Fantôme de Noel

Fantôme de Noel (2012/2011???)

Brewed and Bottled by Brasserie Fantome, in Soy, Belgium.

Speciale Release (Winter). 

25.4 fl. oz. / $14.44 USD / 10% ABV

About: "FANTOME SPECIALE NOEL: brune foncée, très caramélisée, malts torréfiés, et assez forte! (10% alcool).... Une bière pour un hiver rigoureux ... et idéale à offrir!" "A very dark and entirely unique holiday seasonal beer, at a whopping 10% alc. by volume. Reportedly spiced with honey, caramel, coriander, black pepper, and other secret ingredients."

Thoughts: A bottle with a cap and a cork? What in the fuck... well that's interesting. As I hold this bottle up to the light I notice what appears to be a shitload of yeast floating around the bottom. At least, I hope that's what it is. ;) As I snap a few shots of the bottle, I think to myself 'how the fuck am I gonna do this?'...so I pop off the top and go to work with my shitty one dollar corkscrew (hey, it beats a sharp knife). I man up and twist that cork out of the tight bottle, a billow of grey smoke rises up and I take a whiff. Not bad. The cork has "Brasserie Fantôme Soy 086/477044" written on the side of it.

I tilt the glass and start to pour and this beer is nothing but head. Usually I have a half-finger head, not a half-finger of beer with a head nearly to the top of the glass.  I let it die down and go for a second pour... same results. Yeah, this is going to take a while. I guess I'll talk about the cool artwork on the label. It features Santa riding on a sleigh with the Fantôme ghost looming in the air, looking down on him mischievously. Cool stuff. He also looks like a floating snowman.

Noel pours a really cloudy, muddy apricot amber like dirty-orange color with a ten finger off-white head and about a trillion carbonation bubbles rising up at the speed of light. With the vast amount of bubbles maintaining the head there's no way this is going to be dying down anytime soon.

Smells just like a Belgian farmhouse ale. There's that heavy yeast, hints of crisp apples and black pepper. Overall very pleasing to the senses. It smells a little bit fruity, slightly tangy, and lightly spiced. Not really sensing anything "Christmas-y" about it, but whatever... I'm used to that by now. It's a bit floral, there are cherries dancing in the background and it's got a toasty note to it most likely due to some rye like malt and pepper. This beer is in a green bottle as well, and has a fair amount of skunk to it.

The taste is... well, not really like anything I've ever tasted before so I guess that's new and interesting. On the first gulp I got a little bit of tartness that mellowed out quick, which followed by a little bit of a burnt rubbery sensation and after I swallowed tons of cigarette smoke and ash. That all sounds really unpleasant, but it wasn't actually that bad for a first gulp. The taste of kissing a cute girl who smokes all day long is probably the least spectacular part so far. I wonder how it'll get upon further inspection.

Hmm... is't actually not quite bad. It only tastes like cigarettes and stale bubblegum when you breathe in afterwards, but aside from that it's got a gently sweet and tart taste to it. It's got a char to it around the back like I noted, but it's not really like wood, but more like burning paper. My, doesn't that sound refreshing? It doesn't taste much like bubblegum as much as it does like sour cherries, ocean and bonfire mist, and gentle spices. It's a bit rubbery, like chewing on old 80's He-Man toy heads, but I've had FAR worse than this. In fact, if going into this you consider it a smoked beer then you'll probably be more than excited and pleased by the taste of things here.

Puckering inside my mouth to examine flavor and it gets a little bit like fresh cut grass and fruit that has fallen from a tree and is starting to get moist. While inside the mouth this beer is a treat in itself, nicely sweet with some very enjoyable Belgian yeast, a lot of cherries with some gentle tartness. It's only when air hits it afterwards is when the heavy fog sets in. I'm not even a third of the way through the bottle yet, and can only imagine what this beer will be like once I pour that yeast from the bottom of the bottle into my glass.

Alright, poured the bottom of the bottle in and now it's thick like fog! Looks kinda like brown juice from a carrot and vegetable juicer or some shit. And huh... perhaps I should have rolled this bottle before I poured it, because to me now it tastes a little more even. Still tastes pretty much the same... just a little more even. I guess the closest thing I could possibly compare this to is Mad Elf Ale. I guess these Belgian folk have some crazy as all fuck Christmas beer. Apparently I'm getting used to it. Have I evolved!? o_o Nah, perhaps these beers have damaged my brain cells.

Founders DOOM

Founders DOOM - Imperial IPA Aged in Bourbon Barrels (2013)

Backstage Series (Extremely Limited Release).

25.4 fl. oz. / $14.99 USD / 10% ABV

About: "Doom is unleashed when Founders’ award-winning specialty Imperial IPA, Double Trouble, is aged in bourbon barrels for four months to create a distinct flavor experience. So, while Double Trouble is brewed to turn your world upside down, Doom is brewed to tear it apart: pungent hops conspire with boozy bourbon notes to send your senses spinning. Known as “Hand of Doom” when originally brewed for our taproom, this 10% ABV beer is a unique addition to our barrel-aged repertoire, which has mostly consisted of malt-forward beers such as Backwoods Bastard and Kentucky Breakfast Stout.

The Backstage Series brings some of our most sought-after and experimental taproom beers to a much larger audience. Every single 750mL bottle of these limited batches is intended for Founders fans to share, celebrate and thoroughly enjoy. And each release affirms that, as a small brewery, we are following our passion: beer that is brewed for us. It will always be about producing the best beer we can and offering it to those who share our enthusiasm. Backstage Series beers are brewed sporadically throughout the year in limited supply. These beers are not on a set schedule and may or may not ever be brewed again. Regardless, rest assured that whatever comes next will be amazing and unique."

Thoughts: DOOM poured a yellowish color out of the bottle that formed into light, slightly orange golden honey-like hue. It's got a one finger super opaque white head with all different shaped bubbles. The beer is really cloudy and there are quite a few carbonation bubbles rising up from the center of the glass and even around the edges.

On the first whiff out of the hissing bottle I got a strong double IPA for a single second before a rush of bourbon barrel oak flooded in and consumed it. Pouring it into the glass and leaning in I envision kiwi, pineapple, grapefruit and... coconut. This really smells like candy. Like guava fruit roll-ups with little shreds of coconut on them. Very juicy and fruity and tropical. As it warms more of that vanilla like bourbon comes out.

This stuff is absolutely insane! Liquid candy makes you dandy. It's all those smells I listed above but in a wet juicy explosion of marvelous flavors, with a bitter haze at the end of it all and a mellow woodsy aftertaste riding it out. The sweetness, bitterness, and bourbon addition all go through stages. It's got strength around the back, it's peppery around the middle and boozy after each gulp. Aside from the more dominant flavors, there's a malty backdrop that's sweet like honey. This one is real big on flavor all the way through. It's great. Loads of complexity.

Doom is some pretty heavy stuff. It's tingly in the mouth and has a great peppery sensation to it. It finishes a bit dry as well. The beer mellows slightly over the time of long sipping and gulps... but it stays incredibly tasty and those barrel flavors really come out. It's got a fruity punch that still hits hard with each taste even after you've let it settle inside you for a while. This is some fine drinking.

Mix-a-six Madness!

What do beer and porn have in common? Everything... when it's Beer Porn!

Overall this was a pretty nice haul. The only thing is, I didn't really get anything that I truly desired. Not to say that I'm not pleased with what I brought home, but the fact is I went out searching for a few things in particular, couldn't find them, and came up with a case of the pouty-pouts at the liquor store as I moped around for a solid thirty minutes. It was after all an hour long round trip, not including my sad time and stopping at other places. But enough of me being a total bitch... let's check out the inventory:

1. Stone's ENJOY BY (Batch #7). This was a separate store (non haul) purchase. This is the third time I drank this beer and I have reviewed it three times on this very website. CLICK to ENJOY it.

2. I just bought my very first Fantôme! It's their Christmas beer of course, which is the most expensive thing in that lineup. I've always wanted to try one of their brews and since I've got an affliction for snowmen that resemble ghosts... or wait, is that the other way around?

3. I was about to purchase LiVE about a month ago in a bomber, but the price climbed from 7 to 10 something bucks during the week so I said fuck that! I don't know if it was a mistake or what the hell was going on, but I do love me some Southern Tier and still wanted to try it. There I am a month later and it's eight dollars for a six pack and it comes with a Free pint glass w/ logo. Nicely done.

4. The Fantôme was part of my sixer-mixer. The other beers I just wanted to try without buying 4 or 6 packs. Being parts of a whole, these beers were significantly cheaper (though not necessarily cheap) than other big beers. Thirsty yet?

Fright Rags KILL Destroyers T-Shirt!

I wonder what came in the mail today? Awwwwwww yeahz. Take a look at that. Would you just look at it?! It's been a while since I pre-ordered anything, let alone a T-Shirt, but I just had to have this colorful piece of yarn on a drunken whim. I'm not much of a KISS fan, but I do dig their cover art and this was just a really funny idea for a shirt. And just check out how fabulously gay Mr. Voorhees looks there! Gotta luv it. And don't get me started on the placement of Chuck's blade. Hehehe...

Also included were these freebies: A totally killer American Werewolf sticker(!), a Large Marge "Fright Film Facts" card and of course like always, a WarHead. I love the bonuses that Fright Rags give out, especially when it's a sticker. Stickers rule. Thanks dudes! 

As always: Click on both images to see the large (marge) versions.

Stone, Aleman and Two Brothers DAYMAN Coffee IPA

Stone, Aleman and Two Brothers DAYMAN Coffee IPA (2013)

Collaboration Brew (Limited Release) - Bottled on 3-1-13 (25 days ago as of this review).

22 fl. oz. / $7.19 USD / 8.7% ABV

About: "Jim Moorehouse, Nate Albrecht and Brad Zeller, three pals planning to open a Chicago brewpub under the moniker of Aleman, won first place at last year's Iron Brew homebrewing competition in the Windy City. Their style-bending IPA artfully married the assertive tropical bite of Citra hops with amazing coffee flavor and aromatics to create something truly unique and exceptional. Serendipitously, Two Brothers recently kicked off a new adventure roasting their own coffee beans, and provided just-in-time freshly roasted java for the brew. The result is an innovative IPA that's well balanced and intensely flavored thanks to the felicitous blend of hops and fresh roasted coffee."

Thoughts: Had to pour this one straight down into the glass to get that half finger sliver of a head there, which was slightly off white and bubbled away quickly. DAYMAN poured out a light but vivid orange color, with perhaps a slight shade of auburn in there too. Lot of carbonation bubbles rising despite the short head which is strange.

Smells a lot better than I had thought it would. I didn't know what the fuck to expect when I read "Coffee IPA" on the bottle, but scent-wise the blend is pretty remarkable. You get those hops for a split second before this ridiculously sweet smelling coffee rushes in and then just swirls around. After that it's like a really neat blend of an ice coffee with tons of sugar and cream... and weed.

The taste: Out-fuckin'-standing. Wow. What a beer. For a coffee beer I mean, don't get me wrong. I hardly ever drink coffee, but I used to years and years ago. I got these amazing tasting iced coffees all the time from this local shop back in the day, I think the name was Starfucks or something, I can't remember, and the flavors in here taste just like it. Especially considering at the time I was reeking of that dank bud, this one just really takes me back to the good old daze. If I hadn't ashed my stash this would be the perfect opportunity to get back to the review, so... this beer has a crazy mix of gentle bitter and sweetness that compliment each other well. There's this lingering bitterness that lasts the whole way through, but man it's not really bitter at all. It's got this indulgent sweetness that pulls it back the whole way, but at the same time it's not sweet at all. The mingling of flavors here is just so strange that it has to be experienced by anyone who's into IPAs or coffee just to see how in the hell this sort of thing could happen. This is a weird one!

Decided to look this one up and I guess some people are saying that this is better "on tap". I want to know who the fuck bought a bottle of this AND had it on tap in the same week it came out. They say that "the hops really pop instead of being overflowed by coffee"... but uh, well, I guess you've got to be in the right place at all times. I couldn't possibly know how the tap "with heavier hops" compares to this, but after warming a bit the coffee does tend to take over. When I first opened this hops were crazy nuts, and then everything mixed brilliantly... now that I'm later in the day and am drinking the last half of the bottle after hitting up some other brews, this one really has a strong coffee kick to it. So maybe it's just the warming effect.

I enjoyed this. It was one of those surprising bottle openings that I didn't expect to please me, but it just happened to be so weird that it was a nice change from the same ol' shit.

Scored 46 Playboy Magazines from the Early 90's!

So I'm down at the pub a while back when in walks fellow wizard Randalf the Mouth, aptly named due to his unrelenting one way conversational skills and large, pointy gray grey hat. As we both enjoy the early morning's liquid refreshments, he tells me of the previous workweek's vast account of incredulous and personal events. During the first ten minutes of his story about moving to a new apartment right down the street, my mind wanders and he notices that I have become entranced once again by the eye-catching, shiny, glitter covered, bouncy titties behind the bar. "Speaking of titties," he says "you outta see this huge box of old Playboys I had to lug up the stairs."

Tires screech, my eyes bulge... he continues talking, I interrupt him. "Wait a minute! Huge box of old Playboys?" He then tells me he's got all these old magazines that he doesn't really have a use for anymore, whatever that means. I ask him what decade. Early 90's he tells me. A flood of images rush through my brain, and I think about my old lost copy of Jenny McCarthy's 30 minute Playmate VHS. What bountiful treasures are buried within that box I imagine. "You can have them if you want." o_o! Holy shit. Yes, that would be fantastic, absolutely fantastic. I of course ask the obligatory question any rational perv would ask: "Are the pages all stuck together?" Of course not, he assures me.

These are 24 of the more interesting (and classic) covers... the last two are pretty WTF!? Also, I decided to go with my better judgement and not include the ones with Donald Trump or that chick from Murphy Brown.  

Nothin' sticky, they just all smell like cigarettes. Thanks Randalf, and Cheers to you!

8 Cwazy Quotes from Demons (1985)

This final duet is an old personal favorite:

END.

Goose Island Bourbon County Brand Stout

Goose Island Bourbon County Brand Stout - Stout Aged in Bourbon Barrels (2012)

Limited Winter Release (Bottled on 11/17/12)

12 fl. oz. / $5.99 USD / 15% ABV

About: "I really wanted to do something special for our 1000th batch at the original brewpub. Goose Island could have thrown a party. But we did something better. We brewed a beer. A really big batch of stout so big the malt was coming out of the top of the mash tun. After fermentation we brought in some bourbon barrels to age the stout. One hundred and fifty days later, Bourbon County Stout was born. A liquid as dark and dense as a black hole with a thick foam the color of bourbon barrels. The nose is a mix of charred oak, vanilla, caramel and smoke. One sip has more flavor than your average case of beer. It overpowers anything in the room. People have even said that it’s a great cigar beer, but I haven’t yet tried a cigar that would stand up to it. - Brewmaster Greg Hall. Hops: Willamette / Malt: 2-Row, Munich, Chocolate, Caramel, Roast Barley, Debittered Black / Preferred Glass: Snifter / Food Pairings: Flourless Chocolate Cake / Cheese Pairings: Capriole Bourbon Chocolate Torte / Cellaring Notes: Develops in the bottle for up to 5 years."

Thoughts: Found the last one of these hidden in the back of a singles fridge, surrounded by Miller Lite and Mike's Light Lemonade. Who would have thought. Cap was hard as fuck to peel off. BCBS poured a super dark opaque black with a little dark brown head.

This is some really strong smelling stuff. That bourbon really shines through here. Nice. The beer smells sweet and mild, there's loads of dark chocolate, underlying notes of raisin and plum, and some sugary marshmallow. All of it drenched in Whisky. Can't wait to indulge.

Awesome! This beer just rolls around in the mouth. I got a smooth chocolate malty sweetness right up front before that whisky blazed its way in and after the swallow a little blast of coffee exploded. I was wondering if any coffee was going to show up here, as I didn't get any in the scent at all. Second gulp got a little bit of that alcohol sting, a bit of a haze, and the black cherry / raisin / prune really came in with a sting. This beer is pretty amazing tasting. I don't usually drink whiskey, although I did go through a phase years ago, and this really brings it all back. It's just enough too. The whiskey doesn't overpower, but instead lends a beautiful uniqueness that comes on in a wave. It's really sweet, hot, woodsy, leaves a gentle fire in the belly, a smokey haze in the mouth and a nice feeling upon the brain.

Mouth feel is a soft medium, but it really spreads itself out in when you hold it in. It doesn't get fluffy or foamy at all, just kind of expands and stings. I like this one. I like beers that have a strong presence to them, and I really like 15-18% beers... this one though, seems like it's missing something. It's got a mild kick, it's tasty and smooth, but it's not really velvety smooth. Just a texture thing however... I'd really rather have had two of these instead of just a single, to explore it further. There's always next time I suppose.

Founders KBS

Founders KBS - Ale brewed with Chocolate and Coffee Aged in Oak Bourbon Barrels (2013)

Extremely Limited Release (April 1st).

12 fl. oz. (x4) / $20.59 USD / 11.2% ABV

About: "What we've got here is an imperial stout brewed with a massive amount of coffee and chocolates, then cave-aged in oak bourbon barrels for an entire year to make sure wonderful bourbon undertones come through in the finish. Makes your taste buds squeal with delight. Note, this is NOT simply barrel-aged Breakfast Stout. It is an entirely different beer."

Thoughts: KBS pours black like tar with a really dark chocolate milk colored head full of all different sized bubbles. This stuff looks pretty thick.

Getting a huge aroma of chocolaty coffee. The coffee is slightly taken aback next to the huge amount of cocoa there. It smells really sweet. The dry roasted notes are coming through and it's nicely done, but the chocolate is where it's at man. I never drank coffee without chocolate back in the day. When it got cold, or when I ordered it iced, it smelt like this. There's something else lingering around in there too... some kind of leafy, dark fruits.

Flavor is coffee on the first gulp, followed by a huge amount of overwhelming chocolate and a very nice ride out on the end. The bourbon really comes through the more you hold it in your mouth. The longer you hold it, the more intense it becomes and the more intense it becomes the more awesome it is overall. There's a gentle burn to the beer, and the thing about it is that it hits as just the precise moment where it floods in and is about to overtake and then slowly falls back allowing you to enjoy the real essence of the flavors here. Once you're past that all the flavors blend together so get ready to experience greatness. I feel a bit of dat grass on the very back of the tongue as I start in on the second half of the bottle. Overall it's very sweet. Tons of wood. The barrel aging flavors really kick in after the palate adapts to initial shock of intense liquefied pleasure. After transcending to another plane of existence, it starts to taste like the beach: Firewood, alcohol, roasting smores, maiden water all over your fingers (Hello ladies!), stale cigarettes you shouldn't be smoking, wet clothes, insanely high event stories told by a homeless drifter, sand in your crack, and hopefully getting home safe to wake up and thrash another day. Dark fruits and citrus try as they may and try as they might to come out, but unless you've got the patience all you're getting is swamp grass and booze as an afterthought. In essence: Chocolate, coffee, booze, dark fruits, hazy spice from that oak, and minor hints of black licorice after sipping for long periods.

KBS tingles on the tongue from the moment it hits till it's swallowed. Mouth feel is pretty syrupy, but it leaves relatively clean. All of the taste remains afterwards, but the initial coating of the mouth slowly fades out and end just a little bit dry (most certainly from the oak). It's pretty cool.

This is a pretty awesome beer, but I don't know if it's just rare for the sake of being rare. I remember seeing their also-much-sought-after Breakfast Stout sell out immediately and people were going absolutely nuts, clamoring for it. I was used to seeing one or two 4-Packs one day and they were gone the next - leaving the shelf empty for two weeks or more. Now I'm seeing TONS of the stuff sitting there, and people are going bat shit crazy over this release. Is it all part of the ruse? KBS got shipped (apparently according to "the net" and one cool as shit motherfucker at the liquor store) only one case per store in most parts. The dude bought  himself a 4 pack, saved a 4 pack for a friend, saved another 4 pack for a customer call in, and when he left his shift that fateful day, there was only one 4 pack left in the fridge. I was the man who showed up just after that. Yeah, I got the last one. Happier than a pig in shit? You fuckin' bet. Totally stunned by the beer? Well... It's worth the five bucks a bottle. Though the "rarity" factor really kicks in on something like this, truth be told as always, after I drank my last bottle of KBS I popped open a 2012 Sierra Nevada Bigfoot and it downright blew KBS away by miles! That's my story and I'm licking through it.

Sierra Nevada Barrel-Aged BIGFOOT

Sierra Nevada Barrel-Aged BIGFOOT - Barleywine Style Ale Aged in Whiskey Barrels (2013)

Limited Release (Good luck finding this shit!).

25.4 fl. oz. / $16.04 USD / 12.2% ABV

About: "Our Bigfoot Barleywine is a craft beer legend. Each winter, this beast of a beer appears and wreaks havoc on unsuspecting palates with its intense bittersweet flavors. This year - in honor of the 30th Anniversary of this style-bending brew - we're releasing a very special version of this cult classic: Aged in oak whiskey casks for nearly two years, this barrel-aged Bigfoot is incredibly complex. The assault of resinous hops has mellowed, and the influence of the wood has shifted focus toward the malt - with rich burnt-sugar flavors and notes of vanilla, toasted coconut, and raisins. Grab this elusive beast while you can, because it won't be around for long."

Thoughts: Cork was a rough one. The cap on the cage has some really cool artwork of two mingling hops. Light pop off the cork after all that work. Poured a grainy dark ruby / burgundy color with a small frothy head that left a thin layer atop the brew and some thick puddles that lasted forever. 

This beer smells outstanding. Holy shit it has a strong scent to it. It's total candy. Incredibly sweet smelling. I'm getting rich hot chocolate, candy bars, 3 Musketeers melted down over smokey wood and mixed with whiskey for a bad boy milkshake. With a beer like this you've gotta let it warm a little bit to really get just how deep that whiskey is. I love how it just intertwines with this already incredible tasting beer, the essence of it just pulsating throughout the 

Wow that is fucking spicy. Holy shit. I got a little bit of spice in the scent but that just came out blistering! And hot damn does this whiskey barrel aging just simply Dominate the brew. Two gulps and I'm feeling the heat in my lower chest. The whiskey notes really start to come on full and throughout in the scent, but when you get this in your mouth it just cracks the bottle over your head with it. Talk about intense. A deep haze of smokiness follows the swallow and the hops which are usually off the charts in this barleywine are very laid back, though still quite noticeable. It adds up to a nice unique flavor in the aftertaste, and what a splendid aftertaste is it. Talk about mellow, yet effective. This beer has a sting to it alright, and it doesn't die down with each and every small gulp either. It seems as if it is intensifying, or at least holding its original strength which is very rare. Very peppery, absolutely love the burn from the booze, smokey and sweet, it has a very gentle bitterness and it's in your face with all the flavors. Top notch stuff.

For the mouthfeel I've gotta stay that this beer is pretty damn thick. Something to be reckoned with. It's not sludgy, and it's definitely not thin. This stuff coats like oil and leaves a resinous raw hop flavor on the back of the tongue which is offset by the all around sweetness and excellent whiskey flavor.

I remember drinking Bigfoot so many years ago. I used to buy a six pack of Celebration every year, and on the second year of doing that I remember I picked up a six of Bigfoot. This is back when I didn't even know what craft beer was. I grew up in California, and Sierra Nevada had a great distribution to all supermarkets. I remember drinking Bigfoot in 2001, 2003 and 2004. Celebration and Bigfoot have always been special brews to me. When I finally found this one and only bottle on the shelf after driving all around the state, I couldn't not grab it and take it home.

Olivia Munn wonders why she's in Magic Mike (2012)

I know why Channing Tatum is starring in it, because Steven Soderbergh has got his dick on hard for the guy naturally, that's why. But Olivia Munn, why are you in this relatively small, thankless and underutilized role? I guess SS has a thing for girls like you (Andie MacDowell, Sasha Grey, Gina Carano) and who can blame him really? Certainly I can't. All four of you are total babes. Well... I suppose it's not your fault that the script for this movie sucked ass or that everyone only got one take to do their lines. At least you're on the radar right? Even that blink-or-you'll-miss it role in Iron Man 2 garnered your name all sorts of attention in the news (mostly on the internet). Anyways, I was driving to work one morning and heard on the radio that you had "one of the top 10 nude scenes of 2012 in Magic Mike". Honestly, I can't even recall the other 9 lady's names. All I heard was "Olivia Munn" and "topless". And now, here I am, typing these words as if I'm speaking directly to you and you're out there reading them (I hope you are, by the way). ;)

I most likely was never ever going to watch the movie Magic Mike. I saw the trailers, I heard the buzz (actually from a forty-something year old woman and her friends in the cinema during previews one day talking about drooling all over Tatum's sweet little asscheeks - what a splendid conversation to be within hearing range of let me tell you - but hell, at least they're not talking about molesting Taylor Lautner anymore) and seeing as this is a movie about male strippers, it didn't really appeal to me all that much. For the next few weeks, I passed over this one at least a dozen times at the Redbox, each time stopping for a single moment and imagining Olivia Munn's supple boobs. Yet I still had no intention of even renting it. Then there came the day where I was bored as shit (I had already seen everything else) and decided, ah what the hell, maybe it'll be funny at least. It kind of looks like a funny movie.

But it wasn't funny! It was a really depressing movie with some really awkward performances and ended up being a total snooze fest. And on top of that, I think Olivia may have given Channing crabs. Magic Mike is totally not what you'll expect it to be if you know nothing about it and are going into it for the first time. Hell, they should have named the movie "Magic Mike's Life Totally Sucks Balls." If you consider having threesomes with Olivia Munn and some blonde who's name you've forgotten to totally suck balls that is. But aside from getting laid casually and driving a nice SUV, Mike's life isn't so much magic... but more like empty promises and unfulfilled dreams. Just like all the other pathetic characters in this movie, everything is one sad day after another and life is fucking shit! Shit I say. I guess the lesson is that nothing is really ever going to go your way unless you learn to cope and don't let the facade of a "glamorous" life fool you into unknowingly dying inside. Or something. 

I don't know. The movie didn't really have a direction to it, which I guess makes a lot of fucking sense since the characters have no direction in their lives whatsoever. Sure, Mike tried to get his dream of becoming a hip cutting edge furniture designer off the ground, but life had its way with him and cock slapped him down once again, shattering his dreams. Magic Mike is essentially a movie about drifting through life and doing what most everyone else on this earth will do, and that's becoming nothing, amounting to nothing, and (if you're self-reflective enough) realizing that existence is utterly and hopelessly worthless. So you better make the best of it while you can by having a lot of sex with random strangers, preferably two at a time. Because other than that (and even that doesn't amount to all that much as far as I'm concerned), you're Nuthin'!!

Olivia Munn's "so-called" #1 Best Topless Scene of 2012 wasn't all that great either. The lighting was extremely poor, the focus was hazy, the shots were pretty bad, it was too realistic and it happened far too quickly. Maybe I'm just a jaded guy. But you know, if she showed up dressed as Princess Leia or Chun-Li with those titties out it would have been the greatest thing evur. Expectations... meet Reality. I guess it's a case of art imitating life or life imitating art, but just like Magic Mike, I'm going to have to take what I can get and accept it. Who am I after all to complain about a beautiful woman like Olivia showing off her sweet teets. Time for drinks boyzzzz.

Danny Trejo is A MOTHERFUCKER in Bad Ass (2012)

When the popularity of Epic Beard Man reached soaring heights and made an internet celebrity (i.e. youtube sensation) out of Tom Bruso, it was only a matter of time before his already not so bright and shiny image would be unnecessarily mishandled for the sake of an incredibly shitty action movie. Internet "memes" are of course the next logical steps in storytelling these days (where else are new ideas going to come from?), and what better one to expand upon than the AC Transit Bus Fight I am a Motherfucker video! But trust me, this is no Safety Not Guaranteed... oh no... what could have been a heartfelt movie with a lot of emotion was only halfway thought up and the rest of it was filled with made-for-tv slop.

I love me some Danny Trejo. In fact, I think he's an awesome choice as the lead here. I know that Slick Tom there is an old white dude, and the guy he beat down was some trash talkin' black guy, but Trejo just works perfectly in this role. I don't even really mind that in the movie he beats down two skinheads who are threatening elderly folk on the bus. Facts are always changed in movies and little changes like that just have to be dealt with. I was actually pretty excited about seeing this when I rented it a while back, but after it was all done with I just felt really let down.

It started off nicely enough, with a shot of Dat Ass! Danny Trejo looked great dressed just like the dude. There was a girl wearing big headphones who looked kinda sorta like Amber Lamps, but like a frumpy totally not as hot version of her... then the skinheads showed up, and it was weird, but the bus scene played out and it ended up being a cool representation of the original event. As the film slowly progressed and Epic Beard Man became popular around town (and all over the net) it started to be a rather endearing film. It was gritty, depressing, and bleak. Just the way I like it.

Then Charles Dutton and Ron Perlman show up (two guys I have no problem with, in fact, I do enjoy their work), but man, the material that these two are given here with this lousy as all fuck script just turns this potentially uplifting movie about a guy forever down on his luck to a goddamn shlock-fest. Total z-grade action thriller type stuff ensues and it's all really lame. This second TRAILER actually does a decent job of making the film look somewhat better than it actually is, but even watching the first one or the film itself left me cringing. This could have been a hell of a lot better it the filmmakers didn't turn it into such a dumb emotionless turd by the end.

Safety Not Guaranteed is proof that a movie can be made out of something with as little background story as a newspaper clipping about a guy wanting a companion to go back in time, and if you've got writers and directors with heart, there can be an awesome film there. Bad Ass just leaves a bad taste in my mouth when it's all said and done. The story was changed so much that I bet Tom Bruso never saw a penny of whatever money was made from this. If I'm wrong about that let me know, because really I would like to know the facts on that. It would have been cool if he had a cameo at least, or it was dedicated to him, or he saw some profits. But I don't even know if he's aware the movie even exists.

I would recommend renting this or however you view movies these days just for a single view. But for me, the real story and multiple videos online about this guy are a hell of a lot more interesting than this flick. It's too bad, because like I said, there was a lot of potential with this project. It was just handled incompetently and by the looks of things, for all the wrong reason$$$.