not to present it as a possible project until he saw the rewrite of the script... which is even better than the last version. Imagine DELIVERANCE meets THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE! So it's a bummer that they're making something else first, but that is, unfortunately, showbiz. Roy is still interested in the project, and there's still a slim chance it could happen this year. But it will happen: the script and concept art (much of which I haven’t posted yet) are that good.

D: Do you consider yourself a filmmaker first or a writer? We know you're both, but would you consider writing to be your true passion?

GL: Someone once asked Harlan Ellison what he wanted his tombstone to stay, and he answered, "Storyteller." That's how I feel. I've made 3 films (and worked on 7 others--2 incomplete and 1 never released) and only one novel, but the novel is the best thing I've done. I really can't choose one over the other. But I can always write a novel, and I can only make a movie if I raise money.

D: I see aside from scripts and Award Winning Novels you also do multiple "for hire" writing jobs, where your work goes for something like $63 an hour or so. Is this in fact your "real life job" or do you own a pub or something?

GL: I've been toying with a freelance writing job, but haven't really done anything with it. My rate is $65.00, which is the going rate for a copywriter. I've always managed movie theatres and video stores for a living; right now I'm the District Manager for Dipson Theatres, a locally owned chain in Buffalo. The best part of the job is that I program 1 or more midnight series a year. But it's too time-consuming now that I have a baby and it leaves me little time to chase my dreams. I recently switched to a part time schedule, which was working great, but now I'm full time again because we're short handed. The freelance writing would allow me more time to work on my other projects, except that the start-up time required is greater, and I just can't spare the minutes right now.

D: What is your attraction to the gore & shock / emotionally screwed up film genre? Is it something deep rooted and meaningful, or just rather simple and obvious... or both? Personally, I couldn't be happier that you've chosen that direction, since it's what I'm into.

I understand that with low to no budget films, doing something creative with splatter is a sure way to get a better (read: more marketable) product. Naked Fear isn't a "gore and shock" film, but instead relies heavily on emotions and feeling with a bit of grue thrown into the mix (ala History of Violence). So I'm wondering if you're heading into this direction, and at the same time hoping that you don't cut back the violent, obscene and sexual images.

GL: I don't know why horror gives me such a rush; it always has. We're freaks that way, aren't we? I like horror the same way I like violent crime stories; the good ones push the envelope of what we expect to see, and we can't look away.

D: A few months ago I took offense to a comment in a review written by Last Chance Lance in the 54'th issue of Rue Morgue magazine. Firstly, he begins the review by speaking of Tromaville, not that there's too much wrong with that. But to end his rant while talking about the disc features he writes that Naked Fear is a "lame extra". Way to drop the ball Lance. They give this guy all the straight to video “dirt jobs”, and usually they're put in his little one paragraph Last Rites section, but Slime City actually got its own "full" review in the Reissues section. Though Slime gets a decent review and mention, I feel he didn't give credit where it's due. [Dude, they make you watch the shittiest flicks of all time (like Shark attack 4, and Ghetto Voodoo - or whatever the hell), you should know better. Did you even watch it? For shame!]

GL: Last Chance Lance's review of SLIME CITY was actually a good one. I'm used to receiving backhanded compliments on the film, and as long as they're funny, I'm not offended. Like I said earlier, few people like each of my films equally; some think the extra feature is better than the main feature, and vice versa. When you make something for public consumption, you have to take your knocks. RM is a great mag; they've given me positive reviews for PERSONAL DEMONS and SLIME CITY, so I can't complain. But I will admit I was hoping for a review from the Gore-Met, because he's a big fan of the film.

D: I don't actually mind Last Chance Lance… in fact I was pleased to see that they actually gave him a place in the regular review section. I just think he mucked it up, that's all. And yes, your movie would have fit in better within the Gore-Met or Schizoid Cinema section.

GL: Troma... I worked on CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH for a day, and that's how I met the costume designer/dance choreographer and SFX guys for SLIME CITY. I hate Troma. Lloyd Kaufman acts like a fool. I don't like the "let's be as stupid as possible and people will think we're funny!" cynicism. I can understand why people make the comparison, but there is nothing intentionally stupid about SLIME CITY. And at least I TRIED to make a good movie, which they never even attempt. The only thing they've done that I cared for was distribute COMBAT SHOCK. So I don't like the comparison, but I don't pay much attention to it, either; I suspect that reviewers who use that slant are only passingly familiar with Troma product.

D: Well I was a bit ticked when your film was compared to Troma. Maybe some people just see in that straight-line type configuration... not many people branch out with their mindsets, you know? "Weird gore, low budget... it's troma." I noticed the difference. I'm sure others will, despite what that dude in Canada said.

GL: I understand that Troma films have their charm and their fans. My complaints about the company, and Lloyd, have more to do with the way they exploit their crews and filmmakers.

D: You know a lot about low to no budget movies and I’m sure you know about other types as well. I'm wondering what a few of your favorites are. Any rarities?

GL: Some films I recommend: COMBAT SHOCK, DEADBEAT AT DAWN, OF UNKNOWN ORIGIN, DEATHDREAM, DEAD & BURIED, HORROR HOTEL, LET'S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH, and THE DEADLY SPAWN. I'm working on a proposal for a book on making low budget horror films, and if I get a go ahead, I'll interview a bunch of low budget filmmakers.

SavageDragon77: Greg, I’d like to see that book on low budget filmmaking. I’m going through quasi-film school and you wouldn’t believe how many people frown upon horror. I’m not kidding. Everything is about comedy.

GL: Things haven't changed, Savage. One of the reasons I attended the School of Visual Arts in NYC was that all of the teachers were professional filmmakers, not academians; the other was that Roy Frumkes, who was famous mostly for directing DOCUMENT OF THE DEAD with an SVA crew, was one of those professionals. I had a lot of good teachers, with a lot of wildly different ideas about filmmaking--which is a good thing. But the one thing that united them was that, except for Roy, they shared mutual contempt for horror films.

Get ready for a lot of this. It's called artistic discrimination. Even though Hollywood is enjoying its biggest horror boom in years, even Hollywood hates horror; they want your money, but they don't want to spend more than $20 mil to get it (not that they should have to...). I recommend you dig up a book called SCARE TACTICS, by John Russo, who co-wrote NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, and has turned out crap ever since (he wrote the book that RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD is based on, but the movie has nothing to do with the novel). This book is the second best thing Russo ever did, and even though it was written with 16mm filmmakers in mind, before digital video existed, there is a lot of good advice in the book, including sample contracts.

For a more contemporary look, I recommend a book called SHOOT ME, co-written by Roy Frumkes and his then screenwriting partner, Rocco Simonelli. The book is structured around the making of THE SWEET LIFE, a romantic comedy starring James Lorinz (STREET TRASH, FRANKENHOOKER) and Joan Jett. The book is a look at Hi Definition indie filmmaking from the POV of two filmmakers used to working on film. Roy uses STREET TRASH and a never completed (but amazing!) film by Lorinz called SWIRLY, about a man made out of ice cream, as frequent examples in his text. It's a breezy book, with Roy and Rocco alternating chapters as screenwriter/producer and screenwriter/director.

I'll take this opportunity to plug a magazine I write a column called 'The Big Scream' for: POST MORTEM, from Nocturne Press. My first column appears in issue #4, due out this month, and is about mainstream horror films from the '70s (like LITTLE MURDERS and DEATH WISH and DELIVERANCE) that are more frightening than any horror films churned out by Hollywood today. The next column is "Political Horror," and the one after that is "Why Hollywood Hates You"--which is the connection I'm making now. It's a good mag, full of fiction, artwork, interviews, and articles.

D: Since you've been in the theatre business forever, mind to tell us about the movies you've seen on the big screen and how they've affected you? Batman? The Goonies?

GL: Here are the films I saw on the big screen that warped me forever: CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, THE 7% SOLUTION, LOGAN'S RUN, NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, DAWN OF THE DEAD, MARTIN, and STAR WARS. There are no substitutes. I have a bunch of younger friends, so I understand that GOONIES has a huge following, but I hated that shit! BATMAN was OK, but Batman should have been the main character, not Jack Nicholson as The Joker.

D: Surely there's an arcade section where you are or have managed before... so, have you dabbled? Are you addicted to video games by now any chance? I assume you would enjoy those Standing while shooting games… whatever that platform is called.

GL: In high school, I dabbled at DUNGEONS & DRAGONS. But I never took it seriously. I was there to sabotage my friends' fun. If a player missed a game, I killed his character so he'd have to start all over. If the Dungeon Master created a world for us to enter, and we found ourselves standing at a mysterious door, I was the one who'd say, "Let's go back!" I'd watch that same friend mesmerized at arcade games, and I thought, I'm not touching that drug! So I'm not a gamer at all. If I was, I'd never get anything done. I'd rather read a book or watch a movie. But most of my friends, and many of my family members, are video game junkies, so I see the devotion required. I do feature a "standing and shooting" game in JOHNNY GRUESOME.

D: How much popcorn do you consume on a regular basis?

GL: After 12 years in the theatre biz, the rotting stench of popcorn makes me sick to my gizzard.

D: What are your thoughts and opinions on the state of televised no limit Texas Hold-Em poker tournaments? If you're not into poker, just switch that with Pool or Darts.

GL: I'm not into poker, pool, or darts!

D: If you're not into poker, pool or darts (which confuses me), how about bowling, pride fighting or hot dog eating contests? Personally I don't think that those involved should be allowed to dip their bread in water… that's weak. As for bowling, candlepin should be outlawed. And pride fighting? They stop the fights too early. What's your opinion?

GL: …

D: Garbage Pail Kids, the cards from back in the day… What's your view?

GL: I'm too old for the Garbage Pail kids, but I believe that Scott Coulter, the SFX man on SLIME CITY, did the SFX on the crappy movie version. The only cards I ever collected were for the PLANET OF THE APES TV series.

D: You must have a pretty cool looking yard right? Have you put work into it to make the landscaping your own? If you don't have a yard, then have you considered moving to a place with a big backyard where you can BBQ and walk about nude to your desire?

GL: I have a backyard, a fence, and a grill, but not the degree of privacy conducive to nude frolicking...

D: To me a backyard surrounded by a tall fence is like a sanctuary. One where I can go out at dim-night, grill some rib-eyes, blast some Danzig, and drink a couple 40s. It's something sacred actually. Where I'm at now I don't have a yard like back home... which is awful. And I miss my mum too.

GL: My own mother was a big influence on me, she died 4 years ago, and I definitely miss her. She did that cool oil painting of the Phantom of the Opera on my website.

D: You tend to visit many conventions. Can you tell me or us about the weirdest experience that you've had at one of these nerd-fests?

GL: Believe it or not, I actually haven't had ANY weird experiences at these cons. Oh, you find yourself surrounded by eccentrics, but it would be dull otherwise. Harlan Ellison got stuck in an elevator for 30 mins at World Horror Con, which was funny... and Ted Raimi spent the entire Twisted Nightmare Weekend trashed and away from his table, which was embarrassing. And at that same con, a disgruntled baseball team--angry that they lost their championship--fanned out through the hotel, beating up any "horror faggots" they could find (I slept through the whole thing, but the team was locked up), but that's about it. I usually sit at my own table with my wife, or at the E.I. Cinema (now POP Cinema) table with those folks, so I tend to have a mellow time talking to them and a couple dozen or so fans about movies.

D: What about the Sexiest?

GL: Sexiest time: like I said, I sit with my wife! And we sat with Darien Cane at one show, and I met Karen Allen, my favorite actress, at another. I never attended a con, as a guest, while I was a swinging single, so I have no tales of drunken debauchery, drugs, or orgies with scream queens. I think my favorite show last year was Horrorfind in Baltimore. Roy Frumkes was there, promoting the STREET TRASH DVD a few months after I had him screen a 35mm print of the film at the theatre I used to manage; a bunch of my fellow horror writers were there, like John MaClay, Brian Keene, Steve Wedel, and Edward Holsclaw, and some of the biggest SLIME fans I've met in my life.

Kate had a comment on conventions that I unfortunately lost… yet somehow Greg’s response still got copied into my file:

GL: Years ago, I used to attend the Chiller Theatre Show in NJ, but my friends and I bailed after only a few hours each time. I don't really enjoy huge crowds, overpriced merchandise, or "celebrities" charging for autographs (last year at the Canadian Expo, which included Rue Morgue's Festival of Fear, Elijah Wood and James Marsters were each charging $80 per autograph!). And I hate standing on line (I don't think you mentioned how insane the wait to see Bruce Campbell was). But it's a whole different story when you're a guest / dealer. I'm no good at hucksterism; I don't like trying to "sell" my work or myself. Not my style. But I'm happy to sit at the E.I. table, have E.I. reps push SLIME CITY and offer to have me sign it (for free, of course; I could NEVER charge someone for an autograph), chat up the person, and if they seem interested, recommend my book.

Horrorfind is one of the few cons to pay any attention to authors, and they set up non-stop readings in 2-3 different rooms; you could literally spend an entire day listening to authors read their work, and not have to shell out a cent. For me, this was a great opportunity to meet a lot of fellow writers I knew only from the Horror Writers Association message board. As a guest, I was invited to the Big Private Party, where such luminaries as Angus Scrimm, Reggie Bannister, Ken Foree, Tom Savini, etc. gathered in a more relaxed and Fanboy-free atmosphere. After that, a few of us writers and our better halves relocated to our own hotel room party and had a great time. Regarding Fanboys: we all have our stories, and make our jokes, but when I'm selling a DVD of SLIME CITY, and a guy comes over to me with a beat up old VHS copy of the film, tells me he loves it, and asks me to take a picture with him, he makes my day. I'm no celebrity, I'm not famous, and I'm grateful for anyone who appreciates the flick. This year, I'm only attending 2 cons for sure: FOF again, and the Eerie Horror Film Festival, and possibly Screamfest in Florida, but next year I plan to do Horrorfind again if I'm free.

RE: the bootlegs, I don't condone them, but most bootlegs are of movies / TV shows not available yet, and I can understand a diehard fan shelling out too much money for something they're dying to own. I've done it myself--and almost every time I've done so, the announcement for the official, extras-jammed legit edition was right around the corner!

[That's splat.]

[Since this interview, Greg did indeed go on to work with Erin Brown in 2007 (in the Johnny Gruesome short film / music video) and Debbie Rochon in 2009 (in his sequel to Slime City, appropriately titled Slime City Massacre, which has just been completed and is making rounds in the festival circuit now). Also, Shock-O-Rama (a sub label of I.E.) went all out and finally released Undying Love, along with the Gruesome short and Slime City / Naked Fear in the Slime City Grindhouse Collection Set. Not only that, but Greg did go on to write his book on low budget filmmakers, entitled Cheap Scares. Right on Greg!]

For up to date news, and journal postings, visit Greg’s website: Slime Guy: The Gregory Lamberson Files.

February 1st, 2010, Bearded Weirdo Reviews did an interview with Greg. Definitely CHECK IT OUT as it’s got pretty much all of the new stuff he’s been doing and it gets really in depth.
My words are my own and as of posted from their creation forward I hereby claim originality to them. Pictures may prove to be promotional items and are the sole possessions of their respectful owners and/or companies. I do not sell, nor do I buy. I only rent, so therefore, nothing I own is truly mine.