November 25, 2011

Mummy Raider (2002)

Mummy Raider (2002)
Starring: Misty Mundae, Darian Caine and Ruby Larocca. Directed by: Brian Paulin.

Misty Mundae stars in a film about, well... a Nazi bitch (Ruby Larocca) hellbent (that's way too strong of a word, curious is more like it) on taking over the world. To bring forth the Fourth Reich (wink), she'll need some Mummy bits (let's just say the dusty, bandaged wang of Egypt's knowledge) for some reason or another to wreak unspeakable um, evil. So she (zee Nazi slut, that is) kidnaps a chick (Darian Caine) and makes out with her in front of her tied up, researcher father in order to uh, revive the Mummy. Meanwhile, Misty (dressed identical to video game heroine Lara Croft, with pigtails, naturally) bursts into a warehouse, guns blazing, gets naked (Aw yeah) and blows... away Nazi cunt's henchmen goons with Uzis! Left with only one option to sway the Nazi harlot from her mischievous ways, the three girls engage in hot, (softcore) lesbian sex (what did you expect?) 

This movie left my cock stiff and dry like King Tut in his sarcophagus. That shot of Misty topless, arms spread and shootin' off Uzis was so damn good that they only ended up using it in the movie forty goddamn times. "Ok, now let's see it in slow mo.... thrice. Goooood." Now hit the credits and roll the movie. It was an awesome shot, sure.. but I mean, it didn't have to be padding. Isn't the horrifically long softcore lesbo sex padding enough? Wait a minute, what the hell am I complaining about? Honestly, I have no complaints about Mummy Raider. It's the feelbad movie of the... well, the last forty five minutes actually. Because that's just about how long the flick is. Let's check the stats: A two minute credit intro featuring the most popular shots from the film we've yet to see, thirteen minutes of sexy interrogation, eight minutes of blasting action (not that kind, yet!), seventeen minutes of blasting action (yeah, that kind), and a five minute end-credit sequence with sexy slow-motion flashbacks.

Something like that. Personally, I think Paulin got really lucky with this script he was given here (I don't actually mean the three page script, but rather the idea and whole Tomb Raider rip - It's one of their better ideas and he got the three best girls to boot). At first, after reading it he said "What the hell am I going to do with this?", which is a completely honest reaction. If you check out some of the words from Gregory Lamberson, you'll notice his obvious discomfort from the thought of getting stuck directing softcore films of these nature. And it's hard to disagree, though I actually do enjoy a lot of E.I. films (bad as they are, which is just what keeps bringing me back). I say Paulin got the best material and premise to work with in his first non-original film: Misty Mundae doing the Tomb Raider thing! And did I mention bravo on that slow motion topless shot? Whatever he decided to do with the film, he did it right. Keeping the run time lower than usual, he shot the film fast, efficient and well. And after all the cheesy lines are laid down, I'm proud to own it!

Misty Mundae (Sinful, Sick Girl, Bite Me!) is obviously the star of the show. She's got a young, natural beauty, a cute face with a warm, inviting smile and a cool attitude. Plus, seeing her in Nude Raider uniform is pretty much a pervert nerd's dream cum true. Ruby Larocca (Bone Sickness, Flesh For The Beast, Satan's School For Sluts) has always enthralled me as well. Aside from Misty, she's my other favorite of the E.I. Girls and has always kept me captivated whenever she's on screen. In this film she really hams it up and puts on one of the cheesiest German accents ever done. It's great. Darian Caine (Mistress Frankenstein, Lust For Dracula) also fares well as the damsel in distress, but let's face it, out of the three she's got the most total porn star look of them all. And it's hard for her to play so innocent when she's a secret naughty lesbo.

Director Brian Paulin (At Dawn They Sleep, Bone Sickness, Fetus) likes including a hefty amount of bonus materials on his DVDs. All of his films on DVD have commentaries, except for Mummy Raider, which is too bad. But Raider contains behind the scenes shots of Paulin directing Mundae, Darian Caine and Larocca. If you look close enough, you can see him giggling with glee. The lucky bastard! After he quietly says the word "Action", Mundae proceeds to slowly disrobe Caine and make out with her. "Sooo, after these come down should we go ahead and have sex?" Mundae asks. Yes yes yes. The behind the scenes featurette is really a great bonus, as are the outtakes and the Misty interview. The lady is adorable. I also like seeing Brian Paulin and his friend Rich George making their films. They're a great duo who have accomplished a cool series of interesting, incredibly violent, downright nasty, ultra low-budget horror films (expect reviews soon).

Mummy Raider, though padded out with an unnecessarily long softcore lesbian sex scene, still retains the charm of their other films. And yes, I count incredibly bad acting as charm! I like movies that many might consider "cheesy" or "bad". I've got a soft spot for the films of Misty Mundae. She's a remarkable young lady who happens to be incredibly beautiful and totally gets naked and makes out with other chicks all the time! I guess you could say that my soft spot is rather... a hard spot, after all. Har har. I've also got a certain fondness for Brian Paulin's films. He's passionate and ambitions, a true horror kid at heart, and sports some gnarly bangs. Visit his site at Morbid Vision Films.

Mummy Raider doesn't pretend to be something it's not. It's got a lot of the same, standard elements of Alternative Cinema's other films, except this time with a touch of low-budget class! If you're a fan of Misty Mundae, Ruby Larocca, director Brian Paulin, Independent Film, Softcore Lesbian flicks, Low-budget Cheese, or Lara Croft, then I can't really see any reason not to own this. Notes: This DVD currently is Out Of Print. A version of this film with scenes from William Hellfire's "Lust In The Mummy's Tomb" spliced into it, and labeled as the "European Cut", is currently available in "Misty Mundae: The Euro-Vixen 3-Disc Collection". I have not seen that version and thus cannot recommend it. As for the original version of the film? I say what the hell, you deserve to treat yourself to a guilty pleasure once in a while.

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