Olivia Munn wonders why she's in Magic Mike (2012)

I know why Channing Tatum is starring in it, because Steven Soderbergh has got his dick on hard for the guy naturally, that's why. But Olivia Munn, why are you in this relatively small, thankless and underutilized role? I guess SS has a thing for girls like you (Andie MacDowell, Sasha Grey, Gina Carano) and who can blame him really? Certainly I can't. All four of you are total babes. Well... I suppose it's not your fault that the script for this movie sucked ass or that everyone only got one take to do their lines. At least you're on the radar right? Even that blink-or-you'll-miss it role in Iron Man 2 garnered your name all sorts of attention in the news (mostly on the internet). Anyways, I was driving to work one morning and heard on the radio that you had "one of the top 10 nude scenes of 2012 in Magic Mike". Honestly, I can't even recall the other 9 lady's names. All I heard was "Olivia Munn" and "topless". And now, here I am, typing these words as if I'm speaking directly to you and you're out there reading them (I hope you are, by the way). ;)

I most likely was never ever going to watch the movie Magic Mike. I saw the trailers, I heard the buzz (actually from a forty-something year old woman and her friends in the cinema during previews one day talking about drooling all over Tatum's sweet little asscheeks - what a splendid conversation to be within hearing range of let me tell you - but hell, at least they're not talking about molesting Taylor Lautner anymore) and seeing as this is a movie about male strippers, it didn't really appeal to me all that much. For the next few weeks, I passed over this one at least a dozen times at the Redbox, each time stopping for a single moment and imagining Olivia Munn's supple boobs. Yet I still had no intention of even renting it. Then there came the day where I was bored as shit (I had already seen everything else) and decided, ah what the hell, maybe it'll be funny at least. It kind of looks like a funny movie.

But it wasn't funny! It was a really depressing movie with some really awkward performances and ended up being a total snooze fest. And on top of that, I think Olivia may have given Channing crabs. Magic Mike is totally not what you'll expect it to be if you know nothing about it and are going into it for the first time. Hell, they should have named the movie "Magic Mike's Life Totally Sucks Balls." If you consider having threesomes with Olivia Munn and some blonde who's name you've forgotten to totally suck balls that is. But aside from getting laid casually and driving a nice SUV, Mike's life isn't so much magic... but more like empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. Just like all the other pathetic characters in this movie, everything is one sad day after another and life is fucking shit! Shit I say. I guess the lesson is that nothing is really ever going to go your way unless you learn to cope and don't let the facade of a "glamorous" life fool you into unknowingly dying inside. Or something. 

I don't know. The movie didn't really have a direction to it, which I guess makes a lot of fucking sense since the characters have no direction in their lives whatsoever. Sure, Mike tried to get his dream of becoming a hip cutting edge furniture designer off the ground, but life had its way with him and cock slapped him down once again, shattering his dreams. Magic Mike is essentially a movie about drifting through life and doing what most everyone else on this earth will do, and that's becoming nothing, amounting to nothing, and (if you're self-reflective enough) realizing that existence is utterly and hopelessly worthless. So you better make the best of it while you can by having a lot of sex with random strangers, preferably two at a time. Because other than that (and even that doesn't amount to all that much as far as I'm concerned), you're Nuthin'!!

Olivia Munn's "so-called" #1 Best Topless Scene of 2012 wasn't all that great either. The lighting was extremely poor, the focus was hazy, the shots were pretty bad, it was too realistic and it happened far too quickly. Maybe I'm just a jaded guy. But you know, if she showed up dressed as Princess Leia or Chun-Li with those titties out it would have been the greatest thing evur. Expectations... meet Reality. I guess it's a case of art imitating life or life imitating art, but just like Magic Mike, I'm going to have to take what I can get and accept it. Who am I after all to complain about a beautiful woman like Olivia showing off her sweet teets. Time for drinks boyzzzz.