5 Things that Suck about Demons 2 (1986)

Demons 2 may not be as cool as I'm making it seem of late... at least, that's the word not going around. I keep hearing them say that the sequel is so inferior, that they fear a remake of the original will be done starring the cast of Twilight, or even worse, with Megan Fox!? Gasp! Me? Personally, I'd welcome that shit with arms wide open! I may not have a limit, but I know what bad stuff is. See below for a few examples:

1. The Demon Puppet!?

Yes, that is an actual screenshot from the film.

Don't get me wrong, it's entertaining as all hell, and funny too... but what the fuck man!? Hey, look, I like this little dude, OK? It's a shitty, winged mini-demon puppet on some super obvious strings. It jumps around, slowly peeks out from hiding spots, giggles in a high pitched tone, chases a super hot pregnant chick around her apartment and generally goes nuts. It's pretty funny when you think about it. After all, that's something that I would do. Besides, actress Nancy Brilli is so incredibly hot in this that it really helps get through the scene... at least for me.

But you know what? And you're probably going to notice a common theme here: This totally sucks compared to the original film! Everything in this movie pretty much just fucking pales in comparison to the first Demons. In the original, a Demon birthed itself out of that bitch's back (which is weird in itself), and it was pretty big (which is even weirder), but in this film the little kid turned Demon just lays down and wiggles around while making screeching sounds and then this stupid puppet pops out, making goofy faces and squealing.

The scene is actually really fun (though a bit drawn out) because of all of the horrid neon lights that these two have decorated their apartment with. It's like a bar, but not. It's very, very 80's and they go total psychedelic on the viewer while this little fucker rampages his way through her laundry baskets and fold-up bed. Eventually this little annoying fuck is stabbed to death with a black umbrella. As I hate continuous, high-pitched noises, his death was quite welcome. Yet, as I love Demonic creatures controlled on strings, I feel a sadness that he never got to infect anyone.

2. Jacob Driving.

Interrupting the Demon action in the first film with punks driving around was bad enough for some people out there, but at least those scenes were entertaining. (You got to see cocaine gently scraped off a girl's sweet titty with a razor blade!) The second film's version of these filler scenes however, are downright irritating.

These scenes of Jacob driving that keep interrupting the film are just BORING and that's the biggest crime of all  - especially in a horror film. In the original Demons film, you don't for a single second get bored with watching the punks in the car driving around and finally making their way to the theater. Coke is sniffed. Titties are cut with burning (snowing?) passion. And there's some really laugh out loud funny dialogue.

Date Rapist gonna Date Rape!

But here in Demons 2, nothing happens man! They just fucking crash the car and that's it. We watched this date rapist and his goons, plus one scared bitch, drive their way to a party they never got to, just to eat cake and terrorize, which they didn't get to, and all they did was crash... and not even DIE!? The fuck is that shit!

3. The Shmucktoberfest Scenes.

Listen, I like getting smashed and gobbling down bratwurst as much as the next guy, and... wait, that didn't sound right. Uhhh... Amidst all of the brutal Demonic violence in Demons 2, we're "treated" to inter-cut scenes of Sally's "parents" out about the town at some food festival where people are singing, dancing and eating bratwurst... all to the tune of beautiful brutalful accordions, and of course the clunky sounds of a drunkard's vomit hitting the cobblestone roadway. How lovely. In another lucky turn of events, we get a few more "parents in peril" scenes from the mother and father of that kid who likes answering the phone all the time. Unless it's them calling that is.

It's bad enough that we once again get pointless teen-driving scenes that distract from the action, but now we've gotta watch this shit!? Lamberto Bava and his lady are no actors that's for sure, but at least they got some decent dubbing. Yeah, almost as good as the rest in the film. To make matters even worse, the print source for all these out-and-about (2n'd Unit Director Nephew?) scenes are all tore to shit. The picture is bouncy as all hell, blurry, and just completely fucked. Let's spread it out throughout the last half. I can understand them leaving Sally alone for the night since it's her birthday, but the little dude's parents!? They just went out for a good time and said "let the fuckin' TV take care of him".

Their scenes while out on a "date" are completely pointless too. Don't worry though, they left the drunk ass bitch next door as a back-up checker-upper. What? Her Demon Dog ate her like taters, remember, so she ain't answering the phone neither. But enough about those Supersexy Swingin' Rubes! Sally's parents are so worried about their obviously suicidal daughter, that they eventually rush home (her father wasn't too fond of having to leave for the party just to "eat like a dog" and "drink beer" - wth?) and end up crashing in a near head-on collision with some young punks who's driver has "never had an accident." Or was that the parents of the little Demon kid? Ah fuck it, either way it's the same shit.

Relax Bitch! He's NEVER had an accident.
Don't you watch Twilight!?

Nothing is going to happen.

4. High Rise Buildings Aren't as cool as Theaters.

Face it. The cinema rocks... from independent Midnight Movie one screeners to the huge deluxe Multiplexes with two floors and escalators. There's just something about going there that brings back "warm" feelings and good memories. In the original film we're watching a movie where other people are at the movies watching a movie, which is pretty neat. In the sequel however, everyone is at home doing whatever they usually do (eating dinner with the family, getting sloshed with the doggy or boning your favorite prostitute) and they're watching some shitty program on television. Not as cool.

WOW! That's like... totally not boring or anything.

When all hell breaks loose in the Cinema, we've got things like projection booths, bloody isle seating and cool posters in the background. In the High Rise we get awesome scenes in elevator shafts, a weight room and some nifty shots up against some quadruple pane windows. Wow! To me, really there's no comparison, as the atmosphere of the theater in the first film totally beats out this boring ass apartment building. Also, there's all sorts of neon 80's headband shit going on with these oiled up buff dudes and toned chicks working out and it's pretty damn cheesy. In the original there's a prop in the cinema's lobby with a samurai on a dirt bike holding a silver mask from hell!

Sure, doors mysteriously lock, the windows are are bazooka-proof and when everything shuts down there's that familiar claustrophobic vibe to it all... but the aura of the Metropol isn't there. This building has no character. Look at it! It's just reflective windows shaped like a box. I understand a new setting was needed to keep this from becoming a straight-up remake, and they did get some cool shots of obvious dummies being dropped from high places, so I guess you could just consider this one me nitpicking. And what's with all the rock climbing gear in this? The guy in the TV had it and our hero's got some stuff as well.

5. I Liked Them Better before...

Hey, check it out guys!! That's the dude who was the badass pimp (with a heart of gold) in the first movie, and that other guy is the dude who was the junkie leader of the punks! He snorted cocaine out of a Coca-Cola can and the pimp dude was the shit man... he took switchblades to Demons and took control of the whole situation like a muthafuckin pro. But wait, where are his hoes? His pimp gear? Why's he wearing an orange tanktop and telling these sweaty buff dudes in a gym to "keep pumpin' baby... keep pumpin'!"? What the fuck? He should be yelling that at his bitches. And why in the hell is that coked-out madman a security guard in this building all of a sudden? Has he reformed? He just told those kids fucking around in the elevator to "Cut it out! This is a respectable building!!" That doesn't seem like something he would do. What's going on here?!

Yeah. It's great seeing these two guys back (and even the girl in the TV taking photos - she was Edith the slut in the tent in the original film within a film - talk about typecasting!), but it's not the same, man. I was rooting for these two crazy sum-bitches in the first movie, but here... here I'd just like to see one get his face clawed and the other get his balls ripped off by a Demon!

Hey, whattayaknow! ;) Looks like things worked out for everyone. But seriously, what a bitch ass way for the Pimp, er, Bodybuilding Instructor to go out. Still it is pretty cool that both of these dudes came back and did parts in the sequel though. Bobby Rhodes pretty much does exactly what he did the last time this shit went down and ended up pumping the people up (and not just physically) to stand and fight the Demons. Which is pretty badass (and you can see the thrill of it in his eyes when he unloads a shotgun in the chest of one of those fuckers), but death is inevitable.

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)

Twilight 5 - Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (2012)
[Rated PG-13: for sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity]

Breaking Dawn Part 2 starts off very quietly with Bella in a room looking at herself in a mirror. She looks fabulous! Edward slowly walks and they softly touch each other  hold hands and kiss. They tell one another "I love you", then Edward smiles and tells her "We're the same temperature now." Awww. Hey, you think she practiced with a Popsicle before they finally had sex? After staring at herself and her husband for a while, Bella remembers that she just had a baby. "Renesmee, where is she? I have to see her!" Edward says that Bella can't see her until she feeds, so they go out and do some vampire stuff. When they come back, Jacob is waiting (with a shirt on for once) and he slowly lets her sniff him to get acquainted with hopefully not wanting to eat him I suppose? Through a series of unspoken nods, Edward and Jacob decide it's safe for Bella to see her own child. And here we're introduced to the most beautiful, creepiest looking motion-capture CGI baby version of an eleven year old actress you'll ever witness in your entire life. 

At this time Bella is unaware that Jacob has imprinted on her newborn baby Renesmee, something which ultimately means that he'll be having sex with her for the rest of their lives by the time she's seven years old (which is supposedly 16-18 in Dhampir years?) Everyone else knows this however, (and through a series of unspoken nods) they try for about a minute to keep things quiet after Bella awakens from her deathly slumber. But treating her as a stupid little girl doesn't seem to work any longer as she's now got golden red eyes and no pulse. She wants to know why Jacob gives such a shit about her baby and nobody getting eaten in her newborn state, and why he's being so clingy not all of a sudden. So Edward and Jacob agree to tell her (through a series of unspoken nods) that he has indeed made an "uncontrollable" wolf-clan mind-meld with one-day-old Renesmee and that their souls will forever be forced together (something Jacob always wanted to do with first and only other love Bella but couldn't, since she is a "Shield").

Bella becomes understandably pissed off and beats the shit out of him for this, shouting things like "I haven't even held her in my arms and you've taken her from me!" and the utterly fantastic "YOU NICKNAMED MY BABY AFTER THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!!?" upon hearing him refer to her as "Nesse". He's like, "Bella, It's not what it looks like! You've gotta understand, I know she's just a baby but we're getting married." Or some shit like that, and it's great, because it IS what it looks like. I can't believe they're trying to sugarcoat this... I mean, I'm sure they'll wait until the time is right. By this time Jacob is in Edward and Bella's lives forever, and no matter how pissed off Bella originally was about this, Jacob even starts living at the Cullen's house. Which is pretty fucking bizarre considering how everything started out. But by now with these films and how ridiculous they've become over time with the sequels, nothing like this should be a surprise by now. They're all one big fucked up, not-really-happy but gloomy and forlorn family.

So I guess the plot of the story is that vampire Irina (the immaculate Maggie Grace) witnesses the young girl Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy) floating through the air collecting snowflakes for Bella and Jacob. She stares at them for a while in shock and disgust, before running off to Italy to tell the Volturi that the Cullens have created a vampire child - something strictly forbidden and a crime punishable by death! Of course, Renesmee is actually only half-vampire (which for whatever reason isn't that bad?), so the Cullen clan goes around the world searching for other vampires to be witnesses to this, in hopes that nobody will die. SPOILERS: Everyone dies! I guess in the books nothing really happens at the end... that's what I heard. The Volturi show up and it's all drama, they're all about to kill everyone, but are convinced not to because the girl is half human, and they all live happily ever after. The filmmakers here added a little bit of action to the finale here, and man, did it make for one hell of a cinematic experience!

If you're going to ever watch this film, the absolute best time to do so would be right now in the Cinema with tons of unsuspecting fangirls of all ages. Why? Because you're going to want to be there to experience the reactions when their beloved characters are crushed to death and gets their heads ripped off. When the time for the big standoff comes, shit gets really intense (the music stops) and Aro (Michael Sheen) does his best impression of Nicholas Cage in Face/Off after snorting all those drugs. This fuckin' guy is nuts, so anything can happen here. After discovering that Renesmee isn't a true vampire child, Irena takes responsibility for her mistake and wasting their time... to which they then rip off her arms and head and light her on fire. Boo-yah! When the Volturi grab hold of Alice, she tells them that nothing she shows them will change their decision to fight and kill. And just when it seems that she's done for, father of the Cullen clan Carlisle runs to her aid.

As he runs towards the Volturi mob, Aro charges towards him and they both collide in mid-air. Aro lands crouching in the snow and Carlisle falls to the ground. As Aro rises up slowly, we see that he's holding Carlisle's severed head in his hand. Every single chick in the theater let out a super loud Gasp when this happened, and it was awesome. Even I was shocked admittedly. Who the hell would have expected that? Esme (Elisabeth Reaser), Carlisle's wife, lets out a horrified scream. Then both parties run towards the other and the bloodshed ensues. There was a buzzing throughout the room when the battle finally began. The screen was chaos with some fodder getting offed first, then Jane (Dakota Fanning) gets sight of Jasper (Jackson Rathbone). Bella tries to project her shielding abilities to protect him, but is ambushed by Jane's brother Alec (Cameron Bright). Without Bella's protection and outnumbered, Jane applies her "PAIN" spell on him. Jasper falls to his knees and the Volturi guard Demetri karate-chops his head clean off! 

At this point with Alice's boyfriend dead, the crowd starts to fucking lose it. I could hear "OMG"s everywhere, girls started breaking down and crying, and one chick just kept repeating the phrase "What is happening?! Are you serious?! What is happening?!" Wolf brother and sister Seth and Leah got it next. Jane then hit Seth the "PAIN" and a Volturi guard crushed his neck in about thirty places, dropping his drooling doggy corpse to the ground. Leah sacrificed herself to save Esme from being dragged down to hell and fell (in super sad slow motion with emphasis on crying wolf eyes) down into a lava pit. Nobody could sit still, people were thrashing around in their seats and I was waiting for someone to faint, but then the tides turned on the Volturi. Edward ripped off one of the guards heads with a twirly wrestling move. The blonde snobby Volturi guy got his face ripped in half lengthwise by some hot blonde vamp chicks, leaving his chin and tongue tangling as he fell to the ground. The older Volturi gentleman was torn to shreds after quietly whispering to himself "Finally" and allowing it to happen.

Emmett drops Alec on his back and kicks him in the throat, knocking him three feet into the soil. He then  rips his body from his head, by the feet(!), much to the dismay of Jane. As Aro and Jane begin to notice that things aren't going so well anymore, Alice makes a mad dash for Jane while under the protection of Bella. Jane for the first time in the series feels the fear, makes a face that looks like she's pissing herself, and starts to run away. The crowd goes nuts, laughing out loud and clapping. Alice grabs her by the throat, Jane shits bricks, and then Alice feeds her head first to big, black wolf Sam. Sam tears her head clean off and tosses it aside and the whole crowd cheers. Some people even stand up and scream. This was by far the loudest reaction during the whole movie. Man, people must have hated that bitch. With the whole theater in pandemonium, Bella and Edward double teamed Aro. Edward kicked him in the nuts and Bella jumped on his back and twisted his head off like a bottle cap. The place was in hysterics, when suddenly, as Bella was just about to light Aro's head on fire and we're staring into his fearful eyes, the scene cuts back to Alice holding Aro's hand. The sinister reveal that mind-fucked everyone in the audience, and left everyone talking till the end credits was tremendous. "They made me cry, those bastards!"

Even though the scene occurred as she was (or just after she was) showing him a vision, it was of course shown to us differently than the rest have been so far, and it was done seamlessly. Of course, this was done to trick the audience into as many emotions as possible and it totally worked. Some have said that this is a big "FU" to the people, or that the filmmakers were intentionally fucking with the rabid fans by pulling their heartstrings but I say Whatev! That shit was hilarious! I'm begging for an extended cut where more of the main characters die. Some of them seemed a bit left out of this battle, which was the only downside to it since Emmett and Rosalie could have died too. Even though everyone really didn't die, there actually was one true death in this one. The vampire girl Irena, who stuck her nose where it didn't belong. I guess the moral of the story is that bitches shouldn't fuck around in other people's business. If she hadn't been snooping around and later ran her mouth, everything would have been fine and she'd still be alive. No matter how hot she is, this sort of thing shouldn't be tolerated in any way, shape or form.

So all in all my niece and I had a great time seeing this along with all of those sobbing, orgasming and heart attack having girls. It was a pretty diverse crowd actually, but everyone got swept up in the final act. A plus for the grown men in the audience, we got to see a lot of decapitations and well, that dude's face being ripped lengthwise in half was the scene that had me laughing for about a minute. There was also a very PG-13 sex scene towards the beginning, with a lot of close-ups of legs, and arms conveniently covering boobs. Acting and make-up are of course what to be expected with these Twilight films. No matter how sappy or juvenile the story may ultimately be, a majority of side characters got some ample time in these last five films to make at least an impact when they were killed off. There were also a lot of ultra close-ups, a lot of airbrushing in some scenes (specifically on Bella and Renesmee's faces) and there's the issue of the CGI on actress Mackenzie Foy to superimpose her face on an animatronic baby or later in a future vision, a teenager. It wasn't overly horrible, just very noticeable.

The Twilight "Saga" may be a series of films where very little actually happens, but I can appreciate it for what it really is... and that's stupid, stupid fun. It sends a horrible message to young women, it's completely ridiculous, and it's all based around an incredibly selfish, stuttering, blinking, suicidal girl played by the incredibly hot Kristen Stewart. People say that these movies "Ruined Vampires", but similar shit was said when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were cast in Interview, and look at that movie now. It's pretty badass. You just wait... in about twenty years we'll be looking back at the heyday when Sparkling Vampires like Edward weren't such pussies as compared to what they've got now. Now that it's all "over" now, what's there to look forward to? Next year a new movie based on another of Stephanie Myers' books is coming out, called The Host. Who's starring in it you ask? Saoirse Ronan, who I at the moment am completely obsessed with. Just like with Kristen Stewart, these fuckers keep finding a way to pull me into this chubby author's world. Till next time... keep on Sparklin'.

5 More Wacky Things about Demons 2 (1986)

Man, Demons 2 sure is one wacky flick I'll tell you what brotha. Most everyone says that it sucks, but you know, something about this movie just gives me a case of the giggles. Go ahead, just stare at that first screenshot down there for a while and then tell me you don't feel bubbly like champagne. Here's a few more weird moments from the film:

6. Demon Mugging!

It's pretty un-fuckin'-believable the amount of times Demons stare into the camera in this movie. I always thought that was weird. Rare even. But at the same time, it's so dumb that I can't help but laugh every single time it happens! This breaking of the fourth wall was most likely not done tongue in cheek, but rather for the creepy scare factor. And while the very first time it happens (when the Demon from the television program takes that evil glance towards you) is a bit chilling, the rest of the times it's just so overly cheezy! I don't know, maybe it's because they're Smiling!! Then there's the growling, snarling  jaw writhing, teeth licking, wide ass eyes, red contacts, and extreme close-ups. Sure, it's way overdone, but I don't think I'd have it any other way. Fondue me.

7. This fuckin' guy yellin' "Heeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!1"

As Sally begins to transform into a Demon after blowing out her candles, she can't contain the pain any longer and needs something to clench onto. That's where this unlucky son of a bitch comes in. He's standing there next to his good friend(?) Sally, having a grand old time, enjoying the festivities and smiling away like a dumbass... when suddenly, Sally grabs him by the forearm and begins to squeeze. Now believe me you when I tell us that the look on this fucking guy's face is absolutely priceless! Hey, speaking of blowing, clenching and squee

He then lets out one of the most unintentionally funny lines in the film when he tries to get the other people's attention with a desperate and horrified "HEEEE-EYYYY!" As claws emerge from underneath Sally's fingernails and pierce into his flesh, he contorts his face and screams over and over again. Much to the delight of the viewer. I'm sure everyone was eagerly awaiting the slaughter to come after seeing this guy and Sally's other dumbshit friends fucking around with the electronics in the elevator. What are they trying to do, get themselves stuck in there for three fuckin' days or something?! Oh wait... was that foreshadowing?

8. "I'm Scared Stiff of Elevators!"

So the film starts off with this mildly attractive blonde prostitute (and yeah, I'm sugarcoating that shit) entering a 'strange, mysterious and futuristic' high-rise building. How do we know that she's a prostitute? Well if you're in tune with that stuff and depending on what dub of the original Demons film you're watching, you can either "Tell 'em a mile away" or they're "fuckin' everywhere". Also, in her next scene she's disrobing and telling some suit n' tie schmuck loo-zah that they "can do it anyway [he] likes".

Wait, where was I? So the film starts off with this old broad with - hang on, let me search this one - a hairstyle that is referred to as "Bangs with a Bob" (think of Andrea Rau from Daughters of Darkness - except a lot less hot!) and she's about to ascend the elevator up to some middle-aged dude's room and get paid to suck and/or fuck him for three minutes. While waiting for the elevator (which is being tampered with and keeps going up and down single floors at random) a handsome bookworm nerd hero shows up aside her and waits as well. They exchange glances. In particular, she exchanges glances with his package (see above).

Five minutes later, after the deliverance of flesh, she exits the apartment and heads to the elevator once more to 'go down'. At the same time, the sensitive yet manly yet nerdy boyfriend sets out to obtain his hot pregnant wife some pickles and ice cream cake in the middle of the afternoon. Hey, it's possible. And the two of them meet up again at the elevator, and so quickly I might add! That's when the lady makes the rainbow connection:

Stupid Blonde Hooker: "Aaah, you finish too? Tee-hee."

Handsome Guy who Loves his Pregnant Wife: "Excuse me? 0_o"

Dumb Blonde Prostitute: "Heh. Nothing."

Does this lady think that anyone remotely good looking must sell their ass for cash? It gets annoying, amirite beautiful people? I love these short scenes between the two here, and for one simple fact: That this bitch cannot think outside of her own box! She's so caught up in the pussy delivery business that she doesn't even see real people anymore. Simple coincidences become whatever her lifestyle favors, in her own mind. Meaning, she's one stupid, lost and empty vessel, just waiting to be penetrated by demonic forces. Hey, she's used to it. Relax.

9. Get Sally Some Midol!

Sally is having one hell of a bad birthday. Despite having tons of people over and lots of yuppie dancing going on with that shit music in the background, she still can't seem to have a good time. I wonder why. I happen to think her hair and dress look cute, but I'm into that frumpy casual-goth look so don't take my word for it. She hates it all though. Her hair is a total mess, her fucking sleeves keep moving back and forth (what the fuck is that?), her shoes are ridiculously hideous and to top it all off, some idiot just invited the guy who date raped her six months ago to her birthday party!

Oh, and did I mention that she's having her period too?

The proof is in the puddi... picture. Huh. All of a sudden I'm in the mood for a Bloody Mary. Too bad I'm all out of spicy hot V8. And why did I just get an image of Paris Hilton in a bikini eating that juicy burger and drippin' that uh-sauce all over the place? So Sally menstruates, and blood drips though the building's lower floors like acid, infecting anyone who comes in contact with it. OK, I know blood was coming out of her from the forehead down, but I've got no reason not to believe that it didn't come from everywhere. Let me have my fun won't you!?

Sally and all of her stupid friends are a bunch of repugnant idiots anyways, those lame ass yuppy fucks, and I'm glad they're all Demons now. At least that's one step up from being a brainwashed zombie anyways. I'm just pissed that we didn't get to see her rip Jacob's balls off.

10. Demon Dog!

This furry little dog's transformation into a Hound From Hell is particularly gross, if only for the clear gooey slime as his new fangs and gums peel away from his original face skin. After the transformation is complete, the dog looks pretty silly, but when this shit is going down it is just some nasty stuff. Probably more disturbing than the new Demon Teeth that get pushed out of the humans, just for the fact that this dog's entire upper lip just peels back like that and ends up just over those glowing Demon eyes. This drunk broad watches on in sheer terror, most likely pissing herself, while she stands frozen and confused.

She notices that the dog lapped up some of Sally's vaginal excretions and in a weird (and very Demons 2-esque) fashion asks the dog: "You didn't like it... did you?!" What in the? Hey lady! Quit talking to your pets. Your demon pets. You drunk ass demon pet dog owner. Now feed your dog! Hey, stay tuned for more of the neverending tribute to Demons 2. Up next, a few of the many things that totally SUCK about the film. Be prepared.

Jacks Abbey Pumpkin Crop Lager

Jack's Abbey Pumpkin Crop Lager - Mom and Pop's Harvest Series (2012)
Brewed and Bottled by Jack's Abbey Brewing, in Framingham, MA. USA.
Autumn Seasonal  (First Year Beer)
16.9 fl. oz. / $2.99 USD / 5.5% ABV

About: "The 2012 harvest on our Mom & Pop’s farm was fruitful and this brew uses 100 fresh pumpkins and 40 organic squash. We prepared, cooked, and pureed all the gourds with the help of our friends at Carrie Anne’s Modern Diner. A blend of autumn spices adds to the intense pumpkin flavors. Uses locally grown Triticale from MA."

Thoughts: Pumpkin Crop Lager poured a supremely hazy and dark burnt amber / blood orange color with a massive slightly raspberry colored head. Hey, I write what I see. That doesn't mean I don't "see things."

The scent is pretty outstanding for something described as a "lager". There's a heavy malt flow which is sweet and savory when mixed with those pumpkins, and a ton of spice that doesn't smell over-spiced. If you know what I mean? It's a bit earthy with a dominating nutmeg aspect. Nicely done, I'd say.

First gulp was embedded with a spicy sweetness. It's rich and savory. There's a quick explosion blast. It leaves a bit of a sugar cookie type aftertaste. There's a hint of ginger, and it's toasty like bread so it gives off this gingerbread man type vibe. It's really flavorful - not extreme - but, it's good. Once swallowed, the tastes pretty much all go away. It tastes good though.

Mouth feel is smooth as all hell. And, just a little sticky.

I got "No Problemo" (no hay problema?) with this one. It's mild, yet flavorful, tastes good and it's not offensive. So why not. Note: I reviewed this about three weeks to a month before I did the Sam Adams Gingerbread Stout by the way... only this one I had written while watching "Tale of a Vampire" so I didn't post it until now.  So the whole "gingerbread" thing was not more than subconscious.

5 Delightfully Twisted Moments in Demons 2 (1986)

As far as I'm concerned, the sequel (and arguable remake) of the 1985 film Demons is a massively underrated gem. Sure, it's roughed up, dusty and has a chip in it... but it's still money, baby! As long as I've been into checking out horror film reviews, I noticed that this movie has been unnecessarily shit upon from day one. And for what I ask? Look, it's gotta be real fuckin' hard to follow up the original film. Demons is a classic masterpiece of celluloid splatter! How do you top the original? The answer is, you don't. Demons 2 shouldn't be faulted for being "so incredibly sub par compared to the original", but rather cherished, for giving us more of what we all wanted after the first film. So let's get this party started... with a few scenes that intrigue me:

1. The Intro

Boisterous music hits during the opening credits of Demons 2, and soon thereafter, a mysterious narrator speaks the following words: "A terrifying centuries old prediction, foretold the spawning of demons on earth. That prediction came true when spectators in a movie theater, were transformed into bloodthirsty fanged creatures and spread death and contagion. Days of terror that convinced the world that Demons can exist."

After the creepy voice-over intro (which was set in pure darkness), the film opens up with a shot of a gleaming knife. Some red grue drips onto it, then a table-side seemingly covered in blood, dripping more and more onto this knife. A doorway slowly creeks as it sways back and forth, its shadows moving across the floor. A large man with a limp comes through the door with red shit all over his apron. He's wiping the grime off of his hands. Who is this guy and what nubile young flesh did he just dismember?! As he cleans off the knife, the camera pans up to a tipped jar of strawberry puree and then over to a table full of pastries and cakes. He then writes 'Happy Birthday Sally!' on one of them.

It's a real mindfuck of an opening sequence, and one totally unexpected. It's also very humorous, especially when you think about it for a while... or happen to be on mind-altering substances. Just one of the many examples of Dario and Lamberto fucking with the viewer in this movie. And believe me, there are many more to come in Demons 2. In fact, I could imagine the both of them giggling like naughty schoolchildren while in the back of the cinemas when this first came out, watching the audience squirm at the not-so-subtle nuances presented within.

2. The TV Documentary

You gotta love the whole movie within a movie angle... especially back when it wasn't so popular and overdone. Everybody in a high tech, high rise building and their dog and/or prostitute is watching this television program about the "Coming of the Demons". We get these really cool roaming shots throughout the building of our potential victims while they all stare blankly at the glowing screen. There's a family with their cute daughter, a kid by himself, an alcoholic lady drinking rum and eating ice cream with her furry dog, an incredibly hot pregnant chick and her irresistibly handsome man, a dirty prostitute and her john who insists they "do it with the TV on", oh, and a girl at her birthday party who absolutely hates her hair and dress.

You gotta love the whole retelling of a movie within a retelling of a movie angle too... it's like poetry, it just sort of rhymes. We've got different, yet familiar looking teenagers here, all with very familiar voices, and they're out looking for fallout items from the Demons plague. They hop over a barbed wire-laden stone gate into the "forbidden zone" to gather up their bounty. It's a pretty grimy area, and as they roam through it searching for lizards for proof of the Demons, we get more dread filled voice-over of impending doom: "The Demons rampaged through the streets. Fear and Death were the order of the day. The Fuck? Then, man learned to fight back and the forces of evil, were defeated. Today that seemingly endless moment of horror is an almost forgotten nightmare. But the questions are still there: Can it happen again? Will we be ready next time? What's being done to prevent it? Is a wall enough to keep an inhuman threat at bay!?"

Apparently a wall isn't enough to keep these subhuman threats "at bay", as both the psychical (and soon, the metaphysical) wall in the film has been obstructed. During their trespassing activities of stupidity, we are treated to such gems of dialogue as: "What happened to those on the other side?" "What happened?! The Demons got 'em and turned 'em into more Demons!" and "Ah, it's nothing... just a scratch!" - A classic line! One of my favorite moments in particular is when the group of teens find a long, sharp fingernail of a Demon in the mud. They all get super excited about it and put it in a glad bag. While dumb girl #1 takes photos, the nerdier of the two guys proclaims: "Our first trophy!". Then the other dude lays down a truly mind-blowing comment with: "You know I read somewhere, they spread their contagion... through their fingernails!" Well f'n gee-whiz dumb fucks! Maybe you shouldn't be touching that shit then. Stupid idiots. One of the girls of course cuts herself and while posing for a photo, lets her blood drip into the dormant Demon's mouth. Go figure. 

3. Little Boy Answers the Phone

Number 3 and 5 in this list are two more instances of simply executed scenes that help intensify the viewers sense of unease. As the film goes between the TV program within a movie and the real life people at home watching it, a low boiling sense of dread begins to build. The stupid teenagers are getting closer to discovering Demonic activity, and the viewers are now really glued to the tube. Inside one apartment, a young boy is laying on the floor watching the scary show in awe, when suddenly the telephone rings. He gets up to answer it, and then drops a bombshell of absolute hilarity!:

"Hello. No daddy isn't... home. Neither's mommy. I'm alone! Yes, goodbye."

This really is a film that deserves a drunken midnight theater audience track. Admittedly, I was utterly toasted the first time I ever saw this, so anytime one of the characters said something so over-the-top stupid I felt a tingling through my body. But this one left me not only flabbergasted, but incredibly giddy as well. My eyes widened, and I slowly cracked the biggest smile ever, as what I had just seen, I never imagined could ever be done... and with such finesse. From the low droning music, the weird shit going, all of the teasing, and then this? A fucked up little scene like this just screams the fact that Bad Shit is Going to Happen! You bet your ass.

4. Demons 3-D?

"A Demon! Hey, that's crazy!", Sally says with a little bit of bewildered wonderment. After throwing multiple fits at her birthday party, she's been distracted and has become completely immersed in this gruesome program about the supposedly true events detailing the Demons' uprising. "Blood... nurtures the dormant seed of Evil! How can the Demons be stopped? Is another apacoalypical prediction about to come true? The winds of death will sweep across the world, and whole continents will be cast adrift in an ocean of blood." Just as these words are spoken by the whimsically grim narrator, the first Demon from the television show stares a hole into the viewers soul. A low droned bass line hits, sending chills down the spine of anyone watching this alone in the dark.

As the demon slowly approaches the screen, we see his view of Sally through the television... her face, glimmering in the blinking light. He then starts pushing his face through the screen, into her world, and terror ensues. When the television goes to static, Sally dismisses it as her own imagination. Like a few of the other characters in this movie however, there's something inside of her now. But what happened to this television Demon? Was his split-second rotting flesh and blood incarnation simply imagined? Do the Demons actually require physical contact to spread their "disease"? Or are poor and unfortunate lost souls just so easy to succumb to these creature's horrendous nature and influence?

5. Sally Blows Out Her Candles

Or rather, fails to do so! As Sally's blood is quickly becoming infected from that Television Demon's possession and her body begins to boil, she slowly makes her way to her birthday cake while her guests sing for her. She's writhing in pain, but trying not to let it show as she bends down to blow out her candles. The veins in her arm are protruding and she looks as if she's trying not to drop her intestinal track out her ass. Everyone's oblivious. She finally musters up enough breath to blow out her candles, but alas, one of the candles is still left lit after her unworthy blow. So sad.

I guess her private wish isn't going to come true. What horrible luck! This small part of the much more elaborate scene is a really nice touch, and it's the little things like this that really make Demons 2 such a fun experience. These are some of the cool details written into the film, which range from ironic to amusing, downright silly to diabolical. Oh and speaking of horrible luck, there will be more to come on my coverage of this not-so-fan-favorite flick, including more of the awesomeness most viewers either overlook or dismiss. Keep your eyes peeled!

Samuel Adams Merry Mischief

Merry Fake-O-Ween!1 That's right.

What?! Stone Cold ET, wants to celebrate Halloween... three days late... and drink himself, a couple Christmas beers... and that's the bottmline!!1 What!?? I said, Halloween... has come a little late, and is Nuts to Butts with this here years Christmas Season! What?!... Gimme a Hell Yeah!, if you like your pumpkins... and your mistletoe... inter-mingling, while you drink beers, kissin' each other, and plumpin up, while you whoop your bitches ass! Wait, what?!

So the town I'm currently residing in is celebrating Halloween today. I guess it's "for the kids" because the 31'st didn't fall on a weekend. That happens pretty much every year (when the unloved holiday lands on a weekday, and parents don't want to deal with shit). But now people are claiming it's been pushed back because of the storm that hit us. Yeah, sure.

Samuel Adams Merry Mischief - Gingerbread Stout (2012)

Limited Seasonal Release (First Year Beer)

22 fl. oz. / $6.69 USD / 9% ABV

About: "This rich dark gingerbread stout entices with the aromas of the holidays, hinting at the merriment and spices within. The flavor of gingerbread comes alive beginning with the smooth sweetness and heartiness of dark roasted malts and a touch of wheat. But it’s the intensity and spices of cinnamon, clove, nutmeg, & ginger that add a wicked kick for a jolly playful brew full of merry mischief.

To bring to life the gingerbread we wanted to create that distinctive richness and spicy kick.  We strengthened the dark stout and added a touch of flaked oats for a full body and smoothness.  The dark malts also give the beer a sweet roastiness with hints of cocoa and a slight nuttiness. Then come the spices with a combination of cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, and ginger for a layer of complexity and lingering heat. The cinnamon and clove create a peppery heat while the ginger and nutmeg create an earthiness that marries perfectly with the hops.  All of the ingredients come together to create that nostalgic taste of gingerbread for a festive and warming winter brew.

Malts: Samuel Adams two row pale malt blend, wheat, Special B, Paul’s roasted barley, and flaked oats / Hops: East Kent Goldings and Fuggles / Yeast Strain: Samuel Adams ale yeast / Special Ingredients: Cinnamon, Nutmeg, Cloves, & Ginger."

Thoughts: Merry Mischief poured a seriously dense ultra dark brown that turned pitch black, and featured a very dark beige and/or a light brown milk chocolate head atop.

This smells just like their Fat Jack! Typical... but I'll give it a chance, since it's made with the same spices and yeast. Alright, it only smells mostly the same at first. Once you get into it there's a darker, smokier tone to it...  it's very roasty, and a mix of chocolate and coffee, though neither of those are overpowering the other. It smells pretty awesome. There's an extinguished cigarette thing going on but it's pleasant. Something weird though... are hops actually coming through? No... wait, that's booze.

Very, very malty. Tinge of alcohol. Loads of ginger and vanilla here. It's got a real alcoholic frosting type taste to it. What's this, about 600 calories or so? Yeah, sounds about right. There's a lot of flavor overall, but it does fade pretty quick on the tongue leaving a dry haze from that cinnamon and a burn from that alcohol. It's a bit roasty, burnt, heavy, warm, a little bit acidic, heavily spiced and pretty much a dropped bomb. I don't hate it, no... in fact, while I'm not overly fond of it, I do happen to enjoy it quite a bit. Just because it reminds me so much of a Pumpkin Beer. Their Fat Jack particularly, only different.

Mouth feel is pretty thin for a stout. Watery, and such... sure it tasty for the most part. I wonder how it'll age. Perhaps in a few years it'll develop into a really nice IPA. What?! I said...

This is a cool beer. Not revolutionary by any means, and not really original, but I'm not going to sit here and complain. Most of the Sam Adams brews taste the same anyways, so at least this time they took one that I actually liked and made a Stout clone out of it. Who wouldn't have done the same thing?

Samuel Adams Fat Jack

Samuel Adams Fat Jack Double Pumpkin - Ale brewed with Pumpkin and Spices (2012)

1'st Batch Special Edition - Seasonal (Limited Release)

22 fl. oz. / $6.99 USD / 8.5% ABV

About: "Pleasantly plump and satisfied. This rich and luscious brew indulges in flavor with over 28 lbs. of pumpkin per barrel, for a full bodied sweetness and deep russet color. Classic pumpkin pie spices like cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice ignite a warmth and spark that’s deepened by an undercurrent of toasty smoked malts. The result is a delectable brew full of enveloping layers of flavor and spice. Malts: Samuel Adams two-row pale malt blend, Rye, Special B, and Smoked Malt / Hops: East Kent Goldings and Fuggles / Yeast: Samuel Adams ale yeast / Special Ingredients: Real pumpkin, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and allspice."

Thoughts: Poured a dark ruby red color with a thick and frothy slightly yellow colored head.

Smells like sugar pumpkin cookies. Damn good! The scent is fairly strong, and gets stronger the longer you breathe in. It's got a real down to earth homemade pumpkin pie type scent. It doesn't smell incredibly sweet, but it's nothing mild either... it's like a classic and familiar pumpkin, and the spices aren't overwhelming to the point where you can't get the pumpkin. I really like how this one smells. There also seems to be a low lingering booze heat around the back. Let's see how it tastes:

First thing I got was a mix of that cinnamon and sugar, followed by an extremely malty tone and then after the swallow that nutmeg and allspice shot off like fireworks. There is quite a boozy taste to this one too which is a really fucking tart, and that ginger really gives it a hazy feel once you breathe in after each gulp. There's a decent bitterness to this, but it maintains a sound balance with the semi-sweetness. It's not syrupy or overly sweet and the spices aren't overpowering either, but don't let those words fool you into thinking this one has a weak taste, as it does not! After drinking half the bottle the cinnamon coats the tongue for a while, and the spice really starts to emerge strong. It does get a little smokey. Overall I'd say that this is a very good representation of the style. It's very middle ground in pretty much all categories, but it's damn tasty and the high ABV is always more than welcome.

Mouthfeel is a medium, but man it is Frothy! It explodes like foam in the mouth when you hold it in.

I just looked back on my Sam Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale review, and found that it's very similar to this one. Everything from the color to the scent and even the taste... only this time things are a lot stronger. While the color and look is exactly the same, the smell is something that this time around really comes out at you. You don't have to try for it, because it's right there bursting and popping. The taste also comes out like a squishy pumpkin slammed over the dome! It's a lot heavier and that booze kick doesn't let up one bit. I like my beers boozy, with a strong taste (and as you may have noticed, I'm not really a fan of subtlety). There's a good chance I'll buy this one again if I can find it, perhaps for a mixer review.

Long Trail Pumpkin Ale

Pumpkin Ale Long Trail (2012)

Autumn Seasonal

12 fl. oz. / $1.66 USD / 5.5% ABV

About: "Long Trail is excited to launch Long Trail Pumpkin Ale, a slightly sweet seasonal treat artfully brewed with pumpkins, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and cloves. The perfect drink for a fall day, this exceptionally balanced beer has an aroma very reminiscent of pumpkin pie. Malts: 2-Row, Wheat, Caramel 80L, and Caramunich / Hops: Nugget, Mt. Hood, Willamette / All Natural Ingredients: Pumpkins, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and cloves."

Thoughts: Poured a very rich orange orange color with an off white head that popped like crazy until it remained only a puddle of foam in the middle and edging the glass. Carbonation seems low and the beer is slightly cloudy.

The first whiff I got off this was incredible. Very sweet and inviting. Next few sniffs and it got slightly more harsh. There's a good amount of spice in the nose, and a peppery tone that comes through after a short while. It's seemingly smokey.

Taste starts out pretty bitter, followed by a gentle tingling of cinnamon and a slow flow of the allspice / nutmeg mix. Second gulp is very peppery, smokey and of course there's a heavy malt base present. It's decent. Not really sour, not really sweet... it's mild, got a gentle bitterness, and doesn't taste overly cloved. It's pretty good.

It's pretty crisp and clean feeling. Aftertaste is soft and smooth.

For what it is, I think I may actually like this more than their Imperial Pumpkin... strange. That never happens. It's a bit more watery than I'd prefer, and of course overall it's got a mild taste to it. But it's not too bad. In the case of both Pumpkin Ales from Long Trail, the scent is more appealing than the actual taste. I'm the sort of guy that likes "in your face" beers when it comes to taste though. These ones had a strangely unique taste to them too, which I imagine must be from the state they're brewed in.

Long Trail Imperial Pumpkin

Long Trail Imperial Pumpkin - Ale brewed with Pumpkin and Spices (2012)

Autumn Seasonal (Limited Release - First Batch).

22 fl. oz. / $6.94 USD / 8% ABV

2013 Artwork

About: "Long Trail Imperial Pumpkin Ale is the latest introduction to the Long Trail Brewmaster Series. This limited release seasonal treat is small batch brewed with pumpkins, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, and cloves with increased malts and a touch of bitterness for the perfect balance. Malts: 2-Row, Wheat, Caramel 80L, and Caramunich / Hops: Nugget, Mt. Hood, Willamette."

Thoughts: Poured a slightly dark orange-brown honey color with an oatmeal color head that dissolved pretty quickly. This beer is very murky. Murky and hazy. Maximum carbonation.

This one smells pretty uncooked. Not overly sweet scented like pumpkin pie brews, but rather like a moderately spiced mash. Kinda fruity. Smells a bit smokey around the back of it... like cigarette ash.

Major booze sting on first gulp. Tartness. Took a bigger second gulp and there's still that booze so don't consider this one well hidden by any means. It's lightly spiced, heavy on the pulpy taste and just edging on sour. The beer is extremely malty. It's got some mild cinnamon here and is pretty heavy on the clove, and with the mix of those (the drying of the cinnamon and the flavor of the clove) makes you feel as if you just smoked a clove cigarette. It all becomes nutty as you get into it, like cashews or peanuts. A very strange brew.

Mouth feel is light and airy. A little bit foamy around the end and leaves a little bit of the sticky stuff behind.

Previous

Overall I find this beer a bit more sour than I usually like. The sweetness here is pretty much non-existent and the abundance of building spice as you continue to drink doesn't really compliment the bitterness all too well. That being said, it's not horrible. There just seems to be a lot more "beer" flavor coming through as opposed to pumpkin beer... how do I phrase this? It's as if I'm drinking a beer that is in itself two different entities. While it's blended, I'm feeling more of an individual vibe from each of the flavors here. It's weird. While the flavor of this beer falls off really quick, it's got a really nice aftertaste.

Long Trail Imperial Pumpkin - Ale brewed with Pumpkin and Spices (2013)

Autumn Seasonal (Limited Release - Second Batch).

22 fl. oz. / $6.99 USD / 8% ABV

Second Thoughts: Poured a dark cinnamon color with a thick and frothy orange cream colored head.

Smells great. Spices hit up front with ginger, black pepper, nutmeg, a little cinnamon sugar, and crayola crayons.

Yup. Tastes like crayons. This is like the mystery at the pumpkin wax museum. The smell is definitely better than the taste... but it's not completely horrid. There's a lot of black peppery spice which I like since I like that kind of thing. It's very malty. A little bit funky and earthy. Spicy. And a tad sour.

The new artwork got me this time around, as did the whole thought of revisiting pumpkin ales, but I'm not really much of a fan of this one overall. Totally way better label for 2013 though.