Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale

Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale (2018)

Seasonal / 12 fl. oz. (x6) / $11.49 USD / 6.7% ABV

Elysian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale poured a dark amber orange color with a small white foamy head. Despite being unfiltered and containing sediment the beer is actually pretty clear, if only slightly hazy. Cool looking owl on the label and a nice ABV of 6.7%, and you know I've been looking forward to this one for quite some time... but I'll talk about that later. Time to lean in and get a whiff of this sucker...

Holy Shit this smells amazing! 100% pumpkin pie, no joke. Cinnamon and sugar up front on the nose and that's just the way I like it. Spices mingling all around behind that. But this scent, it's like taking a bite of some really good pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top. Also a bit reminiscent of vanilla sugar cookies. I hope the taste delivers on the smell.

First gulp goin' in... and I don't know how they do it. Supposedly they use six varieties of malts in this and how that works to create such a clean and solid pumpkin pie flavored beer is beyond me. You get a little flood of that nutmeg, allspice and believe it or not it does have a lingering aftertaste of pumpkin seeds. There's a very nice mild sweetness, just enough bitterness to balance it but not overwhelm, and then on top of that it just rides out real smooth. All those malts with a single magnum hop and there's nothing ill-flavored to it at all. It just overall tastes really fucking good. I'm very pleased that this beer features such a pronounced cinnamon-sugar taste up front, with just the perfect amount of ginger, allspice and clover to round it out. Most of the time those last three go overboard when it come to pumpkin beers. Getting into it there's a slight bit of smokiness and that toasty roasted bit that hides in the background but is appreciated.

Elysian beers haven't been available near me until just a few months ago when Space Dust (a personal favorite and #1 go-to beer as of late), Dayglow and Superfuzz showed up out of nowhere. With that happening my first thought was that I hope some of their pumpkin beers show up as well. I haven't had any of their pumpkin beers (aside from an 8 oz pour of their Headless Horsey pumpkin brett and a 4 oz pour of their Gourdfather pumpkin barleywine back in 2012 at the CBC Great Pumpkin Festival) so I guess you could say that I've been looking forward to this beer for the last 7 years! I'm very happy to report that it meets and even surpasses all expectations. Well done Elysian.

Wicked Weed Barrel Aged Xibalba

Wicked Weed Barrel Aged Xibalba - Imperial Pumpkin Ale with Cacao Nibs, Chiles and Spices (2016)

Brewed and Bottled by Wicked Weed Brewing in Asheville, NC.

Fall Seasonal-Limited Release / 12.7 fl. oz. / $11.99 USD / 9.5% ABV

About: "We meant to create something civilized. Honestly, we did. Under midnight skies, we imbued him with the velvety darkness of the cacao, the smoldering fire of chilies, the power of pumpkin, and the nuance of spices. However, our combination created an other-worldly beast, one whose intensity we could only hope to contain. We fearfully crammed him into our bourbon oak chambers. We heard him scream throughout the nights, and lay awake in terror as the barrels creaked. One moonlit night, our worst fears were realized, Xibalba burst forth, his power and strength surging beyond imagination. We fled in horror as he ransacked the temple, the subtle sent of bourbon ad spiced laying a civilized backdrop to the utter carnage." OK.

Thoughts: Bottled: 8/30/16. Drank: 9/23/16.

The head on this beer fizzled away in mere seconds, but as I sit down to write this review I look over at the glass and see an absolute fucking abundance of miniature carbonation bubbles rising up by the millions! I've seen tiny bubbles before, but this one tops them all. This beer has the smallest damn bubbles I've ever seen in my life. And they're just blasting upward so incredibly fast, I'm telling you it's cool as hell. I see a couple floaties roaming through the night skies of this brew as well, every so often one will stray from the bubble path and drift off. And this beer in a dark sumbitch as well. Not pitch black by any means, but a seriously dark raspberry brown that is just dark as night. Color is mostly visible around the edge of the glass.

The scent on this one is great. Very boozy... and man oh man do I loves me some booooze! Hot dayum. Bourbon oak barrels and this beer accompany each other mighty finely may I just say so ourself. It's rich, strong, creamy, spicy in more ways than one and guaranteed to send a blast to the face upon first gulp. It's also very candy like. The cacao, pumpkin and spices give off the sensation of munching on Halloween chocolates. And just around the corner from that are the chiles that no doubt take this one to the next level. Incredible. I'm gonna drink it.

As soon as this beer hit my lips I found it to be way f'n more mellow than I expected. First off, no real evidence of alcohol burn which is nice. That kind of thing doesn't really turn me off, but it does for some, so it's interesting at least to note. It's got a nice semi-sweet malty base, very pumpkin mash and shaved chocolate truffle, and it's all engulfed in that toasty bourbon. Swallow each gulp and you're hit with the chiles and spices that kinda just bounce around and tingle on the tongue. Top notch stuff. Four sips in and I'm feeling fire light inside. Aftertaste is a little grassy, and that's where the bourbon in here really lingers. I would have preferred the chili and spice to dominate the aftertaste and not the woodsy booze haze but that's an absolutely minute fucking compliant if even it is one.

Overall this beer is pretty sweet for what it is, it's got strong flavors and the barrel aging is really imparted into it. There's really not much more you can ask from this beer, but I'll give it a try. I would have preferred a little more emphasis on some cinnamon and nutmeg, but oh well. I would really like to try the original concoction of this beer, though I haven't come across it yet. My guess would be that the spices are a lot less subdued due to not being barrel aged. Though I love my fair share of barrel aged beers, I have been known to enjoy their original counterparts a little moreso. We'll just have to wait and see. Final thoughts: Recommended. Grab a bottle and treat yourself.

Spacelab9 presents The Addams Family

Here are some photos I took of my Addams Family soundtrack from Spacelab9 (w/ Sony Music and RCA apparently). Released on October 16'th 2015 in honor of this television show's 50'th anniversary, this deluxe vinyl edition was released in 4 Limited Edition variations: A Glow-in-the-Dark "Fester's Lightbulb" version (exclusive to Barnes and Noble), a "Lurch Green" version (exclusive to Newbury Comics), a "Cousin Itt Brown" version (exclusive to Hastings), and an extremely limited "Black Pumpkin Splatter" version that sold at NYCC with some leftovers sold online.

I of course bought the Glow-in-the-Dark version because you know, that's just damn cool. Even though the Black Pumpkin Splatter is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, I actually didn't even know that it existed at the time. If I had known, my decision would have been a lot more difficult. As it were with the three I was aware of the glowing vinyl was a no-brainer. And that's how I like to make all the decisions in my life... without using my brain. Haha, wow. This release is a single sleeve with a 12x24" foldout insert which is a pretty nice read and rather colorful to boot.

For anyone not familiar with the music (what in the fuck!?) it's old school as a motherfucker. It's real shnazzy, and jazzy and a little funky. Think in the realms of the scores for Barbarella or Vampyros Lesbos. That's where this kind of music would fit in. Probably not as weird as those two though as it's mostly upbeat tunes, but genre-wise for sure. The album itself has a pretty moderate hiss throughout the whole thing and sounds a bit aged, but in this case that really doesn't bother me at all since this music is old as hell and that just adds to it for me. It's approximately only a half hour long as well, which goes by pretty fast so it's good for a quick listen.

Bourbon County Vanilla Rye and Backyard Rye

Bourbon County Vanilla Rye - Imperial Stout Aged in Bourbon Barrels with Mexican and Madagascar Vanilla Beans (2014)

Extremely Limited Release (Rotating)

22 fl. oz. / $23.99 USD / 13.8% ABV

About: "First brewed for the legendary festival of Wood and Barrel Aged Beer in Chicago, drinkers enjoyed this Bourbon County Variant so much we bottled it the next year (2010). People flocked to stores to get their hands on a bottle and have this one of a kind barrel aged stout. Over the past few years we have heard our fans express their love for this version and we are extremely proud to bring it back in 2014. This years version features a little twist of aging the stout in Rye Whiskey Barrels with a mix of Mexican and Madagascar vanilla beans! HOPS: Columbus / MALTS: 2-Row, Bonlander Munich, Chocolate, Caramel-60, Roasted Barley, Debittered Black."

Thoughts: Cracked the bottle cap and a first impression before even pouring this out and hot damn this is gonna be a doozy. This jet black sludge of a beer poured out with a slight fizz to it and left a chocolate brown head resembling a galaxy. The smell on this thing is absolutely fucking amazing! It's like a mix of cherry flavored brandy, ultra rich dark chocolate, and soft mocha. It's heavy. It's like moist chocolate cake and dripping wet vanilla ice cream.

Took my first gulp and talk about a mind blowing treat this is. Instantly regret not grabbing a second bottle... but no big deal. The vanilla in this is unreal! After I swallowed that first gulp it just exploded in with what I can only describe as the purest, most real representation of vanilla in a beer that I've ever experienced. The rye is there and it's just the right amount too. It brings a spiciness to it that blends with the hazy heat of the beer perfectly. It's strong and just a bit in your face, though not at all overbearing. That's two big draws for the beer already and the main ones at that since what was advertised has been delivered on troves. That by the way, was the first time I've ever actually used the word "troves" and it just came to me. I'm really shocked that there's no cherries in this, though, I guess it would be a little more tart if there really was. As things are it's absurdly malty, rich, and indulgent.

Vanilla Rye is silky smooth, nicely spiced, has a gentle bitterness to counteract the sweetness and overall is just an outstanding beer.

Bourbon County Backyard Rye - Stout Aged in Rye Whiskey Barrels with Mulberries, Boysenberries, and Marionberries (2013)

Extremely Limited Release (Rotating)
22 fl. oz. / $21.99 USD / 12.7% ABV

About: "Always on the lookout for the next thing they can throw in a barrel, our brewers actually looked no further than their own backyard for this release – literally. Inspired by the berries they remember first eating from the trees in their yards; this Bourbon County release is full of the dark, spicy, and pleasantly sweet flavors of mulberries, marionberries, and boysenberries. This trio of fruit nicely rounds out the spice and heat of the rye whiskey barrels in which they were aged, resulting in a smooth, jammy stout perfect for sipping on your back porch. HOPS: Willamette / MALTS: 2-Row, Munich, Chocolate, Caramel, Roast Barley, Debittered Black."

Thoughts: Backyard Rye poured a deep dark black with nary a head at all. A small bit of foam appeared during the pour but died down to a few planetary clouds in an instant. This smells pretty damn good! It's super sweet and sugary, there's a distinct rye characteristic that doesn't get all too heavy and then there's the barrel aging that simply makes the beer what it is. It's rich, indulgent, chocolaty and has a bit of an angelfood cake thing for it. It's like an evil motherfucking milkshake.

Damn that's smooth!!!1

I'm not usually one that's much into rye, but fucking hell it's laying down so perfectly at the exact right temperature here that it delivers the exact amount needed, and glorious would be the word to describe the sensation. It's soft, yet present, and overall while everything is strong, this beer is balanced to a degree of perfection. I didn't think that I would like it this much after I tried their barleywine, which I really didn't like, Though I love the original, no doubt about that. Something about that rye barrel aging here, is that it really works here with those berries. It clicks. It's in tune. Blended seamlessly. It's to put it bluntly, total fucking beauty. There's the sweetness, the flavor blast, the tingling, the pepper, the soothing fade, the absurd amount of aftertaste that lingers for years, and the overall sensation of just some slightly grim bliss.

Mouth is solid. It's fiery when cold and sticky as hell. Prepare to be pinched with each sip. This stuff is not only rugged but eloquent at the same time.

Stone Stochasticity Project Grapefruit Slam, Quadro Triticale, Hibiscusicity and Master of Disguise

Stone Stochasticity Project GRAPEFRUIT SLAM IPA - Ale with grapefruit peel added (2014)

Check out the making of this beer series HERE.

22 fl. oz. / $9.99 USD / 8.2% ABV

About: "India pale ales harness the inherent flavor characteristics of hops to bring forward familiar flavors of pine, resin, spice, and citrus. In some cases, those botanicals are so potent, they exactly mirror specific edibles. Such is the case with Centennial hops, which hail from the Great Northwest and come across on the palate like a mouthful of citrus fruit. That sensation is amplified with this, the first beer introduced via the Stochasticity Project - a double IPA brewed with Centennial, Chinook and Magnum hops as well as an immense dosing of fresh grapefruit peel. The result is over-the-top bittersweet grapefruit intensity that is at once refreshing and bracing in its citrusy bitterness. MALTS: North American Pale, Light Crystal / HOPS: Centennial, Chinook, Magnum, Centennial (Dry Hopped) / SPECIALTY: Grapefruit Peel." 

Thoughts: Bottled 1/23/14. Drank 2/23/14. Don't know what the hell this is or where it came from, but it looks like a Stone bottle and was alongside all the Stone beers so I figured what the hell. Slam poured an extremely clear golden yellow color with some mild carbonation and a one inch fluffed out ultra white head on top. It's been a while since I've seen a beer this clear, should I be worried? The scent is really good. There is a ton of grapefruit in there just as advertised. Seemingly nice balance. Not too bitter, not too sweet... the hops aren't too strong and neither are the malts, but they're both flowing in unison here and it's a mildly sweet brew. It's nicely bright and citrusy, and smells inviting.

There's a ton of hops up front on this one and they're all great. We've got soft grass, tons of pine, a heavy dose of resin and massive amounts of grapefruit. All of them are intermingling and yet, they all pop up one at a time to say hello, which is nice. It's a very bittersweet beer that has a very welcome sweetness to go along with the heavy "slams" of bitter that are thrown at the tongue. It's got a very bitter characteristic to it, though it's not overly bitter at the same time. It's borderline perfectly balanced and has a certain strength to it, though it's not all that heavy. There's a ton of that grapefruit zest all over this one and it's nicely done. Mouth feel is a little oily, slick and somewhat foamy. This is a very enjoyable beer. If you're into Double IPAs with citrus sensations that are quite bitter but have a palate saving sweet side to them, then give this one a chance.

Stone Stochasticity Project QUADRO TRITICALE - a Belgain style quad ale brewed with triticale grain (2014)
22 fl. oz. / $ 8.89 USD / 9.3% ABV

About: "Trappist ales as we know them have a proud lineage dating back nearly a century. Rather than follow the footsteps of the monks who forged the quadrupel - the warmest and darkest of monastery offerings - we aimed to test its inherent makeup. In doing so, we added triticale, a hybrid grain combining the pleasant flavor of wheat with the elemental durability and spice of rye, to breathe new life into the malt bill. Because of this, this reimagined brew comes across differently than its classic Belgian predecessors, and beautifully so. Lower in sweetness, but rich with flavors mirroring dried fruit, it’s a modern interpretation of one of the most historically sacred styles on earth. MALTS: Pilsner, Flaked Triticale / YEAST: Belgian Ardennes Strain / SPECIALTY: Dark Candi Sugar."

Thoughts: Bottled on: ??? (Sometime in May or June). Drank: 6/15/14. I cracked the bottle and got a whiff of this pungent shit from a foot away. Poured it into the glass and it looks like a light raspberry juice. There's hardly any carbonation at all and the beer looks somewhat cloudy. The head was barely there and when it had settled, left what looks like a huge spiderweb clinging to the corners all around the glass rim. It's pretty cool looking. Smells of strong Belgian yeast, and it's kinda dirty and raw. The wheat/rye hybrid that they've used in this is heavy hitting and just fuckin' in your face. The first whiff I got was nearly off putting, but once I gave it a little time it started smelling more and more drinkable.

First gulp and I'll tell you I expected to have some sort of overpowering blast of craziness, but was instead met with gentle, soothing, sweet and malty niceness. It's soft, very very clean tasting, smooth and has a really low level crisp aftertaste. Surprising to say the least. I thought for sure I was going to be smacked upside the head with rye and then across the face with that wheat... but it's all just so gentle and blended together seamlessly. The alcohol in this is not even noticeable at all. It's just sweet and soft and pleasant and actually pretty good. Still, there is a rawness to this that is pretty damn thick. It starts off sweet and sultry, then gets down and dirty, but it never goes too far in either direction. All in all, it's pretty nice.

Stone Stochasticity Project HIBISCUSICITY - Belgain-Style ale brewed with hibiscus flower and orange peel (2014)
22 fl. oz. / $8.29 USD / 7.4% ABV

About: "In pushing the beer envelope, we aim to advance imbibers options for something far beyond run of the mill with this immensely thirst-quenching alternative. As original as the tongue-twisting name we coined for it, this robust Belgian-style ale is brewed with wheat, hibiscus and orange peel, bringing forth floral and citrus notes against a brilliant pink hue. MALTS: Pale, Wheat / HOPS: Magnum, Sterling / SPECIALTY: Orange Peel."

Thoughts: What in the hell is a hibiscus flower and why do I suddenly want it inside of me!? That is tonight's question, and the answer... is beer! Well apparently there are a million species of this flower, so yeah, that's pretty cool I guess. Wow. This is one bright pink beer! Looks like they might have used the red or pink ones. The smell is very floral, who would have thought!? It's not the heaviest of scents... there's mostly wheat and citrus peel. A seemingly nice balance of pale malt and herbal hops.

First gulp and man, there is something really cool going on in this beer. These flowers and orange peel take a solid balanced brew to a fun and interesting level. Slightly tart, sweet enough to cover any bitterness or heavy citrus, a little plain... but man it is floral and that's what matters in this one, because you can really taste the pedals, the stems, the leaves. I'm totally serious. Those three things resonate within this beer, as if you've been chewing on edible flowers. It's cool. It's slightly spicy, but it's a real mild one, and there's no real kick anywhere once the initial floral shock wears off. Overall this one is nice and mild, tasty and just a little bit lovely. It doesn't get too perfumy at all which is totally awesome, because if it did that would cloud the mouth. This one falls back aproprialtely and leaves a clean comfortable aftertaste. Nicely done.

Stone Stochasticity Project MASTER OF DISGUISE - imperial golden stout brewed with cocoa and coffee beans (2014)
22 fl. oz. / $8.29 USD / 9.7% ABV

About: "Some illusions and misnomers lead to life's most delightful surprises. Case in point - this beer, the yang to the yin that is the Black India Pale Ale. Once revolutionary for its onyx appearance, it is now an accepted and beloved member of the India pale ale family. Thus we took the spirit of a dark beer - the time-honored stout - and applied a similar science of thought, brewing it to be golden-hued. Cocoa and coffee beans impart roastiness sans darkening to this brew, while flaked oats provide an enveloping mouthfeel. The result is a stout that looks more like a blonde, but is a raven beauty at heart. MALTS: Carapils, English Amber, Pale, Flaked Oats / HOPS: Liberty, Nugget / SPECIALTY: Cocoa, Coffee Beans."

Thoughts: Looks like quite the deceptive beer we've got on our hands here. The back of this bottle makes reference to the Black IPA, and describes that as the Yin to this beers Yang. Interesting. This golden beer is incredibly clear, features a short frothy white head on top and smells just like freshly ground coffee at the supermarket. Hints of cocoa lay underneath it all, as does a quick burst of nuttiness.

First gulp and I'm hit with an unbelievably strong blast of coffee, followed by mild chocolate and then a quick explosion of oily and resinous hops. It's pretty cool. This was bottled on 11/4/14, and I'm drinking it 12/6/14, just thought I'd throw that out there. This series of beers so far has been pretty cool, I wasn't sure of it at first since I did't realize just until now what the spectrum Stone was going for was going to be. But as of now I'm looking forward to the next in the series.

It's some pretty smooth drinking. Not weighed down at all. It's not too light, but it is crisp and airy. It's so smooth though, even with that burst of bubbles at the beginning of each gulp. It slides right down the gullet and like I've said before, I'm not really one for coffee ground flavors all up in my shit... so for me to say that I recommend this means something. It's very balanced overall and comes off pretty slick.

Love Spurts.

My brain is gone, can you not tell?

I "live" inside this private hell

That stupid bitch, who told me lies

Yet I'm the one I wish would die.

I grab a knife and look around

Into the mirror there is my frown

For I'm the only one that's here

I'll bleed to death for you my dear

Fuck this shit I need some sleep

I'd rather die than live and weep

I down some liquor and some pills

Slitting my wrists till my blood spills

I drink too much, that is no lie

And I don't have to wonder why

She broke my heart, left me for dead

Now I face-fuck her severed head.

-E

Avery Pump[KY]n

Avery Pump[KY]n - Porter brewed w/ Pumpkin and Spices and Aged in Bourbon Barrels (2014)

Limited Release (First Batch).

12 fl. oz. / $12.99 USD / 17.22% ABV

About: "What’s in a name? Sometimes the simplest can be the most descriptive, and in this case, derisive and divisive! After much internal debate (ad nauseum! Bourb[KY]n, anyone?), we decided a single letter change was the best way to embody the bourbon barrel-aging that adds layers of complexity to an already exquisitely spiced pumpkin porter."

Thoughts: Last night while watching Hell in a Cell, I drank a 2014 bottle of Avery Rumpkin (original review HERE) and I'll tell ya, the shit was absolutely glorious! Even better than I remember from the last two years. But this one's about Rumpkin's brand new sister beer! I almost didn't even buy this beer because I thought it was Rumpkin on the shelf. It was right next to it and the area was a bit cluttered since many people must have picked up the bottles and set them back down after considering the price. Plus, I didn't know that this even existed since it's been about a year since I payed attention to any real beer news. When I noticed it on the shelf, I just said fuck it and bought both their pumpkin brews because that's what a guy like me would do.

Pump[KY]n porter poured a dense black with a soft light-brownish tan head on top. A little smoke came out when I cracked it, but other than that there's not really much to describe. The smell is on par with other Avery works of art and by that I mean that this beer is obviously a masterpiece. Having the Rumpkin last night I will say that I do enjoy the scent on that one a bit more, but that's only because I'm more partial to ales than porters. This one is super rich, like an alcoholic chocolate cake... there's tons of barley malt here and it's so strong you could drown in it. There's also some cinnamon and spices on top of oatmeal. It's absolutely fucking beautiful! Oh, and it smells dangerous as a motherfucker too.

It's still a bit cold, even though I've had it sitting for 45 minutes without touching it. How do I do that you ask? I don't know, but I think I may like torturing myself. Let's try it! Yes. First gulp and IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!1 Avery you sadistic bastards, you've done it again. Yeah, there's a ton of heat on this... but it's sweet, spicy and just ripping with barley. This one really reminds me of Dogfish Head's World Wide Stout which is brewed with a shit-ton of malted barley as well. Oh, on a side note I should probably tell you that yesterday I aslo drank a 2014 DFH WWS earlier the last evening (the Rumpkin was my nightcap) so yeah I'm going a bit nuts with these high ABV brews but that's what I like to do.

The Bourbon barrel aging on this is off the fuckin' chain though. It's got a strong presence that hits the hardest after the swallow, leaving a fiery haze down the gullet and igniting your fuckin' ass, man! While in the mouth however, you get all of those pumpkin spices and that sweet oatmeal. This is the definition of a sipper beer. It's the real deal, and this one and Rumpkin are two pumpkin beers in which all others should be judged. Just looking to my right at these two empty bottles I've gotta say, that I feel blessed! No joke. I know these beers are about $15 each, or could be 10-18$ depending on where you are, but it's totally worth it because Pump[KY]n and Rumpkin are not just beers but experiences.

Despite how enjoyable this beer is fresh, I would definitely suggest aging it a bit since it is extremely hot. That, and the sweetness is a bit much. If I ever pick up another bottle, it's going in the back of the fridge for a year or two.

Troegs Master of Pumpkins

Tröegs Master of Pumpkins (2014)

Seasonal? (Fall).

12.7 fl. oz. (x4) / $13.99 USD / 7.5% ABV (Not listed on packaging)

About: "Brewed with native Pennsylvania neck pumpkins harvested just a few miles from our brewery, Master of Pumpkins conjures the spirit of autumn by combining roasted pumpkins and traditional pie spices with a French saison yeast. This natural fermentation releases a palate of vanilla, cinnamon, clove, nutmeg, ginger, and honey. Taste it you will see, more is all you need! Malt: Munich, Pilsner, Special B / Hops: German Northern Brewer / Yeast: French Saison / JuJu: Cane Sugar, Pennsylvania Honey, Roasted Pennsylvania Neck Pumpkins / Spices: Cinnamon, Clove, Ginger, Nutmeg / Food Compliments: Mexican dishes or other spicy foods, gamey meats and poultry, cheesecake, aged cheeses."

Thoughts: Popped the cork and a little smoke emerged. MoP poured an extremely clear light-red, auburn-raspberry color with a quick-dissolving white head on top. Natural carbonation is very lively and from the top of the glass it looks like I'm staring up at the moon.

The scent is of natural pumpkin, sweet yet tart, freshly torn gourd, and mild. That French saison yeast really comes out and takes this beer into an absurd place, but what else is there to expect from Tröegs!? Those yeast fiends. Cinnamon, clove and nutmeg are present but taking a backseat to a shit-ton of allspice and honey.

Well... this one isn't the most pleasant of pumpkin beers. It's got a bit of a rubbery thing going on, no doubt due to that funky yeast and the allspice is just dominating! Really, that's about it. Just a lot of Chinese five spice all over the place and a funny tasting yeast. Once you get used it, it's not really that terrible though. It definitely could use a little more cinnamon though.

In terms of those natural tasting pumpkin ales, this one fits in nicely and thankfully isn't as boring or as bitter as some of the other ones. There's a decent sweetness on this one and a nice haze around the end of each gulp. It tastes pretty fresh too... perhaps a little too fresh. Overall despite the good and the bad, this beer is just kinda one note and that's not going to cut it. If it were one note yet amazing tasting, that would be a different story.

Magic Hat DeVEILed and Seance

Magic Hat deVEILed (2013)

Seasonal (Fall).

12 fl. oz. / $1.49 USD / 5.2% ABV

About: "Shrouded in otherworldly goodness! A thin veil rests between two worlds, shrouding one’s view from the other. Lives of the present and those long gone may cross the boundary if they wish, but they must first awaken to the possibility. Once eyes have opened, a harmonious convergence of life and death can be seen, the oneness deveiled, shifting into sight. Malts: 2-Row Pale, Victory, Crystal 40L, Caramel Munich, Caramel 120L, Chocolate / Hops: Magnum, Cascade / Yeast: English Ale"

Thoughts: Damn that is some nice artwork label there. I wonder how much the beer is going to suck just based off that it's got such incredible artwork alone! DeVEILed poured an amber red color with a small foamy light tan head on top. There's generous carbonation and the beer itself is very cloudy. Leaning in for the first whiff and I get toasty water. It's really hard to smell anything here. I get some sweet syrup way in the background but that's about it.

Mouth feel is a little fizzy like and really watery. This beer has a raw funk to it. It's peppery and citrusy and just really kinda grimy. Not all too pleasant I'd have to say. The flavors all blend together kinda nice at first but once you swallow and let the air hit the inside of your mouth it gets all jumbled up and gross. It's like a spiced brown ale, with a lot of grassy water and a little dirt added. Not liking this one too much. Fuck you awesome artwork. Final thought, this motherfucker needs to be REveiled. Ha!

Magic Hat SEANCE (2013)

Seasonal (Fall).

12 fl. oz. / $1.49 USD / 4.4% ABV

About: "Some mysteries are more easily attainable through collected energies and certain assembled elements of seasons, dreams and that which is not at all what it seems. Hold a Séance and peer into an ethereal world of pleasures lying just on the other side of our psyche, floating on shifting winds, through blurred seasons and between waking and sleeping bends. Malts: 2-Row Pale, White Wheat, Victory, Carafa, Flaked Oats, Crystal 80L, Cherry Wood Smoke / Hops: Goldings, Hallertaur / Yeast: Saison II"

Thoughts: Seance poured a really dark brown color with a long lasting light tan head. One things for sure this smells a hell of a lot better than deVEILed. Ahh, it must be that belgian yeast. This one smells sweet, with hints of banana, candy apple, toasted oats, and bonfires.

The beer starts off peppery and smoky, with a lot of that bonfire feeling coming through real strong. The tons of malt mingle together peacefully while the sprinkling of hops bounce around the palate. It's not a strong beer at all, but it's loaded with flavor and tastes good. It's slightly on the charred side, but I've really got no problem with that. Drinking this really reminds me of getting drunk at the beach back when I was a freaky teen. It's got a slight hint of sourness around the middle mark, but a really fine and clean aftertaste to it.

Mouth is a bit fluffed up and weighty. You can tell this beer was made by Magic Hat as their stuff does share a similar kind of base taste and a gritty, dirty rawness to them... but here's one that actually worked out. I'm not in any rush to go buy any more of it, but if they do something special like age it in wine barrels or something I'll have another go at it.

Founders Bolt Cutter

Founder's Bolt Cutter - Our 15'th Anniversary Ale (2012)

Anniversary Brew (Backstage Series)

25.4 fl. oz. / $25.99 / 15% ABV

About: "Bolt Cutter is a cellarable 15% ABV barley wine brewed in celebration of our 15th anniversary. Dry-hopped with a mountain of Cascade hops, it’s balanced by a malty sweetness and spicy complexity, resulting from barrel aging some of it in bourbon barrels, some in maple syrup-bourbon barrels and some not at all (standard fermentation only). We allowed the beer to mature in bottles and kegs for four months so that it would be perfect for its release in November 2012. Bolt Cutter pours a deep copper color and is best sampled at different temperatures to allow the flavors to unfold."

Thoughts: I bought this beer two years ago and it's been in the back of my fridge inside of a closed paper bag ever since. Why? I do not know the answer to that question. I just figured I'd save it for the "right time" or a "special occasion", but there never really was one of those things that ever made me think now is the time. When I decided to buy a Bolt Cutter glass online to pair the shot with they had just sold out, so I guess I felt kind of bummed. Well, that bullshit is over. Last night was Halloween, I got a full weekend to do nothing but jerk off so let's fuckin' do this!

This beer is way clearer than I thought it would be. I'm talking a crystal clear burnt orange with shades of ruby red, and it looks pretty nice. It's so clear that I can read the lettering through it on the back of the glass in this dim room. The off-white head was gloppy and slow to form before dying down into a puddle of mush. I can smell this one from across the table. Just the way I like it. There's only three things I like to be able to smell from across the table: my food, my beer... and my women! The smell is of strong, sweet malted barley and the alcohol is strong with this one. It's got a syrupy burst of toffee that's candy-like and indulgent. Despite the strength on this, it doesn't appear to be hiding a kick.

First sip and it's all there, and with an effervescent surprise on the mouth feel on top of it all. It's absurdly smooth, with a tingling that roars throughout the whole thing, but still, so soothing and soft. How does it stay so smooth?! Is it the two years that have gone by? I got a shiver inducing bite a few seconds after that first sip, but it's settled already by the second. With the third and fourth sip I feel a fire igniting in my stomach. I of course wouldn't put it past Founders to have this barleywine loaded with hops (not much unlike SN Bigfoot) and man are those grassy as all fuck hops bouncing around here. Sometimes after a while, that kind of thing builds up and grimes up a beer, but that's not the case here as it sits back just like a gentle leafy, grassy breeze in the background. It's not strong enough to be distracting, but it's just there enough give a little needed depth... because overall, I'm not getting too much depth here. It's layered, but slightly repetitive.

It tastes like a really smooth hard liquor barleywine hybrid. For the most part it's sweet, especially when you swirl it around in the mouth. After the swallow it's got a very low lever bitterness, but it's there and adds a little complexity to the drink. It's slightly softer than I usually like, most likely due to the aging, but it's still peppery and has a nice zing to it. For being so mellow, it's still damn tasty! This is some exquisite shit here as a matter of fact. Now, I'm of course a little experienced with these High ABV beers. Just the other day I drank a World Wide Stout, Rumpkin, and a Pump[KY]n, in addition to the many others I've tried, this is by far the softest. But that doesn't mean that other people would find this soft at all. Oh hell no! Actually I'm pretty sure that if you gave this to someone who didn't know what the fuck it was they'd think it's straight up booze and not a beer at all.

But that's a good thing, especially about this beer for a guy like me. A freak! No, a guy like me, who enjoys the finer things in life. I just read the info on this beer while preparing to post this review, and while it's obvious that there's some sort of barrel aging it's not on the bottle I don't think. It makes sense now how they did it, what with the syrup I got, then the bourbon and even at times where it didn't really seem as if it were barrel aged at all. So the mix of all three of those things are indeed evident in the taste here. Even then however, I'll admit that this one isn't perfect. Not that it needs to be. In fact, I like it just the way it is, because if were different, well, it'd be something different. And I didn't want to drink something different, I wanted to drink this. And perhaps I'm rambling a bit, but although it's not as good as I was hoping (waiting on it two years and wondering doesn't help that, btw) I still enjoyed the hell out of this one and if given the chance, I'd buy it all over again.

Brewmasters Blatant Pumpkin Ale

Brewmasters BLATANT Pumpkin Ale (2014)

Brewed and Bottled by Brewmasters Brewing Co., Williamsburg, MA. USA.

Seasonal (Fall).

12 fl. oz. / $1.69 USD / ?% ABV

About: No info online about this one whatsoever, so I'll just type this off the side of the bottle. "Ale with BLATANT spices & Autumn Flavors. Full Bodied & Balanced... With REAL Pumpkins!"

Thoughts: I've seen Blatant brews on the shelves here and there, but have never picked one up. Perhaps I'm not one for overly simplistic designs (the pint glass / exlaimation point is basically the main logo on all of their bottles so they all look the same). Luckily I was searching for pumpkin ales that I'd never tried before and noticed this on. It poured a very auburn shade of light, light brown with a little bit of yellow and orange showing. It's hardly the prettiest color I've seen on a beer, I'll tell you that. Foamy white head was slim and left a ring around the glass as it dissipated.

Well, aside from the look, this one smells really good. It's got the gourd goin' for it, and quite an abundance of pumpkin spice. It really smells natural, real pumpkin flesh, sweet yet tart, and nicely spiced.

Gotta say that this one tastes pretty good too. While natural tasting, it's really clean which is a plus and it's got a nice sweet little kick on the end of things. It's got a good balance on it and never actually delves into a noticeable bitter spot, but instead always remains soft, spicy and sweet. Like all non-imperial pumpkin ales this one is missing that special something: a touch of booze. Also it's not really that peppery, but that doesn't matter too much.

It's a pretty calm beer overall with some good flavor on it. The mouth feel is tingly and a little thick. Aftertaste is soft spices and a gentle fruitiness. This one is a decent, non-offensive pumpkin beer.

Leinenkugel's Harvest Patch Shandy

Leinenkugel's Harvest Patch Shandy (2014)

Brewed and Canned by Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Co. in Chippewa Falls, WI. USA.

Seasonal (Fall).

12 fl. oz. (x4) / $5.00 USD / 4.2% ABV

About: "Bring out the best of the season with our Leinenkugel’s Harvest Patch Shandy. It’s a traditional wheat beer that we blend with notes of nutmeg, allspice and clove for a flavor that reminds us of homemade pumpkin pie and pairs perfectly with fall. It’s the perfect pumpkin shandy to pick this season. For an added touch of fall flavor, try pairing it with spicy beef chili or caramel flan."

Thoughts: I purchased the Fall Shandy Sampler 12-pack with 4 cans of 3 different shandy style beers from Leinenkugel. One was an Old Fashioned, one a Cranberry Ginger and the last (which is why I bought it in the first place) is the Harvest Patch. Being a pumpkin beer fiend, there was no way around this, and hell, I like myself a fruity little shandy every now and then! The Old Fashioned was downright horrendous, the Cranberry Ginger was nothing but fruit juice and then there was this:

Harvest Patch poured a light auburn dirty-orange color with a quick dissolving fizzy white head. It's really cloudy, murky and not too pretty but whatever because the smell is amazing. This baby smells like everything you'd want in a pumpkin beer. Tons of nutmeg, the dominating factor here, followed up by allspice, clove and cinnamon sugar. It's got a real nice cinnamon toast crunch thing going for it and who the hell doesn't like that shit right?! Very nice aroma and sweet and inviting, like a custard pumpkin pie. So good.

One of the good things about Shandy beers, despite being not the most "metal" style of beer out there, is that it works so fucking well with pumpkin spice. The mouth feel on this one is bright, tingling and invigorating. It's a bit light, and somewhat fizzy, but it fits. The taste is clean, sweet and flavorful. It's just like liquefied pumpkin pie. All of those spices hit the tongue beautifully and it's so vibrant. There's nothing mild about this one aside from the alcohol, but that's alright alright alright. It's slightly drying, but not much. The wheat base is there, but it's not an overpowering wheat taste either... the spices here blend perfectly and thrive. Mikey (Myers) likes it.

Two Roads Roadsmary's Baby

Two Roads Roadsmary's Baby (2014)

Brewed and Bottled by Two Roads Brewing Co in Stratford, CT. USA.

Seasonal Release (Fall).

12 fl. oz (x6) / $12.00 / 6.8% ABV

About: "Roadsmary’s Baby is a traditional pumpkin ale with a Two Roads spin, it's aged in rum barrels for added complexity and depth of flavor. The result is a smooth drinking ale with notes of pumpkin, spices, vanilla, oak and a touch of rum."

Thoughts: This beer smells pretty damn good. Consider me impressed. For being aged in rum barrels with vanilla beans, that portion of it isn't as strong as I would have hoped, but nonetheless it brings out a beautiful characteristic in this one. It's not on par with the sugar-loaded Pumking, but man does this one really smell like freshly baked pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top and a scoop of french vanilla ice cream on the side. It's good stuff man. You can tell while taking long whiffs that there's an underlying bitterness here, but up front it's sweet, spiced and indulgent.

Loaded with clean and complimentary malts to those pumpkin spices, Roadsmary's Baby comes off fresh and fun. Though while a fun beer, it's not horribly exciting. It's got a tingle to it both from carbonation and spices, a real low level remnants of rum in the background, and a nice flow of vanilla that runs through after each gulp. I'm just going to go ahead and say that it's the vanilla beans that really make this one. All the components are of course brought together gloriously here, from the raw slightly sweet pumpkin to the choice of ingredients and then the aging. I do wonder how long this was aged however, since it's not all that strong.

While incredibly smooth and great tasting, this is just a tad uneventful. It's a bit monotonous. I guess that's not really a bad thing considering how nice this beer is, so just consider that a minor complaint. This beer is actually like a version of Rumpkin, you know, if it were a baby. The evil shit that this could turn into if it were amped up with booze. Overall this is a very approachable barrel aged pumpkin beer that even people who aren't fans of barrel aged or pumpkin beers would probably like, but I don't think there are people like that who exist in the world.

Magic Hat Wilhelm Scream Pumpkin Ale

Magic Hat Wilhelm SCREAM Pumpkin Ale (2014)

Limited Release (Fall).

12 fl. oz. (x6) / $8.99 USD / 5.4% ABV

About: "The distant drums of change are thumping, signaling the coming of chilling frosts, falling leaves and ghoulish screams. In a patch ripe with orange glow, Wilhelm Scream awakens and unleashes his season-stirring call for fall. His revelers listen for his echo across the ripened dancing days and prepare their seasonal celebration of harvest and ale. Malts: Pale, Victory, Caramel 80L, Caramel 120L / Hops: Apollo, Nugget / Additives: Pumpkin, Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Allspice."

Thoughts: Well this one is a contender for the clearest fucking pumpkin beer I've ever seen. So clear in fact, clearer than most lagers actually, that it makes me wonder just what if any pumpkin was used in the making of this. Probably filtered about ten times before bottling right? It's a deep orange, really nice color actually, with a yellowed head on top that turned to nothin' real quick as carbonation fell flat.

It smells sweet and sugary, so that's a good sign I suppose. It's actually got a nice scent, sweet with a good spice kick to it. Nearly smells like a cold store bought pumpkin pie, which is actually more than you can say about some other pumpkin beers... but alas, this smells a bit synthetic and the sugary tones are kind of weird.

Hmm. Wilhelm Scream isn't horrible tasting by any means... it's sweet but not too sweet, gently spiced, got the slightest bit of bitterness, and overall is pleasant for the first few bottles. The beer itself is too weak to actually enjoy in the long run, since it just become so monotinous and bloating after a while. It tastes good all the way through, but there's just something seemingly fake about it. Though it's somewhat closer to a pumpkin pie-type beer than a raw fleshy pumpkin beer, there's nothing interesting about it after the first bottle. Total hit it and quit it. I needed beer tonight so I bought a six pack just to try, but really I wanted to buy a single and then drink something else. I had a feeling this was going to be a weak offering.

Still, it's not that bad. The residual aftertaste and feeling are a bit "icky", and that's the big problem, but besides that it's smooth, tastes ok, there's nothing off-putting while drinking it and it's even got a decent balance. There's a little bit of a smokiness on the back end of things that kind of brings out some sort of vanilla type note. If this were 8% and had I just huffed a canister of whipped cream while taking a cinnamon challenge I'd probably love it... but the way things are right now, I'm neither pleased nor disappointed. For a synthetic tasting pumpkin ale (whether it is or not), it's utterly non-offensive and enjoyable. Just drink 'em fast.

New Holland Ichabod Pumpkin Ale

New Holland Ichabod Pumpkin Ale (2014)

Brewed and Bottled by New Holland Brewing in Holland, Michigan, USA.

Seasonal Release / 12 fl. oz. (x6) / $10.99 USD / 5.2% ABV

About: "Ichabod combines malted barley and real pumpkin with cinnamon and nutmeg in a delicious and inviting brew. After dinner, try it with your favorite dessert. Malts: 2 row, crystal / Hops: Cascade / Yeast: American Ale / Pairings: Roasted poultry, root vegetables, peanut sauce and caraway."

Thoughts: Ichabod poured a muddy blood orange color, kinda like an auburn brown. It's cloudy but not grainy, little to no carbonation with a soft white head that diminished quickly, leaving foam clinging to the glass.

Smells like boiled pumpkin for the most part. Not too heavy on the spices. It's probably never going to be mistaken for anything other than a pumpkin ale, but a really sweet smelling one it is not. This is one of those earthy and raw organic smelling brews. There's cinnamon and nutmeg present, so there's that I guess.

The smell is actually a bit more like pumpkin pie than the taste is though. This is pretty bittersweet, but it's not bad at all. The spices come through heavy and it all makes sense when you drink it. Tastes natural and is actually pleasant, but could it use some sugar or vanilla or some more pumpkin spice? You bet your ass it could. I'm not really into those mass-produced synthetic pumpkin beers, and while I do like this version of pumpkin ales, the ones like this really leave me wanting that extra sugar kick on the end. Because really, a beer like this with some more of that traditional pumpkin pie flavor couldn't really hurt. This one is good but the last of the 6 is really taxing me here.

Tons of gourd and gentle sweetness here. It's enjoyable and fun. In fact, I didn't get tired of it the whole way through. Only I wished it was a bit more over the top. Though I didn't mind how it is.

Dogfish Head Kvasir and Birra Etrusca

Dogfish Head Kvasir (2013)

Occasional Rarity (Limited Release).

25.4 fl. oz. / $9.99 USD / 10% ABV

About: "With the help of biomolecular archaeologist Dr. Patrick McGovern, we've re‐created another Ancient Ale, this time from the Nordic climes of Scandinavia. The recipe for Kvasir was developed with the help of chemical, botanical and pollen evidence taken from a 3,500‐year‐old Danish drinking vessel. The vessel, made of birch bark, was found in the tomb of a leather‐clad woman Dr. Pat says was probably an upper-class dancer or priestess. The analysis pointed to the ingredients used in this unique brew: wheat, lingonberries, cranberries, myrica gale, yarrow, honey and birch syrup.

The base of Kvasir is a toasty red winter wheat, and the bog-grown berries deliver a pungent tartness. While a handful of hops is used, the earthy, bitter counterpunch to the sweet honey and birch syrup comes from the herbs. Food Pairing Recommendations: Sweet-­‐and-­‐sour pork, beef tacos with pickled vegetables, smoked salmon, root vegetables, fresh gingerbread / Glassware Recommendation: Snifter / Wine Comparable: Pressac."

Thoughts: Kvasir poured a vivid orange-red with a thick frothy eggshell white head on top. The beer is incredibly clear, and carbonation is abundant.

Smells like a spiced, alcoholic fruit punch. There's a lot of cranberry all over this, and tons of honey as well. The birch and herbs are what really make this one rather intriguing. It's really sweet smelling, and the spices make it as if it's some exotic herbal candy. I actually really like it.

The first sip of this gives off such a light cranberry juice quality that's it's hard to believe that this is a 10% beer. Then suddenly a rush of bewildering booze flows in that is just strong enough to for you to say "oh there it is" and yet not too strong as to turn you off. This beer is very herbal, very spiced and luckily, not overbearing in the sweetness department. It's not an easy one to describe, since the herbs they used here I had to look up and that birch syrup is masking them a bit. The herbs still come through strong though, but pinpointing just exactly how they taste is proving to be rather difficult. Nonetheless, those two aspects of the beer itself blend together quite nicely. I used to drink birch beer all the time after I first tried it a couple of years back, I never thought that it would go this well with cranberry, but it does, and that's a good thing since this one reeks of cranberry though and through.

I like this beer, though it may be a bit too sweet for me. It doesn't exactly taste anything like a beer though, more like a mead mixed with juice, though that's not a problem for me. I like juice, mead and beer so whatever. Mouth feel is a bit frothy. It's got a soft tartness that you only start to notice as the beer warms towards the second half of the bottle. The bitterness isn't exactly anything I would describe as more than noticeable, as it itself drowns in herbs. You may get a slight puckering affect, but overall it's really fucking sweet and juice-like. If you can get this for 10$ or under I say go for it. I've seen some places trying to sell it for 12-14$ and in my book that's no good. I enjoyed this beer, but it's a bit too sweet for me and while really layered, not complex enough to cut through the sweetness that's represented here.

Dogfish Head BIRRA ETRUSCA Bronze (2012) 

Occasional Rarity (Limited Release).

25.4 fl. oz. / $10.59 USD / 8.5% ABV

About: "To develop the recipe for Birra Etrusca Bronze, Dogfish Head's Sam Calagione traveled to Rome with molecular archaeologist Dr. Pat McGovern. With the help of Birreria Brother Brewers Leo DeVencenzo of Birra del Borgo and Teo Musso of Baladin, they analyzed drinking vessels found in 2,800-year-old Etruscan tombs. The backbone of Birra Etrusca comes from two-row malted barley and an heirloom Italian wheat. Specialty ingredients include hazelnut flour, pomegranates, Italian chestnut honey, Delaware wildflower honey and clover honey. A handful of whole-flower hops are added, but the bulk of the bitterness comes from gentian root and the sarsaparilla-like Ethiopian myrrh resin.

Food Pairing Recommendations: Spiced pickles, marinated olives, hearty beer bolognaise / Wine Comparable: Malbec."

Thoughts: Wow. The head on this thing dissipated fast as fuck. I poured it, went for the camera, and it was just fucking full and then gone. Color is a dirty orange, and slightly cloudy. I see a fair abundance of carbonation rising despite what just happened. And then there's that cyclopean bubble gleaming freakishly in the light.

This smells sweet and just a little bit herbal. It's like a wine actually. Grapes are evident here. Actually, it rather reminds me of a mead once again. I've only had a few of those so far but this one really fits that description.

Well, this is some crazy tasting shit right here now innit? It's extremely herbal tasting, fully. It hits hard and instantly before swirling in a circular motion inside the mouth. Damn that sounds dirty. This beer tastes kinda dirty actually... it's malty, sweet and tart. There's a good blend of sweet and tart here and it's really balanced well. It's a pretty strong beer. There's a thick amount of haze that really lays in and spreads throughout the face. There's honey dripping all over my mouth. Spicy honey. Nicely done DFH.

The feel is a little drying, as if it's almost astringent like. That's fitting.  I like this beer a lot. It's out of its fucking mind, and that's a beautiful thing. Dogfish always intrigue me with their ancient ales, and I hope they keep searching for more to do. Trying all of them in a back to back tasting would be absolutely incredible now that I think about it. Someone better get on that, or I may just have to do it myself.

Horrific.

Better watch out motherfucker when I'm speaking in tongues

Coughing up split pea soup from the bottom of my lungs

You don't know me yet but just call me the Sexorcist

Crack a bottle of Viper because tonight I'm gettin' extra pissed

I need that neon green shot so I can feel Re-animated

When I said I come From Beyond that shit wasn't exaggerated

Like a force of nature stalking through the woods

Chopping up young sluts while they're givin' up the goods

But don't let my words fool ya I still like slaughtering virgins

And if she ain't that tight I'll stitch that shit up like a surgeon

Just call me Dr. Giggles when I'm laughing all fiendish

Off that Blue Sunshine mixed in with Olde English

Fucking batshit crazy and that's From Dusk Till Dawn

I slap a bladed glove on when I see a bitch yawn

And it may be Friday the 14th but I don't give a fuck
I'm out with a machete and spear-gun running amok
On the Terror Train stalking wearing multiple masks
Getting utterly fucked up drinking eight different flasks
You can Scream all you want but this ain't no Scary Movie
Your ass is dead in the dirt even without seeing boobies
There's no rules to this shit I don't need a motive to kill
I'll wear your pretty skin on my face just cuz I like the feel
So watch out for this Resident because I'm Evil as hell
I'll keep your body in the cellar just to enjoy the smell
Inducing those Frightmares when I pull out my Tingler

Now I got this sweet girl squirtin' red like a sprinkler

-E

Fallen Angel.

I will never let you fall. I'll stand up with you forever.

I'll be there for you through it all. Even if saving you sends me to hell heaven.

-Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Conversation.

How in the hell did we ever let this happen? *sigh* Ha. Why do I even say we? I did my part. I was competent. I was engorged. I was pulsating and filled to the fucking brim with a blood rage. Hell, I was strong when you were weak. I was hard when you were soft. I was established when you were off wandering the motherfucking cosmos!" ... HEY!!1 Are you listening to me Fuckface!? Bitch all to hell, I am angry as fuck right now more than you can ever imagine, because you never ever listen! Just take a look at yourself. Stand back and look in that shattered reflection of yours in the broken glass there. See what you have become!? When you finally come to your senses, or to me rather, you’ll wonder why you didn't follow the truth in the first place. So, you feel like talking yet?

You never let it go this far before. Why now? What’s next, huh, domesticated? You going to start wearing white socks and striped shirts? Why not stop wearing socks altogether and go with sandals? How about you take it a step further and start pissing while sitting down!? I’m really disgusted right now man, and you know what else, I’m also starting to get really pissed off! ... You may not have noticed, but as you’re strolling hand and hand with that pretty girl you got there, there are a lot of potential sexual victims walking by and giving you of all people the 'come kill me' look! They're just begging to be terrorized... invaded... wrecked... utterly and endlessly destroyed. You, motherfucker, are missing out and making me suffer because of it! Come on, let’s do some damage. When are you going to turn this all around and finally impress me for once in our miserable lives?

Yeah, yeah… you love her. *pukes* I get it. Keep telling yourself that. Just keep denying who the hell you are. And while you do that, try to forget just who the hell I am. In case you don’t know, I am you as you are me as we are all in this bullshit together! See how you slouch sitting down on the couch see how you… Ok. Not that Beatles shit again. You, my friend, need to come up with some new material. It’s no wonder that I don’t ever listen to what you have to say anymore. Between the Magical Mystery Tour and Strange Days I don’t know where you begin or what! Now you have something to say? It’s so easy with you, you know that. Just lay down some distorted lyrical deception and that’s all it takes. See, I know you. Because I am you. Which brings me, to my next question: When are we going to finally kill some of the goddamn whores!?

Whores? Take a look around and tell me what you see. On the left, a whore. On the right, another. And on your arm Now we should just watch our fuckin' mouths there shouldn't we? You don't, nor could you ever have any clue, as to what I’m feeling now. You may have thought that it was just something of an experiment, but it’s more than that... you dumb son of a fuck! How in the hell could you deceive yourself like that? Look at her!! Yeah, so she’s cute. And when she cums, she makes the sweetest faces we've ever seen. And when she walks, she shakes her fat little ass like no other. And when she touches us… when she kisses us… When we fuck her? Fuck her? I never have. I’ve only made love to this sweet princess. Liar! Now why would I lie to you?

Who knows why anymore! To piss me off? You’re probably trying to make me crazy. Playing games. I know enough about all this to not even deal with you anymore, so why don’t you just give up. Sorry but I still believe in you… in us! What do you believe? Well, for one... hey you remember that last girl? Yeah. I remember her. She was so pretty. Do you believe that she was the last? She was. She is. I’m happy now with this one. Let’s just try it for a while and see what happens. You never know... Oh, I know. YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW! Okay, okay… let’s just calm the fuck down shall we.

In case you haven’t noticed you’re squeezing this girl's hand with enough pressure to bust both of our heads in half. Shit. Apologize. No way. Come on pussy, let’s buy her something. You know you want to. Fuck You. Perfume? A new jacket? A Vibrator, perhaps? You know as much as I do that those things are too much for her. So we say, so we say. So she says. And so we listen. Why not? Perhaps you should try to listen to her once in a while and see. See what? That you can be okay without a vibrator up your ass too! Oh shit. I forgot how much of a witty bastard you were. You forget a lot of things actually. You want to go to war and see how much in control I really am? Not really. Ah. Because you see… it’s not like that anymore. This isn’t about control.

No, it’s about love. What has your brain gone? Let’s worry about it some shall we? Love is nothing but control that's become segregated. You have been duped into the ultimate submission. There is no escape for you now, and as much as I try each hour of every day it seems as if there is no way to reverse this problematic situation. Don’t you understand, or can you not realize that this is my problem to deal with now? Nobody can help me, not with shallow words, not with anything. Like I've said again and again, there is no temporary solution, permanence is the key. I’m the one that needs to come to work with this and find my own way to cope with how things have turned out. You know who you sound like right now? Maybe I've been watching too many of those infomercials at three in the morning.

Yeah, but who knows, with all the shit you've been talking lately, perhaps some of that turbo colon cleanser would do you a bit of good. No thanks. I’d much rather just stick to that groovy Flower Power CD collection that has been showing up at the door every three weeks anyways. You know I just can’t get enough of the Mamas and the Papas. I’m telling you man, compilations are where it's at. And not just concerning an array of different bands brought together for a mesmerizing listening experience, no, but when it comes to a single band itself also. Take for instance, Essential Rarities from The Doors. Can you honestly tell me that there is a more perfect disc out there? Hell, Who Scared You is running through my head as we speak. I love that song. Wow, and all this time I thought you weren't capable of feeling. Alright, now that we see eye to eye once again... are you on knife duty or ropes this time around?