December 31, 2011

Wrong Turn 4 (2011) and The Task (2010)

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings (2011) [Horror / Slasher and Survival] Dir: Declan O'Brien - 20th Century Fox

Wrong Turn 4 started off on a bad note for me with its annoying, overly-chaotic and senselessly jumbled introduction that seemed to be nothing more than Insanity for the fuck of it. There was too much One Flew Over-type shit going on and it was if they were trying super duper hard just to be zany to the extreme while peppering the violence on! The excessive giggling and shock treatment of the new psychologist / nurse was eye-rollingly over the top and the doctor in chains scene was ridiculous even after suspending all disbelief of that being physically possible. It didn't help that the actor portraying the doctor was woodier than an axe handle either.

Despite a quick orgy interruption, featuring people who should never be allowed to speak - only rest chin-first in the nearest bored muff, the movie hit some serious lag. As the young, dumb and full of cumsters make their way out to meet up with Brad or Chad or some bro of theirs, we get a keen look at just who these young adults are: A bunch of dumb motherfuckers! That's who. After a mix of dumbassery, douchebaggery and debauchery (oh, and some sweet snowboard moves - including one half-inch jump over flat ground at two miles per hour) the dumb fucks get lost in a snowstorm and head towards, you guessed it, the old abandoned Mental Hospital. Yeah, the now-home of the Cannibalistic Gruesome Threesome. As if that first orgy scene wasn't bad enough.

From that point we get to witness various interaction scenes between these chicks and dudes that are akin to watching paint dry, without the leisure of being able to huff it and make it all bearable. By the time the three brothers show up fiending for human flesh and start gettin' to the killing, the stupidity of these characters amps up by 50%. Now I don't know if it was the intention of the filmmakers to do this, but the complete idiocy of these kids is sure to be unsurpassed in the next ten years of future horror films. These characters made some of the most irrational decisions in horror history. And Dumb Bitch #1 takes the fuckin' cake with her "No, don't kill the killers now that we have the one and only chance to do so... they don't deserve it and neither do you." Seriously? GTFO!

Wrong Turn 4 is frustratingly dumb, for the most part predictable and let's face it, the girls weren't that hot. But despite the bad reviews, the film has one thing and one thing only going for it. The GORE! This movie isn't a total Gore-Fest (more of a Bore-Fest ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - I kill me!) but there are scenes of bloodbathian proportions. And all of it looks pretty damn tasty. The strength of most of these particular death scenes is their sudden impactitude. A few of them were snap-of-a-finger sudden, but totally effective and left a fucked up lingering impression. When the camera loitered for more time on some of the carnage (such as the dude getting slowly skinned alive and fondued) it's all just a lesson in repetition. Heh, fonDUDE! "They like... fondude him dude!" I read about this film over at The Horror Club, and thought I'd give it a try. Hey, thanks a lot buddy! *Shakes fist old-man-style* C-


Task, The - After Dark Originals (2010) [Horror / ESP and Ghosts] Dir: Alex Orwell - Lionsgate

Check out that cover art. Look at it! Perhaps it's just the horror kid in me but when I was flipping through the Redbox and I saw this, I had a mini freak-out moment inside. I felt like Beavis and Butthead when they came across a pair of Fresh Boobs, or a Heavy Metal music video. "Whoa... Yes! YES!" That deliciously sinister grin, and the video camera... what utterly Evil and delightfully Gruesome acts does this mischievous fellow have in store for the nubile young fleshlings!? The answer? Not a god damned thing.

Best scene of the film: all six seconds of it.
The Task started out pretty good: A group of stereotypically diverse people are "randomly" adult-napped, stuffed into the back of a van and taken to an undisclosed location. They're then lined up in a row while this nice fellow in the devilish clown mask circles around them, causing one guy to furiously piss himself. But of course, nothing is at all what it seems to be in The Task. A douche dude shows up and explains that they've been chosen to be on a "scary new reality show" where they must survive one night in a haunted prison... or some shit.
"Son of a fuck." I say to myself, that's what The Task is? The movie then goes into this shitty montage of each character auditioning for an unknown reality show a few months prior. We've got the standard flaming gay guy, the tokin' black guy, the annoying chick, the other even more annoying chick, ect. They all decide not to sue the balls off these fuckers, and agree to the terms for whatever reason (ten dollar gift cards to Denny's I can't quite remember). Once inside they notice video cameras all over the building and are informed over intercoms what each of them will have to do that night.

Dumb bitch has to stick her hand in the mysterious box "filled with razor blades" to retrieve the first name. Gay guy has to read passages backwards from a bible in front of a lit candle in the creepy dark chapel (the prison has a chapel of course) to summon the spirit of the old, Oktoberfest-dressed, bald and mustached warden. Black guy has to lay in some kind of shit filled hole in the ground covered by a steel door. Other annoying chick has to sit in the abandoned gas chamber room... ect... it's all very lame and horrific. Horrifically boring that is! The warden (or his ghost) shows up and starts kinda violently murdering them one by one. The pranksters behind the camera now don't know if they're being pranked themselves or if this shit just got real.

The Task had me anxiously waiting for it to end, to the point where I just kept getting up to see if the food in my fridge had spoiled yet. The acting is shit. The writing is putrid. The story just plain sucks ass. Then there's plot twists after plots twist that are nonsensical and it's all very stupid. The horrid amateur acting releases the movie of any tension and renders the final scene completely ineffective. The death scenes are weak, with only one realistic gore scene that ends up being a twist in itself. Hell, even the gay guy angle is a twist. The bad guy ain't scary, and in fact, the only thing scary about this movie is how horribly cheesy is it. And I like cheese! It may go without saying, but I'm gonna: The Task is a task to watch. D-



Malibu Express said...

Sucks to hear that "Wrong Turn 4" wasn't so great. I've been a fan of the series since the get-go and was kind of looking forward to this one.

Even if it is stupid as hell though, the promise of cannibalism and gore (not to mention interracial lesbian sex) will still have me pay top dollar for the thing. Well, maybe not top dollar, but five bucks or so...

- Aaron

Maynard Morrissey said...

Watched WT4 yesterday and fully agree with you.
It's about as terrible as Part 4 and really makes you wonder what's wrong with that dork-director Declan O'Brien. He did a fairly decent job on Sharktopus but he completely destroyed the WT-franchise.

Watched The Task last week and surprisingly enjoyed it a lot. Loads of creepy scenes and some hilarious one-liners.

Stay tuned: reviews for both movies coming in the next few days!

oh btw, I need your Email because I'd like to do a little horror-related interview with you :)

Unknown said...

Texas Chainsaw 3D Tops Weekend Box Office With $23 Million

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